bit upset today, that pil are going abroad when our twins are due, and we have dd1 too

[CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS]

i'm a bit upset today as mil has just told me they are going to italy start of july, the twins are due 28th june.
just worried about how we will cope with dd who will be 5, if i'm in the hospital with the twins

ok i'll go.

Go where?

Don't be a dafty trousers. You've asked for opinions and people are trying to help you find your way through this situation. No need to 'go'

there's a surprise. are opinions here not going your way either?

YABU

and flouncy

YANBU

I would have been hurt if my in-laws did this. Luckily despite living about 4 hours away they did put their lifes a bit on hold when I was due and luckily for us they did as DS2 was in NICU for a week and it was hard.

I wouldn't do this to my children but you know the mn mantra - 'their your children so your responsibility'

I'd be disappointed too, but I'm sure they considered your due date when they made their plans - sometimes the timing can't be right for everyone. The main thing is that you know plenty of time in advance and can make plans accordingly.

How long are they away for?

Carrie remember you are really hormonal. Double the hormones! My twins are 6 and I remember it well.

Try not to focus on small issues.

Aw carrie don't go.

You are feeling ill and twins is a big deal to get your head around!Talk to your DH, try not to upset yourself, everything will be fine

I'd be hurt at the 'nothing for us here' comment too OP. You sound like you're having a tough pregnancy - hope DH and other family offering lots of support. x

I would be upset about this too,especially if its the kind of holiday they could go on anytime. Could your dh have a word, they might think you dont need them and be pleased if you do :)

I think you are being a wee bit hormonal here but if you weren't currently pregnant, I think I'd have suggested you were overly self-absorbed.

I'm a grandmother and would naturally do all I could to avoid being away at the time a grandbaby was due. But equally, I wouldn't be putting my life on hold for 2 months just in case the baby was early or late. How long are these absent grandparents who have the brass neck to want a life of their own planning to be away?

If you really need their help then for goodness sake have a sensible conversation with them and ask if they could postpone their trip. But I think you'll do better talking to them than attempting to get a ruling on MN.

Also, don't talk yourself into fearful complications. Is there any medical reason why you should expect your twins to need a prolonged stay in a SCBU?

YABU. They are entitled to a life and a holiday and I fail to understand why a 5 year old, who is presumably at full-time school will run your husband ragged.

I understand the arguments about them being your children, but I think YANBU. I doubt that you chose to have twins, so hoping for a bit of support with the added challenges seems reasonable. There is no way my parents or PIL would have been out of the country when DD was due and there was only one of her and she was the first so there weren't any other DC to look after. In the end I was ill for about 3 months and my DM was unbelievably good in looking after me and DD and she did it without batting an eyelid. From her perspective it is "just what you do".

The "takes a village to raise a child" concept doesn't seem very popular on MN but I think it should at least extend to grandchildren. I think there is a sense with my parents/PIL that they didn't have the support that they would have liked from their parents/PIL so they are keen to provide it for us. I feel strongly that I will want to pass on this helpful approach if I ever have grandchildren.

Breath slowly. So because she might need some support her pil can go on holiday? At what point does it become acceptable for them to live their own lives then?

My twins are 9 wks old, born at 37 wks with EMCS. Both my parents live abroad (different countries) and PIL unable to help due to health, I also have DD1 5.

TBH first few weeks fairly easy as I don't think twins had realised they had been born so just fed and slept, No SCBU but smallest (4.9lb) in hot cot for a couple of days. DP coped as I would have expected, he is part of this after all.

Have found weeks 6 to 9 hardest but your PIL should be around for this and hopefully able to help.

I hope your pregnancy gets better, your hormones are all over the place at the moment

when your mil told you she was planning on going to Italy at the start of July did you actually tell her your twins are due at the end of June? Does she really know the 2 dates are so close? (I'm a really visual person and can miss huge glaringly obvious things if told verbally, only when I see things written down do I get it)

Did you say anything at all about the 2 dates being close, akin her if it were at all possible to maybe go a bit earlier or later, or whatever you might find better.

She might not know, might not realise it upsets you, might not get the connection, why get upset before you actually discuss. What does your dh think or say about it?

I think (from a previous thread) this holiday is actually timed to coincide with a family wedding, so presumably dates wouldn't be that flexible if they have decided to go. It was a risk you were taking that you'd get pg and they might still go away close to your due date. I think in a few months' time you will look back at this thread and consider it a less signiificant issue that it appears at present , because you cannot yet imagine life with a second child, let alonge twins, and your dd having to just muddle along for a while.

YABU - PILs are not dedicated free childcare providers, the holiday is not forever, and I doubt they knew you were PG when they planned it. Your parents are nearby, you have 7 months to get it sorted.

Hey Carrie.

Am expecting twins too and my hospital induces at 37 weeks if they haven't arrived of their own volition. So if your EDD is based on 40 weeks, that would mean them greeting the world w/c 7th June, and therefore your ILs having a good amount of time to say hello and help out.

As I understand it, the SCBU and twins is for when they're very early largely, and is about helping them 'catch up', so again, it's most likely this stage would have passed before they went on hols.

So, practically, I think you're OK, but I do sympathise - you kinda want everyone to be as excited as you, so not thinking of leaving the country for, oo, 5 years after EDD! I would just demand that they bring back lots of lovely Italian food in recompense and maybe some Italian designer bambino wear!

Sirzy - they could go a couple of months later, they could go next year - why the fuss over those particular dates? Wouldn't you want to be there for your DS or DD when they were having twins (or even just a singleton)?

I was in hospital for nearly a month with ds3, don't know what we would have done without my family's help with the older children.

it's not clear to me if the pil know about the date clash.

it's not clear if she's said anything to oil or not. They aren't mind readers.

is the holiday timed for something fixed as Liz suggests e.g. family wedding?

she does have her family around moomin.

But who knows what may happen when they are a couple of months old?

Chances are they will be at least a month old by the time the grandparents go on holiday. Why is that an issue?

Quite. They can never go on holiday? Have just had a major scare with DS1 who is...17.

I asked DM about this as she has always been certain that she would want to be available to me at challenging times and is a very supportive mother. She thinks that it it might be a cultural difference as she isn't British and perhaps it is a British thing to think that once you have raised your children they should never look to you for support. Not sure what you all make of that idea.