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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At my wits end with teen DD

62 replies

domesticgodessintraining · 06/12/2011 14:40

I have (or should I say had) a wonderful, bright DD. Since starting year 9 she has become lazy and truculent. She won?t practice her piano, she sits for hours revising yet when I test her she doesn?t know any of it. She?s in the top sets for everything and more than capable of doing well, she has slipped down from an A at half term to a C this term in Maths. I really don?t know what to do, I have tried talking to her, shouting at her, taking away phone etc but nothing is shaking this lazy, rebellious stage.
Please help. I don?t want to ruin my relationship with her but equally I don?t want her throwing her life away in this important year at school.
Stressed Mum

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 06/12/2011 14:42

Seeing as she is in top sets at school she is hardly doing badly, is she?

What do the school say about it?

valiumredhead · 06/12/2011 14:43

And 'throwing her life away' is a big over reaction.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 06/12/2011 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 06/12/2011 14:48

So what if she wont pratise the piano it is not the end of the world.

If she is in top sets for everything then she can hardly be described as slacking off.

Clownsarescary · 06/12/2011 14:48

Year 9 is the 'lazy' year.

Original poster

domesticgodessintraining · 06/12/2011 14:48

She is in the top set now but having only achieved a C in the latest exam her place is not secure. She?s just about to take her GCSE options I don?t want all her hard work over the years to go down the drain.
I am worried about her attitude it?s as if she?s given up.
I know I?m sounding slightly irrational but her school will move her down if the test results are bad. She will only be able to get a C in GCSE maths if that happens.

OP posts:

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 06/12/2011 14:49

Don't call her lazy please. Give a dog a bad name.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2011 14:49

And if she is moved down? What will happen?

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 06/12/2011 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 06/12/2011 14:51

Let her give up the piano and start to make some decisions for herself. By the way failing can be a good life lesson especially if she does it year nine with plenty of time to catch up.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 06/12/2011 14:53

Does she actually know what she wants to do? I ask because I am applying for nursing at the moment, not traditionally seen as an academic career, I know, but from next year unis will be asking for B grades in GCSE maths, english and science. If applicants don't have these, they won't be considered. So it might be worth pointing out to her that her actual grades at GCSE could come back to haunt her, whether she gets good A level grades or not.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 06/12/2011 14:53

Maybe you should consider letting her drop the piano for now? Perhaps having a bit more free time might make her focus more on her schoolwork, rather than her feeling like every minute of her day is structured by her overbearing mother? Or perhaps you could stop 'testing' her on things she's revised as all you'll do is make her more unwilling to cooperate.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, just cast your mind back to when you were 13/14. It doesn't take much for a child that age to decide their parent is a tyrant and completely rebel.

2rebecca · 06/12/2011 14:53

I think you nag primary school age children to practice instruments but at secondary school then they have to decide themselves how important a hobby their instrument is to them. If she doesn't want to practice the piano for hours every day then she's unlikely to be a career pianist and so playing the piano is just her hobby and if she doesn't want to do it fine. On the other hand if she can't be bothered to practice there is no point paying for lessons so she has the option of practice and get lessons or stop practicing and no lessons. At primary school kids mainly have hobbies that suit their parents but as teenagers they have to decide themselves what they enjoy doing. Don't make her practice the piano just because you'd have liked to be able to play the piano. I was a bit lazy in 3rd year secondary school, as long as she can still do well enough to be allowed to do the subjects she wants then this year isn't as important as the next 2. I'd encourage her but she is reaching an age when she has to do it herself and you have to let her see that if she doesn't do it she starts failing.

cantspel · 06/12/2011 14:55

Maybe she does find the work harder now and so a grade c is a good grade for the level she is now working at.

Just because she has always been top set doesn't mean she will always be capable of top marks. Some children are more advanced younger but then start to struggle as they get older. If she is revising for hours then she is not lazy aand it is more likely she is stuggling with the work and the pace of the lessons.

mummytime · 06/12/2011 14:56

She will only be able to get a C in Maths GCSE if she's not in the top set? At my DS's school the third set can/and do get A's and B's. They also keep moving them sets for Maths in year 11 (DS moved up, and has moved into a newly created one in English).
Calm down, talk to her teachers/head of year and don't panic. Students often go off the boil in years 8-10, and seem to get the message finally in year 11 (a good reason not to sit exams early).

Maryz · 06/12/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gillybobs · 06/12/2011 15:00

She sits for hours revising? Wow. Is this necessary at her age/stage?

My DS (13) doesnt revise. Ever! He knows this will have to change in the next year or so but as there arent any big exams for at least another 18 months Im not stressing. Its a funny old age, the early teens, Im trying very hard not to panic or put a lot of pressure on him. He is doing fine at school and is happy. So Im happy. There is plenty of time for very hard work/revising in the not too distant future. We do chat about it and he understands he will have to up a gear or two soon. Im trying to keep the lines of communication as open and hassle free as possible

The carefree part of our lives is already short enough imo.

waterrat · 06/12/2011 15:01

I was a very badly behaved teen - perfectly capable but did badly at school - I got a C for gcse maths - I only got 5 gcses...I'm now a very succesful adult, my academic record has never had the slightest impact on my life at all - but I did manage to pull it together at a-lvel....

the time when I finally woke up and took control of it all was when people stopped nagging and treated me like an adult. For some kids all the bossing/ controlling etc really doesn't work. let her fail. In the real world there is nobody there looking over your shoulder.

I had friends at Uni who literally couldn't cope with the responsibility of being in charge of their own time ....one friend went to one of the top private schools in London - he hated uni, said he felt lost and alone - that nobody was interested in his work. he did okay,but not any better than most others who didn't have his educational background...

I on the other hand, who went to a state sixth form and was treated like an adult - ie. had to manage my own time/ no punishments if I did badly, just knew I would be kicked off the course - I loved uni, I loved learning and was able to be in charge of my own time...

Im sure it's worrying seeing her stop studying, but in the end she needs to learn self discipline - kids who are pushed and pushed and only work under threat will not do well in life. She has to see that poor work means poor grades - and make her own mind up about it. I would also drop the piano - she's far too old to be nagged about that...

Original poster

domesticgodessintraining · 06/12/2011 15:03

OK I?ve chilled out now. Thank you for all the good advice. I think it?s a good idea to give up the piano, you are 100% right. I don?t usually get involved with her school work as she has always been conscientious but I could tell that something was wrong, she just won?t say what it is.
I will wait for her to come home and give her a cuddle. I do remember being 14 and it was a difficult time without the added stress of a psycho Mother LOL

OP posts:

Gillybobs · 06/12/2011 15:05

What a brilliant post waterrat , couldnt agree more.

grovel · 06/12/2011 15:08

Could you take her out to dinner and chat through your issues in a grown-up and neutral environment?

mummymeister · 06/12/2011 16:01

all girls seem to have a wobbly year either in yr 8 or 9. she isnt sleeping around, she doesnt take drugs and she isnt drinking or staying out all night. it is hard to look at your little angel and see how they have changed but they do go back again post wobble. stick with it. show you care. if she doesnt want to play piano then be cool about it. try and look for different learning portals for school subjects to mix it up a bit. the computer is great for this. be honest with her and tell her why you are worried. being a teenager is pants. we have all done it and we all remember how pants it was. good luck

stuffthenonsense · 06/12/2011 16:07

are you SURE she is using her time to revise to actually revise? could be there is something else going on??? is she on the internet/texting? my eldest was conscientious, went through a very poor patch...turned out she was being groomed thankfully i had been a sneaky mother and only allowed her to have msn if we stored all chats, police got involved, issue resolved, daughter became her usual conscientious self again and now studying AS with 12 A*s behind her.

hardboiledpossum · 06/12/2011 16:20

I'm sure she would still be able to get an A* if they moved her down a set. I would have thought only the very bottom sets do the lower tier paper?
Even if she did get only C's at GCSE it would not be the end of the world. I went completely off the rails (which it doesn't sound like your daughter is at all) and didn't end up sitting any GCSE's or Alevels. I decided at 19 I did want to go to uni so just did a foundation degree and still got in to a top 10 uni. If she's bright I'm sure she'll do fine in the end.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 06/12/2011 16:26

One of my DS1's teachers said one that he felt all yr 9s should be put to work in the fields for a year and I knew what he meant. It's the non event year..not even SATS to be scared of these days so little motivation for working... plus you add in the onset of raging hormones and the average 14 year old goes from that nice child who got on with work and wanted to please everyone to a uncommunicative lump who can't seem to see further than their next text message!

They do come round again tho (mostly) and she shouldn't be revising for hours on end anyway.. nothing more guaranteed to put anyone off work!
If she is genuinely struggling with maths.. then dropping a set now is probably better.. if she isn't, then she will probably pick up the pace again when yr 10 starts and it gets serious.

I really recommend backing off a bit.. if she doesn't want to practise the piano.. fine (but she may need to forfeit lessons) .. it can be a hobby and it's one that can be taken up again at any time.

Stop testing her! She's not a 7 year old learning to spell! Her learning should be supported, but not enforced..there is a difference!

I watched all of mine 'dip' in yr 9.. it worried me horribly with my eldest, then saw the pattern with the others... eldest is now studying medicine, no 3 is going to Uni next year and no 2 has a job... they all got very good GCSEs/ A levels...

panic not:)

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