MIL obviously wants to see her grandson. Trouble is, we live abroad...AIBU to dread 2 week stay?

[Napdamnyou]

So she wants to come and stay for two weeks. My DH will be at work all day til quite late and so it will be just the two of us in the house all day with DS, who will be 14 mo at time of visit.

She is a really nice woman and has always been kind and thoughtful towards me. I have always enjoyed seeing her and when was in UK, pre-DS, would gratefully and happily attend restaurant meals, theatre shows with her with DH and FIL. We would see them 4-6 times a year, basically for cultural 'dates'.

What we've never done is be intimate with each other - my ex work mates ow far more about me- or even spend hours and hours together, just the two of us, without a meal or a play etc to discuss and our husbands there. So this is a big change. Basically she will be living in our open plan home and wanting to play with/feed/cuddle DS all day and has said she's 'keen to help' with everything (to do with him and keeping house).

Thing is, I feel kind of panicky and claustrophobic at thought of two whole weeks of this, (ok, DH will be there at weekends). Two weeks is a long time for any guest, especially one who doesn't really want to leave the house, and isn't really there to see the host, but the host's child, who is a baby! And there's nowhere to hide in our house!

I guess this is what havng a family means, other people have rights to your life and time because of your children?

But. There is literally nothing for her to do here (being the kind of lady she is) besides play with DS, indoors, and I am sure he will enjoy playing with her but he's still very little and after playing with anyone for more than 40 mins he just wants his mum, and he is still breast feeding and napping twice a day so a lot of time she won't have anything to do. And I'd rather she didnt start washing our smalls or housework, she is 71!

I haven't lived here long, we moved when DS was a few months, and I haven't really got a social network here. I have made a few mum friends, go to a few baby groups and have play dates but looking after our baby is basically what I do here, plus keep house. I am feeling very anxious about the visit, but I can't say no to it. I fear it will all go wrong, that I will end up snapping or getting upset and hurting her. She's so nice, but I just think the two of us living on top of each other like this is a recipe for disaster, I dint think I will be able to stand it!

We are not mother and daughter yet we will be living on top of each other in a way that I would find a strain even with my own mother (mum died a few years ago). And she does have some annoying habits with DS that set my teeth on edge (as I am sure I set hers on edge too).

I'm getting more and more stressed about it.
AIBU? is it just something I should suck up because it's part of family life?

Sorry stupidly long post

And when she's gone, OP, learn to drive.

I've lost count of the number of threads on MN where a challenging situation is massively exacerbated by the OP not driving.

Apologies in advance if you have a disability which precludes this.

I find this post so funny. I think I could of written it myself! My mum and dad come and stay with us every November. We are in Australia and they go back to the UK in the early hours of tomorrow morning. They have been here for 4 weeks.
I hate it. I love my parents but find it very hard when they come and stay. They are on holiday, I'm not. They are retired, I'm not! They use every cup in the house to drink lots of coffee and can't put the bloody chairs back round the table when they have finished with them. Although I work very part time I do feel that i am tiding up after them all the time. My dad has cooked once since he's been here. My mum not at all. They have done very little food shopping, they haven't babysat once for our ds. They have had there 6 and 8th birthdays since they have been here.
I haven't stopped doing anything but have felt I have had to entertain them while they have been here. My husband has been to sea so they borrowed his car for a couple of days. They haven't ventured far this year at all.
Make sure you have lots of wine in the house!!! Good luck

I read the post above & thought it sounded like something my friend could have said! And read it again & realised it probably is my friend! Hi Ben5! I have my two DSs sat next to me who were looking at pics of your DSs just last night!

fourarms think we need to change names soon! I should now be ben8!!!

Why the comment about her age?

I think you may be anxious and nervous. I know I would be, back in the days I was a young mother and didn't know my in-laws well. But think of her as a mother-friend and it will be easier. She is probably a little nervous as well!

Take her with you to the playgroups if it is appropriate...and go out for walks in the beach area, shops and so on. With her there it will be easier to do things like look in the shops. Maybe plan a project, like making a ginger bread house, putting decorations up, baking and freezing things for Christmas? Are there any local events coming up that you can go to with a baby? A winter craft fair at a church or something? I always find if I am doing something with someone, there are less chances of awkward pauses and time passes faster. Go outside and do a photo shoot of mil and baby for her to bring home to show fil and their friends? Take baby to see Santa somewhere?

Relax, and hope you enjoy the visit!

I don't like house guests, but I do think Yabu. What do you expect/want? You obviously live a fair distance, so a reasonable length visit sounds sensible for the travel.

I think that you are worrying unnecessarily and it is a good chance to get to know her properly. Two weeks isn't long. I would just carry on as normal, she may well like a rest while you go out. Give her specific jobs to do. She doesn't have to put on a swim suit to go to the beach. Surely DS goes to the pool and so she can watch him swim? If she won't then just go without her.
Just carry on with normal life and let her fit in, if she won't leave her at home relaxing with a book.

DH should take a little time off to see her too.

My MIL stays for a week or two at a time. We're very different -she's a traditional SAHM, I didn't just work outside the home, I travelled fairly extensively too until I started my own business. Initially she really didn't understand me.
Yet somehow we have come to love and accept each other and I'm sad that her increasing age means she's no longer confident to come and stay this Christmas (scared of snow/ice/cancelled flights etc).
She was tolerant of me, with a few grumbles and I was the same for her. She used to take herself off for a wander round the shops or to church. I'd make an effort to have one day where I would take her out somewhere. Otherwise we just lived our normal life with her part of it. The DC love their granny and so do I.
I have a friend whose mum can't come and stay with him (they live thousands of miles apart) as his wife won't allow it unless he takes a month off work to look after her. As his is the only salary coming in and his job is quite full on this is just not practical and so he doesn't get to see his mum. I think that's sad.

Sleep
We live abroad and my parents come for several weeks at a time, as do my PILs.

It is tricky but there are some things that you can do to make it easier:

1. Get out of the house - is there somewhere you can walk to? Then walk to the nearest cafe, have a coffee and walk back. Half the day is gone already.

1. Does MIL drive? Or can you take a bus to nearest town? Go and so some sight-seeing with her

1. Do your normal stuff, don't sit around all day. "Would you like to come with us to the mother and child group, or would you rather stay home and relax for a couple of hours".

1. Does she like cooking? Is there a particular dish that she does well? As her to cook one evening, and show you how to make it. I did this will MIL one time, and it was a fun evening.

1. Take the opportunity to leave your baby with her for an hour and get your hair done, or have a massage. Maybe she could even babysit for an evening so you can go out with your DH for a drink.

And learn to drive. It makes a HUGE difference, being able to jump in a car. Maybe you could take some lessons while MIL is there - since you will have free childcare.

I am a Granny and we are going to stay with our son and his family abroad soon. I can see it from her point of view. It is worrying wondering whether we will be geting in the way. We will 'go with the flow' to start with then gradually offer to help.We won't go barging in and taking over. My DIL has told me that she will be making the most of us being there and as we suggested going out while we babysit, I have told them that we won't want to be going out all the time and we don't need entertaining and they can take some time for themselves - going out for evenings together etc - spend some quality time together without worrying about the baby. Maybe you MIL thinks like this aswell. Try to see it from her point of view. Go shopping get your hair done, all the things you can't do while you are on your own with baby. She is his Grandmother he will be ok, she has done it all before. Make the most of it and you will enjoy.

Perhaps if you haven't mastered getting out and about and using public transport then your MIL can help find out where, how and when. If you are out doing something, then the time will go faster and your house won't get intruded upon as much.

Try and focus on the positives.

Have you got to know any local people who would like to take your MIL out for the day to visit some local landmark?

We have a similar issue here - MIL stayed for 3 weeks, step-MIL for 7 weeks (on and off). I found it hard 'sharing' my space - especially my kitchen. But it wasn't so much to do with them as with my naturally introverted nature - I find it hard to be around people all the time.

One thing I suggest, for sanity sake, is have a friend who will let you rant to them. MIL does certain things that drive me completely nuts. They drive DH nuts too, but if I say it to him he gets defensive (which is fair enough). They aren't major things, and certainly not worth getting into a fight with DH about. So, when MIL is around I have a friend who I meet for coffee and who lets me rant about her for the first 15 minutes to get it off my chest. And then conveniently forgets it all once I calm down and remember all the lovely things we are doing and how much DD is enjoying having her around

My MIL & step-MIL are both lovely people, but it's hard having long-stay guests. I'm looking forward to living near them. I know I'll like them even more when we see them more often but for shorter times!

YABU, though I do sympathise - we once had my parents stay for three weeks, plus my sister sleeping on the sofa, over Xmas, by the end I was ready to divorce the lot of them! If you move abroad then it's a fact of life that you will have to see GPs less often but for longer. Make the most of it and get out and about as much as possible. And there is no reason at all why a 14mo can't go out for the whole day, or in restaurants, etc. In the nicest possible way you do seem a little PFB/anxious about things, I found that parenting got a lot easier and more enjoyable when I unclenched and got on with my life, albeit with kids in tow!

Please don't set this visit up to fail before it starts!!

She sounds a lovely MIL & you have 2 of the biggest mutual interests HER own DC & yours!

She has said she is"keen to help" that means (to me) that she is aware that she might be a strain, & genuinely DOES want to help. As others have said use her as a chance to do all those things that get left with a little baby,leave her to play whilst you get things done/enjoy some baby-free time.

Don't be apologist that your life revolves around your baby for the moment, she might be happy to join in all the coffee mornings & baby group! Don't cancel anything & give her the option to come or (if she wants a bit of peace) leave her for a few hours to chill. When my mum visits my Sis in the US she parks herself in the sunlounger & leaves my sis to get on with life, joining in as she wants/is needed.

Why not invite a few of your new mum chums round for coffee after a day or two when she's recovered from the trip & got settled in, she'll enjoy being adoring granny!

Go with the flow & don't forget it's a new phase for BOTH of you in your MIL/DIL relationship, so you need to go slowly & explore what works for you both. Enjoy it!

"as I'm now a parent other people have right to come and stay and have time in my house with my child even though I dont really know them that well"

Downhill from here I'm afraid. In a year or two it will be his friends and their parents. Then his mates. Then his girlfriend...

Of course they won't most of them expect to stay for two weeks, but the result of having a baby is that you have to accept that this is no longer just your house: it is also his house for the next 18 years or so, and he is already growing into a person in his own right, whose needs are not necessarily the same as your needs. Compromise is the key.

I do think you underestimate the enjoyment a 14mo can get out of a doting grandparent. I was looking through my photos the other day and found some of ds with his gran around the same age: the sheer joy shining out of both their faces! Grandma is now a frail old lady in a nursing home, who will never travel to visit us again, and ds is a tough 11yo, whose main concern is his street cred, but it is still so obvious that they have a relationship that is all their own and above anything I will ever have with my MIL, much as I love her.

Suck it up. Seriously. My DD was born abroad. My Mum and Sister came over for a week once she was born and it made a lot of difference to me.
Both parents came at Christmas when DD was around 7 months old. That was tougher. The weather was roasting and it was ramadhan.
Since their initial visit, they've both been over for visits of between one and three weeks depending on what part of the world we lived.
Luckily, they are both easy going and it made a huge difference, I believe, to the relationship that DD has with them now that we are living back in England.
ILs on the other hand. Never saw hide nor hair of them which suited me.
And learn to drive.

Excellent points from cory. Your DC won't have the same feelings as you-it will be wonderful for him-look at it that way.

Hi, we do this often, MIL comes to stay for extended visits, one or two weeks a couple of times a year, which admittedly can be challenging.

But you have a great opportunity to establish this visit as a model of how you'd like future visits to go.

When my MIL comes, her focus is on her dgc, and I don't ask her to do any housework though she does offer to prepare dinner on occasion. I simply get on with it.

Since her focus is the dgc, it's actually a bit of a holiday for me. The biggest challenge is that sometimes her 'grandparenting' style is miles from my parenting style, and if it starts to grate I simply escape into town on my own for coffee or shopping with friends.

I keep reminding myself that this is her relationship with her grandchildren, it's not about me, and it's only a few weeks of the year. My dc LOVE her visits and are ecstatic about seeing her. I agree with cory's points above.

Don't sweat it, just get out of the way and take some time for yourself!

Thanks for good advice. I will be having my dad for a week and my sister for a week each before hand so I will get used to sharing my space (am private person and have been lonelyandbaby centric since we got here which is why my recent lifeline of mum groups has been so important to me). But dad and sister are happy to go out the house and entertain themselves - they don't want to juststayin and gaze at DS. That's the bit which is worrying me so much, because for napping, feeding, he really just wants mum, so there's only his playtime which she can share in really and that's about four hours a day. I dint want her to run about doing housework and washing and all the things I do- sh deserves a rest - but on the other hand, I'm realy flat out and can't do entertainment, as well as keep the show on the road. Is good to hear of other people's experiences.

Oh and he's a shocking sleeper so have been on my knees with sleep deprivation and just trying to stay sane since we got here.

just have her to stay, its 2 weeks. really, be kind and dont overthink this.

try and get some you time in aleave him a bit, hes a big boy now. go for a swim, shopping, whatever! send them for a walk and do a clear out

hes 14 months not 4 weeks so if he does nap is pram, well big deal?

agree with partridge, I have 2 sons. one day I will be the MIL!!!!