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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call H's bluff and see how he does as a 'single dad'?

56 replies

odaco · 30/11/2011 16:47

Have 3 DCs. I'm a SAHM, H works late and is 'fun dad' at the weekends while I find myself yelling/stressing/doing piles of washing/fighting over homework, untidy rooms and bathtime. All 3 DCs total daddy's boy/girls.

H returned from a work trip abroad yesterday. While he was away the younger 2 DCs got an awful D+V bug which I then caught. Horrible trying to catch their sick/clean them up while arranging for someone to take DC1 to/from school, keep myself hydrated etc. I don't think I slept for more than 2 hours the whole time as someone was always being ill or crying or whatever (sometimes me!)

I know a lot of parents cope with a lot more but that's where I was, anyway.

H came home and the first thing he did was sneer at the state of the house (it was a tip, but I was so ill!) He then refused to take over the caring for still-ill DC3 as he was jetlagged. Slept through me and DC3 being ill, DC2 waking frequently with pain etc and went to work this morning as usual.

I begged him to take a half-day as had all DCs at home because of the strikes and was on my knees. He very grudgingly agreed (is easy for him to work from home). Ended up having a blazing row with H who basically said I could just eff off then if I didn't want to look after 'my' children and that an au pair would be cheaper than 'keeping' me "and better at housework".

AIBU to seriously consider checking myself into a hotel while I get over this horrible bug and leave him to see how he copes?

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 30/11/2011 17:11

YANBU and he is a selfish pig.

DressingGownQueen · 30/11/2011 17:11

God he sounds awful. I know travelling/jet lag can be stressful but bloody hell! You think he would realise he had the better end of the deal.

I really hope it is a one off Sad

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 17:12

I'm sure he wouldn't learn a lesson, but at least OP would have some sleep. And 12 hours of peace and quiet.

I know you're not abandoning them! Any reasonable person knows that. Just warning that if, heaven forbid, it came to courts and all that, well, you know...

Travelodge v tempting, I imagine.

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 17:13

I can't see an apology happening really. At least the older two will be at school tomorrow so maybe I can persuade DC3 to let me have a sleep in the daytime?

Aitch I don't think the DCs would be too traumatised, truly, unless I made a big production out of leaving iyswim. But yeah, I don't think I could actually do it.

I'd lock myself in the bathroom and make a bed in the bath but we only have one loo!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/11/2011 17:15

what about taking the time to vom all over him, then? would that help? Wink

it seriously sounds like you two need to talk to each other. he's not being kind, and it's kindness that keeps a marriage going.

Tortington · 30/11/2011 17:18

i really can't see him as a good person if he won't help his ill wife get some sleep

he sounds really really ugly in his soul

Driftwood999 · 30/11/2011 17:19

I agree with AitchTwoOh - it would frighten the children and possibly make things worse. Your are clearly suffering, feeling terrible with the illness. It's no excuse, but I have had jet lag and felt like I had really bad flu. Do what ever you can to make life a bit easier, convenience food, having a cleaner (there are agencies) asap, if your budget allows of course. You have 3 dc together, you will get through this. You don't sound like a doormat btw, just very, very hurt which is understandable. Stress can make a monster out of most people.

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 17:25

If you decide against the hotel, then spend the money by calling in a cleaning service for tomorrow. You and DC3 can sit around watching Cbeebies while someone else blitzes through the house for you. Just lift your feet as they hoover near the sofa. Might make you feel less stressed is the house is taken care of?

Your DH needs to apologise profoundly.

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 17:30

It does feel like the proverbial straw. Being able to yell about it here is helping a lot.

Cleaning service is a good idea. H has taken DS1 and 2 out for food (to McDonalds but hey why not), so that's something. I just don't get why he is being so vicious. I guess I am too though.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/11/2011 17:49

call an agency and get someone round. get a takeaway tonight and have a cuddle. if he is decent he will realise that he behaved like a shit and will apologise.

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 17:53

If I got a takeaway I would vom it on his shoes... hmm... could be a plan Wink

At the moment he is not being decent - he behaved very badly while on this work trip as well. I was thinking his behaviour now could be partly down to misplaced guilt but tbh I am too knackered and ill to care.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 30/11/2011 18:06

Explain the sequence of events a little bit... you asked him to take a half day off, he agreed.... how did the row come about?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 30/11/2011 18:12

basically said I could just eff off then if I didn't want to look after 'my' children and that an au pair would be cheaper than 'keeping' me "and better at housework.

Shock

He sounds horrid!

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 18:22

Joan I asked him to take a half-day and he compromised on a half-day working from home and said he would take the older DCs out for a run around 'before it got dark'. When he got home (around 1pm), I asked if he could take over caring for DS3 while I had a shower and got some rest. He said he couldn't because he was doing a conference call. So I had to keep everyone quiet while he did that in the kitchen (we're all on one level).

Conference call carried on until almost 4pm at which point it was dark and I was even more stressed from trying to keep everyone silent for 3 hours. I said "you might as well have stayed at work, it would've been less hassle", and he went off on one as I have described.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 30/11/2011 18:27

basically said I could just eff off then if I didn't want to look after 'my' children and that an au pair would be cheaper than 'keeping' me "and better at housework

If my DH said that to me, it would be the last thing he said from this side of the front door. OP what do you mean that he behaved very badly while away on the work trip? Why do you think this is misplaced guilt? I must admit I was thinking similiar while I was reading this.

joanofarchitrave · 30/11/2011 18:30

Grim :( Sorry to ask you for yet more details.

Tell him from me that he has no idea what a SAHP does, or in fact any idea what having an au pair is like (he really thinks an 18-year-old from Slovakia would care for three sick children while ill herself?)

I would get some other family/friend support in for now until I felt stronger, and then take him out to the pub for the evening and ask him what the hell he thinks marriage, parenthood, shared responsibility and a few other things actually mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 18:33

I was just thinking - the country he's just come from, 'maids' etc are v common and SAHMs all seem to be fairly trophy wife-esque. Perhaps coming from plush surroundings like that back to our shitpit made him feel he could do better. Twat.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/11/2011 18:42

He has been nice until recently and now is showing a vicious and mean streak and you don't really know where he is when he's abroad?

What is going on in his life? I have my suspicions that he may have been 'doing better' here. Sorry, but the sneering and the heartlessness sometimes accompany a double life. It makes it seem more reasonable when the wife can be criticised.

AntiqueAnteater · 30/11/2011 18:46

why do you have piles of washing/dirty house to sort out at the weekend if you are home all the week as well

seems like you need to sort out your time management skills

Original poster
odaco · 30/11/2011 18:49

mathanxiety, I am absolutely sure he hasn't been having an affair here in the UK. He has been accounting for his time after a period of being a drunken twat (I linked a post briefly outlining the situation). I think that if he is feeling guilty and is angry at me because of it, it's because of the 'relapse' he had while abroad and, possibly, because there were repurcussions at work he hasn't told me about yet.

Antique, from seeing your comments on other posts I think you're trolling - if not, you're just horrible Hmm

OP posts:
Fiolondon · 30/11/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 30/11/2011 19:10

I saw the other thread. I think there are much bigger issues between the two of you than just the D&V incident. You seem to be playing the role of minder here and I wonder if the responsibility of that on top of all the other balls you are keeping in the air is getting you down. Has he ever done AA? Have you ever considered Al-Anon (support for families affected by someone's drinking)? He seems to have gone some way towards accepting that he is now a family man but some of his reactions to responsibility and the idea of being a family man are askew. (I wondered too, given the venom and heartlessness, if he has been dipping his wick elsewhere, because there seemed to be a real coldness towards you there, a real resentment of your claim on his attention.)

You need to negotiate a certain amount of time off for yourself and obviously some day when your DH is off work would be the best for this, so a weekend day for a few hours might be good. However, you won't enjoy time off if there's going to be a pile of work to be got through when you return.

It really might be worth your while to try to get most of the heavy stuff done during the week (as much as you can anyhow if you don't have a dryer for the washing) as well as grocery shopping etc. It's nice to have the feeling that you have accomplished a good solid five days and have a bit of a break to look forward to even though by the nature of it, running a home with children is work that never really ends. The children can then look forward to having a bit of fun with mum on the weekends too and you won't always be playing bad cop for them. Rope the children in as much as you can on the household front, as cheerfully as you can -- they can help out with a few daily chores as well as occasional biggies like putting away their washed clothes. Smaller ones are often more amenable to persuasion that it's fun than the older ones..

jan2011 · 30/11/2011 20:20

Hey odaco
im so sorry for what you are going through, its so hard when there is no understanding and such tension in the marriage. you are doing so well to be hanging in there when you are so hurt and unwell and have 3 kids and the house to look after. your hubby may not be able to be grateful now as he is immersed in himself, but hopefully he will be able to look back and see the clear picture and be so thankful for you, as its obvious he is going through something as well maybe stress or whatever, and taking it out on you cos you are the closest to him. you said your mum and dad were around and were willing to take the kids but were too frail, do you think that you could go with them? that way you get a bit of emotional support, 2 extra people to bounce the kids off, and maybe not have to do so much housework but still be able to take the pressure off your mum and dad if they just had of had the kids? even just a few days? it might help you and your hubby both get a breather. thinking of you, hope you feel better soon

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 23:45

Hope you've gotten some sleep and are feeling a bit better.

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