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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with DP's Mum? - Petty and long - sorry :0(

57 replies

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 13:22

There's a well documented thread about me and DP (Fiance now) and how he's been in the past overly influenced by his parents.

In August he went to see them (they're in the North, we're in the South - Phew!) to see some cricket about a month after we'd had a 4 day visit to them.

I've lost quite a lot of weight this year and I do this by eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I've had enough. With this plan I can still eat out which is something which DP & I do quite alot. My stomach has shrunk and I now physically can't eat as much as I used to be able to, even though I love food. When we go out I still order a starter and a main course, but never a pudding. I rarely finish the main course, but still really enjoy my meal.

When we were up with them we were taken out for a meal in a nice restaurant and I ordered what I wanted and left some of the main course, again as per usual.

As a side issue, his mum is bullemic and is very slim.

After this visit the first issue that came up was that his Mum burst into tears that she's not going to become a 'grandma' & couldn't he do something about it. I'm infertile and we don't want to adopt. I'm also too old for IVF, & I have a low egg stock. He was really angry with her as it isn't something that's just been dropped on her, she's known for 3 years but felt as she was crying that he couldn't have a go at her.

Anyway, 5 months on and they're coming down this weekend and we've booked a restaurant. We were having a curry out on saturday and we were discussing my diet and I said 'it's worked well because I don't feel under pressure to eat everything on my plate' which then sparked off the comment 'oh yes, just to warn you but my Mum was really annoyed that you ordered loads of food when we went up and then you left all of it!'

Err, no I didn't! They chose to pay for the meal, I didn't expect them too and I didn't actually leave that much because it was lovely!!

Up until recently we've got on really well, but now I can do nothing right!

I know this is stupid but I hope it really snows and they can't make it down this weekend! Not sure I can put on my 'happy face' & grin and bear it

OP posts:

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 15:12

yes, I agree Crosshair that DP needs to learn what is actually important to pass on and what's better to be kept to himself. He definately needs to work on that one!

OP posts:

diddl · 05/12/2011 15:17

Well he´s probably got that from his mum if she thinks that it´s OK to comment about anything & everything.

LovesBloominChristmas · 05/12/2011 15:23

You could ask for a doggy bag and give it to your mil to take home.

Personally I would have asked my dp if he and his mother would prefer it if I forced it down and then threw it up

2rebecca · 05/12/2011 15:24

If you find their questions too intrusive just tell them you prefer to keep some stuff private or say "oh I don't want to talk about that boring stuff" and change the subject. I agree your husband was stupid to tell you this, and that it reflects your mother's problems not yours, although you could use it as a reason to pay for your own food next time as then you can eat and leave what you choose.
It sounds as though you are too thin skinned and need to deflect their prying questions and let their criticisms wash over you. They're his parents not yours. You don't have to please them.

amicissima · 05/12/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumofthreekids · 05/12/2011 15:51

OP, well done for losing the weight - it sounds like you have a very healthy attitude towards food.

However, I think many people from the war time generation feel very uncomfortable with wasting food - my ILs are the same. So although you were not IMO being rude, I can understand that your DP's parents genuinely thought you were. Not sure I agree that DP should have kept this to himself - isn't he just giving you the heads-up to stop it happening again?

So, if you would prefer not to offend his parents in future, maybe skip the starter when you are out to dinner with them. I assume you don't eat out with them very often, so is that really so hard? Of course you could continue as before, and it is your right to do so, but I don't think you can then complain that you can "do nothing right" if you choose to do this knowing that it offends them.

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 16:02

It's funny, I took my Mum out for afternoon tea the other day. It had been pre-planned for a couple of months.

The plate of food arrived, sandwiches, scones, little cakes as you would expect. We both just had a little of each and left the rest. I wasn't offended that my Mum didn't scoff the lot even though I paid for it. The most important part was that we had a pleasant time and enjoyed it. Maybe it's me who just thinks like this.

I do take the comments on board & yes, I'll be paying for all my meals in the future with insistence if necessary. It's taken 11 months to lose 5 stone and I'm not about to change back to my old behaviour to suit someone who'd rather I did. I appreciate that Bullima is a mental disorder but so is over eating to a degree. When I pay I don't ask whether she'd gone off to be sick? Harsh comments, but true.

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 05/12/2011 16:12

YANBU
I know what you mean about the stomach shrinking too, I used to be able to eat as much as dp before I lost weight. I could never do it now, and whenever we have a takeaway I save half for the next day
Well done on your weight loss op

SarahBumBarer · 05/12/2011 16:15

Good grief - OP if it is any comfort I feel just like you do about eating out. I love it, looking over the menu chosing different foods, discussing choices with DH enjoying the atmosphere of a restaurant etc. I'm a real foodie and have to be careful about putting on too much weight.

My idea restaurants would be tapas where I could try bits of lots of things. In a more traditional restaurant I would chose a starter and a main course(although I do often do the two starters thing because often there are more nice starters than main courses) because I like the anticipation of choosing and looking forward to two dishes. If I choose to leave some of the main then that is no business of anyone's but mine. (Whispers - sometimes, I also deliberately leave a bit more of my main in order to leave room for a particularly yummy sounding pudding )

Fingers crossed for snow for you!

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 05/12/2011 16:23

OP If you've lost 5 stones in under a year then your DP really is a bit of an arse passing on that comment about 'wasted' food from his mother.

Your body isn't the bleeding dustbin.

It is precisely by learning to leave food that lots of people lose weight and recalibrate their appetite. It may seem wasteful but so is shoving excess food into one's gob.

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 16:24

SarahBumBarer - we're reading from the same page!

OP posts:

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 16:28

Yes, 5 stone down with another 2.5-3 to go. I have a condition called lipodema where my body creates too much fat and it's stored in the hips, thighs, bottom & calves. This weight can't be shifted by diet and exercise. I've had it diagnosed formally this year by Prof Mortimer who researches this disorder. It's a bit of viscious circle really...you hate the way you look so you comfort eat, you put on weight which is then almost impossible to lose so you then hate the way you look, etc etc

But I'm happy with the results so far. My DP unfortunately just doesn't engage his brain at these times.

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 16:30

Wow I can't believe the posts saying that the OP should eat the whole meal because someone else has paid for it! What's it got to do with anyone else? The meal still costs the same if the OP eats it or not. Why should the OP stuff herself until she's uncomfortably full just to keep someone else happy! Bonkers!

I went out for dinner a couple of days ago and the main was so large I could only eat half of it, even then I had a stomach ache after!

It's this mentality of must clear the plate that makes so many people overweight!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 16:31

This weight can't be shifted by diet and exercise.

So how does eating less shift it? Or did I miss that?

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/12/2011 16:35

Must say I never finish everything on my plate and sometimes I even leave my main course and still have a pudding

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 16:41

This reminds me of years ago when I went out to dinner with an ex's family. His parents were paying for the meal. When it came to desert everyone except the parents ordered and they didn't say a word until the deserts actually arrived and then had a huge rant about how we should have ordered the free icecream that apparently came with the mains we had (we didn't know anything about that) rather then other deserts. We didn't know! So we were all sat there with our lovely deserts in front of us, feeling like naughtly little children and couldn't enjoy them! The could have said something before we ordered but chose not too. People can be weird about food.

WaitingForMe · 05/12/2011 16:55

Passing on nasty things other people have said about you is just as nasty as the original statement.

A year ago I put my foot down with DP and said I didn't give a flying f**k if his mother found a dozen tiny things about me unacceptable but that I refused to be with someone who thought it was ok to pass it on. Obviously I'd take on board serious concerns but my favourite MIL criticism has been my pyracantha berries being the wrong colour (on a bush, in the garden of our rented house).

God knows what she thinks of me but it's HER problem.

anonacfr · 05/12/2011 16:56

If you're not prepared to pay for a meal, don't offer. Or pay for your share. And FFS they're adults. Why are they talking about the OP's eating habits as if she were a naughty toddler?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2011 17:16

It sounds to me as if both you and DP's mother are a little fixated on food and what others eat. It's very boring for everybody around people who drone on and on about food all the time, ditto plate watchers, really bad manners too.

Eat what you want to eat and try to shift the emphasis away from food because you and this woman seem to be 'competing'.

flamegirl77 · 05/12/2011 17:22

OP says she rarely finishes the main course. We don't know she's leaving half of it! If you invite someone for a meal it's rude to complain about what they do or don't eat. IMVHO.

WilsonFrickett · 05/12/2011 17:31

Waiting that might just be my favourite MIL insult ever.

I'm really that so many people on this thread think not clearing a plate is somehow 'rude' - it really isn't. It's also very anti-social (IMHO) to not order a starter if others are - it means you're left staring at an empty plate and draws more attention to the fact you're eating less. When I did WeightWatchers the advice was to try and order two starters (but then I would add chips to my second one so not sure I really got the point of that one) or to mentally draw a line through your main course plate and only eat half. If you eat out a lot you either need to develop strategies like this, or you have to stop eating out, which wasn't a step I was prepared to take.

Having said all that, sounds like there's a lot of tension around food with OP and MIL and wonder if there's a way you could maybe not go out for meals when you're with them? Or try tapas or family service type places where its easier to control what's on your plate?

MabelOranje · 05/12/2011 17:34

Forget about your MIL, OP, and tell us about the hypnosis which helped you lose so much weight! Did you go to an hypnotist, how many sessions did you need?

Well done, btw

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 17:46

Gluesticks - I still have a large bottom, thighs & calves. It's about balancing out my overall shape and keeping as much in proportion as what the actual scales read.

Apart from people who starve themselves for long periods, the body goes into some sort of hibernation when you diet and don't eat enough, and you stop losing weight. I eat small amounts when I'm hungry, because I'm eating what I need and when I need it. Sorry if that's boring for some, but the questions been asked.

Lying Witch - I'm certainly not competing with anyone. I may be fixated on my own food as it important that I think about what I eat, rather than just stuff food in my mouth would considering whether I actually want it or not.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/12/2011 17:49

I don´t think it´s rude not to clear a plate-but I usually make more effort when out

I certainly don´t think it´s rude not to have a starter just because others are.

If I know it´ll "spoil" my main course-why would I?

Original poster

ButternutSquish · 05/12/2011 17:54

Ok MabelOrange, just for you!

I started to see the hypnotherapist in Feb. I had a couple of sessions where we discussed my personal food issues (no need to get into that here). With the help of 'tapping' and EFT (emotional freedom technique) I learned to value myself and bring some closure to the things I felt. I then had a virtual gastric band fitted under hypnosis.

I also have the gormet food eating system where I can eat anything I like (within reason) as long as I stop eating when I've had enough. That's not the same as being full. I have a CD which I listen to occassionally now which re-enforces the band. I used to listen to this about 2/3 times a week at the beginning. The idea is not to deprive yourself of anything but be satisfied with a smaller amount.

I used to see her about once a week but now I go about once every 3 weeks, just to keep things in check. I have to exercise which I'm pretty rubbish at fitting in as this speeds things up. Hopefully this is an eating plan for life

OP posts:

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