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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DS2 my surname?

68 replies

MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 09:56

This is my first AIBU so please go gently...

I kept my maiden name when I got married. DS1 took DH's surname and I'd like to give DS2 my surname. DH was initially ok with this but is coming under pressure from his family to explain the decision.

I grew up with various step and half siblings so know from experience that having a different surname makes no difference to how you feel about your sibling but DH (who grew up in a traditional family set-up) is wary. He thinks it will cause problems for the boys but can't think of any specific scenarios.

We live in SE London and the schools have huge mixes of children so I think must be used to all sorts of families. I've also promised that should the boys find it a problem having different surnames when they're older then of course they can change them.

Neither of us have male siblings or cousins with the same surname so both of our surnames will end with us if we don't pass them on to our DSs. So we're equally attached to them.

We don't know anyone else personally who has given their children different surnames (which is making it harder for DH to sell to his family) but my take is that times are changing and this scenario will become more common as less women change their names upon marriage.

OTOH I have to register DS2 next week and don't want to railroad DH into something he's unhappy with. I also don't want to force my principles on the DSs.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 12:18

But isn't there already a them and us situation if I have a different surname? DSiS is in this situation (her DCs have her partners name) and she's under pressure from her kids to change her name as she's the odd one out. I thought I'd avoid this by balancing it out as it were. We're not planning on having any more children btw.

I don't want to be unfair to DH. I'm planning on showing him this thread (and deliberately posted in AIBU rather than Feminism) but I do feel quite strongly that it's unfair for him to have automatic naming rights over our DCs just because that's the way it's always been done.

Thanks to everyone that's posted, it's given us plenty of options and some food for thought

OP posts:
RubyLovesMayMay · 02/12/2011 12:29

I dont understand this whole "people will assume that they have different fathers/not his mum" business.

The children know who their parents are and you are a family unit so this doesnt apply to the OP, but if it did...

So what!

Is it some kind of scandal to have kids with different men? best not tell my Mum if it is

You shouldnt have to live life worrying about "what people will assume"

Make choices that you feel right for you and your family OP. Stuff what poeple think.

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 12:31

FWIW, people sometimes assumed my sister and I were the children of my father's previous marriage as he is white and our mother is Indian and both of us, particularly me, inherited his colouring not hers.

which is I suppose an argument for giving them both...Grin

dixiechick1975 · 02/12/2011 12:42

I'd think it was odd. You or your children may not always live in SE london. Your relatives may not live in more traditional parts of the country.

I know of someone who has done similar (also london based). Couple married. She uses her maiden name. Eldest has her surname, youngest a made up one. Seems bizarre and ill thought out for siblings a year or two apart. My mother 60 plus finds it even odder - every time she mentions them you know the ones where the children are called ...

Both same name be it double barrelled, your maiden name, your maiden as a middle name etc.

I use my maiden name at work but we are definitely the x family.

You may not care people thinking your second child is not DH's but he/the child/his family/your family will.

Secondtimelucky · 02/12/2011 12:52

RubylovesMayMay - I think the point that people are trying to make is that the idea of the assumption may well upset the OP's DH. It's perfectly within your rights as a parent to use whatever surname you like and not care what other people think. But equally it is also ok for a parent to care what people think. I think if it bothers OP or her DH then it is a valid worry.

MrsZuko - I totally agree about the 'automatic naming rights' thing, although it would probably have been an easier discussion at the time of DC1. Maybe a compromise could be one of the things suggested, like a whole family change to a new amalgamated, double barrelled or totally new name.

Original poster
MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 13:05

But all these assumptions of different parenthood are surely cleared up with a simple Q&A session aren't they? Lots of people assume I've got the same name as DH but I explain that I kept my maiden name and that's the end of it. I was going to tell the DSs when they're older that they have different names because they carry on both sides of our family which are equally important. It certainly doesn't mean they "belong" to one side or the other.

My mother thinks I'm being ridiculous but she was equally horrified when I kept my maiden name on marriage so I'm discounting her opinions. Same goes for DH's family. My Dad on the other hand is delighted.

The only opinion I'm bothered about is DH's and his main issue is that as brothers they'll have different surnames (he admits that he wouldn't have had such an issue if we'd had a boy and a girl). I have said that if it bothers him that much we can always give them both my surname :o

OP posts:
Secondtimelucky · 02/12/2011 13:11

That would indeed be one solution!

The confusion is cleared up for those who know you well enough to ask. However, to some people, it would be upsetting that people who wouldn't ask (like, say, other parents at the school) would assume. It's not right to assume, and some people would take the view you shouldn't care what people think. But it is a genuine feeling some people have about naming.

It sounds like your DH's main concern is that the boys won't match. I kind of see where he is coming from on that one, so maybe you sit down and run through the list of options for matching names, making it clear that 'DH's surname for both' is not an option on the table. He could go with both your surname, or something else he feels more comfortable with and you agree. Is there really no way you could double barrel?

dixiechick1975 · 02/12/2011 13:25

Your name for both seems sensible solution.

Personally I couldn't be bothered with Q&A session. eg you ask to pop your youngest on the swim lesson waiting list - woman assumes same surname, you notice when he proudly gets the ducking certificate - have to give it back to be corrected DS 2 in floods of tears he hasn't got a certificate, DS 1 says why have we got different names - all whist stood in the public foyer at the pool on a cold November night when you've just worked 8 hours.

The nativity programme at school - Ds 1's friend read it and ask him why his brother is called x, teasing follows. Next day a nosy mother loudly says to you in the playground oh i didn't realise the boys were half brothers does DS2 see his father?

My DD has a noticeable disability - some days I just can't be bothered to explain/deal with comments.

RubyLovesMayMay · 02/12/2011 13:27

I get what you're saying Secondtimelucky absolutely, but he knows they're his children and if he lets people know these are his kids, thats all anyone needs to know.

As Mrs Zuko says, it can be cleared up with a quick q&a session surely?

Im not sure about the kids names matching thing so I'll keep out of that Smile

wahwahwah · 02/12/2011 13:27

When I saw the title I thought it meant as a first name! Is this an option? Or maybe a double-barrell? It may be hard to explain to the children when they are older.

fuzzynavel · 02/12/2011 13:31

Not sure on this one.

I'd keep them the same due to them always being questioned about it. Much more simple.

As I split up with ex very early in my DS's life I chose to have a doubled barrelled surname so he has both names - sounds right posh too Grin

What about changing them both to a double barrelled?

FredFredGeorge · 02/12/2011 13:35

wahwahwah seriously how would it be hard? You've got my last name, and your brother has got dads, how complicated is that to understand for even a kid? There are a lot more complicated families around - yes that's your brother, but he was brought up by grandad...

It should be purely about what the OP and DH wants, and it's really not important what noisy harridans at school might say.

wahwahwah · 02/12/2011 13:44

You know how kids are 'mum, how come he get your name and I didn't?' I can just imagine the interrogation from DS. I already get it from him because I don't use my married name! My friend used to get interrogated going through customs with her son as he had a different surname. It didn't go down too well when she told immigration one time that she had actually stolen him. Surnames can be a pain.

It is definitely a choice that only the OP can make and not be swayed or bullied by family and friends.

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 13:50

Not something I would do - they are full siblings their names I think should reflect that I think.

Original poster
MrsZuko · 02/12/2011 14:02

Either of our surnames as a first name isn't an option, nor is double-barrelling. I'd rather they both had DH's surname than double-barrel them, our surname combination is really, really awful and I'm fairly sure would guarantee ridicule at school. I've promised DH that I will deal with all the nosy/curious questions including fielding the fallout from his family.

I already have the customs issue with DS1 but accept that as the price for not changing my name and it's no big deal.

Of course I'm expecting the DSs to ask lots of questions when they get older but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My parents are divorced and both re-married so I'm sure I'll have to explain why they have 6 grandparents and not the more usual 4 at some point in the future but that's just how things are. It's not the norm but that doesn't mean they'll suffer for it.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 02/12/2011 14:08

You mentioned ridicule at school - IMO kids will pick up on this at school and say things like "you're not real siblings" "you've got different dads" and a lot worse when they get older - now if it were true it wouldn't be hurtful but I really think it would be for them and I think they would get flack about it at school - it's not right and people should mind their own but the worlds not perfect and I can even imagine the mums joining in " somethings not right with them at number 7 you know, different names same dad they recon, all very odd".

Don't want to be harsh and if you're not bothered then it's obviously up to you but I would have hated my DB being another name even though he is my full brother.

Also I think people will just not get it and you will all spend you're life retailing the story.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/12/2011 14:20

I kept my name when I married and gave ds1 and ds2 my surname as one of their middle names on their birth certificates and DH name as surname so they have all but without the hyphen which would not have worked.

HughBastard · 02/12/2011 14:27

What does DS1 think?

I ask because dh and I have different surnames, and5yo dd feels very strongly that she wants to have the same surname as the new baby arriving shortly.

minimisschief · 02/12/2011 14:44

I agree with the person who says it should be one family name

Blu · 02/12/2011 14:52

I'd give both DC a hyphenated name. - just start calling DC1 by the hyphenated version and give that name to DC2
My DC has a 5 syllable hyphenated name and it causes no problems whatsoever. And he loves knowing that he has each of our names.

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 14:58

Actually thinking about it both Inferiorettes have ten syllable names...AND an umlaut. And five consecutive consonants in one of their surnames

Blu · 02/12/2011 15:00
teatimesthree · 02/12/2011 15:05

YANBU. Can't believe some of the conservatism on this thread. We also have an 'unusual surname solution' as somebody put it upthread, and it is absolutely fine.

All this 'one family name' business basically goes back to the days when women were men's property. I can't be doing with that at all.

fragola · 02/12/2011 15:07

I kept my maiden name when I married. It's an unusual name and I did feel a bit sad that it won't be carried on, so we used it as a middle name for both our dc too. Seems like a good compromise!

Bue · 02/12/2011 15:14

When I was a teenager I babysat a family that had done it this way. At the time I thought it was very odd since I had never come across it before (actually, I don't think I've come across it since!) but it worked just fine for them. I actually suggested this to DH as an option but he was vehemently against - he prefers hyphenation, though we'll probably just go with my name as second middle name since I don't love the combo our names make.

Oh I do love a good surname dilemma...