to sometimes resent being the 'good' child

[vvviola]

My brother has, yet again been totally selfish and thoughtless and upset my parents. This is an ongoing thing, not helped by SIL who seems to go out of her way to encourage him to upset them. What has exactly been done is kind of irrelevant, and is just one in a long series of thoughtless behaviour - but the upshot of it all is that they are essentially denying my parents a relationship with their grandchildren.

My parents are not monsters - they are lovely people. Yes, Mum can be a bit overbearing at times and Dad is a little absent minded, but I see what incredible grandparents they are to my two and I just don't get it.

The problem is, as a result of all this I seem to have been cast in the role of the 'good' child. The one who doesn't cause trouble, who can be relied on to do the right thing for the family (my brother had a troubled time as a teenager, as a result I felt I couldn't burden my parents with any more trouble - I don't think I so much as got a single detention in school). My parents have never once tried to stop my doing anything - but I find myself tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy & end up being unhappy myself.

I'm just getting a bit weary of being expected to be 'good' all the time. Of hearing from my parents friends "at least you wouldn't do that".

It's not that I intend to upset them, or go off the rails or anything, I'm just beginning to resent second guessing everything.

I'm not sure that I'm making any sense - and I'm on my phone so can't scroll back. But AIBU to wish that my brother would stop being so bloody thoughtless and give me a bit of space to do what my family (by that I mean, DH, DCs & I) need without having to worry about it adding extra upset to my parents?

Who identifies you as "the good one"?

I've had that with my Mum too, vvv. Heartbreaking It makes you vow never to do anything yourself that might cause that kind of upset to her. I live by this, but I try not to take it to the nth degree. I'm no support to her if I'm not happy in the life I'm living.

Don't give yourself such a hard time, OP, I think if you slowly and gradually introduced decisions which might not be so in line with the 'good child' role, e.g. one year taking a short holiday that was not so commensurate with your parents plans, or on occasion declining an invite to spend time with your parents when its not convenient for you, they will gradually get used to it and you will find a balance which works for you all.

Sodding brothers

I could have written a certain amount of that myself.

I tried one time a few years ago stating my point of view after I had been expected to change my (and the dc's) plans three times to fit in with db being deliberately awkward... as dm admitted he was. Dm respose.... don't say it too loudly because db might be upset. Gave up at that point, apparently it was irrelevant that I was upset.

QNT - I know my parents are good people because I know them. My brother and I are close in age and I saw everything that went on. His troubled time as a teenager was not as a result of anything my parents did - in fact he seems to hold it against them for trying to help him. No, they aren't perfect, who is? But they are good people who tried their best. DB has actually got more self-absorbed over the years and I think SIL encourages it.

DeWe, I think you touched on something important there. Parents should treat their children as equally as possible, and not prioritise one sibling's feelings over another. Parents that do that are being unfair and the sibling who tiptoes around insensitive parents is being a mug IMO.

Everybody fits into roles with their family to some extent, but I think you need to pick something and do it your own way instead of trying to second-guess what will cause them the least trouble. You may well find that they are totally fine about it when you say "Actually, we're planning to do x this year" - they might even (sorry to say it) actually prefer you not to bend over backwards quite so much of the time. I have a relative who spends so much time "not being a bother" that its a total PITA and I wish she'd just say what she wants for a change.

Even if they don't feel that way, I'm sure they'll find it easy enough to adjust to you doing things your own way, and once you've done it on one issue it'll be easier next time. That doesn't mean ignoring their needs and wishes to do exactly what you feel like at all times, but there is plenty of middle-ground if you take a few little baby-steps away from total people-pleasing. It's a tap you can turn a little or a lot, it won't break off if you dare touch it and flood the place!

vvviola - I think Calin's initial post is it - as an adult we have to be responsible for how we feel and we also have to let others be responsible for how they feel.

I could write an essay on this. Though in my family it had the twist of ny sister being seen as the responsible considerate one...hahahahaha.

CD - my parents friends, other family members, my own friends. I suppose the words 'good one' may not have specifically been said - but I get quite a lot of 'at least your parents have you' 'I don't know how you and your brother are so different', that sort of thing. I've talked about it a bit with my Mum - more in relation to my behaviour as a teenager, but she would never have really identified me as such. Maybe as 'the reliable one'. Although she does like to tell the story of the only time I ever got grounded (for staying in school to study!)

I sympathise OP, but I wonder how this looks from your DB and his wife's point of view.

My BIL is the 'good son', always does as he is expected, plays the game. My DH refuses. He wishes to have his own life and won't do what is expected of him if it doesn't suit him.
This has always cast him as the 'bad son', the difficult one. Yet really, he is just extremely independent and wants to lead a very diffeeent type of life to his parents and brother.

I'm sure my BIL thinks DH is horrible, but he's not. He's just not the dutiful son.

And I would also say that in terms of happiness, DH is very much so, yet BIL is not.
His endless people pleasing has resulted in a divorce, a difficult relationship with his DD, a difficult relationship with his brother, remaining in a job he doesnt like. To be honest, living a second best life.

Dh has gone for it, no matter what his parents thought and is much more settled and successful both in terms of work and interpersonal relationships.

It still sounds to me like you're defining yourself by what other people think. You're blaming other people for making you feel a certain way which is normal, but something you need to grow out of as you get older. It's time to start trying to be your own person and to get away from needing other people's approval.

Being a "people pleaser" isn't a good trait IMO. It implies that you place very little value on yourself and that you tend to do things you don't really want to do for fear that people won't like you any more. It can be very tiring being around a "people pleaser" as they don't tend to stick up for themselves so you never know when you're pissing them off and when they're doing something just to keep you happy. Most people prefer to be friends with someone who'll be honest about how they feel.

Wordfactory - I can see what you mean, but a lot of it is just pure selfishness and thoughtlessness. I don't think I 'play the game' as such - I just take people's feelings into account, whereas he just doesn't seem to. (and it's not just my parents - I've been on the receiving end of it recently too, as have other family members)

We both live in different countries to my parents - so a lot of it is about communication/allowing access to grandchildren when visiting, not so much about the day-to-day stuff.

I agree - there's a difference between being considerate and being a dorrmat. But it's a fine line to tread because if you give some people an inch, they take a mile etc.

DOORmat.

OP DH and I have had the accusation of pure selfishness levelled at us too.

It's simply a matter of perception imho. It is impossible to please everyone, I find, particularly if one wants to be true to oneself and be happy oneself.
Sometimes you have to, nay you must put your own happiness, or the happiness of your DC, or your partner, above the happiness of your parents. Reasonable parents understand this.

You find yourself discontented with the situation you are in, unsuprisingly.
You need to stop looking to your DB's supposed faults and carving out the life you want.

I think I'm going to go and mull over some of the responses (especially yours CD - there's probably a grain of truth in there). I'll probably be back in a while once I've had a chance to think (and once I've managed a bit of housework to bring the chaos under control - Mum arrives in a few days for a visit )

From her posts, the OP does not especially strike me as an out-and-out people pleaser per se. More someone bending over backwards to spare her parents more heartache.

Like AMum and I said, all you need to do is find a balance between your own needs and being the best support possible for your parents. Tricky, but possible.

I am both the "evil" sil for my dh's family they think he and I are selfish, refuse to spend enough time with his family, keeping his parents happy and the "good child" in my own. I feel personally that dh's family want too much of us - they orgniase far too many dinners and parties and expect to see us all the time. His sisters don't understand why we don't agree to everything, and why we insist on upsetting their parents. I see that we live our life and they get upset because we don't see them as much as they want, but we can't do that without sacrificing some of our own family life.

I think you need to disentangle yourself from this dynamic. Even though you're both living in different countries it seems like you're regularly caught up in big discussions with those around you about what your brother has done, how you wouldn't have done that and everything else. It seems like the same conversations are happening and everyone is engrossed with how bad he is- but if he's always like this then why continue obsessing over it! He's not likely to change and the situation isn't going to get better just because people are talking about it all the time. Time to start changing the subject during these talks with family friends and telling your parents that they need to take it up with their son rather than unloading onto you so much. I think if you don't you're going to end up still being caught up in this ten, twenty years down the line like people in my family.

I'm the same as you, OP.

My family was destoyed when my father died. I was 6, my sister 16. His death, naturally, impacted hugely on us both, but in different ways. She left home two years later and was free to be herself, slept around, cheated on boyfriends, but eventually married (tho' she's cheated on her husband). I was left at home with my mother, who was severely depressed and never had another relationship. I had to be the mature adult and the good child, which has lead to me having my own problems with sex and relationships as I can't trust people. My sister is able to speak her mind and causes upset to all and sundry, I keep quiet and just let myself be hurt as I can see how much pain my sister causes my mother. This has lead to my mother NEVER acknowledging that I can be upset, by her, my sister or anyone. This is causing me huge resentment. I can be in tears and be told by my mother that I'm not really upset (wtf?) but we all have to be very careful not to upset my sister.

Sorry, this is not making sense. But I do hate the fact that the odd times I want attention I'm ignored, yet my sister can be as selfish as she wants yet gets comforted when she clicks her fingers.

OP: YANBU

This could be me. Both my sisters were very difficult in their teens, youngest one the worse actually, and we as a family spent years walking on egg shells. Even now they are both very demanding, and if I stand up to them they get together and bad mouth me. My parents are getting on and though they can see this happeneing, they still insist we all keep tiptoeing around so that my two sisters don't get upset- they know what they are like when they do and it is not nice. Sometimes I feel as if they spend alot of energy not upsetting my sisters at the expense of upsetting me, but I was always the reasonable one, the one who could be persuaded to give in and so keep the peace. It is a shit position to be in. I now have as little to do with my sisters as possible. You can't sustain a relationship on this basis. I think you need to think of yourself, not be mean or rude to your parents, maintain the relationship, especially for the sake of your children, but just put yourself & your immediated family as a priority.

Wordfactory you may be talking about being a more independent. We're talking about being deliberately awkward. I was always the independent one who pushed the boat out in our family. But was still the "good" one who could be relied on to put my own wishes aside for a quiet life, so I was always the one expected to.

One example was going to see my dsis after the birth of her dd1. Dm offered to take over lunch and dinner so she didn't have to cook. I was staying with them with my at that point 2dc aged about 5 and 2yo. I didn't drive so dm was driving me over. Db anounced he wanted to go too. Fine. Dm says we need to leave at about 11:00 to get there for lunch. Db goes out until about 11:15 and comes back, insists on changing, having a shower and sitting down to leisurely have a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal before he wandered round a bit and eventually got into the car at about 1:00.

Dm wouldn't say anything, or leave him behind because he was "just trying to be awkward" and hurrying him up "made him worse". So entirely for him 6 people had to wait until gone 2:00 for lunch including small children and a new mother. He had his own car and could have driven over himself if we'd gone without him.

Oh and dm's first words when we arrived at dsis was "I'm sorry, it was my fault, I forgot the time."

It's partually about expectations. Dm expects me and dsis to help, so if we load the dishwasher and do the washing up she'll say "Thanks" but that's as far as it goes. Wasn't very long ago she phoned me up to say with great excitement db was getting so much nore helpful... he usually remembered to bring his plate back to the kitchen after eating rather than leaving it where he'd eaten. . He's in his 30s btw.

"Sometimes I feel as if they spend a lot of energy not upsetting my sisters at the expense of upsetting me, but I was always the reasonable one, the one who could be persuaded to give in and so keep the peace. It is a shit position to be in. I now have as little to do with my sisters as possible. You can't sustain a relationship on this basis."

My feelings too, LizzieMo

i too am the 'good' or 'easy' child, but my parents are pretty easy to please, all that means in my family is that i remember birthdays, send presents, and visit or phone occassionally (my brother doesn't manage any of those things)... none of them are things i wouldn't want to be doing anyway. nobody in my family walks on eggshells for anybody else.