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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS that he can't go to this birthday party?

68 replies

IWannaBeTheMinority · 02/12/2011 08:17

Ages ago DS (12) was invited to a birthday party. The party is tonight at a rugby club. DS plays no sports, has no interest in rugby and as far as I know doesn't get on with most of the lads going.

For ages he said he didn't want to go and now all of a sudden he does. I've had another proper look at it and the venue is at the other end of the city (it will take ages to get there) and doesn't finish until 10pm. That means we won't get home until gone 11pm. It starts at 7pm.

Apart from anything else, it will take up a hell of a lot of petrol that I can't afford to replace and it means I'm going to have to faff about buying a last minute birthday present - bearing in mind I'm at work today so god know when I'll find the time to do that.

AIBU to tell him he just can't go? if we didn't have a car there's no way he could get there anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
IWannaBeTheMinority · 02/12/2011 08:18

Oh and I wouldn't be able to stay during the party so that's 4 trips there and back altogether.

OP posts:
upahill · 02/12/2011 08:22

Well I am a bit of a softie and would have found away of getting him there and putting myself out if he really wanted to go tbh.

I would have moaned in my head about it though.

GiserableMitt · 02/12/2011 08:22

I would just say no. I would tell him that he had the chance to go and said he didn't want to so you've arranged your time based on him wanting to go.

valiumredhead · 02/12/2011 08:23

Just say no then.

DuchessofMalfi · 02/12/2011 08:28

Is there anyone near you he can get a lift with?

OldBagWantsNewBag · 02/12/2011 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2011 08:29

I would try to find out why he now wants to go. Both girls and his peer group are going to become increasingly important to him.

Could you not make the compromise by cutting down on his spending money, if he does go, to pay for the petrol?

A gift voucher or money is probably better for this age group, than a present. Most supermarkets do various gift vouchers, including cinema vouchers etc.

Trifle · 02/12/2011 08:47

I presume you've had the invite for some time and have already responded saying no. It would be extremely bad form to suddenly change your mind on the night of the party.

MabelLucyAttwell · 02/12/2011 09:14

Trifle

Yes, it would be bad manners to change a mind so late. Suippose the party includes a sit down meal with name cards. There would be no place for your DS and even if it isn't a sit down meal (which is probably isn't), numbers are still needed for catering and party bags. I'm out of touch so must ask: do 12 year olds have party bags?

mrsjay · 02/12/2011 09:17

he did chop and change his mind I think i would say no you had your chance its to late now , OR maybe see if there is somebody to share lifts with so he could go , hes probably not wanting to be left out , Its difficult to say no sometimes but if you are struggiling for petrol then i would say no to him ,

Original poster
IWannaBeTheMinority · 02/12/2011 09:17

I think it's basically a hired hall with a buffet on and music.

I do feel a bit guilty but I have a younger DS to think about plus I'd promised them take-away tonight which I won't be able to do if I have to take him to the party

OP posts:
Theas18 · 02/12/2011 09:28

Sounds as if he's been plucking up his courage to go. If I had a non sporty son who has decided he does want to try to mix with the sporty "in " crowd I'd be there in a flash supporting him. OK if it's not a safe situation I'd put my foot down and say no, but this is a buffet and disco in a hall (the rugby club is irrelevent- it's just a cheap venue). There are times as a teen/tween that "my mum says no" is the right way forward (and the other mums will thank you if it's a daft plan and they 're looking for a way out too) but there are times when "my mum says no" is very un cool indeed.

Ask him why he want to go now and support him if it's really what he wants to do.

LizzieMo · 02/12/2011 09:33

Agree with Theas. It may be a confidence thing. Perhaps he felt nervous at the beginning and said no, but now has found other children who he knows are going and it makes him feel better about it and so he wants to go. I would try and find some way to arrange it if I could. At his age new friendships are probably emerging and I would want to facilitate that .

Jinsel · 02/12/2011 09:35

Is he in Yr7? If so I'd definitely take him as parties in this year are very important socially. You may want to think very hard about him attending parties in the years to come as they stop being little children very quickly so these early parties are important.

And no. 12 year olds don't have party bags and very rarely do they expect presents although a voucher or cash always goes down well.

startail · 02/12/2011 10:06

Absolutely ask why he's changed his mind.
If he has a very good reason let him go.
Making friends at that age is very important - I know the taxi providing is wearing and expensive.
Rugby club as a venue may not mean anyone going is very sporty, they just tend to have good cheap to hire halls with car parks. We had our 100 years of Guiding celebration at ours.

mumeeee · 02/12/2011 10:20

I would let him go.

upahill · 02/12/2011 13:04

The party and pictures will probably be all over facebook ( I know, I know you are supposed to be 13!!)

It would be awful if your son really wanted to go and couldn't and everyone is going on about what a great time they had.

I have just accepted my fate as a mum of teenagers that I am mainly there to facilitate their social lives!!! (grin)

Try your best to get him ghere if you can.
I know you said you couldn't stay and it would involve 4 trips but couldn't you and younger DS go and have a pub meal near the venue (or a Chinese!) to kill time? Maybe DS1 comes home a wee bit sooner and that has been a compromise for everyone maybe?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 02/12/2011 13:09

Tell him it's too late and in future he can decide things with sufficient notice. If you pander to him and put everyone out so he can have his own way he'll never learn to consider other people and will just expect everything to revolve around him all the time.
(There's always the possibility he's being set up too, if he doesn't actually like/get on with/hang about with the others, and all of a sudden he's all agog to go. I'd be a bit suspicious I think)

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 02/12/2011 13:13

I'm a bit of a softy so I'd try and take him as I'd presume there's a reason he now wants to go. I'd definately tell him he owes me a favour though!

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 02/12/2011 13:21

I'd take my yr 7 son if he changed his mind. In life you are allowed to change your mind, so if I could help him, I would.

lljkk · 02/12/2011 13:34

There's no way he could get a lift home with someone else?

upahill · 02/12/2011 13:40

If you pander to him and put everyone out so he can have his own way he'll never learn to consider other people and will just expect everything to revolve around him all the time.

This would be true if he did this all the time and not on the odd occasion.
If your mum can't back you up and go out of her way once in a while it's a poor do tbh.
If he pulled this trick every social event I would be pissed off but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

(says me who had a 40 mile journey last night (each way) and had to sit in a dingy pub for 3 1/2 hours next to the Apollo in Manchester last night. Howevet it was worth it when DS and mate came in.DS was bouncing and it was the best gig he had ever been to blah blah blah, Thanks mum, love you and then hugs!!

(told you up post I was soft!! and it was all over face book this morning!)

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 13:44

YABU...he is 12 and they change like the wind. I dont have a car at all and get buses to make sure my DC socialise.

Tomorrow I have scrounged a lift to take my 3 year old 10 miles to a party. YABU! Stick a fiver in a card...thats your present. Kids love money.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 13:46

Agree about the confidence thing...he was probably shyer and knew less people when first asked.

HeadfirstForHalos · 02/12/2011 13:50

I'd take him too, though I would have a good moan at him Xmas Grin

A fiver in a card would be fine too.

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