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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At my wits end with teen DD

62 replies

domesticgodessintraining · 06/12/2011 14:40

I have (or should I say had) a wonderful, bright DD. Since starting year 9 she has become lazy and truculent. She won?t practice her piano, she sits for hours revising yet when I test her she doesn?t know any of it. She?s in the top sets for everything and more than capable of doing well, she has slipped down from an A at half term to a C this term in Maths. I really don?t know what to do, I have tried talking to her, shouting at her, taking away phone etc but nothing is shaking this lazy, rebellious stage.
Please help. I don?t want to ruin my relationship with her but equally I don?t want her throwing her life away in this important year at school.
Stressed Mum

OP posts:

crypes · 06/12/2011 16:35

My Ds was like that,wonderfuly bright but suddenly became spectacularly lazy in last years of high school and scrapped through with his gcse's, however he has been employed since 16yrs old and never missed a days work, everything his boss puts him up for he aspires to and impresses his boss, in fact my Ds is a 'high achiever' and intelligently worked that out when he was in yr 9 and realised what he has to do and not do to get on in life.

candytuft63 · 06/12/2011 16:52

The piano lessons are not wasted time, really and 14 is about the usual time to step down (my DH teaches piano) , same with ballet as in the next year or so it becomes much harder work as a hobby, and demands much more spare time. This is the age when decisions are made about lots of things - soon it will be Options and so -on . Your DS sounds fine, actually quite normal and i wouldnt worry. Really, i wouldnt.

rhondajean · 06/12/2011 17:27

Have you considered she could have some form of depression? Just as a possiblity - its hard to judge whats normal teenage moods and whats not but if shes spending hours reading and not absorbing it, withdrawing, not finding pleasure in things she used to enjoy - I would bear that in mind and keep an eye.

They are a constant worry...

troisgarcons · 06/12/2011 17:30

Oh don't OP - just don't go there. My Y10 is predicted A* with a sprinkling of A's .... currently on HOY report for 'academic non-achievement' - currently only gettting B's with the odd C thrown in.

The only saving grace is: he does pull it out of the bag at exam time.

I'm particularly pissed off he only got an A in his full maths GCSE last year, he should have got A* but he couldnt be bothered to revise sigh

diddl · 06/12/2011 17:35

If things have suddenly changed & she seems withdrawn, I´d be worried about bullying.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 06/12/2011 17:35

Completely agree with those who've said cut her some slack (for a bit) and choose your battles.
She's hardly 'failing' in a serious sense at the moment, and some sense of failure - or of ownership and responsibility - for her own work and activities is what she needs, and probably in some ways what she's seeking by digging her heels in a bit.
She's probably testing the boundaries a bit in terms of trying to control her world. Better that she experiments with this now in this way - which she can easily put right in a short time - than later on when the consequences can be much more drastic.

mathanxiety · 06/12/2011 17:48

I agree you should stand back a bit. I think this could be accompanied by letting her take responsibility for more of her own life in the house (laundry, chores). You need to stop voicing your fears and especially expressing them in negative terms that apply to her (lazy, throwing your life away, etc).

I think you need to try to find out why she is having this crisis of confidence in maths it seems obvious to me that this is what is happening. Maths is an area where children (especially teen girls) can falter because of beliefs they hold about themselves or about maths itself, and they can also falter because they lack the resilience to bounce back after a setback the jolts their former confidence; a test they found unexpectedly difficult, a new topic area that isn't coming to them as quickly as the last one did, seeing other students achieving fantastic results apparently without effort all can put a dint in a teenage girl's confidence. Strangely enough, fear of failure can lead to paralysis when it comes to trying. This is a paradox but understandable, and it happens more in maths than in other subjects because of the right/wrong nature of a lot of maths teaching (the thinking process really should be emphasised but the exam system places more of an emphasis on 'getting it right').

She is not lazy if she is keeping up her grades in her other subjects, but I think she is going through a crisis of confidence in maths. She needs to talk with someone who can give her a realistic appreciation of her strength in maths and she needs to say what exactly about it she finds difficult from an emotional pov. Don't let this blip become a trend and reassure her that it need not.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 06/12/2011 17:48

Hmmm. Unfortunately New Labour's education policy is such that you must tick ALL the boxes and add a star, right the way through education. It's ridiculous. Some of the brightest students at my school completely fell over at O level, scraped through A levels and were then whisked off by Oxford or Cambridge. And we all KNEW they were seriously clever. The teachers KNEW they were brilliant. And Oxbridge admissions tutors clearly KNEW what it was they were looking for, and managed to identify it perfectly well without the A*.

Perhapas she's taking a little time to find out who she is?

Triggles · 06/12/2011 17:49

That was roughly the age re piano that DD decided she just wanted to play piano for enjoyment. So we stopped the lessons, but went to a music store and allowed her to choose some music that she wanted to play/learn for enjoyment alone. I found she practiced more and quite enjoyed it. She was still learning new music, but of her choosing and getting more out of it for herself.

mathanxiety · 06/12/2011 17:51

Stuffthenonsense's post makes a lot of sense too.

Flowerface · 06/12/2011 18:02

I was hideously lazy and unmotivated at your DD's stage. I never did any work at all, and it wasn't until I became self-motivated (motivated by the embarrassment of getting a bunch of Es, I seem to remember - embarrassment is teenager kryptonite!) that I started working. I now have a PhD so I did manage to catch up OK. My sister, on the other hand, never started working and really underachieved as a result - she is much much brighter than her academic history would suggest.

So, I think it's a question of letting her be a bit self-governing (and lazy), but keep her near enough to the rails so that she can get back on track when she decides to.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 06/12/2011 18:42

Year 9 - says it all, it's hardly the most important year at school - if she does this in Y11 then you would have my sympathy. So what if she doesn't want to play the piano right now - seriously, unless she's destined for RCM, or life as a concert pianist I'm not sure the world will end.

Meh - I've done 3 lots of Year 9 - both DDs fucked about and had a laugh, but come Years 10, 11 and 12 they pulled off top grades in their GCSEs and ASs (to date). DS is now Year 10 and after a year of doing fuck nothing bar grunting and occasionally speaking 'it's not fair, blah blah bollocks', is now working hard to get the GCSE grades predicted, and I think he probably will.

FirTreeMitTheKrog · 06/12/2011 19:27

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marriedandwreathedinholly · 06/12/2011 20:14

Are you sure there's nothing else going on such as bullying or poor behaviour from others around her? Is the school supportive - could you speak to her head of year, tutor, etc?

squeakytoy · 06/12/2011 20:17

I did piano from the age of 5 until I was 13, then I stopped. I can still play reasonably well now, but I didnt intend having a career that involved the piano, so something had to give.

monstermissy · 06/12/2011 20:33

Pouring over books for hours? why? its year 9 they dont do any major exams do they? I think year 9 is the year they stop wanting to please the adults and want to start making their own choices. My ds is year10 and has always been top set and acheived top results, i worry so much that he will 'waste' his talent but at the same time he is 15 so needs some of his own time.

hellhasnofury · 06/12/2011 20:37

Year 9 is the worst year. DD and DS woke up with a start when they hit Year 10 and so did the vast majority of their classmates. They seem to come to the realisation that their exams are looming and that they do matter and that knuckling down for 18 months really isn't too much to ask.

ll31 · 06/12/2011 21:16

am amazed your testing her at this age - maybe you need to let her take responsibility for her performance

FabbyChic · 06/12/2011 21:21

If she takes an Intermediate GCSE Maths she can obtain a B that is the highest grade in that paper.

STop nagging her, she needs time to be a child too, she does not need to constantly study that comes when she actually takes her GCSE's back off and leave her alone or she will resent you.

She needs time for her friends to do things she wants to do not constantly be nagged at by you, you will push her away.

Piano? Perhaps she has outgrown it sounds more for your benefit than for hers.

I have two kids 23 and 17 the 23 year old never revised for any exam he has a First in a Maths degree, the youngest revised at the last minute he too is at Uni studying Maths.

Let them be children first.

PoppadumPreach · 06/12/2011 21:21

could you have a girlie day/weekend?

do nice things together just the two of you. don't talk about school - just make sure she knows you love and care for her unconditionally.

and make sure she knows you don't just love her when she does well at school.

though i don't think i went through a particularly rebellious stage, i thought for a long time that my mum and dad only liked me when i did well at school. it made me insecure for a very very long time.

FabbyChic · 06/12/2011 21:23

Ps you sound like a nightmare parent.

Oh and my eldest took his Maths GCSE at 13 his choice.

PoppadumPreach · 06/12/2011 21:30

you don't sound like a nightmare parent. perhaps a little overenthusiastic but at least you really care - shame a lot more parents really cared about their kids' education- the world might be a better place.

FabbyChic what can i say - just congratulations for having such immenely bright children and being so modest about it. you must have mated with someone really bright.

FabbyChic · 06/12/2011 21:31

Unfortunately I did not mate with someone really bright, they got their intelligence from their mother. Thanks!

You just don't push your kids, they find their own way and you do whatever you can to help them find that path, you never push.

mummytime · 07/12/2011 08:08

Fabby Chic the intermediate paper was abolished some years ago, so its either the higher paper (A* to D) or Foundation (C to G). But I would expect pupils from middle sets to be doing the higher paper (I know in Science pupils have sat the higher paper in bottom set).

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 07/12/2011 14:43

I don't think you sound like a nightmare parent AT ALL.

It's completely normal to want your children to achieve the best they can.

My son gave up piano at 14 and while it was nice for a while to not nag him to practise between lessons, I still think it was a poor decision on my part to allow him to give up. It was good for me for a quiet life, but it was bad for him because he didn't replace it with anything meaningful to him. He now just wastes even more time.

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