to sometimes resent being the 'good' child

[vvviola]

My brother has, yet again been totally selfish and thoughtless and upset my parents. This is an ongoing thing, not helped by SIL who seems to go out of her way to encourage him to upset them. What has exactly been done is kind of irrelevant, and is just one in a long series of thoughtless behaviour - but the upshot of it all is that they are essentially denying my parents a relationship with their grandchildren.

My parents are not monsters - they are lovely people. Yes, Mum can be a bit overbearing at times and Dad is a little absent minded, but I see what incredible grandparents they are to my two and I just don't get it.

The problem is, as a result of all this I seem to have been cast in the role of the 'good' child. The one who doesn't cause trouble, who can be relied on to do the right thing for the family (my brother had a troubled time as a teenager, as a result I felt I couldn't burden my parents with any more trouble - I don't think I so much as got a single detention in school). My parents have never once tried to stop my doing anything - but I find myself tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy & end up being unhappy myself.

I'm just getting a bit weary of being expected to be 'good' all the time. Of hearing from my parents friends "at least you wouldn't do that".

It's not that I intend to upset them, or go off the rails or anything, I'm just beginning to resent second guessing everything.

I'm not sure that I'm making any sense - and I'm on my phone so can't scroll back. But AIBU to wish that my brother would stop being so bloody thoughtless and give me a bit of space to do what my family (by that I mean, DH, DCs & I) need without having to worry about it adding extra upset to my parents?

maybenow - if there isn't anyone demanding or difficult in your family, it may mean that you had ace parents who managed the different children they had with aplomb. Or it may mean your parents got lucky and had nothing but amenable children!

The thing is though, difficult is all about perception isn't it?

DH's parents and brother would most definitely say DH and I are difficult. But from our persepctive we're not deliberately trying to upset anyone we just want to live our lives very differently.
Sadly, our decisions sometimes do upset the wider family, but we figure that is their problem not ours iyswim.

To some extent, doing things differently to the way your parents have always done things can be construed as "difficult" by them. My sister, for example, who is highly demanding is also very into family tradition and brings her children up in ways that gain a lot of affirmation from my parents. The problem is that her particular style of upbringing does not fit into the society in which she lives and causes her no end of hassles. My mother sympathises; I say, get real! And I know I am right about that - bringing up children who cannot fit in anywhere and need a tailor-made world is not doing them any favours.

It's funny how parents so often view things as rejection and critisism.

My in laws can find perceived slights in everything from our choice of floor covering to where our DC go to school.

To be fair, my own Mother and extended family were similar but I have worked on managing their expectations of me. They now see me as a bit potty rather than deliberately awkward.

DH has never succeeded in making his parents see it this way. Though he hasn't made that much effort to be honest. He figures they can like it or lump it.

Unfortunately sometimes it's about perception. Sometimes however it is.

I'm sure my db would say he wasn't trying to deliberately upset anyone, but sometimes his actions are unreasonable. He would figure it was other people's problem because he has not learnt to take responsibility for the effect his own actions have on other people.

Sometimes it is not!

But DeWe in the example you gave, I thought your DM was every bit as culpable as your brother.
Quite simply at 11am she should have set off.
She had no excuse not to.
Your brother was being an arse and she was being a greater arse for waiting for him.

So the percepption that this was entirely your brother's fault isn't accurate imho.

Do you think your brother and his wife could be trying to protect their children from your parents? You feel they are fine - a bit overbearing - but your feelings and actions suggest that actually, they arent. Could it be that you are conditioned to see your brothers actions as selfish when they are just the actions of someone who doesnt want to live his life on his parents' terms?

I have to agree with wordfactory DeWe - your mother's behaviour was just as unreasonable and unacceptable as your brother's. Perhaps if she stood up to him once in a while he would have more respect for her and stop treating her like shit.

Well, yes, I totally agree that it is dm's fault too, as she would too, just unwilling to do anything about it... because he would strop off, she would cry. Sigh.

But he is guilty too. He knew perfectly well because dm had told him before he went out exactly what the situation was and he chose what he did knowing that it was putting a lot of people out. Just because he'd got away with doing similar things before didn't make it right to do it again.

Wordfactory seemed to be saying that it is only other people's perception of actions being difficult, people aren't really difficult. The point I was trying to make was that you can believe with your whole heart that you are being perfectly reasonable, but that doesn't necessarily make it so. I'm sure if he'd been challenged he would have justified every delaying tactic he used.

To paraphrase "Some are born difficult, some achieve difficultness and some have difficultness thrust upon them." If there is a word difficultness.

"It's funny how parents so often view things as rejection and criticism. My in laws can find perceived slights in everything from our choice of floor covering to where our DC go to school."

LOL you are so right. My mother brought up her two daughters to have an expensive and élite education in view of prestigious career paths. However, when I did actually go down the prestigious career path route, she took that as a rejection and criticism of her own life choices and greatly favoured, encouraged and subsidised my sister's choice not to work and to have many children early on!

OP When you've had your Mum cry down the phone over not being able to see her grandchildren, you just want everything else to go smoothly for them.

IMO - you should not be having this conversation with your DM. She needs to go elsewhere for support. If not your DF then a friend or counselling. You should not be in this role for your DM. No wonder you feel pressure to be "good" - not cause any trouble/fit in with everything etc.

I think you need a boundary that says that you'll only listen to your DM talking facts about your DB - rather than her feelings wrt to him or "why doesn't he do XYZ" etc. Also these "facts" should not be veiled invitations to engage on the topic.

So "DB called today and he and his family have had a nice time at the seaside" = OK. "DB called today and he and his family have had a nice time at the seaside. I wish we could go to the seaside with them..." = Not OK.

Also don't engage with any friends of your parents talking about "how different" you are and "isn't it awful that your DB is upsetting your DPs". Think of something neutral to say "eg I have my relationship with my DPs and my DB has his" - a politicians answer if you will.

Were these friends of your parents making "helpul remarks" when you were younger.

I would think that the fact that you have to be careful to fit in with DPs expectations shows that this is not all your DB's fault.

I got used to blowing off the questions from my Dad like 'Have you heard from your sister?'. I just said it was highly unlikely she would call me as the last time we spoke she hung up on me and then suggested he give her a call if he wanted to. I did this every time he asked, which was most visits. I basically refused to get involved with it any more as I could not persuade her to treat him properly and I could not convince him to refrain from asking me to intervene. For my own sanity I removed myself, but I did promise myself that after he went I would never ever speak to the bitch again. No loss to me, I have effectively not had a sister for the past 30+ years and so I am used to it.