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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP i am not sure if i wanna marry him??

59 replies

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:13

So some back story, i have been living with DP for the last 4 years (been together for 7), i have a car and do all the driving. He has not got a license.

I've just had a huge row with DP, and i really can't stand to look at him right now which is why he is in the living room watching tv (after he told me, why do you get to watch tv) and i am in the bedroom on the laptop watching iplayer and MNing.

So on the way home from shopping DP tells me he's not going to try and pass his test anymore (he was learning a few months ago and has failed two test, but due to eye problems hasn't and can't drive until they are resolved). I probably went the wrong way and said to him that he was to, and they he wasn't going to throw away £500 just cause he can't be bothered to try.

So he says its probably more than that [argh]

So i get really cross and shout back saying that i don't want to be the only person driving, it would be really nice if he could drive to just for general easyness in life. But he is adament then he won't drive. So i say i really don't want to get married if i have to cart you round for the rest of my life. He says fine lets not get married.

The argument escalates with him refusing and me not backing down, we get into the flat and it gets petty, we start pissing each other off, i almost leave he doesn't care.

We really aren't speaking to each other now!!

I really just want him to pass his test, aibu to expect him to try and pass it??

OP posts:

CailinDana · 30/11/2011 19:16

I think most people would say YABU but I actually had the same problem with my DH and I nagged him solidly for 6 years until he passed his test earlier this year. He's a great driver now and actually quite enjoys it. IMO if one person doesn't want to drive then the other shouldn't be expected to drive them anywhere. Also, I said to DH that there was no way I was having a baby if he couldn't drive me to the hospital while in labour. That's what swayed him in the end I think.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/11/2011 19:19

grow up
My friend's DH has a degenerative eye condition that means that he will eventually be completely blind for the rest of his life. He can no longer drive, or walk anywhere he's never been before without a guide or white stick, and he was a very fit active person and even served in the forces before this all happened.
Just maybe your DP is terrified that this is what's happening to him (or knows something he hasn't told you yet - has he been to the doctor recently?) and could use a bit of sympathy and understanding. Maybe he's frightened he will crash and hurt/kill someone else, let alone you or himself. He might just care more than he has ever cared about anything in the world and be terrified that you are actually going to leave, but not dare say anything for fear of "opening the floodgates" so to speak, pouring his heart out, then you walk out anyway and leave him in pieces.
One of you needs to start behaving like a grown up, then hopefully the other will do so to.
Presumably it is his money anyway? or at least some of it is his, or is he out of work? If every penny of the driving lesson money was earned by you, you have a small point to be peeved that it will be wasted, but if not, yabu.

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:23

The thing is he wanted to drive, he always moaned that he never got a chance as a teen e.t.c

He is always asking for lifts (but then says i shouldn't give them to him later on), i obviously drive us to the shops and stuff i do the lion share of dropping things off to the post office/box, nipping to the shops for bread e.t.c I've driving him to a&e five times in the last month {argh}

He likes to pass things first time, he passed his theory really quickly, and after a few months was test ready, he is so stubborn. He says he just doesn't want to waste any more money, but seriously what a massive waste of money its been if he doesn't pass!!

I really can't face driving up North again with him sleeping in the passenger seat!!

I just want him to try!!

OP posts:

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:27

POMBEAR
Well the eye thing is a scratch on his eye, i have been at every appointment with him, i was there when it happened and took him to a&e. Its healed just has some extra issues, he wouldn't hide anything like that from me.

Its not that he is scared to drive he actually just doesn't want to!!

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 30/11/2011 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 19:39

It can get to be a very touchy subject, in our house I couldn't even mention the words 'driving test' without my husband exploding at one point, as he failed so spectacularly the first time and just didn't get it.

One suggestion: automatic licence. My husband only has this and now I have used an automatic, I love them too. It's much easier for someone who has never driven to drive an automatic and he can always upgrade later to a manual car.

If he thinks he may pass, he's more likely to take it, after two tests he may just not want to keep failing.

Xenia · 30/11/2011 19:42

Just say you won't drive him and that for 50% of your own journeys you will be expecting him to pay for taxis as you will not be driving yourself so he is going to haveto work many more hours to pay that over the next 40 years.

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:42

Sorry what i meant was, he's not to scared to drive its that he doesn't want to fail the test, does that make sense?

I don't even mind giving him lifts, i just thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, i thought that soon he would be able to give me lifts, i mean he's on my insurance, he really wanted this.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 30/11/2011 19:44

YABU. Dh and I have been married for 14 years. For a long time I really didn't want to learn to drive. Dh was encouraging but not hectoring. Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to learn. I passed in July this year and I absolutely love it. However has he ever spoken to me like you have today I would have told him where he could shove his marriage.
My driving test was the most nervewracking thing I think I have ever done. Your dp has done it twice and he doesn't want to do it again right now. How dare you try and bully him in to it.

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:45

He can drive stick, he failed the first time for speeding he thought it was a 40 when it was a 30, and the 2nd for not being far enough on the left side of the road (road lined with cars) when turning right. Which i think he should have appealed but there are only 2 instructors where he tests and he didn't want to be black listed.

OP posts:

Kayzr · 30/11/2011 19:45

I think YABVVU. Maybe leave it and discuss it again once he has had the all clear with his eyes.

I can't drive. I've not failed my test as I've never gotten that fair as I'm terrified of driving. I'd love to be able to drive I really would

Rhubarbgarden · 30/11/2011 19:45

I understand where you are coming from. I had a boyfriend like this once. He expected to be driven everywhere, and said why waste money on lessons when I could do all the driving? His attitude ate away at me and I got more and more resentful about it. It wasn't just the driving though - he had this sort of attitude about other things too, and I got sick of feeling like I was the only adult one in the relationship, so I ended it. Is it just the driving that's bothering you? Does he have redeeming features?

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:57

Yeah he has a few redeeming features, can't think of them right now though i really spoil him, so this is partly my fault, i give him lifts cause i care i don't want him to be out in the cold e.t.c and i feel really rubbish now. I just can't believe he won't try.

He's not scared of driving, when he was learning he was so excited talking about being to go meet his mates, without needing lifts, not being reliant on me. Not having me coming to get him late at night when i was tired.

OP posts:

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 20:04

Cookielove- he IS willing to learn, has done two tests and is just licking his wounds. I shouldn't think he said it in a calm, considered manner, more just a lashing out 'I'm not doing it anymore'.

You had a row, he feels got at, you feel fed up of ferrying him around, don't worry, he'll come back to driving in his own time.

But, YABU not to marry him on this basis. I married my husband who didn't have a licence having lived all his life in capital cities, once we moved somewhere without good public transport, he learnt to drive (with a lot of huffing and puffing inbetween fails and, as I say, in the end taking an automatic test and passing).

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 20:37

I know i was being unreasonable about the marriage, it was said in upset and anger, but it still doesn't change the fact that i want him to pass his test.

OP posts:

auntiepicklebottom2 · 30/11/2011 20:45

Having failed 4 test, it is very soul destroying and affect self confidence

LydiaWickham · 30/11/2011 20:52

You need to make a decision that you won't enable his life as a non-driver. So you don't nag (this will be hard) but you never give him a lift. Your new mantra is "I'm not your chauffeur". and mean it. Easier said than done, granted.

You can't force him to learn, but you can stop making it easy for him to not do.

Also, think about if you actually want to marry him. Is his attitude to you what you want aside from the driving?

LydiaWickham · 30/11/2011 20:54

Oh, and nagging doesn't work in these situations. It really doesn't. But not providing an alternative or making their life easier (ie you driving) does tend to work.

freedom2011 · 30/11/2011 21:06

I think I would have felt really crushed and hurt if my fiance had said they didn't want to marry me because I didn't drive so, unless this really is a life time deal breaker for you, outweighing all the good points of your DP - yes YAB a bit U to have said you don't want to marry him in a discussion that started off about his driving test.

I hope you are able to kiss and make up soon and calmly discuss the original point. Good luck.

Northernlurker · 30/11/2011 21:06

Well Lydia - in a relationship I would think there has to be give and take on both sides. Not one side refusing to drive to make the other party do something they don't want to. Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here saying my husband can drive but refuses to drive me anywhere?

I have been in the position of the non driving partner and I am frankly flabbergasted that it is thought ok to bully and blackmail people in that position.

freedom2011 · 30/11/2011 21:07

Oh right, just re-read thread OP you know you were being unreasonable. Still hope you make it up soon.

Original poster

cookielove · 30/11/2011 21:17

So Northern lurker are you saying i should just carrying on driving him around for the rest of his life because i can drive and he can't?

I should continue to go out of my way, to give him lifts end up doing all the shops because i am the one with the car!!

It is give and take, and he doesn't seem to be giving me anything at the moment.

Its not blackmail, especially since he doesn't actually give a shit if we get married.

I am hurt, angry and shocked that he won't budge, why should i have to be the driver for the rest of our lives just because he doesn't want to.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 30/11/2011 21:35

Well if I was sharing a home with you atm I certainly wouldn't be lining up to get married.

Look - you can drive, he can't atm. Doubtless there are things he can do that you can't. Things that he contributes that you benefit from. If you are going to count every time you drive him somewhere as a debit on the account then your relationship is knackered anyway. If your dp were on here I personally would be telling him to run far away. You've been together for seven years and you're happy to throw it away because of something that you CAN do and he CAN'T? You're out of your mind.

MoreBeta · 30/11/2011 21:41

Have you considered living somewhere where neither of you need to drive on a day-to-day basis?

I don't like driving and haven't driven for 25 years. DW can't drive either. We have two children and a cheaper less stressful life without driving.

Hassled · 30/11/2011 21:44

I can't and won't drive. DH accommodates my ridiculousness (and it is ridiculous, I agree) and I use public transport a lot. In fact until I met him I'd had two kids and moved cities and had assorted jobs and travelled etc without ever driving - it's mildly annoying that I can't, rather than some huge obstacle to my life.

In my case I have my reasons - originally too skint to learn, then I was a student in London where it seemed pointless, then when I could have learnt DS1 was hit by a car (he's alive and well and 24 now, but it was awful at the time). And now it just scares the shit out of me. I have crap spatial awareness, I can't tell left from right - I know I'd be bad at it. And it just terrifies me.

What I'm trying to say is that this is about more than the driving, isn't it? If you were happy with him you'd accommodate him being ridiculous like my DH just accepts he's the family chauffeur. I think you're displacing other issues onto something which is actually quite trivial and which you could, as I'm sure you know, work around.

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