MIL obviously wants to see her grandson. Trouble is, we live abroad...AIBU to dread 2 week stay?

[Napdamnyou]

So she wants to come and stay for two weeks. My DH will be at work all day til quite late and so it will be just the two of us in the house all day with DS, who will be 14 mo at time of visit.

She is a really nice woman and has always been kind and thoughtful towards me. I have always enjoyed seeing her and when was in UK, pre-DS, would gratefully and happily attend restaurant meals, theatre shows with her with DH and FIL. We would see them 4-6 times a year, basically for cultural 'dates'.

What we've never done is be intimate with each other - my ex work mates ow far more about me- or even spend hours and hours together, just the two of us, without a meal or a play etc to discuss and our husbands there. So this is a big change. Basically she will be living in our open plan home and wanting to play with/feed/cuddle DS all day and has said she's 'keen to help' with everything (to do with him and keeping house).

Thing is, I feel kind of panicky and claustrophobic at thought of two whole weeks of this, (ok, DH will be there at weekends). Two weeks is a long time for any guest, especially one who doesn't really want to leave the house, and isn't really there to see the host, but the host's child, who is a baby! And there's nowhere to hide in our house!

I guess this is what havng a family means, other people have rights to your life and time because of your children?

But. There is literally nothing for her to do here (being the kind of lady she is) besides play with DS, indoors, and I am sure he will enjoy playing with her but he's still very little and after playing with anyone for more than 40 mins he just wants his mum, and he is still breast feeding and napping twice a day so a lot of time she won't have anything to do. And I'd rather she didnt start washing our smalls or housework, she is 71!

I haven't lived here long, we moved when DS was a few months, and I haven't really got a social network here. I have made a few mum friends, go to a few baby groups and have play dates but looking after our baby is basically what I do here, plus keep house. I am feeling very anxious about the visit, but I can't say no to it. I fear it will all go wrong, that I will end up snapping or getting upset and hurting her. She's so nice, but I just think the two of us living on top of each other like this is a recipe for disaster, I dint think I will be able to stand it!

We are not mother and daughter yet we will be living on top of each other in a way that I would find a strain even with my own mother (mum died a few years ago). And she does have some annoying habits with DS that set my teeth on edge (as I am sure I set hers on edge too).

I'm getting more and more stressed about it.
AIBU? is it just something I should suck up because it's part of family life?

Sorry stupidly long post

He can't take more than a day and a half. Is busiest time of year and he's still new to the office here ( we moved here cos of DH work)
And she has to come on the dates she's given us because of arranging care for FIL who is frail.

surely you can go out to the park/town, for lunch etc. Do you drive? You can visit other places for the day.

yes, it will be tough, but its only two weeks - it will go very quickly...

She actually sounds quite nice. Ok, she's not what you want long-term as someone who's of the same epoch, but I think if you can ignore the having to put on a good show for her aspect, you might have a better time than you thought you would.

I find 14month old difficult to remember, but is there some soft-play area nearby where you'll both be so preoccupied with darting here there & everywhere after dc that you'll find time slips by quite quickly?

I can't drive.
There is no park type things here.
It's a tourist place famed for its beaches. Cruise ships stop off here. There are restaurants and bars, (not really suited to food- throwing baby/toddler) and MIL has not worn a 'a bathing dress' since school. She won't do the beach or pool and DS, being 14 mo can't really do long days out anyway.

If we lived in Europe it would be fine!

I guess I will just manage, it's not the end of the world. My whole world has shrunk to DS since moving here and looking after him has been all I do, and it's been quite lonely and hard. Maybe part of my response is because I will have to make way for someone else to play, feed, cuddle him and I wont know what to do with myself! And there will be a bit of PFB sitting on my hands going on...!

Perhaps if you're sure of ground rules beforehand. If DP could say 'we're all so keen to do the right thing; we have some ideas of what we should be doing, but can you give us help when we ask?'

Can your MIL drive though? if she can, then she can chauffeur you around to places.

I recommend you to leave a number of books in her room so she has something to do that does not involve staring at you all day. Also, if she likes crochet/knitting, you could ask her to make some clothes for the baby. You could send her out to do some shopping while you breastfeed, or send her out with your baby for a walk. Ask her to cook you her favorite dish. Get some DVDs.

If you're new to the zone, then both of you could go out and explore new places. Even if she did not drive, surely you will have public transport, bus, train, taxi?

I understand it is a nuisance to have someone for 2 weeks, but you could actually use her in your advantage!

Are you being unreasonable - YES - you are being utterly silly.
The Grandma visit is a GREAT way to stamp authority on YOUR home for the people who live there all the time - by giving it up to someone who will stumble and get it wrong.

1. Grow up - what did you think it would mean when you became a parent ?
   Have you never watched a Christmas movie ?

2. She has done everytning you are about to do - you can actually learn a LOT from her and if you play it right you'll become the angel of the piece.

3. relish and look forward to it - she will be your best mate if you let her and don't allow the 'teeth on edge' things to dominate your thinking. Its only a couple of weeks and its a billion brownie points in the eyes of DH (cash these in as soon as she's gone).

You sound very "precious" about it all - what exactly are you scared of ? She can't judge you (although you may worry that she will - she can't - look what a mess she made of her son). Can't iron a shirt, can't find butter in the fridge, can't remember a single date on a calendar. Although pointing this out will put you at war with a formidable old harridan who knows tricks you have yet to learn... So say nothing - until she's gone.

Old people know a LOT. They are wise - like it or not. They have all the experience that you don't. They can teach (and generally insist on it). They can also teach you PATIENCE and TOLERANCE (because you have to put up with them) which are essential qualitites if you want to become a succesfull parent.

And think for a minute...
Did you love your Grandma ?

Have you ever stopped to think about why ?
Grandma is not about you - Grandma is about something else.
Learn now that your kids will have strong and important relationships with OTHER people.

Have a great fortnight - and a free baby sitter.

Hey! Paint your nails. Have a bath/shower that lasts longer than a nano-second.

Unless you really disagree on childcare, you'll find your common ground is your adoration of your darling dc

I feel for you, OP. We get long stay visitors too and I find them quite a strain. I am a great hostess for a weekend but any longer than that I find very hard, no matter how close a friend they are. When you live a long way from home, as I do and you too, visitors come for an extended visit.

My tips are to carry on doing what you usually do, so if Tuesday is a coffee morning with other mothers then keep going to that. Tell MIL that she can come along too if she wishes.

Don't feel obliged to entertain her every minute of the day. Find her some books and DVDs. Shut yourself in the bedroom for an hour at a time without feeling the need to explain yourself.

Another thing is to encourage her to go out solo. Show her where the taxis are, give her a map. That sounds very harsh, but my elderly PIL surprised me by being quite independent when he came out to stay in September. His visit was due to be two weeks long but he was having such a lovely time he extended it to four weeks! That was quite a long time actually. A lovely man, but all the same...

It will go quite quickly, probably!

Lol at mimimonty. Some good points there!

I didn't have a relationship with any grandparents as a child, so this is all new to me! The idea is strange to me that as I'm now a parent other people have right to come and stay and have time in my house with my child even though I dont really know them that well...

I think will be heaps easier as DD is older. Of course when he is a child a granny has a special place in his life. Right now he is still a baby so her visit won't mean much to him, this is about granny's (entirely reasonable) wanting and needing to see baby grandson, not about DS wants/needs. Or mine, obviously.

I think you are being a bit defeatist about this.

Of course a 14 month old can go to a cafe. Pop him in a high chair with a snack and a couple of cars or a board book and enjoy your coffee while the three of you chat.

If beaches are what's on offer then go to the beach. Mil can take a book or her camera and sit in the shade while ds paddles, digs in the sand and collects interesting shells.

What else do the tourists do? Where are you?

Thanks expat...I was going to cancel all usual playgroup stuff but actually I think I will go mad if I don't do some of them!

They are literally the only time I get out of the house and talk to other adults most weeks.

Thanks for replies. I have to go and settle DS and then go to bed myself now so won't be back on thread for a bit.

Is good to get feedback, I have been getting so worried about this visit.

Seriously, carry on doing your normal stuff. We've had so many visitors that if I didn't maintain my own activities I would quickly be back at square one as a newcomer without any friends or occupation here. Easy for visitors to think that you are just there to act as their tour guide and hotelier, but you're trying to make a life there.

Agree with the poster who said carry on as normal.

We've been expat for years, in several different locations. The first visit is always full of the showing around touristy stuff. After that I do my normal thing - I have to, I have 2 kids in school, a house to run and a DH who's overseas most of the time. I do my thing and my guests either stay at home and enjoy a different setting, or come with me and see how normal everyday life is lived in a different country.

x post SRE! :)

As I always implore people - think about it. You are going to be that MIL. I have three sons and am devastated to think that they will have wives who dread my visit and have their "teeth put on edge" by my habits.

My youngest is 3 months, but I still have the foresight to project into the future as a mother of boys. It always astonishes me how people are unable to do the same. Have a little humanity DILs!

Fair point Partridge, though I struggle with all kinds of visitors, not just the PILs. It's about living in close proximity to people for longer than you'd normally do if you'd not moved so far away that all guests come for an extended stay.

I really sympathise with you! Since my five month old was born we've had non stop visitors, including my mother in law. I was overwhelmed at first, trying to play tour guide and hostess with a new born.
My advice is to book a hair appointment or similar, express some milk and leave your son with his grandmother for a morning, once he is comfortable with her. I did this and it meant they really seemed to bond and I got some much needed me time. I think my mil appreciated being with him without me looking over her shoulder too.
Living so far away from family you become very self sufficient as you simply don't have anyone to rely on. I never seem To leave my son with his father as he works long hours, and when he is off we all want to be together. As a result neither of us were used To being apart.
I wouldn't say it was enjoyable having my mil stay for three weeks, but we all bonded and got to know each other much better.
The way I thought of it was that when my son has a baby I will want to visit it and get to know it, so have to allow my dh's mother the same opportunity.
I do have happy memories of the visit now, although of course there were times when I wished it was over!
Take lots of photos, your son won't remember the visit but you can put one on the wall and talk about when grandma came to stay. Living so far away makes family even more important and I am always telling my son about all the people who loved him enough to fly for 12 hours to meet him!
Sorry if I've rambled, am on my phone!

I do get that. But d'you know what - she is probably very nervous about staying on the OPs patch too. A little kindness goes a long way.

Absolutely agree carry on as normal - extended stays and visitors are just something you have to deal with when you live abroad. Actually with only one exception my visitors have always surprised me with their flexibility. It may just be your local supermarket but dont under estimate how fascinated they will be in what's different, costs etc it's like a mini version of your first impressions when you moved! (and yes this gets boring by the second visitor ) . And she may not have gone swimming since she was 14 but with lots of beaches who knows she may be inspired especially if adored GS is paddling about by the edge if it.

Oh and one last thought on 14 months, great age for kid to be centre of attention - you wait til kids are in school and you have to entertain visitors all day between school runs! Seriously get to know her now because you are likely to spend a lot more time with her in the future!