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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a coil fitted, even though DH doesn't want me to?

52 replies

CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 07:51

We've had two delightful DCs in less than 18 months. I was very ill during and after both pregnancies and really feel as though I couldn't cope, health-wise, with a third - and my GP keeps telling me that I 'need' to stop at two. Work tried both times to sack me for being pregnant, and I know that despite all equalities legislation out there, another maternity leave next year would mark the end of my career prospects.

DH wants another two children. Preferably next week. And whereas he's not locking me in the house to prevent me from going, he is making very clear how upset he is that I plan to attend today's coil fitting. He won't use any other form of contraception either, and I can't take the Pill because of medical issues.

AIBU to have the coil put in, despite him?

OP posts:
afishyweddingfairy · 29/11/2011 07:54

I don't think YABU, particularly as the coil isn't a permanent method of contraception. Having a child is a decision that needs to be made together so if one of you isn't on board then contraception really is a must. Taking into account your medical issues you are being even less U. Your DH, however, really is.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 29/11/2011 07:57

Well tell him it's either that or no sex for the foreseeable future!

You could reassure him with the fact that with a coil your fertility returns straight away as soon as you have it taken out, so if you do decide to try for no.3 one day it won't be a problem.

Good luck today! I have a copper coil and am v happy with it.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 29/11/2011 07:57

Well tell him it's either that or no sex for the foreseeable future!

You could reassure him with the fact that with a coil your fertility returns straight away as soon as you have it taken out, so if you do decide to try for no.3 one day it won't be a problem.

Good luck today! I have a copper coil and am v happy with it.

ZacharyQuack · 29/11/2011 07:59

Can you take your DP along to see your GP, so he can hear exactly why it is recommended that you stop at two?

If there are real risks to your health and your DP still want to breed from you, then you need a serious talk with him.

Anyway, regardless of health issues, if you don't want another child then of course you should take steps to ensure that your contraception is covered.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2011 07:59

I would ask him whether he remembers how ill you were and, if he does, why he is behaving like a wanker.

SnapesMistress · 29/11/2011 08:04

He is being a twat if there are medical issues. Why not take him along with you to the gp to talk through what more children may mean to you?

Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:07

His response to the health issues is to offer to organise the best possible antenatal care (which thankfully we can afford - if I don't lose/leave my job) but really, I don't don't don't want another pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:10

The problem is, I have a particularly rare medical condition so the risks are not really understood by anyone - so essentially, the only reason doctors have recommended me not to get pregnant is that they don't know whether I'll be OK, not because they know that I won't. And DH, as an academic, knows that.

OP posts:
MrsMuddyPuddles · 29/11/2011 08:14

Has your DH been along to any of your appointments, to hear from the doc first hand about the need for a break? Is he by chance religious or has a moral objection to contraception?
this is a tough one, as it's ultimately your body so it's ultimately your choice, but it affects him, too. It's a shame he didn't manage to accept the reality of your situation before the appointment was made.

wheredidiputit · 29/11/2011 08:15

So he would rather risk your life and make you have at least 2 more children rather then you have a coil fitted and be around for the 2 children you already have.

AntiqueAnteater · 29/11/2011 08:16

a coil isnt permanent

you can have it taken out any time if you decide on more kids

he is being an ignorant twat

leave the bastard

frikonastick · 29/11/2011 08:16

wow.

is there more to this? i only ask because i am just amazed that your husband seems to be completely disregarding you and invalidating your very reasonable desire to not get pregnant.

i mean, obviously he wants you to be the mother of his children, so that implies that he loves you and respects you. but his current behaviour certainly puts the lie to that.

Callisto · 29/11/2011 08:19

Actually, your husband sounds amazingly selfish. He wants two more children, regardless of how that affects your health. Does he just see you as a baby-machine with no will of your own? And the fact that he refuses to use contraception despite you having 2 babies in 18 months, making yourself seriously ill in the process, speaks volumes about his attitude. I don't know what to say really, but you are certainly not being unreasonable in the slightest.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2011 08:21

I would be tempted to suggest that it is either the coil or permanent sterilisation.

Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:21

I keep telling him that a coil isn't permanent, and I've promised that I'll get it taken out the minute my health improves - I'm sure the GP would agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:25

Grin Ooooh I might try that.

But really, I'm not averse to have more kids at some point, and I want to maintain the hope that I'll be better placed to cope with pregnancy in a few years.

I guess to be fair to DH, he is not forcibly preventing me from going. He would not actually stop me.

OP posts:
Callisto · 29/11/2011 08:27

Sorry, but if the only positive you can find in this situation is that your husband is not going to physically prevent you from getting a coil fitted, then I think you need to have a close look at your relationship with him.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2011 08:29

He is trying to manipulate you emotionally though. I bet there will be sulking about it for some time to come too.

Seriously, he needs to understand you need a break from pregnancy and that this is the better option when compared to permanent sterilisation.

Good luck :)

Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:30

:(

OP posts:
TheLastChocolate · 29/11/2011 08:34

Is there a chance he doesn't understand what a coil is, it's physical presence, how it works?

Is he a good father to the 2 DC you already have?

If DH doesn't want you to have a coil that is fair enough, but only if he knows what it actually entails, what it will mean for your physical and emotional health, not just because he's decided it isn't what he wants.

Tbh, it's you with the health issues, you who has had 2 babies in less than 2 years, you who would have to carry and birth the next babies etc. You choose.

openerofjars · 29/11/2011 08:39

Whose body are we talking about here, eh? The minute he can get pregnant, carry a baby for nine months and give birth, then he can lobby for more babies.
If this was me I'd be pissed off enough that he saw me as a baby machine, without his ignoring the health issues.

I think the bit about him being an academic is a red herring: my husband's a surveyor but it doesn't give him the right to decide where we live. If your DH was a consultant obstetrician it would still be your health and your body on the line, not his.

Get the coil and good luck with it: I had one, had it taken out when we decided together to TTC and am now pg again with a very much wanted baby, when both of us want it. I think you are very brave for wanting more babies when your last two pregnancies were so difficult but also very sensible for thinking a break is a good idea.

samandi · 29/11/2011 08:46

I guess to be fair to DH, he is not forcibly preventing me from going.

LMAO! Is he a "decent man" for not beating you, too?

Sounds utterly selfish and a complete nob to me. If you want the coil, get it fitted. What a no brainer.

Whatmeworry · 29/11/2011 08:50

Is this all about the regulatory "Bankers 4"?

Original poster
CoilOrNot · 29/11/2011 08:53

What a Bankers 4?

Really, DH wants 8 not 4. But even he accepts that age alone makes that unlikely without a few multiples (OMG please, nooooooo)

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 29/11/2011 09:05

Has he always wanted a large family? Is it what you planned when you first married?

He needs to understand that even if it was what you first agreed/talked of, circumstances change.

What would he do if you could not have any more children?