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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP's Mum? - Petty and long - sorry :0(

57 replies

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 13:22

There's a well documented thread about me and DP (Fiance now) and how he's been in the past overly influenced by his parents.

In August he went to see them (they're in the North, we're in the South - Phew!) to see some cricket about a month after we'd had a 4 day visit to them.

I've lost quite a lot of weight this year and I do this by eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I've had enough. With this plan I can still eat out which is something which DP & I do quite alot. My stomach has shrunk and I now physically can't eat as much as I used to be able to, even though I love food. When we go out I still order a starter and a main course, but never a pudding. I rarely finish the main course, but still really enjoy my meal.

When we were up with them we were taken out for a meal in a nice restaurant and I ordered what I wanted and left some of the main course, again as per usual.

As a side issue, his mum is bullemic and is very slim.

After this visit the first issue that came up was that his Mum burst into tears that she's not going to become a 'grandma' & couldn't he do something about it. I'm infertile and we don't want to adopt. I'm also too old for IVF, & I have a low egg stock. He was really angry with her as it isn't something that's just been dropped on her, she's known for 3 years but felt as she was crying that he couldn't have a go at her.

Anyway, 5 months on and they're coming down this weekend and we've booked a restaurant. We were having a curry out on saturday and we were discussing my diet and I said 'it's worked well because I don't feel under pressure to eat everything on my plate' which then sparked off the comment 'oh yes, just to warn you but my Mum was really annoyed that you ordered loads of food when we went up and then you left all of it!'

Err, no I didn't! They chose to pay for the meal, I didn't expect them too and I didn't actually leave that much because it was lovely!!

Up until recently we've got on really well, but now I can do nothing right!

I know this is stupid but I hope it really snows and they can't make it down this weekend! Not sure I can put on my 'happy face' & grin and bear it

OP posts:
fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 05/12/2011 13:24

Why be annoyed? You both have issues with food, you have yours under control, she doesn't. You're making much too big a deal out of it. How on earth do you even know she is bulimic?

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 13:24

This is all so petty and avoidable. Ask for a small portion. Ask for what you dont eat to put in a doggy bag to take home (throw it out for the local foxes on the way home, the mother doesnt need to know about it).

Original poster
ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 13:26

I know because my DP told me! She's been doing it for years.

Maybe I should just eat all my food up and then just throw it up?

And I'm annoyed because it's one thing after another!

OP posts:
fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 05/12/2011 13:28

Yeah, you really need to step back. Why let it anger you? Bulimia isn't a walk in the park, it is genuinely a mental illness. Concentrate on what you're eating, ignore everyone else. You seem bitter that she can eat all she wants and stay slim. The reality is somewhat different, and I'm sure you know that.

YuleingFanjo · 05/12/2011 13:28

Who's paying for the meal on Saturday?

Personally I would ignore it. Though I think her behaviour over the grandchildren thing is awful so I can completely understand why that has upset you :(

elephantsteaparty · 05/12/2011 13:29

Curry places always serve far too much imo, but this could make things easier for you. Assuming there's just going to be the 4 of you there, order 3 rice, 3 naan breads and 4 currys. You need only have a little of the rice and naan and all your curry, and then it won't be so obvious how much you've eaten.

Original poster
ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 13:31

FFFF - I'm not bitter about it at all, I just hate being permanently criticised! And I certainly don't think bullemia is easy too. And it's not really even about the eating thing.

Thank you YuleingFanjo....we're paying for the meal on saturday.

I just hate all these comments behind my back

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 13:32

I also find it quite hard to believe that your stomach has shrunk to such an extent that you cant eat a main sized portion in a restaurant.. unless you have had a gastric band fitted, which it doesnt sound like you have.

Well done on losing the weight, but one meal is not going to pile it all back on you, and I would get irritated if someone ordered a meal, then left most of it. It is just waste, and unnecessary too.

If you really cant eat a full main course, why order a starter too.

pictish · 05/12/2011 13:35

Hmm I'm kinda with squeaky I suppose.

HoneydragonAteCliffRichard · 05/12/2011 13:36

UANBU to be upset.

If your Df was infertile would she sob & blame him?

She clearly has issues, don't make them yours. This time you are paying for the meal order what the hell you want and leave what you want.

diddl · 05/12/2011 13:37

I can´t see why you don´t have just a main meal when out-& eat it all tbh.
I think I´d be annoyed at paying for food which someone had ordered with the intention of not eating it all.

You can´t blame her being upset at the thought of no GC-although she does need to keep her thoughts to herself on that.

But re the food-why would her comment stop you getting on with her?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 05/12/2011 13:38

I'd be annoyed that my DP felt the need to pass on a comment that would upset me.

ExitPursuedBySanta · 05/12/2011 13:40

Why not order two starters? I often do that as then you are not over faced.

Kitchentiles · 05/12/2011 13:41

YANBU about the baby stuff. Presuming she knows about the infertility, it was selfish of her to make a big show of how upset SHE is.

YANBU about her making a rude comment about you to your DP. It would make me feel paranoid that she is talking negatively about me to my DP.

YABU about the food. Don't order a starter. Order something small for mains. That way, you can't be criticised. Don't given them ammunition.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/12/2011 13:41

I agree with Chickens - why on earth did your DP tell you?

Sometimes its more sensible to edit what you tell your DP surely.

Pandemoniaa · 05/12/2011 13:42

I think it is far too easy to ruin your life by worrying what is said behind your back. Third-hand reports have about as much validity as anonymous letters, imho. I do wonder what your dp is hoping to achieve by the passing on of comments that can do nothing for your long-term relationship with his parents though.

But your dp's mother will have obviously have issues with food and other people's eating habits if she is bulimic and I think you'll need to accept that she may well say things you feel are inappropriate. It's a mental illness and you need to cut her some slack.

Apart from this, and the lack of grandchildren, what else are you being "permanently criticised" for? And has any of it been delivered to you, face to face?

sprinkles77 · 05/12/2011 13:42

squeaky when you eat less, you eat less. I don't think your stomach shrinks, but you become increasingly uncomfortable when over- filled, in a way that you do not if you are used to large portions. but I used to eat loads, morning sickness, pregnancy and dieting mean that I have only been able to eat small portions at some stages in my life. I surprise myself. Your body learns to take what it needs if you listen to the signals. I, like the OP, just eat less now, not because I am watching my weight, but because if you keep eating once you're full you feel rubbish and get indigestion.

OP, YANBU. MIL is projecting her issues on you. Noone would argue that her comment about not being a grandmother was anything other than her self indulgence and something that is best ignored (though hard to). A person who is so stupid will be impossible to reason with. As for leaving food, it is a hard issue. Having been brought up to clear my plate (explains my eating problems), I still find the sight of left overs difficult. I quite often order a starter then another one for my main rather than a main. Or knowing that DH is a pig and always eats too much anyway, I get him to order an extra side (chips, salad, bread, rice whatever) and then we share. Then we get pudding too, without as much waste.

TheJiminyConjecture · 05/12/2011 13:45

It's clearly not just about the food but you could always order two starters if you didn't want to be sat there watching people eat. My stomach had shrunk after being ill and a starter as a starter and then as a main was perfect!

The GC thing was awful though - that for me would be far most upsetting than the food issue.

YuleingFanjo · 05/12/2011 13:48

personally I think if you want to order a starter than do so. It sounds to me like you are ordering like this so you can get to taste every bit of the meal (barring the pudding) and then leaving some because it's a way of controlling portion sizes. In a restaurant there's no shame at all in leaving some of what you have paid for and if they insisted on paying that shouldn't mean that you have to eat every single bit of it. That's a stupid rule! Eat as much or as little as you want to.

RE the not giving them Ammo to criticise, I don't think that's a fair suggestion either. It shouldn't have to be your responsibility to stop other people from saying mean critical things.

I think you do need to just relax about it and adopt a 'this is me and this is how I do it and it's not harming anyone else' attitude.

PromiseFalls · 05/12/2011 13:52

Mum was really annoyed that you ordered loads of food when we went up and then you left all of it

So you ordered more than just one main course? To order a starter and a main course, when you knew you were not intending to eat it and someone else was paying is rude.

When you are paying order what you want.

LizzieMint73 · 05/12/2011 13:53

Welldone OP to losing the weight, and IMHO in absolutley the right way.

You've set yourself up with a 'plan for life' where you can eat exactly what what you want without the fear of gaining weight or needing to be 'on a diet'. I totally agree that most restaurants serve far too much food. I am usually almost full after a starter, but if everyone is ordering starters and mains I will usually do the same but eat perhaps only a quarter of the main and ask for the rest as a takeaway - this is never a problem in most restaurants, Indians especially always have takeaway cartons available. Just tell the waiting staff that the food was lovely but you are full - you can then enjoy the rest at the next meal.

Thistledew · 05/12/2011 13:58

Wow. I can't believe all these comments about how the OP must clear her plate. My appetite fluctuates quite a bit according to the time of the month. I love my food, and trying nice things in restaurants. Sometimes I will clear my plate, and sometimes I will have to leave some because it does actually make me feel ill if I stuff myself. If other people are ordering starters I will as well, partly because I think it is polite to do so, and partly because I enjoy having more than one dish to taste.

OP, you are NBU not to clear your plate of you don't want to, and should not feel pressurised to eat for fear of upsetting your DP's mum. That is her issue to deal with and her complaints are a manifestation of her issues, not a criticism that should worry you.

The issue with her tears regarding not being a grandmother- does she and your DP have a close relationship in which they normally share such things? She may well be genuinely disappointed that she will not be a grandmother, and if she and her son normally have a close and open relationship then there is no reason for her to keep it to herself. It would not be at all odd for you to discuss the matter with your mother, so why should it not be different for your DP.

If they are not normally so close, and she normally deals with her issues without his support, then it is a bit manipulative.

What can you do though? Does your DP support you and your relationship? Is she otherwise a nice friendly person? If so, I think you have to let this one go. She is (or should be) no threat to your relationship, so these two incidents are really irrelevant.

Original poster
ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 14:22

Ok....so I didn't expect them to pay for the meal! it wasn't a pre-set thing where they said 'we're taking you out for a meal and we're paying'. I fully expected to eat what I liked and not have the question of how much I was eating because I was expecting to pay. In fact, they insisted on pay...hardly my fault.

My stomach has shrunk & I can't eat the amount I used to be able to eat but that's not to say that I don't enjoy eating what I eat. I've had hypnosis, so it's almost impossible for me to now overeat. I still enjoy the pleasure of going out for a meal and chosing the food I want to eat. And I eat at least half of what's on my plate. I didn't order any extra side orders, garlic bread or anything else. I don't believe I should force myself to eat more, have cramping stomach ache for hours later just to please someone else. And surely if I'm expecting to pay for the meal myself then I can order and leave what food I like? And I know I'm not going to put a load of weight back on due to one big meal.

The other criticism is just passing snipes, little things but when we were up there the last time I had my DPs parents question me in great depth about my business that I run...how much do I earn, etc and what my pension arrangements are.

My DP & his parents are close but that doesn't mean they should feel they can ask me the same probing questions.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/12/2011 14:52

I don´t think people are saying that OP must clear her plate.

Perhaps I´m mean, but I couldn´t order food knowing that I would be leaving it.

I couldn´t have a starter knowing that it would leave me unable to finish my main course.

"My DP & his parents are close but that doesn't mean they should feel they can ask me the same probing questions."

I agree-but maybe it´s a sign that they view you both the same & feel able to treat you as they treat their son.

Wouldn´t be for me-thank God my husband holds his cards as close to his chest as I do & ILs know better than to ask!

Crosshair · 05/12/2011 15:02

I would be annoyed at your dp for making you feel awful about a non issue that happened awhile ago.

Stick to what makes you happy, forcing yourself to eat more or order less doesnt sound like a nice night out to me.

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