to have a coil fitted, even though DH doesn't want me to?

[CoilOrNot]

We've had two delightful DCs in less than 18 months. I was very ill during and after both pregnancies and really feel as though I couldn't cope, health-wise, with a third - and my GP keeps telling me that I 'need' to stop at two. Work tried both times to sack me for being pregnant, and I know that despite all equalities legislation out there, another maternity leave next year would mark the end of my career prospects.

DH wants another two children. Preferably next week. And whereas he's not locking me in the house to prevent me from going, he is making very clear how upset he is that I plan to attend today's coil fitting. He won't use any other form of contraception either, and I can't take the Pill because of medical issues.

AIBU to have the coil put in, despite him?

"Bankers 4" - it is de rigeur in the Upper Middles to have 4 kids and send them all to public school to desplay wealth and status.

i dunno, OP you seem very unconcerned about all the points everyone has raised.

You say that to be fair he is not forcibly preventing you fom going?

He is not being fair at all! My husband would love more kids (35 weeks with number 4) but I am getting sterilised after this be. He fully understands and supports my decision to do this. And I do not have health issues preventing me from getting pregnant! The day men can carry a child, grow it and deliver it is the day they have a right to decide what contraception the woman chooses.

This sounds like emotional blackmail to me and it is ringing huge warning bells in my head OP.

Please go and get it fitted OP and sod him. As you say it's not permanent and tell him to grow up!

Be = one.

Are you fucking kidding?
You can't take the pill
He 'won't' use condoms
You have two children incredibly close in age
Pregnancy makes you very ill

He is being unbelievably unreasonable! It's his way or the highway, basically, fuck the consequences to you! How would he feel about you refusing sex then? I bet he would make you feel bad over that too...but you are being forced to risk an unwanted pregnancy if you want to have sex with your husband. Oh My God. What a twat.

I would reread your OP - it is pretty shocking to read in black and white. NOBODY can force you to get pregnant if you don't want to. Two under 2 is hard enough!

If he is so desperate for children would he consider adoption?

(Think I know the answer to that one....)

Too much disclosure! You don't have to tell your husband everything. Don't get the coil this time around. Tell him you are not getting it now and sulk. Then book another 'secret' appointment and do it. He will be none the wiser. When you feel up to it, when you are totally rested and strong, Coil comes out and you can have the rest of your babies. I have had two babies in three years and I get horribly ill with hyperemesis. I have to take months off work for each baby. I don't have the time to argue with anyone who does not appreciate what carrying a baby does to my body and my mental health. No one knows it like I do. So I do what I have to. I got my 5 year coil fitted a couple of months ago and everyone is happy.

YANBU. Difficult as it for him to accept, you are not his baby factory and you have control over your own body. He can, of course, put his views to you but it is your decision to make and yours only. He should not guilt trip you, either. Unless he wants to abstain from sex forever, he has to accept that you will have the coil if you want it, end of.
I would seriously reconsider my relationship if I was with a man who thought he could tell me what to do with my body, especially as having more children will have an impact on your health and considering that you have only just had two. What a prick. What would he do if you couldn't have or vehemently didn't want children?

Two babies in 18 months is a lot to cope with even in full health, your reasons for needing a break are absolutely reasonable.

Go and get your coil fitted and tell him the longer he sulks about it the longer it stays in.

I think YANBU. However, if this was a women who wanted 4 but couldn't because of health issues people would be a bit more sympathetic.

Could you look at adoption or fostering? If you are not against 4 for any other reason that your health and he wants 4, there are other options.

I'd find it very hard to be with someone who wasn't listening to what I was saying and was trying to emotionally blackmail me into having children now that I (and doctors) felt would risk my physical and emotional wellbeing.

Surely any loving DP/DH would put their partner's welfare above any desire for more children?

Apart from the myriad of other issues - your body, your health, your mind, shared decisions, him being a twat (am fuming on your behalf) - there is one other thing that shocked me. He ideally wants eight children and yet he is an "academic" which implies a degree of education and intelligence?

Tell him to adopt if he wants eight children. Tosser.

Sorry, OP.

Wow, I wouldn't bother with the coil because i wouldn't be having sex with anyone who disregarded my feelings aboutn such an important topic.

YANBU and I would imagine that this will be pretty unanimous.

Mewli i think what your suggesting is wrong on every level. Why should she have a coil fitted in secret and why should she not go today? to make the situation with DH OK? If my dh was this stubborn and arse i would never back down. FWIW i wanted 3 babies dh wanted 2 I waited until those baby years were forgotten we discussed it again and am now having no 3 and everyone is happy. 2 in 18m is bound to make you want to take a break.

To me it is a joint decision to try for a baby, if one of a couple don't want to then contraception should be the responsibilities of both parties until they are in agreement. By opposing the coil and refusing to use other methods he is trying to force your hand.

I agree with those who say a serious discussion is needed. Make it clear that you are not willing to become pregnant in the short term so either the coil/no sex /sterilisation are the options left. See which option he then wants to go for.

Youtalktome, the fact that a couple doesn't agree on certain things does not make the other person wrong and evil. He has his reasons for wanting kids now. She has her reasons for not wanting kids now. They should agree to disagree. He may be thinking - just have these babies now and forget about it. She is thinking - no way. Why continually butt heads? I can feel ulcers coming up....

I find the OP really quite upsetting. What kind of relationship is that?

And to all who say a serious discussion is needed. Who says they haven't had one? And do all your husbands see the 'light' after the serious discussions. Or do you up and leave them every time you don't agree?

Mewli you are missing the point. Having a baby is a big decision for which both people are responsible & must be in agreement. In this case one person can't go ahead & have a baby so it is obvious that for the moment neither can.

Your solution - to basically lie to him - does not sound to me like a healthy relationship.

And yes DH & I discuss things and compromise - we don't discuss & then just go & do what we wanted to anyway. FWIW I wanted children for 3 years before DH was ready, we discussed & discussed and in the end I just had to give him time until he was ready. It never crossed my mind to lie to him.

I think, Mewli, that in this case he is clearly wrong for a) trying to control his wife's body and decisions and b) for not thinking that putting her health at risk is a problem as long as he gets what he wants. He has his reasons for wanting kids, fine, but ultimately it is and will always be the woman's decision to have kids/not have kids/have an abortion/not have an abortion/be sterilised or not etc. because it is her body & mind that goes through the trauma of it. His life and health will not be effected in any way as much as hers and she is not his possession to do with as he will. That's why people are saying they would reconsider the relationship, not so much because he wants kids and he doesn't but becaus ehe seems to have a total disregard for health, her feelings and ultimately her rights over her body.

Actually if my DH had such disregard for both my health and my feelings that he would effectively force me into a pregnancy that i didn't want then yes perhaps I would up and leave him, the compromise in this case is him agreeing to the coil and for a while whilst agreeing to discuss it when OP feels better about it, it's not like she is being sterilised. If we both wanted to buy different houses then perhaps we would have a serious discussion one of us would compromise and no i wouldn't leave him this is very different.

She has already said her job has been effected and her health what does that leave her, she isn't a baby making factory.

Yanbu. He sounds very selfish. Does he really know what the coil involves? Are there religious reasons for the lack of contraception? If not then I just don't understand his attitude. You are not a baby making machine. I have had a copper coil since the birth of my ds 8 years ago. It has been great, slightly heavier periods but that's nothing compared to the knowledge of no accidental pregnancies.

Well it would be a coil or no sex if i was you OP. DH needs to get a grip.