to think Cancer Research should rethink some of their marketing?

[MrsCarriePooter]

This is a fairly mild AIBU but interested in what you think.

We were in our local Cancer Research shop this morning and in the window they had a big poster of a woman who had survived breast cancer, but the wording was something about "Vanessa wasn't going to let cancer beat her". I said to the volunteer insider when I was paying that I thought that was a bit offensive, as though those who die from cancer just had decided to roll over and "let cancer beat" them. Was I just being overtouchy? Having had relatives die of cancer I know I could be. The volunteer said "she'd pass my views" on to the area manager.

YANBU.

My mother died of pancreatic cancer in March of this year. It's an evil, sneaking, insidious type of cancer because most of the time you don't know you have it till it's too late. In her case it was only discovered because it had spread to her entire bone structure. She felt perfectly fine - then went to get up out of bed on 18th December last year and couldn't. She thought she'd put her back out. Last Christmas she was on Valium and tramadol for the pain. In january, when it was clear that something more serious was going on, she had scan after scan, test after test, culminating in a bone biopsy which confirmed that the bone cancer was secondary, and that the primary was likely to be pancreatic. The final diagnosis came on February 16th. She died on March 18th.

No amount of positive thinking or "fight" would have helped her. By the time it was found it was out of control and she was beyond any assistance.

She did have one blast of radiotherapy (she was too far gone for chemo) and it just made her horribly sick and didn't help her in any way.

I think a lot of it is ultimately down to luck - by that I mean the type of cancer that gets you. If you have one that is treatable if caught early enough, then you may have to undergo the horrible treatments but you stand a good chance of living a bit longer. If not.... well.

Noodle Signed.

Thankyou. I really appreciate it. Like others here, I have shed many many tears over this horrible disease. It is tuly evil.

Good luck to all of you xx

becstarsky I remember when my Mum was diagnosed when I was 16 (she's still alive, thank god), some of my 'friends' avoided me at school - I'd see them dodge into doorways so as not to have to speak to me. Just in case they caught 'having a mum with cancer' off me."

I had a similar kind of experience when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Not so much that they'd avoid me, exactly, more that they refused to let me talk about it. One of the long-term consequences of that is I almost never talk about my feelings about anything to anyone (no doubt to their great relief).

YANBU. I couldn't agree more with you, op. You wouldn't tell someone with, say, a broken leg to think positively to make it better. It must be awful to have cancer and see these messages.

hackmum I'm so sorry you went through that - it shook my trust in people too. I found that the people who were there for me weren't the people I'd expected at all.

Noodlemacdoodle signed.

Iamseeingstars so sorry to hear what you are going through. xxx

becstarsky - that's the really weird thing. People you think are your friends turn out to be useless, and people who you are on the edge of your acquaintance sometimes turn out to be the most supportive. It's a revelation - you realise you don't know people as well as you thought you did.

hackmum in terms of realising who a good friend is: I have the searing memory of a friend of my mums (whom we had sometimes had a bit of a giggle over because she was so posh) lovingly giving my mother a manicure in hospital while my mother was in the final stage of her illness. I have never reappraised someone so fast. Since then I have often thought its not about how someone appears its about what they do.

Some people seem really down to earth but end up being useless, other people seem really posh but arent afraid of helping out, asking what you need, finding out exactly what it is they can do to help. I often wish I was more consistently in this latter group. But its a hard skill to master.

I haven't seen those posters OP, but YANBU.

I remember feeling similar things when a woman on TV decided to extoll the virtues of her chosen birth plan and dismissed all comments about the potential risks as not applying to her as she had "a positive attitude" and "knew" everything would be alright.

Well I didn't lose two babies to stillbirth and prematurity because my attitude wasn't positive enough and sadly I now know plenty of bereaved parents who "knew" everything was going to be okay through the pregnancy and then had their worlds ripped apart by loss of one sort or another.

She offended me very much and I've never forgotten her (or forgiven her), especially as she said that people who do experience difficulties in pregnancy and birth probably were expecting a bad experience and so they got one.

I agree very much that those posters are unfair and offensive to many people and I'm sorry that you have been upset by it. Positive thinking is all very well and I admire anyone who can say of any situation "this won't beat me" but sadly some people lose the fight no matter how hard they try. To indirectly imply that those people didn't try hard enough is very, very wrong.

Firsttime - yes, you are completely right. I wish I'd learnt to be a better judge of character as I've got older, but I'm not sure that I have. People still surprise me. A couple of years ago, we had a problem with my DD being ill (long story), and the person who was most supportive and just generally brilliant was a friend of a friend, someone I'd never really been close to. Whereas other people were, shall we say, less helpful.

Journalists sometimes have to ask stupid questions to get a really good answer - and look at the answer he gave, it's brilliant. She managed to get him say completely and unequivocally that it's not about having a positive mental attitude, and that message will be brought home to everybody who reads it.

I know that hackmum because I am one. I do not agree that she did it well. That said, I agree with your comments about John Diamond.

I saw my psychologist for counselling this afternoon and mentioned this thread to her and how the insistence on "fighting" and winning/losing "battles" made so many of us who are living with cancer feel angry and frustrated, so thank you, people on this thread, for helping me articulate my thoughts to her.

We also spoke about my reluctance to share my anxiety and fears with my DH and DC, to the extent that when I had my last counselling session three weeks ago, I became extremely distressed. I pretty much had to give myself "permission" to get upset or angry when I feel I need to and by doing that, it gives DH and DC "permission" to get upset or angry too. Cancer has been like the elephant in the room in this house - we all know it's there, but we don't really want to talk about it. Thankfully, we are now being much more open about our feelings, which means at least I don't feel that I am having to be jolly and positive all the time.

limejelly, I had 11 infected lymph nodes removed when I had my surgery earlier this year, so I had the same sense of dread when I read that post. I now have to process that, while remembering that each case is different and that treatments are improving all the time.

This disease is just shitty. Reading all the experiences on here just confirms it.

I have taken great heart from this thread. Thank you, MrsCarriePooter, for starting it and YANBU.

Six weeks ago tomorrow I saw my GP. Four weeks ago tomorrow I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two weeks ago yesterday I had a mastectomy. This time tomorrow I will be receiving the biopsy results from my consultant and learning what further treatment is required. I am frankly scared witless.

I had Ductal Carcinoma In Situ in my other breast 19 years ago. That was successfully treated with a lumpectomy, radiotherapy and Tamoxifen. I was lucky then. Will I be lucky a second time? There's no way of knowing.

I'm already fed up to the back teeth with having to put on a brave face for family and friends. There are times when I wish we hadn't told anyone else about this. DH is taking the brunt of my fear and frustration because there's no one else in RL with whom I can be totally honest. I now screen all my phone calls and simply don't answer if it's MIL or one of the other people who seem to need more support than I do at the moment.

I've already told a few people that we will not be revealing the outcome of tomorrow's clinic visit for a few days. If it's good news it can wait. If it's bad news then DH and I need time to come to terms with it before dealing with other people's reactions.

The last thing I need now is to feel that I must "be brave", "fight", "battle" or do anything other than try to stay sane.

I second the suggestion to link this to CRUK. My sister is recovering from Breast Cancer and my sister in law died nearly ten years ago from Cancer. They both fought like tigers. I am offended by the poster! I donate £2 to CRUK and in fact i think i will email them with a link to this page!

I am most of the way through a year of treatment for breast cancer. It's not been easy. Have I 'fought'? Nope, I've done the exact opposite, which is to try to enjoy life and take it easy, see lots of family and friends and generally do the things I want to do. It's hard enough as it is without having to 'battle' anything.

I have emailed their press office. The email is [email protected] if anyone else wants to email them!!

I went through a phase after DD finished her intensive chemo block and fought a very nasty, life-threatening infection, where I became very depressed and I just stopped talking to everyone. I sat on the sofa and felt thoroughly worn out. I didn't have the energy to keep being neutral about everything. I also completely get the idea of having to support others RightTit; I've had some conversations with people this year who have intimated that I have been neglectful in keeping them up to date with how DD is getting on. I just feel like screaming FUCK OFF at them. It's my DD, it's she and I affected (I know I don't have cancer, but my life has had to grind to a halt whilst I become her carer, along with the worry and pain that this entails). It should be other people chasing after me. It is not my job to consider their feelings. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just do not have the energy for it.

Sweetest it's almost like people worry that if they talk about the worst happening, or say it out loud, then it will become. This is so unhelpful to the person with cancer though, because once again it makes it seem like they can exercise control over the disease by not displaying worry/emotion or voicing concern. This goes along with what limejelly said about the idea that if you allow yourself to be negative, you are less likely to survive . You should be able to say you are scared and you should have support. I've got myself a counsellor now too so I can do this, as I was on the verge of exploding from pent up emotion.

Can I thank the OP too? I never talk to anyone about how I feel (my meetings with therapist are far between at the moment as we've had a spell of being in and out of hospital again). It's nice to vent, and to share experience with others.

One of the most useful things I did was set up a blog and use that to set down how I feel about what is happening, details of treatments, my reactions and emotions etc. It's really cathartic for me but it also means that whenmy friends and family read it, they get some idea of how I feel about it all and how scared/anxious/angry etc I am. Just the act of writing things down helps me, although I know it's not for everyone.

noodle petition signed, thank you for the link

I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread who is, or who has been, affected by cancer, either as a patient, relative or friend. This thread is great, as it has proven that we are all human and that being scared, angry, frustrated, resentful and a whole host of other "negative" (please note the quotation marks!) emotions is just a normal part of dealing with this horrible disease.

Bloody headline on the front page of the Mirror today - "Jennifer Saunders on her battle with cancer." GGgggrrrr. I felt like buying a copy and burning it!

righttit, kinky, sweety - fingers crossed for good results very soon, I'm thinking of you. If you ever need to have a cry on a virtual shoulder, please feel free to PM me.

sorry I meant *sweetestthing" not sweety!

Kinky I wish I could do something to help you. I just want you to know that I really really do understand everything you are writing.

Please try and find an outlet for your grief and anger. I know you cant do it in front of your DD but can you find a hill to shout on or a soundprooof room to go and scream in? Anywhere you can LET out that crap.

I have IBS now. Its all that tension and living off (if you are like me) energy drinks and painkillers.

I totally understand it you dont want to but if you do, you can PM me anytime you want. If you want to talk to someone who knows.

But its absolutely ok if you feel you cant.

x

Thank you for that MrsDeVere. It is helpful to be able to talk to someone who knows. My internet is changing over any time now, so I will be offline for a bit, but I will get in touch.

Also MrsMcEnroe. It is appreciated.

Noodlemacdoodle signed.

When my mum was diagnosed with mouth cancer she said she would "fight hard" and fight hard she did. The chemo and radiotherapy were horrendous but she was so strong.
Sadly it turned out to be terminal and she passed away in June at the age of 58. It was very traumatic watching the cancer eat her alive literally and I was so stressed throughout. She did fight but the knowledge that death was inevitable at that time she also gained a peaceful, almost spiritual acceptance.
I do agree that I hate the wording "loosing the fight" etc as it does imply that the person isn't strong enough. My mum was tremendously strong and had a tremendous will to live but sadly the cancer was too aggressive.
When she was first diagnosed I'm afraid that I did tell her to stay positive, drink green tea and eat smoothies etc. I soon realised what a crock of shite that was. Half the time her mouth was so sore that she couldn't eat anything anyway. Cancer is truly horrific but the macmillan staff and St Margaret's hospice staff were amazing; you are all wonderful! Thank you; due to your care my mum's pain was minimum and she had a dignified death.