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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DP i am not sure if i wanna marry him??

59 replies

cookielove · 30/11/2011 19:13

So some back story, i have been living with DP for the last 4 years (been together for 7), i have a car and do all the driving. He has not got a license.

I've just had a huge row with DP, and i really can't stand to look at him right now which is why he is in the living room watching tv (after he told me, why do you get to watch tv) and i am in the bedroom on the laptop watching iplayer and MNing.

So on the way home from shopping DP tells me he's not going to try and pass his test anymore (he was learning a few months ago and has failed two test, but due to eye problems hasn't and can't drive until they are resolved). I probably went the wrong way and said to him that he was to, and they he wasn't going to throw away £500 just cause he can't be bothered to try.

So he says its probably more than that [argh]

So i get really cross and shout back saying that i don't want to be the only person driving, it would be really nice if he could drive to just for general easyness in life. But he is adament then he won't drive. So i say i really don't want to get married if i have to cart you round for the rest of my life. He says fine lets not get married.

The argument escalates with him refusing and me not backing down, we get into the flat and it gets petty, we start pissing each other off, i almost leave he doesn't care.

We really aren't speaking to each other now!!

I really just want him to pass his test, aibu to expect him to try and pass it??

OP posts:
Original poster
cookielove · 30/11/2011 21:49

I think i must have said this all wrong, in the heat of the arguement in which we both said horrible things i said i was doubting whether i wanted to marry him. I didn't say i want to break up.

I am not happy to throw my relationship away, however even now after the anger has gone i am still thinking is this never going to happen, i am destined for a life where i will be the only driver.

I don't count every favour i do for him, and make sure i get one back, that is just crazy. Not that you said that.

Your right he can't drive atm, but what if he never does?

well the answer to that, is i will just have to live with it because i love him.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 30/11/2011 21:52

I wouldn't want to be the one in a couple who did all the driving. If I had a bloke who could pass his test but didn't put the effort in I wouldn't be with him as to me people who refuse to drive are often a bit pathetic about all sorts of other things as well. It's part of being an adult, like learning to swim and ride a bike. I suspect I'd have little respect for an adult who refused to do those as well. Wussy blokes don't do much for me.

wannaBe · 30/11/2011 21:53

so you told him that if he doesn't learn to drive you won't marry him? how shallow can you get?

Tell me op, what if this thing with his eyes had meant he wouldn't be allowed to drive. Would you have dumped him then too?

2rebecca · 30/11/2011 21:55

He was just as bad, to him refusing to sit his test was more important than getting married.

Original poster
cookielove · 30/11/2011 22:05

MoreBeta - We moved so he could walk or cycle to work, my work is further away now so i have no choice but to drive, i work different shifts and there are buses but it makes no sense for me not to drive. We live where we live so he didn't need to drive, he wanted to learn, i gave him the kick up the bum to get started but he really enjoyed his lessons. He was talking about buying a car so he could have his own when he passed. (we can't afford 2 cars)

It is and isn't about the driving, i want him to pass so i don't always have to be the one stuck with all the driving, that i can relying on him instead of him always relying on me. Petty maybe but its nice to be supported.

And its about him following through, he's not scared of driving, he's not been spooked by crashes, he is essentially fearless (in a really wierd way), he just has it in his head he doesn't want to so he won't.

One of my biggest bug bearers with him is his stubborness and this driving test is like his general stubborness but on a grander scale.

So when we go shopping, to a large supermarket he's hungry and irritable he can't decide on what to have/get he looks and gets frustrated, in the end he just decides to have nothing, and he'll go without. Nothing will budge him, i know he will be hungry when we get back but he's made up his mind and he doesn't want anything. I get a few things i know he likes anyway. So we get home, half an hour later he moans that he is hungry and there is nothing here he wants to eat, but hey you were just in the supermarket why didn't you get anything, well he explains, i just didn't want any of that stuff but now i do.

He does this all the time, its like living with a child, i think its some left over issues from his childhood of having to go without.

This driving test is just like supermarket, in a few months, or maybe even a few years he will change his mind, do we spend another grand on driving lessons then and hope he passes that time??

Or shall i just hope he changes his mind and decides he does want to drive?

OP posts:
Original poster
cookielove · 30/11/2011 22:07

Wannabe, if this thing with his eye was more serious then i would be devastated for him and would adjust to a different kind of life, but it isn't serious, and he will heal.

OP posts:
kickingking · 30/11/2011 22:07

I think you are being unreasonable.

I failed many several tests in my early twenties and swore I would never, ever drive again. So for many years DH was the driver. I was so disheartened by failing and became scared of driving - I really belived it was simply not for me.

I did try again, aged 32 Blush and passed easily that time. I am still quite nervous, don't like slip roads, high speeds, etc. and I will only do what I feel comfortable with, and refuse to be pressured into a long or difficult journey if I don't want to do it.

That's my point - do not pressure him. Not being able to drive once you are past 21 or so is demoralising, embarrassing and socially unacceptable (wrongly IMO). He feels bad enough already. You really shouldn't pressure anyone into doing something they don't want to anyway.

Failing twice is not bad at all and I think he probably will try again. However, he will do it when he is ready not when you say so. And the more you pressure him, the less he will want to do it.

Original poster
cookielove · 30/11/2011 22:11

Aside from are argument tonight there has been no pressure, when he failed both times i was understanding, and quite angry at the testers for failing him for such a shite reason (the 2nd time) especially as he had no minors (bastards)

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 30/11/2011 22:23

OMFG!

I can't drive (I'd be shit - trust me). I have other abilities which make up for it.

I rely on my bloke for lifts places, if he can't give me one I get a taxi.

I'd be gutted if he said he didn't want to be with me because of it.

A relationship isn't just about driving, there's other aspects to it as well.

He doesn't want to drive, big deal.

If it's such a problem move somewhere more central/on a bus route and give him lifts less often.

However, it sounds like there's more to it than the driving thing............!

freedom2011 · 30/11/2011 22:31

oh cookielove - we're just strangers on the internet. who cares what we think anyway? go tell your DP you're sorry you've had a row and that you said you didn't want to marry him if he can't drive. it's quite late, just making up is probably enough today. save readdressing the issue for another time. be the bigger, kinder person. you sound pretty nice generally and obviously really care about him in the greater scheme of your life together outside this issue. re: supermarket - maybe make a shopping list together when not tired or hungry then it might not be such a drama when you go?

Original poster
cookielove · 30/11/2011 22:32

what does it sound like?

OP posts:
Hassled · 30/11/2011 22:42

Well after your subsequent posts it sounds like he's a stubborn bastard who plays silly games with you. That supermarket thing - what the hell is that all about? This really isn't about you not wanting to be his chauffeur - the key is in what you said about wanting someone you could rely on, rather than you always being the person relied upon. It's about wanting someone to share the load with you.

snuffaluffagus · 30/11/2011 23:27

Yanbu. It must be a right pain in the arsed to be the only driver.. and it would also be highly annoying to think about the money that has gone on lessons/tests etc being wasted..

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 23:37

YAVVVU and don't sound too nice tbh. You seem like you don't want to be with him anyway. I am sure that he has skills, and attributes that you don't have that he brings to the relationship. I don't drive (failed 4 tests) and cannot afford to learn soon as I am pg with dc2 so need to save the money, and would be mortified and hurt, and upset if my dh looked at me as a burden because he has to drive me around at times. Most of the times I use public transport. His worth should not rest on being able to drive, mabey he doesn't like it, mabey he is scared. I cannot believe that you are talking about somebody that you supposidly love and care about like that!

marriedandwreathedinholly · 30/11/2011 23:41

YABU - my DH hates driving and has never been happy about it. As a teenager he was in a crash where one of his best friends went through the rear window and was badly hurt. He does drive, hates motorways, hates driving abroad, has a GWiz to get to work ffs to avoid the congestion charge. Hated driving the dc anywhere when they were small because he was so scared of making a mistake; failing to concentrate when they were wailing, etc.

I married my dh because I loved him and part of him is the fact that if he can possibly avoid it, he will not drive. Oddly for a very sporty man, he's not terribly spacially aware!

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 23:41

It's hardly like he never tried, or wasted the money, he took the test twice, and failed twice. He gave it a good go. Now he needs time to think about it, think whether he will ever pass, get his confidence up again and in time, he will come to it.

As for being the driver, you don't have to be his taxi service, that's your personal choice to take on, when my husband couldn't drive, I didn't always run him places, he got the bus and trains a lot, and on very odd occasions, a taxi. I drove some places but I didn't spend my life running around after him. And if you have children, you can't just bung them in the car and go driving someone else around if they are asleep etc. So, limit what you are prepared to do on that score so you don't feel taken advantage of, more that you are contributing to the general running of your lives together.

ISayHolmes · 30/11/2011 23:47

From the last post you made I can completely see where you're coming from. It's not just about him being able to drive- it's him being petulant and deciding he won't do it and you being frustrated with the predictability of what will happen next and the cycle you'll go in. It's that that needs addressing and a discussion more than anything else.

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 23:53

Mabey underneath he is scared of driving or has some sort of phobia about it but does not want to admit to it, so puts on this stubbon front.

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 23:59

Piglet, that's what my husband was like after the first epic fail. He really didn't want to hear any talk about it again, which was immensely frustrating. But he really believed he couldn't do it, and to be honest, if he hadn't switched to automatic (where you just point the car and press one pedal, easy-peasy), I think he'd still be a non-driver now.

pigletmania · 01/12/2011 00:03

I think a l lot of men are like that, its kind of a masculine thing to be able to drive, and to fail tests it can be bruising on the old male ego.

pigletmania · 01/12/2011 07:58

Tbh you don't sound like you love him much, and do view him as being a burden because he does not drive and is not showing an interest in it. For the record my dh drives but hates it, I don't either (failed 4 tests and can't afford at the moment to learn), but I have accepted the way he is because I love him. He not driving very much means we don't go out much to places further afield but he only drives for necessity. If thats the way you feel, you should not be with him, its not nice to put pressure on him, just leave him and he may come round to the idea later. driving does not come naturally to people, some people it does and they pass with flying colours, others it does not and they fail repeatidly, like me.

LydiaWickham · 01/12/2011 08:48

From you later messages, it sounds like he doesn't want a wife, he wants a parent. He sounds stuck in stroppy teenager mode.

Make your life easier, stop running round after him. (I would suggest you also start shopping for food on line - and make it clear you won't go back to the supermarket for things he didn't put on the order that he wanted).

But generally, is he the sort of man you want to spend your life with? I am just a stranger on the internet, but it sounds like you're living with an oversized child and the driving is just part of you feeling like you're being forced into a parenting role with him.

Long term, I couldn't respect a man like that. But then I know several 'man child' types who are happily married, so what would drive me insane doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you.

mumblechum1 · 01/12/2011 08:55

YANBU. Every adult should be able to drive (disabilities excepted), it's a basic life skill like being able to cook, swim, use a computer.

pigletmania · 01/12/2011 09:25

Its really Sad on here to read that a person's worth is being placed on whether they can drive. No mumblechum not everyone has to drive, if you can get by using other means that that's good. Not everyone is cut out to drive, or likes to drive. Personally I would not compare being able to drive with swimming, as that can save your life and is absolutely necessary, driving is not! If you are not happy driving him about, tell him to use other forms of transport, a lot of people get about quite easily without being able to drive.

pigletmania · 01/12/2011 09:28

Have you seen Dangerous Driver School on C5, some people should not be driving, so no every adult should not be able to drive.

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