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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

bit upset today, that pil are going abroad when our twins are due, and we have dd1 too

82 replies

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 15:25

i'm a bit upset today as mil has just told me they are going to italy start of july, the twins are due 28th june.
just worried about how we will cope with dd who will be 5, if i'm in the hospital with the twins

OP posts:

Flyonthewindscreen · 29/11/2011 16:05

I can't imagine wanting to bugger off on holiday very soon after my DS and DIL had a newborn, let alone twins, with an older child to look after as well. But at least you know where you stand OP and have plenty of time to draft in other help.

Sirzy · 29/11/2011 16:07

You can't plan life on the what ifs though you never know what is going to happen. You certainly can't expect other people to plan lives around your what ifs.

In theory you could end up banning them from planning for 2 months "just incase"

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 29/11/2011 16:12

YANBU to be a bit upset they are away around your due date, but YWBU to expect them to re-arrange / take into consideration your due date.

You and your DH should be wholly responsible for the decision to expand your family. Your PIL are grandparents, they've done their parenting. It'd be nice to have the around to support, but at their choice.....you sort of sound like you would expect it?

I hope you do not relay any of this to your PIL. That WBU.

Treats · 29/11/2011 16:17

My ILs did this. They booked a trip to India after finding out that it would clash with the due date for our DS. In the event, they've now arrived back and DS is overdue so they're around anyway.

Practically speaking, it just meant that we didn't include them in our plans for who would look after DD when I go into hospital. You've got lots of time to research babysitters and get people lined up.

But - tbh - I'm baffled as to why they wouldn't want to be around when their grandson is born. I don't really understand them.

SardineQueen · 29/11/2011 16:21

Oooh congrats carrie!

I think YANBU to be upset.

Are they generally involved though or not - is this unexpected or par for the course?

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 16:36

thanks sardine queen.

are are fairly involved with dd, they have got more involved with her as shes got older and is able to go on days out etc.

OP posts:

ErnesttheBavarian · 29/11/2011 16:43

are your parents much involved? Are they close by? How did things work after birth of dd? Who looked after dd then?

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 16:49

well when my dd was born my parents where away abroad on a pre planned holiday. dd arrived 3 weeks early, they said the wouldn't do it again. as the felt awful.

they are about 30min drive away.
pil 5 min drive away

i looked after dd as she was the only one.

OP posts:

ErnesttheBavarian · 29/11/2011 16:55

I just wondered if your parents were very hands on so they felt left out or just unneeded? For some dil they only want their mums and not their mil around, so maybe they thought it would give you the space with yr parents 1st?

Or maybe they just didn't think?

But if you have parents only 30 mins away it's no big deal is it anyway?

LIZS · 29/11/2011 16:55

Surely your parents could come over for the odd day or even stay overnight with your dd, 30 minutes is no time. Other parents could invite her for tea after school . It will work out fine and may actually be more manageable whilst you are in hospital :)

verytellytubby · 29/11/2011 16:58

To be blunt your twins will probably be early (mine were). I can understand your feelings but I didn't expect everyone to put their life on hold because I was having twins.

Don't focus on it now. You've got plenty of time to rally your friends and parents.

cat64 · 29/11/2011 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

usingapseudonym · 29/11/2011 17:02

My dad (only relative nearby, others abroad) has gone on holiday for 10 days over my due date. He didn't even see why that might be difficult when we had been relying on him for DD no 1. 3 years old...

I've been really scared as we have recently moved and in all likelihood husband will have child while I labour!

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 17:06

no pil were certainly not left out when dd was born or anything.

try to include them as much as possible.

OP posts:

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 29/11/2011 17:08

So what is the problem - your parents are only 30 mins away? really you are sounding a bit self absorbed sorry. I am expecting number 5 and have no family whatsoever (only ones that need DH and I to sort things for them as they are v old!)

I appreciate you are feeling a bit under the weather but these babies are due in July which means you have only just found out I presume? What if they have planned this for some time? Do you expect them to cancel their trip?

I just cannot see the problem - is it just that you are not getting your own way rather than any actual practical problem. Your parents are available so you have cover for your child. Please don't say anything to them, you will make them feel bad.

usingapseudonym · 29/11/2011 17:11

I hadn't realised your own parents were nearby. Do you really expect both sets to stay home for over a month to be available just in case?!

FunnysInTheGarden · 29/11/2011 17:12

I think it is the homones/sickness speaking here TBH. Don't worry about it, deal with whatever happens when it happens and have back ups for childcare etc. We have no family here and had to rely on friends when DS2 was born. It was fine.

coccyx · 29/11/2011 17:12

Surely your DH can manage a 5 year old. why will he be run ragged.
YABU.
To be honest I think they would/could be more helpful when you are all out of hospital.

EssentialFattyAcid · 29/11/2011 17:13

If your parents are so local do you really need the in laws to be around too?
It is presumably a bit hurtful that they aren't arranging their lives around you and the grandchildren but really, just try to move on. It takes all sorts.

In fairness it is hard to plan a holiday since birth is such an uncertain business in terms of timings, so I have a certain amount of sympathy with your pils, although like you I can't imagine I would do this myself!

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 17:14

well i nearly got admitted to hospital twice last week, and i'm not well with hyeremesis, soperhaps i'm not thinking straight.
i just makes me feel sad for my dh too.
suppose i just couldn't imagine doing that if one of my children was going to have a baby, let alone twins.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 29/11/2011 17:15

I don't think there's an issue here really is there? Chances are your twins will be born happy and healthy by the time they are on holiday. I'm sure a multiple pregnancy must be daunting but there's every chance everything will be fine. I think you're current state of ill health is influencing how you feel about this. You will have support, you will manage and even if they were in the country your in laws aren't obligated to help you out. Try and relax and deal with everything that's happening now not things that might happen in six months.

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/11/2011 17:20

they saidto us about a year ago they are thinking of moving permanatly to spain, as "theres nothing here for them"

said in front of dh me and dd.

what are we then scotch mist?

your probably right im not thinking straight because i'm ill.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 29/11/2011 17:25

Is it fair to expect them to plan their lives around you though?

If it was as you were in labour they said "we have booked a last min deal and are off now" then I can understand you being pissed off but with so much notice you know that for those dates you will need an alternative plan.

Northernlurker · 29/11/2011 17:26

Now you're being a bit daft. They love your dh, they love you and the babies but they are not going to live the rest of their lives through your life! Let it go and stop taking this as some sort of indication that you and dh and babes don't matter. You KNOW that isn't the case.

Square your shoulders, take a deep breath and think of something else - have you looked at twin pushchairs yet?

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 29/11/2011 17:26

I do think you are not thinking right because you are poorly. Please do keep your mouth shut to your DH and his parents as these sorts of things get out of hand and cause great offence.

There is no issue here - your parents are a little way away.

I hate to say it but really do you expect everything to stop because of your pregnancy? I know I sound harsh but really: get a grip

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