to be completely and utterly fed up with myself?

[MarchelineWhatNot]

OK, my life is good. It hasn?t always been this way. Don?t want to dwell on this, but it will maybe help with context. My childhood and early adulthood was pretty horrific, I then lost my fiancé and daughter in quite tragic circumstances. I only mention this to illustrate that I do know what real problems are!

So now I have a wonderful husband and kids, a job, somewhere to live and enough money. Not a lot, but enough. We have some family problems but live abroad, so are distanced from them. The problem is, that I am so miserable and grumpy and can?t get anything together. I know what I need to be doing, but I just don?t do it.

For instance, I am overweight, I know this. I have been told to lose weight by my doctor and the fitness trainer at the gym. I have a beautiful gym 2 mins from my work and can go anytime I like. I have been 4 times in a month. I just sit at my desk and comfort eat. Then I go home and comfort eat some more. I don?t know what?s wrong with me. I sit at work making all these lists of things I should be eating, then go home and order a takeaway because we had cockroaches in the kitchen and I don?t want to go in there to cook. However, I know this is an excuse as I eat rubbish at work, as well. I am so lazy. And I feel sorry for myself all the time. I feel so inadequate. When I see young, sporty people, I think I would like to be like that. Well, I can. I have the resources available to me, so why don?t I just do it? I feel I am getting old. I am beginning to look quite old, but part of that is because I am overweight and have this bloody miserable look on my face all the time!

I am pissed off with my boss, I hate my apartment, I worry that my DH is looking at pictures of other women on the internet (I caught him out a few years ago on this). I am sure he doesn?t, but when I imagine him doing this, I feel so betrayed. And then blame myself for being so fat and unattractive. He always tells me I?m gorgeous and he loves curvy women and he doesn?t want me to change, but none of the women in these pictures looked like me. They were all young and slim.

Aside from my DH, I want to look good for me. I have all these lovely work clothes that I bought when I started my new job in September, and gradually I have ruined them all. Two of them have split at the back as I?ve put on weight, one of them has split around the arms and the last one lost two of its buttons yesterday when I sat down in a taxi. They weren?t cheap, either. I now have no clothes.

I just don?t know what?s wrong with me. I am so grateful for all the good things in my life. So why do I feel so bloody hard done by all the time? I just don?t know what to do.

Can somebody help me, please?

I'm sorry about your losses. How terrible. I can't imagine what that must be like.

You sound unhappy about your weight but at least you have joined a gym and you have gone too! that is a huge, huge step.

I try not to have junk good in the house, then I can't eat it. have you tried meal planning? You could do it together then you would be more accountable.

Stop this downward spiral now.

Do you have other symptoms? Are you constantly tired? Water retaining? Dry skin? What's your hair growth like? Are your periods irregular? Any mental fatigue or fuzziness?

Really start scrutinizing yourself and your body. Get back to your GP. You could have an under active thyroid (your metabolism literally halts and it's impossible to lose weight and you gain weight at a frightening pace); you could be anaemic; wheat intolerance; lactose intolerance.

Sorry for the spill, but there are often pathological reasons for this, but because it's our moods that's more noticably deteriorating, we don't consider any physical reasons. But you should, and it could make the world of difference.

Hi LouisPasteur, no I have none of those things. Much as I would like to blame something/someone else for my predicament, I am just fat and lazy. And feeling sorry for myself because I am fat and lazy, even though it's my fault.

When I don't want to work out, I try to focus on how I am going to feel in a couple of hours.

Just keep it short term, focus on the moment, make a little decision a good one. If you try to take on the bigger picture all at once it will seem too much.

Nope, I disagree. You have a really low opinion of yourself, and as lifechanger says, you've had a terrible time in the past, and survived. Stop beating yourself up and stop digging yourself into a hole.

Have you had these things checked out? Have you actually ruled out something like Anaemia? Let's start somewhere, yes?

Could you have depression? You sound like you're giving yourself a really hard time over this, and I don't think you deserve it. I am also just starting to try to lose some weight, and the thought of going to the gym makes me want to crawl back into bed! Instead I've opted for a yoga DVD to do at home, 20 minutes, first thing, in my pyjamas, with a cup of tea waiting for me. Early days yet, but it's a lot easier to keep at it. I would also suggest the Paul McKenna book for the comfort eating thing. And lastly, I find it takes me a bit of confidence to actually get going with making changes, so have a think about you're good points, I'll bet you have loads. For a start, you sound intelligent. If you get stuck, ask your DH for some help! :)

Yes, I have recently had two medicals. One for work and one for something else. The only thing that was flagged up was my body fat percentage...

I'm no expert but it sounds as though you are depressed/have very low self esteem. Could you see your GP and be referred to a councillor/ psyche?
I think also a concrete,written calendar of meal planning and gym attendance that you HAVE to stick to might help.

Good luck!

Could you have depression?

No, I'm just grumpy and miserable. And feeling sorry for myself for something that I could so easily change. And then hating myself for not doing so.

To call it depression would be an insult to people who are truly suffering from depression.

MarchelineWhatNot, I've had diagnosed depression for years, I would not be insulted in the slightest. However, your OP does sound very similar to me. Other than a couple of specifics, I could have written it on a bad day. It might not be depression at all, but I think it's worth checking it out.

Link for the PM book.

Your story rang a bell with me.

I also have a complicated back story. I have spent a lot of time sorting it out in my mind and I'm pretty comfortable that it's all contained. I had to see a health professional for a long-standing problem and told her confidently that it had nothing to do with past trauma/issues. When I got home I really went to town on questionning myself - as soon as I said it I realised that there was no way it couldn't be connected. I had a day completely to myself and spent it asking myself lots of questions and followed up on the answers.

It turns out that everything is connected. Past traumas and problems might not be day to day issues, but they sometimes need to have a bit of attention paid to them. If you know you're behaving in a way you don't want to then you might need to find out why before you move on to how to change.

I can't imagine the depth of your losses and hope I haven't said anything out of line.

Sorry to still nag on down the medical route, but are you sure it covered your thyroid? And the anaemia? It can only be detected on blood tests, and only then if the GP actually requested that the lab look for this. Standard blood tests won't look at your thyroid.

We aren't making excuses for you, but you seem determined to call yourself fat and lazy instead of examining the very real possibility that there is an underlying cause. Why are you so down on yourself? Is your husband supporting you?

OK, just to give you an example. My boss likes a biscuit with his coffee in the morning, and another biscuit with his tea in the afternoon. So he has 2 biscuits. I buy a packet a day. I eat the rest .

I can lose weight if I try. I did 2 weeks on Dukan last May and lost a stone.

In addition to the wise advice already suggested by other posters I would like you to really consider using the the word "compassion" in relation to yourself right now.
Do not use the words fat and lazy anymore. You wouldnt say this to a friend or to your child - so quit being mean to yourself.

Instead pause and reflect on the fact you are having a tough time right now with some overeating issues and have compassion for yourself.
Write the word on a piece of paper and prop it up on your bedside table and on your dressing table and even at work. Be kind to yourself and your healing process will begin.

If need to be hard on myself. This is the alternative:

"Oh, you poor thing. You've had a hard life. Here, have another slice of cake..."

I'd still look into some counselling. But if you're sure it's not the case, ok.

Well, you have recognised you have a problem, so that's step 1. (being positive)

How about enlisting the help of some ferocious ex-army type personal trainer? They'll look into diet as well as exercise. And the cost will MAKE you stick to it. Pay for someone to beat the laziness out of you!

No, you dont need to be hard on yourself. Why be so cruel, why berate yourself?
The alternative at the moment is to eat too much, I understand, but there are other ways to comfort and reward yourself.

Its all the usual stuff I'm afraid. Time to read, time to talk to a friend, time to have a bath. When you are at work I know you cant do that. (I used to sit at work and plan my overeating so I could buy it on the way home) so when at work replace the naughty stuff with some naughty good stuff, like smoothies and work from there.

Sorry, this is way more complicated than that, its all about transfering the need to overeat into a different way of comforting yourself when you feel rotten.

I'm going to be blunt. Your choice to read on or stop!

You sound like you don't really like yourself and I don't just mean physically. Only you know why (and I'm certain it's unfounded anyway). Prove me wrong by treating yourself as someone as precious as a newborn all day long. No calling this baby fat and lazy. Am betting you can't last even an hour.

The problem is NOT your weight. If it was only that, you're intelligent enough to sort it out.

The problem is you are scared either of what losing weight means, or of dealing with whatever you're in denial about. There is a reason it's called 'comfort eating'.

Just because your life is good/better now doesn't mean everything is fine. Sometimes the fact that it is finally, after so long, without major problems can itself be the problem: the brain isn't sure how to function without problems to deal with.

Good luck and just give being nice (treating yourself as gently as you would a baby) to yourself a shot for one day. What do you have to lose?

The thing is, I get so frustrated. I recently bought a juicer for work and, having never eaten fruit before, I was suddenly juicing all these lovely fruits and feeling really good about myself. Then a couple of people said [paraphrasing]: ?no wonder you?re so fat, drinking all that fruit. Have you never heard of Fructose??.

Then I went through my Diet Plan with my personal trainer and he told me it was rubbish, that I shouldn?t eat carbs at all and should start every day with bacon and eggs. Honestly, I did about 4 days of bacon and eggs and couldn?t stand it anymore.

And the gym gave me this programme that I hate. It includes this machine where you lift yourself up that scares me, as it think it?s going to fall over. And free weights and lunges which I hate, as I don?t like being where the bodybuilders are. They also said I should use my own discretion when working out what weights to use. But I don?t understand and need somebody to tell me what to do. I have moaned so much at the gym, they all hate me now. Another excuse not to go?

The gym is quite pointless if you are addicted to eating (which is what comfort eating is). You need to see a psychotherapist to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that are inciting you to eat in order to muffle them up.

Everyone hates you, thinks your a failure, a fraud and don't deserve anything good to happy to you, your fat cause your too stupid to do it right and you think this more than anyone.

that is not true

Losing weight is hard work, putting it on is easy. You have to click in your brain to really do it. Re the gym, just go in and pkay on whatever takes your fancy. Do a little, then go back tge next day and okay again. Gradually you will find a pattern that you even enjoy. Don't over do it or you won't go back tge next day. Gradually you will build it up without realising. Even if tge first trip is 10 mins with a min on ten different things. It doesnt matter, just do something.

With eating, food is addictive and makes you feel good at that moment. When deciding what to eat make sure you are making acdecision about what to eat. That means take three biscuits, put them on a plate, and tge rest away from your desk. Stop working to eat them, enjoy them, then back to work.

Make sure you don't eat in front of tge telly, put slightly less on your plate try and make a healthy decision for each meal, not a life of dieting.

You can do it but you have to believe you are worth it x

Marcheline, you've come across too many people that offer their remedies to you, and therein lies the problem. Their remedies may not suit you, and tbh, some approaches to weight loss are so extreme, their almost impossible to adhere to. Not being able to stick to them makes you feel an instant failure and the desire to comfort yourself with another slice of cake/pack of biscuits etc. Believe me when I say that you are not alone.

Stuff the extremes for now. Be gentle with yourself and take it one step at a time. If you can be certain that your medical covered absolutely everything, and I doubt it did (not doubting you Marcheline, not at all, but it's easy to be defeatist when you're in this frame of mind) - please see your GP again to at least discuss this possibility - but let's start small and make just one change.

Start by, for example, cutting out sugar. See if you can do it for a week. Give yourself that challenge. But start off one day at a time.

Not to go all armchair psychologist, but I think the things you 'don't want to dwell on' are probably relevant to your current situation. I agree with Bonsoir.

OK, well, psychotherapy is out, as I don?t live in the UK. We do have these things, but very few people can afford them. We also don?t have GPs or any centralized record-keeping.

I think what I need is some practical help. Could anybody help me devise an exercise plan? And advise me on diet? And - most important of all - tell me how not to be so bloody miserable all the time?