to sometimes resent being the 'good' child

[vvviola]

My brother has, yet again been totally selfish and thoughtless and upset my parents. This is an ongoing thing, not helped by SIL who seems to go out of her way to encourage him to upset them. What has exactly been done is kind of irrelevant, and is just one in a long series of thoughtless behaviour - but the upshot of it all is that they are essentially denying my parents a relationship with their grandchildren.

My parents are not monsters - they are lovely people. Yes, Mum can be a bit overbearing at times and Dad is a little absent minded, but I see what incredible grandparents they are to my two and I just don't get it.

The problem is, as a result of all this I seem to have been cast in the role of the 'good' child. The one who doesn't cause trouble, who can be relied on to do the right thing for the family (my brother had a troubled time as a teenager, as a result I felt I couldn't burden my parents with any more trouble - I don't think I so much as got a single detention in school). My parents have never once tried to stop my doing anything - but I find myself tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy & end up being unhappy myself.

I'm just getting a bit weary of being expected to be 'good' all the time. Of hearing from my parents friends "at least you wouldn't do that".

It's not that I intend to upset them, or go off the rails or anything, I'm just beginning to resent second guessing everything.

I'm not sure that I'm making any sense - and I'm on my phone so can't scroll back. But AIBU to wish that my brother would stop being so bloody thoughtless and give me a bit of space to do what my family (by that I mean, DH, DCs & I) need without having to worry about it adding extra upset to my parents?

I sympathise, vvv, I'm the 'good' child too, our brothers and the family dynamic sound very similar. I'm interested in the part where you say you wish that you could do what your [own little] family need without upsetting your parents, what sort of stuff do you mean?

I can understand a little when a child but why would an adult with children of their own allow their behaviour to be defined/controlled by some artificial construct of being the ''good'' child.

Why are you that ''afraid'' of upsetting your parents ?

Im also the good child there is 12 yrs between me and my sister and she still acts selfish runs up debts which mum bails her out , Its really draining isnt it ? and also my sister is treated like a little girl and got away with far more than i did , Im always the one who sorts things keeps the peace between my sister and my mum shes 28 going on 18 rolls eyes and yes im 40 but i do feel quite resentful about being the good one

There's no accounting for others behaviour Viola. You can't chane your brothers behaviour, but I do sympathise with you.

Complete opposite for me - I'm the one that always brought trouble to my Mums door, always the one that pushed the boundaries and always the one that said too much. Funny, really, as if there are any problems in my family, everyone turns to me to sort it out - I'm seen as the tough, level headed one, who always has a solutions. Sometimes feel like telling them to sod off and sort their own problems out. lol

You are me! My brother went spectactularly off the rails and still is twenty years later, and I felt too guilty to even skive PE in the sixth form. It's difficult. But if you are not naturally a rebel, just carry on as before unless it makes you unhappy, in which case, just assert yourself a bit here and there so as not to seem a pushover.

I even felt guilty when I went off work with stress once, at the trouble and heartache I would cause my mother. It's made me very self contained except on MN.

I sympathise. My brother has made some bad decisions and behaved like a jerk quite often. I'm a naturally sensible person and I've been lucky in some fundamental things. As a result, he labels me the golden child and his dw occasionally makes digs about how 'perfect' my life is. It is annoying, and sometimes I've thought I should just be reckless once in a while, but I could never worry our parents in the way he thinks is perfectly acceptable. It's just siblings and different personalities; nothing you can do about it. All families have their annoyances.

YANBU. I was always the 'naughty' one (read selfish, demanding, constantly causing upset) and my sister the 'good child'. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realised what a burden this was on her. She wasn't ignored but my folks had less time for her as I was always causing dramas.

Fortunately for her, I grew up and pulled my socks up!

You can only control what you can control. BE the 'good child' that's who you are, but also make time to spend time with your parents, and sometimes put your foot down that when you're together you don't keep going round in circles about your brother's selfish ways or the upset he causes. It will give you all a break from it. Stop trying to please everyone.

What is it you want to do or be that you feel you can't? Whatever it is, do it. x

ViVi - some of it's minor stuff: not go for big family dinners when DH doesn't want to, instead of talking him into it (although he's a bit anti-social at times so needs talking into it), fitting in with my parents plans at holiday time instead of doing our own thing. I'm naturally a people pleaser - and moreso with my parents.

And then there's the bigger things - I feel horribly guilty every time we leave the country, our wedding plans were influenced by what my parents would want (partly because my brother was monumentally selfish with his).

I'm not saying we wouldn't have done things this way anyway, it's just the extra layer of (completely internal - my parents never ask) pressure to conform with the 'good daughter' image.

Time to grow up I think. You are relying on your parents to give you your identity and it's sparing you from having to find your own way. That has worked for you so far but now it's limiting you and making you unhappy. It sounds to me like you don't know your own mind and you're blaming your parents for that. In some ways it's easier to stick to old habits than to change things for the better but in the long run it's not going to do you any favours.

You're an adult. You're not responsible for your parents' happiness or your brother's behaviour. Making them responsible for your internal thoughts isn't fair either. Live your own life.

I used to be a "people pleaser," then I realised that I was expecting everyone else to give me validation, praise and approval and I was a massive pain in the neck. So I stopped, and people respect me a lot more now. I'm happier, and my relationships are better. I hope you can do the same.

My parents have never once tried to stop my doing anything - but I find myself tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy & end up being unhappy myself.

You can't please everyone, do what you need to do to please those most important to you.

Cracking good post, Cailin.

Raspberryroop - it's a feeling of not wanting to add to their upset. When you've had your Mum cry down the phone over not being able to see her grandchildren, you just want everything else to go smoothly for them. It's part of my natural personality anyway, like I said I'm a people pleaser, it's just more pronounced when it comes to my parents I guess.

Does that make sense or am I rambling again?

To be fair, most people play some sort of role with their parents, whether they are fully conscious of it or not. I doubt any of you who are saying "grow up" are entirely free from parental conditioning yourselves.

OP, all families have their roles. I don't think that you're being immature to recognise that. If you want to change your behaviour, you will. If you don't, and continue going to lunches to suit them, it's because you are choosing this instead of other behaviours as it is more motivating for you for whatever reason. What's wrong with that?

I sympathise. It's like all the crap you can reasonably expect one person to put up with has been earmarked by your sibling, and if you were a pain as well it would just be too much, and you would be very mean and unreasonable to inflict that 'straw that broke the camels back' on your parents.

FWIW, my parents never even knew when I was off work for 6 months with depression, I just didn't feel that I had any right to impose my embarrassing uselessness on them or demand their help when my bro never stopped demanding.

Heartily agree with callindana, you are not responsible for their happiness. Try to be more assertive - make plans and let your brother know what they are - then it's his choice whether to fit in with them or not. You are the one who's upset by his behaviour, not him - since it seems unlikely that his behaviour is going to change you need to change the way you react to it. It sounds as though you're all jumping through hoops to pander to him, the question is why?

My brother was also a sodding nightmare to my parents, partly through ill health partly through sheer bloody minded selfishness so I can sympathise.

Funny how many posters' brothers were a complete pain. I wonder how much of that was parental projection You seldom hear of the adult brothers being the "people pleaser" though maybe it's just talked about less.

Your mother is engaging with you as a fellow adult - telling you her worries and getting support from you, but you're not engaging with her in the same way. Is that because you feel she wouldn't respect your point of view?

I had similar with my sister, Mum died years ago and now Dad is dead I take great pleasure in never having anything to do with her again, ever. I didn't even speak to her at his funeral I was so angry with her for the way she treated him.

Funny how many posters' brothers were a complete pain. I wonder how much of that was parental projection You seldom hear of the adult brothers being the "people pleaser" though maybe it's just talked about less.

I think im in the minority with a sister although she was spoiled rotten and still is , caused my mum no end of grief with debts partying more debts partying putting herself in dangerous situations because of her partying , the girl has no bloody filter , ( oh im on a rant now )

It is very hard, even as a mature adult, to get around deep-set familial expectations of behaviour. My younger sister is very spoiled and we are all supposed to tread on eggshells around her. Frankly, I got fed up long ago but my mother, who continues to spoil her rotten, gets cross with me when I refuse to go along with the eggshell-treading custom.

Rant away, MrsJay!

Do you have a brother too?

My observation is in no way meant as any disrespect towards boys or men, of course.

Ariesgirl - my DB is very much a people pleaser. I guess I'm the independent, bit of a troublemaker, very headstrong one, but am called in to help when things are breaking down and people need their heads knocking together to get the situation sorted out .

Much easier to have roles when there's quite a few siblings though. My DB was able to take a bit of a back seat for a bit to get himself together and one of my DSs stepped in (another people pleaser).

It's incredibly frustrating! My sister has a terrible marriage - how could it be otherwise, since her expectations of total cushiness are so ridiculously high? And yet my mother completely fails to see that she (a) set my sister up for disappointment by spoiling her rotten throughout her childhood (b) perpetuates the problem by listening to and sympathising with my sister's eternal mopes and groans about the normal course of life...

How do you know your parents are good people? My sister has always been cast in the role of 'the bad one' and me 'the good one'. My sister is abrasive, snappy and won't take shit. I just let my mums 'foibles' go over my head. I found out recently that my mum beat my sister up when she was 16 and then badmouthed her to the rest of the family. So I'd say she's got a fucking good reason to be 'the bad one'. I'm not saying your parents have do e this or anything as bad, just a different perspective. My childhood was happy, I don't think my sisters was. And we're twins so it shouldn't have been that different.

CailinDana - I can see where you are coming from, and I can see how it might look that way. I think I may have missed some things out - Mum & I have a very adult relationship and I don't define myself solely as her child. I just find that there's a pressure that comes with being identified as 'the good one'.

I will admit to having to learn to stand up to her sometimes when it comes to arrangements - DH has helped with that .

Maybe I do need to look at things a bit closer...