To give DS2 my surname?

[MrsZuko]

This is my first AIBU so please go gently...

I kept my maiden name when I got married. DS1 took DH's surname and I'd like to give DS2 my surname. DH was initially ok with this but is coming under pressure from his family to explain the decision.

I grew up with various step and half siblings so know from experience that having a different surname makes no difference to how you feel about your sibling but DH (who grew up in a traditional family set-up) is wary. He thinks it will cause problems for the boys but can't think of any specific scenarios.

We live in SE London and the schools have huge mixes of children so I think must be used to all sorts of families. I've also promised that should the boys find it a problem having different surnames when they're older then of course they can change them.

Neither of us have male siblings or cousins with the same surname so both of our surnames will end with us if we don't pass them on to our DSs. So we're equally attached to them.

We don't know anyone else personally who has given their children different surnames (which is making it harder for DH to sell to his family) but my take is that times are changing and this scenario will become more common as less women change their names upon marriage.

OTOH I have to register DS2 next week and don't want to railroad DH into something he's unhappy with. I also don't want to force my principles on the DSs.

So, AIBU?

Oooh, rubs hands, one of my favourite subjects (and good to see you here too, MI!)

My surname and DH's surname is uncombineable. In fact people laugh and say "ooh, you couldn't mix those could you". The dc have his name, just because we had to choose one, and the name continues through my generation on my side of the family, but there is no chance of it doing so on dh's side of the family.

My dc are partial to a good whinge about any perceived unfairness whatsoever, and I have to say it has never crossed their mind that this is available ground. A huge number of their friends have different surnames to one parent, due to a combination of "professional" mothers, different cultural norms (the biggest category, interestingly) and remarriage/step families. No one turns a hair. The school are entirely happy with calling me Ms Bip and the dcs Miss and Master Annoying-Worm and make the connection that we are related.

Am genuinely amazed at people who say "Your surname should be your family name, and I cannot understand why people want to have different names when they are part of one family unit" and that they won't live in SE London all their life. I suppose my counter argument would be (and I don't live in SE London) that I'm happy to tell my dcs they are trail blazers against the tyranny of patriachal naming traditions (slightly ignoring the fact that as a technicality they do have their father's surname) LOL.

I agree Sonorous.

I'm also surprised at the number of posters who think the DC will find it hard to understand/be troubled by anything that is outside the norm. I remember asking my mum why she didn't have the same surname as my dad - she said "because neither of us changed our surname when we got married" and that was a perfectly good explanation as far as I was concerned. I never had any issues with it whatsoever. I remember the odd person at school saying "so are your parents divorced then" - it didn't trouble me that they were making a wrong assumption, I just said "no, they just have different names".

Out of 29 kids in DS's class (inner city S London) 8 have hyphenated surnames, and of those that do not I know of at least 6 that have different surnames from one or both parents, the mother's name, different names from siblings - it's all perfectly straightforward and none of the combinations of names seems to cause an issue.

My dd-i-l kept her surname when she married and both of the dc have that name as a middle name [not hyphenated].
I dont really understand why a woman-who has her father's surname should be reluctant to take her husband's where at least there is some choice .I am not Mrs xxxx I am me[first name].

Because, Pranma, we might not be responsible for our mothers' choices but we are responsible for our own. And frankly, dislike my father as I do, I really do not see why I would want to swap my own name - which I have had, now, for 48 years - for that of DP's father.

I think YANBU all. My mum's family are from the Hyderabad Deccan where it's common to give girls different last names based on their time of birth and star charts etc. My mum and two aunts all have different last names but share both parents. I have two half sisters who had a different last name when we were growing up (they've since changed back to our dad's last name) and we never thought anything of it. If other kids were ever mean about it DSis and I would just laugh because a name doesn't make us sisters! Love makes us sisters (my mum's line ).

Also in today's fast-paced society it gets v difficult if you are one of the one in three marriages which separate, of course.

YANBU at all. Everyone else who isn't the childs parent can butt right out. I think its egalitarian and correct.

My mother went mildly catbumsmouth when my dc were given a differnt surname to mine because she was horrified that people might think I wasn't married. Fortunately that was sorted by brother actually having a son while not married, so I slipped down the horror list a bit.

See now I have 2 DS who each have different fathers. However both DSs have my surname.

I am constantly dropping into conversation that they have different fathers, as DS1 dad is a proper twit whereas DS2 has contact with his dad.

Doesnt help that they both look alike aswell ... sigh

I think its a situation where you have to do whats right for your family and not worry what other people think.

SecondTimeLucky

May I ask why you took your husband's surname? Why didn't he take yours? Some of my friends asked me why I didn't change my name on marriage and my riposte was to ask why did you change yours? One of my 'friends' was rude enough to address correspondence to Mr and Mrs NotMabelLucyAttwell, after being told at least twice that my name remained the same upon marriage. I will never forget that.

As for children's names, They are your and your husband's children so what you name them is no one else's business. Once a surname is o the birth certificate, it cannot be changed except by marriage or being adopted (as far as I know).

Giving a child the mother's surname makes complete sense, given MI's point about the number of marriages that break down, and while children generally stay with a single mother rather than a single father.

Mabel, I've had lots of letters addressed to MrsHisname by friends who know I haven't changed my name. I don't think they are rude, just forgetful (and it's usually christmas cards or invitations where they are clearly doing a stack of "Mr & Mrs X" envelopes so can see why we end up the same).

SB, a friend's mum asked her catsbumouthily what the doctor had said when she went in not wearing a ring. In Kilburn, in 1997. Friend pointed out that it was not high on GP's list of priorities.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You are being thoughtful and sophistocated!

Minciepie

Oh, she did not forget. I know her. She did it on purpose in an indirect way to get me to change my name to what she thought it ought to be or to tell me off because she thought that DH was hurt (as if we had not discussed it). It's only since my DH died that she now writes to Mrs Mabel... Everything before his death was addressed to Mr and Mrs NotMabel...

Gosh, how very passive aggressive of her. I've heard of MILs doing this (on purpose) but never friends. Does she also think you should cook his dinner and fetch his slippers when he comes in from work ?

MabelLucy - For a lot of reasons.

To me, it was massively important that, in the future when we had children, we would all share the same name. To me, I don't really feel that a name is so much a recognition of my parental family or a link to the past, but a badge of belonging amongst myself and my nuclear family. It may be terribly old fashioned, but to me it mattered deeply that our names were the same. I liked sharing a name with DH, but it really mattered for once we had kids.

Why did I take his name and not both hyphenate, or take a new name, or whatever? Lack of inclination I guess. I didn't feel any particular affinity with my maiden surname, and as someone with an unusual forename my identity had always been more shaped by that. I did think about the other options but, TBH, I didn't have the urge to make a massive effort to do something unusual when there was an easy option which accomplished exactly what I wanted it to. I may have felt differently if DH's surname was Crapper or something.

Does that help?