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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not except partners apology.

61 replies

teenagedirtbag · 04/12/2011 21:37

To cut out the extra long background
(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1352331-To-be-REALLY-angry-with-Dp-sorry-another-xmas-complain)

Since then he has said sorry he has promised he will

Go on a cooking course so he can cook the Xmas dinner
To take the kids out every Saturday so I can go shopping or have a lie in or whatever I want to do
He has already canceled plans with my mum
To take me out for a meal
He has bought me flowers and a necklace and and little teddies all of which have love poems on them.
Comics and silly bits and bobs for the kids

But I STILL haven't said he can come back cause everytime I ask him why he is sorry or why does he think I got upset he says
' cause I spoke to your mum '
but says nothing about not wanting to see me or Dc's xmas day.

Since telling him to go I have had really bad nightmeres and haven't been sleeping because I'm alone and some stuff happened a few years ago and the person who did this ,ran from the law and has not been caught.

But when I talked to a friend about this she told me to just take him back then
so AIBU? or is Friend?

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 06/12/2011 23:18

I don't get why some of you think she's overreacting. OK, so he hasn't hit her, or cheated on her, or abused her...but not wanting to spend Christmas with your partner and children is a definite indicator that the relationship is flawed. Not sure I could come back from that.

PigletJohn · 06/12/2011 23:21

Then I must have misunderstood "Because if they thought they had done something wrong - then they wouldn't need telling WHAT they had done wrong." in which case I apologise

CardyMow · 06/12/2011 23:50

It's not playing 'mind games', it's just that if I had gone as far as sharing my life with someone, I would expect them to know my values, and what would upset me, and to make sure that they do not do things that would upset me.

I'm quite sure that the OP's DP knew that the OP doesn't get on brilliantly with her mother. I'm quite sure that the OP's DP knew that they had already made arrangements to spend Christmas at home together. I'm quite sure that the OP's DP knew that making arrangements to spend Christmas apart from the OP would upset the OP, given that the OP had made her feelings plain in their previous discussion about Christmas. I'm quite sure that the OP's DP knew that leaving her alone over Christmas to deal with their dc would be seen as being selfish and upsetting.

So please tell me HOW, exactly he is not able to understand the OP's problem?? It is not a case of 'if you don't know I'm not telling you', The case is that he DOES know what the issue is, and WHY should the OP have to tell him what the issue is when he ALREADY KNOWS?? He would only have to have a very superficial think to see what was wrong - Unless he didn't think that doing those things was wrong.

Which to me, would be a big red flag that would make me question what sort of a person I was in a relationship with...

carernotasaint · 07/12/2011 00:13

Agree 100% Huntycat and if it had been the OP who didnt want to spend Christmas Day with her DC there would have been cries of "unfit mother etc.
Seems its ok for the man (father) to do it though.
Having these inequalities and different expectations in society of mothers and fathers is just one of the reasons that i chose not to have children.
checks calandar just to clarify that this is 2011

difficulttimes · 07/12/2011 00:18

The biggest issue here is that he doesnt understand why what he did was wrong, or why it upset you.

Dont divorce but dont let him in the house until he apologises properly.

nooka · 07/12/2011 05:32

I don't think that anyone is saying that the dp's arrangements were OK, nor that the idea he stay at home was OK either. However OP's no compromise no communication approach is quite likely to mean that this issue does not get resolved but blows up into an almighty row with no turning back. It is a very bad idea to assume that because you are very angry and hurt by something your partner knows exactly which thing they did or said needs to be grovelled about the most. Even when you have been together for a very long time different people bring their own values and experiences to every situation and may see things in a very different light.

Perhaps the dp really didn't realise how much his partner disliked spending time with her mother. Perhaps he really wasn't keen on the idea of spending the whole of Christmas without out any family other than his partner and children and the OP didn't really take that in. Perhaps he thought that really it would be too much for his pregnant with twins partner to be doing all the work of a Christmas meal (this one seems quite possible with the offer to learn how to cook). Perhaps he has totally forgotten he said that he'd like to stay at home, or wasn't being serious - who knows?

There are two participants in every conversation and it's quite possible that the replays in each of their heads are quite different.

The key to a good and lasting relationship is communication and if one or the other party refuses to talk then I think the relationship is going to go nowhere.

whattodoo · 07/12/2011 08:47

There is no question in my mind that OP's DP behavious was outrageous, unthinking, selfish etc etc. Yes, he needs to work out for himself why OP is still so angry and unaccepting of his apology.
However, this stand-off is not helping anyone. It reads to me that OP has decided the relationship is over unless he works out why she is so upset/angry.
I see that OP plans to have an open conversation with DP which IMO is the right thing to do. Lay all the cards on the table, make it clear that his behaviour was a very serious matter and potentially a deal-breaker. But give him the opportunity to see the error of his ways, both to discuss whether there is a way forward together or decide to live seperately.
It can't be emotionally healthy for anyone to be living in this state of uncertainty.

MerryMarigold · 07/12/2011 16:25

carernotasaint, I said I would struggle with the idea of being home with just my immediate family on Christmas day and no-one shouted 'unfit mother' at me. I think it would hideous tbh, but each to their own. I can imagine a thread with a Mum saying that and loads of people saying, "Yeah I'd hate it too" with a couple saying, "but WHY do you FEEL that way?", but no-one would call me an unfit mother. I think an unfit mother is someone that throws their kid's Dad out over something relatively petty and thoughtless.

OrmIrian · 07/12/2011 16:29

Just tell him what he did wrong. Whether he should know but is too stupid to know, or whether he does know and is playing games, or whether he is actually an alien dressed as an adult human and doesn't understand human emotions unless they are spelled out to him......actually doesn't matter. Tell him why you are angry. Then either let him back home, or kick him out permanently.

It seems that both of you are playing games.

ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 16:36

tbh OP you sound quite hard work, so maybe thats why he fancied a non-nagging christmas day

ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 16:39

say I find it hurtful that you blah blah blah

then move on. Dont mention it again, dont drag it on and on, keep harping on about it, haranguing him . If he wants to make amends, he will. If he doesnt, he wont and you can choose what to do at that point

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