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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you only share your financial information with family, very close friends and your bank?

26 replies

soandsosmummy · 30/11/2011 19:25

Oh and the whole of Mumsnet Grin

And you don't as someone did to me this morning start talking about them a random mum (i.e. me)you only met at the start of this term and only ever see in the playground. I didn't know what to say as this woman suddenly launched into telling me about her catalogue debts, her maxed out credit cards and the fact she'd already spent most of her salary paying interest. I really didn't know what to say, I made sympathetic noises and even suggested she contact the CCCS to get help.

All because I jokingly asked her how her Christmas plans were going

I should be more sympathetic shouldn't I? I've got time tomorrow shall I offer to take her for a quick coffee after drop off?

OP posts:
MabelLucyAttwell · 30/11/2011 19:27

Could she have been working up to asking you to lend her some money?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/11/2011 19:29

I would steer well clear. She'll be asking you for a loan next, or giving you some sob story and wanting something from you.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 30/11/2011 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoVeggiesBeforeSkeggies · 30/11/2011 19:32

I wonder if she maybe just needed to get it off her chest.

Perhaps she feels better having offloaded to someone?

carabos · 30/11/2011 19:51

We had a woman like that at our sports club. It was very embarrassing. Thankfully she's left now. Way TMI.

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2011 19:52

She might be under incredible stress and need someone who's not involved to point her in the right direction.

Adversecamber · 30/11/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nailak · 30/11/2011 19:54

In some cultures it is normal, round here people will happily divulge financial details like how much rent they pay etc

Esta3GG · 30/11/2011 19:57

Some people are just more open than others about stuff in their lives - it doesn't mean they are on the cadge for a loan.
It truly astonishes me what some people consider to be "embarrassing"!

Naoko · 30/11/2011 19:59

Sounds like it was on her mind and you unwittingly gave her an opening to offload it. She's probably very worried about it all, understandably so if that's her situation! I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she wanted to borrow money (although if she did ask I'd say no, there's only a very short list of people I'd ever lend money to), just that she had a need to talk. Glad you were sympathetic, and you never know, maybe just the fact that you listened to her for a bit made her feel a little better.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 30/11/2011 20:05

How naive am I? It never crossed my mind she was after my money. To be honest she just seemed to be a very stressed person facing christmas with big financial difficulties. If I can help her with advice I will . She said she recently missed a couple of payments on a catalogue and they've added huge charges as well as interest

OP posts:
Firawla · 30/11/2011 20:09

same as nailak i wouldn't find it that weird personally! nor would i presume they will ask for a loan, they may be just offloading it can even be considered as small talk and chit chat its not top secret?

teatimesthree · 30/11/2011 20:14

Perhaps she has been bottling it all up and has made a resolution to get it out in the open, and be frank with people about it? And is maybe going a bit over the top as a consequence?

gamerwidow · 30/11/2011 20:14

If she's unable to keep up the payments then she is probably anxious about the debt and was grateful for the chance to unload. I wouldn't read anything more sinister into it. Some people are open about everything and some people (like me) keep themselves to themselves.

Smadarama · 30/11/2011 20:17

I would guess she was offloading. It wouldn't occur to me she was hinting at a loan. People often offload inappropriately when they're stressed. She might even feel embarrassed that she did idid you did the right thing suggesting she get advice and support.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 30/11/2011 20:23

I've never really had much to do with her. Her dd was not in reception and started at this school a couple of weeks into term which is unusual though obviously not unheard of. Her dd was invited to dd's birthday party but didn't come or respond. She seems lovely just really worried about her situation. Think I will ask her out for a coffee tomorrow - my treat (hope she wont mind cheap greasy spoon type please)

Don't worry wont be making any loans (I don't think I can anyway)

OP posts:
ll31 · 30/11/2011 20:29

dont think there's anything unusual about that to be honest - wouldn't have crossed my mind that she was working up to asking for loan - - in my experience mothers in school yards conversations range v widely!!!

TotemPole · 30/11/2011 20:33

Advising her to contact the CCCS( or Payplan) is the best help you could have given her. Maybe you could put the phone numbers/URLs in your phone and give them to her tomorrow over coffee.

I don't think she is working up to asking for a loan, just off loading her worries.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 14/12/2011 17:32

Update on this thread.

I did take her out for a couple of coffees twice and she told me more. I've helped her get in touch with CCCS and to write letters to all her creditors enclosing her budget and offering token monthly payments until CCCS have had a proper chance to go through everything.

As I suspected she's lovely but had a really bad time whih has more to do with her bastard ex than her debts.

OP posts:
LovingChristmas · 14/12/2011 17:36

How lovely sosandso - You've probably lifted a great worry from her mind by just being there and being organised in the letter writing department etc. I hope you have made a new friend through it, you did say she sounded lovely!

You've probably helped make someones Xmas brighter :)

aldiwhore · 14/12/2011 17:36

I think regardless of the subject sometimes people need to vent it to a stranger/non-close-personal-friend.

I've had one random Dad telling me the ins and outs of his latest VAT bill and how he's unable to pay right now but will after Christmas (pub trade). A woman telling me about the boils she gets on her vagina, another telling me about an affair she had years ago (her husband was standing 8 ft away) I just. Don't. Get. It.

Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't tell all to my husband later on over wine...

Grumpla · 14/12/2011 17:40

Good for you soandso ! It sounds like she's had a rough time and you have been a great help to her.

There is a line to tread between naiveté / being taken advantage of and kindness and I think you've found the right path. Makes me feel like being a little less cynical myself.

anneatkins · 14/12/2011 17:44

as Naoko said: Maybe she was just overloaded with it and was sort of venting?

I personally would not vent about that to anyone, lest they "worry" about us unduly, but I can sort of see where she's coming from in terms of having to give voice to those thoughts to relieve tension.

Original poster
soandsosmummy · 14/12/2011 18:51

aldiwhore - I think if someone started telling me about the boils on their vagina I'd just walk away. Money problems fade into insignificance beside that

OP posts:
michglas · 14/12/2011 18:56

Really good for you soandso. She probably wanted to unload, and when you asked her about Christmas preparations, she probably doesn't have many to make due to debts and was just relieved to be able to tell someone. CCCS is the best advice you can give someone in that situation. She will find that many of her creditors will freeze the interest - catalogues are good at doing that, and she may have to fight a little harder with credit card companies but CCCS will help with that.