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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call H's bluff and see how he does as a 'single dad'?

56 replies

odaco · 30/11/2011 16:47

Have 3 DCs. I'm a SAHM, H works late and is 'fun dad' at the weekends while I find myself yelling/stressing/doing piles of washing/fighting over homework, untidy rooms and bathtime. All 3 DCs total daddy's boy/girls.

H returned from a work trip abroad yesterday. While he was away the younger 2 DCs got an awful D+V bug which I then caught. Horrible trying to catch their sick/clean them up while arranging for someone to take DC1 to/from school, keep myself hydrated etc. I don't think I slept for more than 2 hours the whole time as someone was always being ill or crying or whatever (sometimes me!)

I know a lot of parents cope with a lot more but that's where I was, anyway.

H came home and the first thing he did was sneer at the state of the house (it was a tip, but I was so ill!) He then refused to take over the caring for still-ill DC3 as he was jetlagged. Slept through me and DC3 being ill, DC2 waking frequently with pain etc and went to work this morning as usual.

I begged him to take a half-day as had all DCs at home because of the strikes and was on my knees. He very grudgingly agreed (is easy for him to work from home). Ended up having a blazing row with H who basically said I could just eff off then if I didn't want to look after 'my' children and that an au pair would be cheaper than 'keeping' me "and better at housework".

AIBU to seriously consider checking myself into a hotel while I get over this horrible bug and leave him to see how he copes?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 16:49

Yanbu. He sounds lovely.

LegsAkimboTimeToBlush · 30/11/2011 16:50

Do it. He sounds a pleb.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 30/11/2011 16:50

Leave the fuckhead fucker.

Ahem. My DH would NEVER treat me so disrespectfully.

TheFrothingBerserker · 30/11/2011 16:50

Go for it!

Pakdooik · 30/11/2011 16:51

Do it tonight. Do it now!

Gapants · 30/11/2011 16:52

Blimey, is this common?

Go to a lovely spa hotel. Raid the mini bar.

Flisspaps · 30/11/2011 16:52

:(

It sounds like you're both feeling a bit shitty (you from being ill, him from being on a long flight if he's jet-lagged) and it's come to a head.

Does he feel bad that he's not been around, and is finding it easier to take it out on you than deal with the guilt of not being there when you're all poorly?

Or is he usually an arsehole when he's around, thinking you're a glorified servant?

rabbitfeet · 30/11/2011 16:55

Does he resent the fact you're a SAHM?

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 16:55

It's not something that's happened before but TBH there's never been the perfect storm of kids ill/me ill/H away before. If he wasn't being such a fucking twat I'd say something like "he was great when I had major surgery earlier this year", but he is so I won't.

I NEED some rest, is the thing. If the DCs were younger I'd not be safe to care for them and as it is I am only able to do the bare minimum. I don't think I could get to a spa hotel, only really got fairly crap options nearby (there is a travelodge 15 minutes' drive away though and TBH a travelodge sounds like heaven right now).

I am really tempted.

OP posts:
Grumpla · 30/11/2011 16:55

Your DH is being a twat. I guess it comes down to whether this is a momentary aberration or more of a long-term pattern of twattishness.

Personally I'd be outta there! Even a travel lodge would be heaven. And I'd be expecting a monumental apology when I got back.

Grumpla · 30/11/2011 16:56

Haha x post at travelodge heaven. It's a sign! Do it!

Flisspaps · 30/11/2011 16:57

Go to the Travelodge then :)

LegsAkimboTimeToBlush · 30/11/2011 16:57

On a serious note, would he cope? Would the kids end up suffering if you booked in at a hotel. Because quite frankly he sounds less than involved in their care and as though he wouldn't have a bloody clue about how to look after them, especially if they are ill.
Hope you are feeling better soon btw!

Pakdooik · 30/11/2011 16:58

It must be at least a Premier Inn so you get a breakfast

DogStinkhorn · 30/11/2011 17:00

What a shithead. Definitely go and book in to a hotel.

slavetofilofax · 30/11/2011 17:00

Do it!

Pack an overnight bag and get all your stuff together and then see if you can pluck up the courage to walk out the door.

Travelodge's have clean beds, a telly and you will have a nice clean bathroom that no one has been sick in. Go!

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 17:01

He sounds like a tosser. Seriously, have you been having problems before this? I cannot imagine my DH behaving like that.

But.... if any part of you is thinking of leaving this marriage (NOT that I'm advocating that AT ALL), then do not leave your children for a night away in a hotel. That would be used against you in a big way.

On the other hand, if you're just having a big ol' fight, then pack your overnight bag and make sure wherever you go, they have an on-site spa.

effingwotsits · 30/11/2011 17:01

I think you need 2 nights to make sure you're over it Wink

Seriously though, what a fuckwit. Really!

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 17:03

Sorry, x-posted and didn't see the Travelodge angle. Clean and comfortable and blissfully free of vomiting children. Perfect.

Alouisee · 30/11/2011 17:06

Fuck the Travellodge! I'm thinking Four Seasons or Ritz Carlton. You'll need at least three nights.

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 17:07

The 'abandoning' thing actually did occurr to me tx12noone which is a bad sign in itself.

He is fine looking after them by himself (DCs are 4, 6, 10), and does a lot at the weekends so they wouldn't starve or anything though he's not great at making sure everyone has their sports kits or has a bath or done their homework iyswim. But they wouldn't suffer per se and he's patient and kind to them.

He has been a lot worse recently after 18 months of being brilliant, this him being shit thing has come as a horrible surprise but I just can't be understanding I just can't.

My parents have offered to have the DCs who aren't currently ill but they are quite frail and I am worried they might catch it anyway.

The travelodge heaven cross-posting does sound like a sign Grumpla! It's just a few mins down the road... I just need to sleep Sad

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/11/2011 17:07

much as it would be fun, it's the wrong thing to do. there is zero chance of you returning home to a man who has learned his lesson, i'm afraid.

if you work in the home and he doesn't, that's the deal you've struck. clearly, you badly need to renegotiate that deal, and get him to show you some kindness and respect along the way. but this will not work at all, not for a minute, and will scare the children.

AitchTwoOh · 30/11/2011 17:08

that's good that he is decent most of the time. you two really need to talk about this.

northernwreck · 30/11/2011 17:08

Sorry, agree with tx12noone.

I don't think a man would get away with saying that to me and live to tell the tale tbh. I can't believe he said those things to you.
I hope you get a very heartfelt apology. And then a diamond.

captainhook · 30/11/2011 17:10

can hear the happy shrieks of my kids from downstairs - DH has taken them over from 8am when I started chucking up and i am still in bed. He's shelved the work he was supposed to be doing from home today to sort this.

I feel very lucky but think you aren't at all unreasonable to ask for a little of the same!