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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My child's not perfect.

83 replies

CarolCervix · 30/11/2011 21:51

Series of documentaries coming up on ITV next week.

surely no bloody children are perfect. does this mean children with additional needs are less perfect than others?

I have no idea if the series is any good but I think the name is really really shit.

AIBU and irrationaly

OP posts:

winterfox · 07/12/2011 09:18

i watched the programme and i found it utterly fascinating, title didn't really bother me

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:20

Fascinating in what way winterfox?

Just curious, because it's the 'fascination' element of difficulties other people have in their lives (Baby Hospital and the like) that makes me feel really uncomfortable.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 07/12/2011 09:43

I didn't watch the programme but I have seen the trailer and I took the title to be a reference to the fact that some people expect all children, special needs or not, to be not just perfect but "stepford perfect" in every way. And no child is and it's wrong to expect them to be.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:44

If that's the case, why the focus on SN then?

pictish · 07/12/2011 09:47

So...other than complaining about the title, did anyone actually watch it?

Blu · 07/12/2011 10:03

Yes, I saw the second half of it, and loved the work that was being done with the child with selective mutism.
What struck me was the strength and clarity of the mother's love, the positive approach they all took to supporting their children. I felt a bit anxious about the boy with Tourettes having all that done to his jaw on v little evidence but (as the mother of a child with a non-standard leg, undergoing progressive surgery to improve it) I generally feel uncomfortable about doing things to children, treating thier minds or bodies as a problem, and adjusting them to fit. Surely a sophisticated civilisation should be able to embrace a level of differnce like Tourettes. And perhaps the answer - a sophisticated civilsed society could.

Our society is not perfect!

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 10:07

No. Programmes like that are exploitative and voyeuristic and I have no interest in them.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 10:09

Just to clarify - because it takes people who are vulnerable - sick children, disabled children, babies dying in hospitals and they sell such programmes to them as 'raising awareness' when in reality it just gives people like my mum an opportunity to feel good about herself for pitying them, gossip about them and treat it as unimportantly as a storyline off Coronation Street.

I actually feel quite strongly about this sort of programming!

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 10:10

People who've fallen down mountainsides, been in car accidents, been impaled on a metal pole when their car skidded on ice....

pictish · 07/12/2011 10:11

So you're a no Folkgirl....anyone else?

Blu · 07/12/2011 10:13

Do you think that of all documentary programmes, FolkGirl? I don't think they are more voyeuristic than any others that look closely at real lives. I am not satisfied with the etchics of it - that little girl with selective muitsm was apprantly being filmed in secret, and i wonder what effeect it has when she knows she has been looked at by the nation, without being asked. The boy with Tourettes would be old enought to object or refuse to take part - or otherwise agree.

But I think that these programmes, if well done, raise awareness and make people uderstand - although that may be over-optimistic.

I think programmes where people are set up to look ridiculous or extreme, like Wife Swap, that involve children, are far more voyeuristic. I don't see that any form of disability / special need should be off limits per se any mofre than any other aspect of life / the human condition.

pictish · 07/12/2011 10:15

I thought it was ok. QI.

The families seemed happy to talk about the difficulties they'd faced, without the editing being gratuitous or sensationalist. It was gentle programme really...not groundbreaking, but nicely dealt with.

Blu · 07/12/2011 10:15

FolkGirl - cross-posted.

It wasn't mawkish, though, or pitying. IMO.
I do think there is truth in what you say.
I hate the whole 'sponsor a poor child in Africa' campaigns because I think they are exploitative and set the child subject up exactly for your mother et al to respond to.

But last night's programme was pretty matter of fact. The half I saw, anyway.

NinkyNonker · 07/12/2011 10:21

Damn, meant to watch this. Glad it has started well.

Dd has no additional needs, but bloody hell, even if she did she would still be perfect to me and her dad...the thought of thinking otherwise is really sad.

corygal · 07/12/2011 10:29

The show showed me how hard it was for the parents - seeing their conflicting emotions towards their children as well as the way they battled for help was eye-watering.

I really wouldn't change places with some of the mothers, particularly the poor woman who was desperately trying to get her - flamboyantly autistic - son help, in the face of non-diagnosis from every corner. I dread to think what that poor family must have been through for years - he was 10 when he finally got medical input.

Sevenfold · 07/12/2011 10:33

I 'm with folkgirl, I bet no one asked the children if they wanted to be called not perfect on tv and have everyone seeing them

cestlavielife · 07/12/2011 11:34

the whole angle i think was these kids "look" "normal" but arent. from the parents point of view...

the boy adam HAD had medical input; he been to many specialists but they had all failed to recognize the obvious fact he fitted the triad of ASD impairments (particularly lack of imagination/theory of mind etc) perfectly. the angle of them being rich and yet still having an "imperfect" child was strange. but as the mum said - no amount of money was going to offer a straight "cure". (which seemed to surprise her friends..). however if they now throw money at appropriate schooling/behavioural input that should help..

next week promises stammering bulimia and adhd
www.itv.com/presscentre/mychildsnotperfect/ep02week50/default.html

pranma · 07/12/2011 12:26

I watched it and found it interesting and informative.I felt that the families were all very willing participants and all the children were lovely.I was particularly impressed with the treatment of the little girl with electve mutism and was very moved by the gradual resolution [partial] of her problem.
The boy with Tourette's was great an intelligent and likeable boy with a caring family and good friends[mum's brain tumour comment was a bit off but she cant be slammed for it-she didn't mean she wished he had a malignant bt just that she wished he was treatable'curable].
Adam was lucky to be born into a loving home with people striving to give him the best life possible.
I didnt feel 'voyeuristic' watcing this.

monkeyLFDTwench · 07/12/2011 13:07

folkgirl I see your point and agree to an extent, I can't watch baby hospital type stuff (bit too close to home for us sadly) and the like, BUT I did love watching Born Different on C4 (a good example IMO of a great title and a great programme).

It gave me an insight into how other families cope with serious disabilities, and I don't ever think it felt mawkish or exploitative, or expected us to pity the parents. What came through was the love that the parents felt for this beautiful children - I felt like I got to know them.

Before ds1 was born we were told that he had a 50% chance of being severely brain damaged (and would never leave hospital), then after he was born we were told there was a strong chance he had achondroplasia (he didn't). I used to watch the little boy on that programme called Hamish and see the child, not the condition - probably for the first time ever, if I'm honest. For that reason I think there IS a place for programmes like this (just maybe better ones or better titled ones .....).

Blu · 07/12/2011 13:38

I think Born To Be Different is good too. Partly because it is sustained and you get to know the child, not the condition - as far as you can know anything or anyone in an edited documentary, and partly because the editorial direction seems ti be to make sure the families are portrayed on thier own terms There was a thread on here nce in which a couple of the families posted, and they were all happy with the programme. They follow the families rather than setting out to prove or demonstrate something and then using the kids and families to corroborate the overall drive of the programme.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 13:59

My DD was born prematurely. Not remarkably so, just 5 weeks but we nearly lost her and she was small. We were put into a room surrounded by posters and literature showing us how our child could succeed even if she did turn out to have one of the many complications that can arise from being born prem. She fortunately only spent 2 weeks in SCBU - once she was out she was fine, it was me that was the problem evidently! .

Had a TV company approached us at that point and asked to follow our story to be edited that into a TV show with a sympathetic voice over I'd have told them to FO. However, some people might have been more vulnerable than me, their child might have been more severely affected than mine, not thinking straight and, therefore, not able to give true informed consent.

The idea of 'secret filming' of a child is abhorrent. Even the teenage boy with tourette's is not old enough to give 'informed consent'.

I wouldn't want to offend anyone on here be suggesting that they watch the programmes for the reasons I don't like them. I just can't bear the thought of parents exposing their children on TV to be repeated on ITV3 ad infinitum believing they were doing it for one reason, but for some people to be sitting at home still passing judgement on them, laughing at them, talking about them with their friends over coffee the following day. It just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I haven't seen Born Different so I can't comment on that.

winterfox · 07/12/2011 14:03

i found is fascinating as i went through similar things with my ds, i could understand how the parents on the programme felt helpless and maybe let down by the system, maybe the programme was the last resort?

I didn't find it exploitative at all, maybe the title wasn't great but the programme was.

monkeyLFDTwench · 07/12/2011 14:07

Sorry yes Blu is correct it's called Born To Be Different, not Born Different.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 14:11

Perhaps then there is a place for these programmes for families who are experiencing similar situations to see others with shared experiences. Especially if these families are further down the line of diagnosis/treatment.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 07/12/2011 18:01

Folkgirl - I imagine because some people still don't 'believe' in SN and the children are wrongly written of as naughty and parents who have a child with SN are often wrongly written of as bad parents.

This is a way of saying "My child is not perfect...but listen to me while I tell you why and maybe you will understand that not perfect doesn't mean bad."

Which is far too long for TV title but was the impression I got from it.

As I said, I didn't watch it, so I may well be wrong. I was just saying that's how it struck me when I saw the trailer.

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