At my wits end with teen DD

[domesticgodessintraining]

I have (or should I say had) a wonderful, bright DD. Since starting year 9 she has become lazy and truculent. She won?t practice her piano, she sits for hours revising yet when I test her she doesn?t know any of it. She?s in the top sets for everything and more than capable of doing well, she has slipped down from an A at half term to a C this term in Maths. I really don?t know what to do, I have tried talking to her, shouting at her, taking away phone etc but nothing is shaking this lazy, rebellious stage.
Please help. I don?t want to ruin my relationship with her but equally I don?t want her throwing her life away in this important year at school.
Stressed Mum

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I spoke to DD after school yesterday and said that it really doesn?t matter if she gets an A or a D as long as SHE is happy. DD burst into tears and said that she feels really bad everything had just got too much for her. The piano teacher had been saying things like ?even a 7 year old can play this with their eyes shut? and ?you?re not bright or else you would have finished this piece by now? I was absolutely horrified. I have cancelled all piano with said teacher.

It turns out that the piano teacher had been talking like this to DD for at least 6 weeks, DD took every word to heart, bless her and started to feel more and more demoralised which in turn lead to her feeling terrible about maths as the piano teacher had said that children that are really good at maths are really good at piano, therefore DD can?t be any good at maths.

I can?t believe this has been going on, thank you to the posters that said that something else could be worrying her, indeed it was.

Good on you for listening to your DD. It usually pays off.

It is true that if your child is going to have a difficult year at school, it is most likely to be Y9. This is from knowing lots of teachers. DD is in Y9 at the moment and is getting very frustrated with some of her school subjects (Geography, History, Drama, Music) and quite disillusioned with some of her peers and their habits.

Does your DD have any social outlets outside school? DD seems to relax much more at her gymnastics club, as there is a different hierarchy and less pressure. Even something like a youth club could be a beneficial outlet for your DD, and it's a bit of independence too.

So the poor girl was being bullied!

So glad you got to the root of the problem, my dd was in a similar situation a few years back, it's important she knows that the things the teacher was saying to her was wrong.

I'm surprised though how many on here said it was just a phase, it's good that you and your dd have a relationship were she can talk to you about things that worry her.

Good for you OP. Now is probably the time to gently let her know that she can always come to you with stuff and that she always has her Mum. This may be a great thing for your relationship.

I am so pleased she spoke to you. My DD has also heard the Maths Music connection, and she complains because she knows she is good at Music but feels hopeless at Maths :(
Let your daughter enjoy playing around with Piano for a bit, then maybe restart lessons.

Glad you got to the bottom of it. In my limited experience - have one in L6 and one in Y9 - there's often something they aren't telling you about that's behind it all. Have a lovely weekend with her: film, pizza, shopping - hopefully this will be a turning point and head off all sorts of trouble in the future. When our dd went through a tough time last year and didn't tell me about it for several weeks, once I did find out I have made far more time for her and I think out relationship is much stronger as a result.

Hope your dd is feeling better now that you know.

To the poster who mentioned the intermediate GCSE Maths son took it at 13 that was ten years ago, he studied on a home study course and taught himself when he was 12. He got 99% a B. He has a First in a Maths degree now. Sorry but am real proud of my kids who come from a broken home, single parent since eldest was 7, worked all the time, so it just makes my heart swell that my kids being from a single parent family did not cause them any problems educationally.

Fabby - things have moved on .... the intermediate papers were done away with years ago. Its Higher and Foudnation now.... and a lot of school choose modular over linear.

OMG, Domestic -- what a horrible bully. Is there any Royal Academy or whatever of music teachers to whom you could complain? That teacher should never be allowed near children.

Was he breaking her down in order to groom her perhaps? (maybe worst case scenario...)

Now you really need to tell the maths teacher what has been going on, and encourage your poor DD to get back in the saddle, perhaps after a nice little break over the weekend.. If she is willing and able to cast aside the myth that has been fed to her, she can work to reestablish herself in her class. The teacher might be able to help rebuild her confidence.