Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DS2 my surname?

68 replies

MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 09:56

This is my first AIBU so please go gently...

I kept my maiden name when I got married. DS1 took DH's surname and I'd like to give DS2 my surname. DH was initially ok with this but is coming under pressure from his family to explain the decision.

I grew up with various step and half siblings so know from experience that having a different surname makes no difference to how you feel about your sibling but DH (who grew up in a traditional family set-up) is wary. He thinks it will cause problems for the boys but can't think of any specific scenarios.

We live in SE London and the schools have huge mixes of children so I think must be used to all sorts of families. I've also promised that should the boys find it a problem having different surnames when they're older then of course they can change them.

Neither of us have male siblings or cousins with the same surname so both of our surnames will end with us if we don't pass them on to our DSs. So we're equally attached to them.

We don't know anyone else personally who has given their children different surnames (which is making it harder for DH to sell to his family) but my take is that times are changing and this scenario will become more common as less women change their names upon marriage.

OTOH I have to register DS2 next week and don't want to railroad DH into something he's unhappy with. I also don't want to force my principles on the DSs.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
StaceymAloneForver · 02/12/2011 09:59

I don't think it's unreasonable of you at all to want your family name to carry on as well as your dh's, tell him to ignore his family, he agreed originally and it's your decision not his families!

tryingtoleave · 02/12/2011 10:03

I considered giving dc2 my surname. Dh said he would be ok with it. But in the end I didn't care enough about the name to do something fairly unconventional. And I wanted my children to have the same name.

grovel · 02/12/2011 10:05

People are going to assume that your DCs have different fathers. You may not mind but they (your DCs) might.
I wouldn't do it, frankly.

squeakytoy · 02/12/2011 10:06

YABU in my opinion. Your surname should be your family name, and I cannot understand why people want to have different names when they are part of one family unit.

WeThreeKingsOfMardyBra · 02/12/2011 10:07

I can see your logic, but I would be concerned that it might create a "them and us" scenario in your family unit. I also agree that people would assume that DS2 had a different father.

Llanbobl · 02/12/2011 10:08

Could you hyphenate as a compromise so, for example DS1 is Smith-Zuko and DS2 Zuko - Smith.

WeThreeKingsOfMardyBra · 02/12/2011 10:09

Hyphenation doesn't work for all names though. Some combinations sound plain ridiculous.

allcatsaregrey · 02/12/2011 10:15

All 3 of my kids have my surname. Their dad is fine with that cos he uses his mum's surname after falling out with his dad and I am the last in the family line to use our family name as my sister is married and her kids have her husbands name. One thing to watch for is apparently my partner cannot take my kids for immunisations and the likes without my signature/permission because he has a different name. Oh and he ALWAYS gets called Mr ..catsaregrey. by school/hospital/doctors etc...

Llanbobl · 02/12/2011 10:17

But mardybra - it may work for the OP - it is an option that may or may not have been considered and could be a pragmatic approach to their problem - let's here your ideas then Smile

WeThreeKingsOfMardyBra · 02/12/2011 10:23

Sorry Llan. Didn't want to put a complete downer on it. If the name combos work, it's an excellent idea. DH and I considered it and our name combination would have left loads of people with Hmm expressions.

Original poster
MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 10:25

Thanks for responses so far. We can't hyphenate - we'd end up with a 5 syllable monstrosity. I don't mind people assuming the boys are from different fathers, although I already have a different surname from DS1 and no-one's ever assumed I'm not his mother. At least, I don't think so.

OP posts:
PiousPrat · 02/12/2011 10:26

Other people may assume they have different fathers, but given that your eldest child has your partners name and is still on the scene, they may well just assume that you have given your child your name to even things up. Either way, does it matter? If they are the sort of people that children having different fathers would make a difference to how they treat you all, then sod them anyway.

Fwiw, we currently have 4 surnames between 5 of us in our house. DS1&2 have their fathers surname, I have mine, DP has his and DS3 has mine and DP's, so 2 Browns, a Smith, a Jones and a Smith-Jones. Both DP and I are end of the line for our names and while they are historic or 'important' names, they are ours as given to us by our fathers who are both now dead so we both wanted them to carry on. Eventually DP and I will get around to changing our names to Smith-Jones and DS1&2 know they have the option of any combination of available names they want to have.

I have never had any problems in not having the same surname as my eldest two so I would say if you want to do it and your DP has no actual objections beyond vague noises about what his family want, then do it.

FredFredGeorge · 02/12/2011 10:26

YANBU enjoy your surname. Absolutely no reason to invent a wholly new hyphenated name for a single child - it'll still be different to yours, DH's and his sibling. Just have the same a yours WGAF if people think they have different fathers.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 10:27

I suggest you chnge DS1s to a duble barrel. I have done this...my DH was a bit Hmm abou it all...ashe knew the DCwould probablyuse my name as it is much nicer than his...but he got over himself. is name is there and mine too on offical documents etc....I was the last to be able to keep our name going and I was OT going to be bullied...but I also think it's fair that both parents name is used.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 10:28

As a note....our hyphenated name sounds long winded...so we decided the kids could choose whch to use....DD1 chose mine when she was 6. She uses the initial of DHs too though....so for example she is Anna C-Smith a lot.

squeakytoy · 02/12/2011 10:29

I don't mind people assuming the boys are from different fathers, although I already have a different surname from DS1 and no-one's ever assumed I'm not his mother

But they (and more importantly) your husband may mind that people assume they have different fathers.

People wouldnt assume you were not the mother, because it is more common for kids to have different surnames, but usually only when they have different fathers.

I think it is unfair that a decision you choose to make, will impact more on the other people involved, who will often have to clarify.

This isnt about principles, this seems to be it is about being "different" and "modern".... and just seems silly.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 10:29

I just told school she wanted to go byone name...and they always use her full name on award certificates etc...but call out her name as Anna Smith. She's not phased.

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/12/2011 10:35

YANBU, although I think I would add yours to DS1's name to and give them both both names. I think sibs with different surnames might raise unnecessary questions.

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 10:35

Sweetie, speaking as a fellow-south east Londoner...school won't give a toss Grin

I would never change my surname and would have been horrified to give my daughter just their father's surname. (They have both. A hybrid monstrosity in its own right. I love it Grin.)

StaceymAloneForver · 02/12/2011 11:11

my dc's have my name, my dp has his (not their father) people still assume he's their dad though, when we marry i will take his name, both dc's want to take dp's name so they have the same surname as me, i wonder if I can do that without xh's approval (as they don't have his name anyway)

wanders off and considers starting a thread about it

pinkdelight · 02/12/2011 11:17

YANBU. Couple of options - you don't have to hyphenate. Just use DH name as a middle name for DS2 so that it's in there just before the surname, but no hyphenated. Alternatively, a couple I know gave their kids a completely new surname, just the nicest surname they could think of, and both kids have it.

catsrus · 02/12/2011 11:17

we had an unusual lastname solution too - do whatever feels right to you! We moved from London (where everyone seemed to have complex families and names) to a small traditional place where eyebrows were raised and assumptions made Xmas Hmm but none of us cared! Dcs now say they are very happy with choices we made and I think quite enjoy pointing out to friends that it is not compulsory to have the same lastname as your df!

Secondtimelucky · 02/12/2011 11:19

I wouldn't do it this way personally. I think one child having your surname and the other his creates the risk of a division within the family - you know, that DC1 is 'his' and DC2 is 'yours'. Added to which, who gets the surname if there is a third - two against one then.

I also think it is probably a bit unfair on your DH. No one will assume that either child is not yours - as it is common for a mother and child to have different surnames. But, as the elder child has his surname, people are very likely to think he is not DC2's father. Whilst at a feminist level that is a problem with society, I can see why it might upset him.

Assuming your DC1 is young enough not to be phased, I would think about changing his name and having both children have a name you are happy with. There are lots of options- double barrelled (even if it is long), a hybrid, your DH's surname but your surname as a middle name (or vice versa). You could also think about all taking a new name as a family.

I took DH's surname when we married, and it's important to me that our whole family has the same name (although I know it isn't something others worry about). If I hadn't taken his name, I would have wanted us to all double barrel or take a new name.

minipie · 02/12/2011 11:45

YANBU to want to be fair as regards surname distribution.

I think it would be slightly better if you could find a solution that would mean your DCs don't have different names - double barrel, hybrid name, new name for whole family - but if these don't work for you for some reason then your solution sounds pretty good to me.

Yes there is a potential that people will assume that you and DH have split up and you have DS2 with someone else. However, you, your family and your close friends will all know that is not the case, so who cares what casual acquaintances may assume?

I don't think it will cause division within the family or a "his child/your child" feeling. How daft. I mean, what if DS1 had DH's colour hair and DS2 had your colour hair? Would that mean DS1 was more DH's child and DS2 was more your child? Of course not.

One question - are you planning to have a DC3? If so, I can see that the "equal split of surnames" solution may fall down at that point... !

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2011 11:56

YABU I just don't see the point in it

As Squeaky says, if it affects anyone it'll affect your DH and your child.