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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not except partners apology.

61 replies

teenagedirtbag · 04/12/2011 21:37

To cut out the extra long background
(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1352331-To-be-REALLY-angry-with-Dp-sorry-another-xmas-complain)

Since then he has said sorry he has promised he will

Go on a cooking course so he can cook the Xmas dinner
To take the kids out every Saturday so I can go shopping or have a lie in or whatever I want to do
He has already canceled plans with my mum
To take me out for a meal
He has bought me flowers and a necklace and and little teddies all of which have love poems on them.
Comics and silly bits and bobs for the kids

But I STILL haven't said he can come back cause everytime I ask him why he is sorry or why does he think I got upset he says
' cause I spoke to your mum '
but says nothing about not wanting to see me or Dc's xmas day.

Since telling him to go I have had really bad nightmeres and haven't been sleeping because I'm alone and some stuff happened a few years ago and the person who did this ,ran from the law and has not been caught.

But when I talked to a friend about this she told me to just take him back then
so AIBU? or is Friend?

OP posts:
Kayano · 04/12/2011 21:43

I can't use your other link

But

It reminds me of an episode of supernanny I saw this
Morning where the mother issued a warning and said that something had to change.... And then implemented the punishment before they had even had a chance to turn in around iyswim

My random input
For the day

LydiaWickham · 04/12/2011 21:52

is he in the shed or at his mums?

Anyway, have you tried sitting down with him and telling him exactly what upset you? Not that he spoke to your mum, but that he didn't want to spend Christmas with you and the DCs. Have you asked him to explain exactly why he didn't want to spend the day with you, tell him you're not prepared to discuss him moving back in until you've had a truthful answer to the 'why' and then you can work on that.

Unless you want to end your marriage, in which case, you're using this as an excuse and nothing he can say or do would fix it.

MenopausalHaze · 04/12/2011 21:53

It's 'accept' not 'except'.

babyhammock · 04/12/2011 21:58

I'd be wary of having him back as he just doesn't 'get it' does he

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 04/12/2011 21:58

Well if he doesn't understand what hurt you so much then you need to explain! And see what he says and does after he does understand.

Irishchic · 04/12/2011 22:54

For God's sake woman learn to spell, it's "accept" FFS!

nooka · 04/12/2011 23:15

I think it would have been easier to continue your first thread rather than starting a second one. Reading the other thread I can see why you are upset, your dp made a really bad suggestion and you had every right to be mad at him. But he has apologised, and he's obviously taken in that you were really upset and tried to make you feel better.

I think you have to stop and think what you are trying to achieve by not letting him back into your house because if otherwise he is a good partner and father it seems like a bit of an extreme reaction to kick him out even if it was a crass plan (for those that didn't see the other thread he arranged that OP and children went to her mothers house for Christmas instead of the planned day at home, and then said that he might in fact stay home and relax whilst she did so, knowing that the OP doesn't get along with her mother).

I don't think it is reasonable to demand an apology entirely on your own terms - have you even told your dp why you are really angry? It's common to assume that our partners can read our minds, but that really isn't the case.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:18

oh that thread....

well he seems to be doing what he can to make amends.... I would say you are being a bit harsh on him.. and could end up cutting your nose off to spite your face...

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 23:21

I think throwing him out was an over reaction, so he wants a chilled christmas that is easy enough to have even if at home with family and children. He made a comment that he is now trying to back track on it is not a marriage breaker.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/12/2011 23:22

It makes no sense to let him come back until it's sorted.
But is he giving you that answer to upset you again Confused or because he genuinely doesn't know why you were upset? Have you told him?
Have you asked him why he wanted to spend Christmas Day on his own and send you and your DCs away?
And why he thinks it's ok to behave like a single man and wash his hands of all responsibility?

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 23:24

Oh come on he didn't fuck someone else, he didn't spend all the money on gambling, he made an insensitive comment because he does not like the hoo ha of Christmas, some people don't its no reason to split up or kick someone out.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/12/2011 23:32

He has accepted that he hurt you and is trying to make amends. This is good. What would also be good is if you can make clear to him just what he did that hurt you so. Talk to him. You won't regret it. You may regret it if you don't.

festi · 04/12/2011 23:48

you are fucking joking me for the first 10 or so posts I thought he beat the crap out of you or something. untill I managed to open the thread.

jeeezzz do people really conduct their disposable realtionships like this. But hey Im a single mum and im pretty darn sure I know now why, i couldnt be arsed with shit like this.

festi · 04/12/2011 23:49

and bugger me fabby for the first time I actually think Im with you on this one. Wink

A1980 · 05/12/2011 00:14

Don't accept his apology then and split up with him for good.

nailak · 05/12/2011 00:35

I think you are expecting him to read your mind. You need to say, I am hurt that you didn't want to spend Xmas with us, and participate in a family event. And it makes me view you and our relationship differently. I want a partner who wants to spend time with us and enjoys doing so.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 05/12/2011 02:18

Menopausal & IrishChic - please take your snipey comments to Pedants' Corner where they belong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2011 09:09

YY... ChippingIn.

PopcornMouse · 05/12/2011 09:53

You threw him out? Shock
He was BVU, but - really? Shock

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 05/12/2011 10:11

Did you literally only sling him out for this? Or was there other longstanding issues and this was straw that broke the camel's back?

It sounds like he is truly sorry that he upset you so much. If he still doesn't "get it" that it's because he made it seem he didn't want to spend christmas with you and the kids (which is a horrible attitude imo) why don't you just tell him? Really. Just say "you not wanting to spend christmas with as a family has really hurt me." He might actually understand then (I'd hope!) and make it up to you appropriately. Why make yourself, him and your kids miserable and have a shitty christmas when it could all be sorted out?

Blu · 05/12/2011 10:19

Have you TOLD him what aspect upset him so much, or are you setting him a test and making him play guessing games?

He was an idiot, but clumsy as he might be, he seems to be wanting to make it up to you. But you need to be realistic. For e.g a one off cooking course between now and Christmas is unlikely to equip a beginner to mastermind a Christmas dinner.

Either things are bad between you in a deeper underlying way than your first post suggests, ir you are wallowing in the drama of this. Communicate with him, don't play games.

Nyx · 05/12/2011 10:19

I agree with Santa, you've made your point and while I agree with you, it sounds like he is desperately sorry for upsetting you. I would tell him exactly why you are pissed off - that he has said he wanted Christmas day to himself and was willing to pack you and the children off to your parents', where you wouldn't enjoy yourself, to get that. But he knows now how unreasonable that was. I would let him back and let him do all the nice things for you that he has promised, and relax a bit. I'm fairly sure he won't suggest it again. You will probably have a lovely Christmas day now, all of you together.

whattodoo · 05/12/2011 10:21

He WAS incredibly unreasonable.
But have you told him what upset you particularly, ie that he didn't want to spend Christmas Day with you and DC? Maybe he hasn't understood that yet. Perhaps a mature conversation with no shouting, emotional outburts etc might give you both the opportunity to get your POV across and listen to the other.
Do you want this relationship to finish for good? How much longer are you going to live separately?

What would you feel if your DP thought to himself "oh well, she's obviously decided we're over. I'd better start moving forward with my own life ..... "
I'm sure you're not playing games with him, but please think about the bigger picture and what you want long term. Sit him down, tell him what's on your mind and let him decide if he can apologise for that. then make your decision about whether you want to remain with him.
What do the DC make of all this? Its probably quite confusing for them.

BlueFergie · 05/12/2011 10:33

You have kicked him out? Really? Wow it was insensitive and hurtful what he did. And I would have put my DH straight pretty quickly if he had suggested it. But it was a mistake and he is sorry. Talk to him. Explain how it made you feel. I am sure he will get it.
Is there other issues?
Menopausal & IrishChic - Very helpful comments to a woman who is going through a hard time in her relationship and is now also confronting something difficult that happened in her past. I am sure she found your posts very comforting. What nasty petty little comments.