MIL obviously wants to see her grandson. Trouble is, we live abroad...AIBU to dread 2 week stay?

[Napdamnyou]

So she wants to come and stay for two weeks. My DH will be at work all day til quite late and so it will be just the two of us in the house all day with DS, who will be 14 mo at time of visit.

She is a really nice woman and has always been kind and thoughtful towards me. I have always enjoyed seeing her and when was in UK, pre-DS, would gratefully and happily attend restaurant meals, theatre shows with her with DH and FIL. We would see them 4-6 times a year, basically for cultural 'dates'.

What we've never done is be intimate with each other - my ex work mates ow far more about me- or even spend hours and hours together, just the two of us, without a meal or a play etc to discuss and our husbands there. So this is a big change. Basically she will be living in our open plan home and wanting to play with/feed/cuddle DS all day and has said she's 'keen to help' with everything (to do with him and keeping house).

Thing is, I feel kind of panicky and claustrophobic at thought of two whole weeks of this, (ok, DH will be there at weekends). Two weeks is a long time for any guest, especially one who doesn't really want to leave the house, and isn't really there to see the host, but the host's child, who is a baby! And there's nowhere to hide in our house!

I guess this is what havng a family means, other people have rights to your life and time because of your children?

But. There is literally nothing for her to do here (being the kind of lady she is) besides play with DS, indoors, and I am sure he will enjoy playing with her but he's still very little and after playing with anyone for more than 40 mins he just wants his mum, and he is still breast feeding and napping twice a day so a lot of time she won't have anything to do. And I'd rather she didnt start washing our smalls or housework, she is 71!

I haven't lived here long, we moved when DS was a few months, and I haven't really got a social network here. I have made a few mum friends, go to a few baby groups and have play dates but looking after our baby is basically what I do here, plus keep house. I am feeling very anxious about the visit, but I can't say no to it. I fear it will all go wrong, that I will end up snapping or getting upset and hurting her. She's so nice, but I just think the two of us living on top of each other like this is a recipe for disaster, I dint think I will be able to stand it!

We are not mother and daughter yet we will be living on top of each other in a way that I would find a strain even with my own mother (mum died a few years ago). And she does have some annoying habits with DS that set my teeth on edge (as I am sure I set hers on edge too).

I'm getting more and more stressed about it.
AIBU? is it just something I should suck up because it's part of family life?

Sorry stupidly long post

I agree, send them out together. Leave them together and go out yourself. You don't need to be there with him all the time.

I have realised why i am so stressed. It's the thin about not being able to leave them alone while I go out.

We will have to be together all the time he is awake unfortunately, because she is not going to be able to keep dead lifting or picking up from a waist bend or deep squat a 25lb toddler. He is heavy, only just walking and wants to be carried endlessly, she is a slight woman in her early seventies. I am a firs time mum but not a young one, am 41, and I find it exhausting. Have lost 2.5 stone just from rushing about after him all day and my back regularly kills me and I am used to haling him about. If she can't swoop down and grab him, or get him in and out of cot or pram, then it's not responsible to leave them alone together.
My dad and sister on the other hand are younger, stronger and fitter so can manage it.

This is why visit is very long and for a difficult stage, if he could walk about better or was younger and easier to carry it would not be such an issue. It's really really physical right now.

Anyway, some brilliant tips and advice and I will try to implement as much as I can. Thanks

Can you plan some walks and trips to local cafes?
Anywhere nice you can go to on public transport?

14m is a nice age in that you don't need to be tied to the house - tbh I never was from the start anyway - but can be out and about having fun.

Plan some nice treats for you too towards the start of the second week maybe - having your hair done, nails, a long bath, a quiet walk - and let MIL babysit for a little while perhaps.

If she can't pick him up - do you have a pushcahir she can use?

Or he can get used to climbing by her or onto her lap whilst she is sat down - maybe for stories or cuddles, etc.

Don't underestimate what a grandmother can do! They do have a certain magic with grandchildren, and a patience with sitting, reading and playing for hours that is well beyond me. You may find that you can indeed steal away for some time to yourself, whether out on the town or with a bath and a sleep.

"Be thankful that your mil is lovely. Could be like the witch that so many mnetters complain about on here."

Or could it just be because the op sounds lovely and thoughtful and wanting to do the right thing that the MIL also sounds lovely? We only ever see these women through the DIL's eyes.

Just a thought!

Have you thought what a different child your ds will be when he is 14m old?

They are so independent then. He will be running off everywhere, you may have given up breastfeeding completely or just maybe at night time and he will not be napping as much - not actually sure how old ds in now but even a couple of months older makes such a difference in terms of development.

DS will love to have somebody (granny!) giving him his undivided attention and YOU will have a life.

I think it sounds as if your son is your total life at the moment and you need to get out and explore - having granny could make this exploring so much easier - do we know where you live yet - I am imaginging sunny US of A am I wrong???

My MIL came for a month when my dd was 3 months. Yes, on occasion, it was hard work - days when I wanted to pass out on the sofa in front of daytime TV and felt I couldn't because I had to entertain, but on the whole, it was fine. I quite often took myself off to my bedroom and read, leaving them to play alone together, which my MIL appreciated - but I was there in earshot if needed.
It's not easy sharing your space with someone for an extended period of time but if you get on fairly well it will be fine.
But do carry on with your normal stuff. If anything, my MIL enjoyed seeing DD at her little groups - meant she could picture it when she got home, and imagine DD going to them.

You think your MiL is nice. You think she would like to be involved with your DC. Why not make the most of it and ask her to bath DC, change nappies, spoon feed, cook this or that? She might even offer. If she offrs, accept with alacrity. I loved doing all that for my DiL who put up with it loved having someone else around at the time so she could have a bit more rest.

Am in Caribbean. This sounds lovely and indeed it is if you are a tourist or visitor and like beach life. Which my other visitors all do and will happily take themselves off to snorkel and have sunset cocktails etc...but it is not conducive to life with small baby. During Easter til November the humidity, strong tropical sun and aggressive mosquitoes mean tourists stay away and locals stay inside. Mums with babies have to stay inside too. You can't walk about with a buggy like I used to do with newborn DS in UK. There are no pavements and babies do not like the beach. Toddlers can swim for short periods at cool times of day and hopefully at 14 months DS will be walking about and not need carrying or pushing and won't need as many naps and feeds...but since arriving in March I have been housebound, and have manAged to make a small group of friends by getting n local playmate email and going to pool at five each day and talking to everyone using it, including some mums.

MIL is so not a beach or pool person, she likes European city culture. She won't want to leave house or do things alone, there's no culture here, it's not even a pretty island with sketch able colonial buildings etc or history. It's a beach bum paradise with limited shopping. There is a place with caves and we will go there every day and I will keep on with playgroups etc and daily swims at cool times but it will be inside, with her wanting to play with DS all the time when she comes and I still think a fortnight of this is too long. I wonder if she will agree ten days? Soke to dad and sister and they agree (knowing her) that ten days or a week is more reasonable. But either way I will try to be graceful, although it will be hard sharing a small space - we live in an open plan bungalow - with someone who wants to watch me and DS and talk to me and DS all day and not do anything else apart from that.

I can see that she wants to drink up all the time she has, take a million Photos and will try not to crowd me...I think if we take it a day at a time we will cope and once again, thanks so much for all helpful advice.

Caves? Cafes, silly phone

Try and be positive about it rather than negative or you might be looking for problems even before she has arrived. We had the PIL's to stay for five weeks and it was great, a really special time as we don't get to see them much. MY mum died a few months later and I never got the chance to have that special, quality time with her.

Your child will be your common ground, let her be useful and have some time to yourself.

It's a very long way for her to come for just a week or so. I can understtand her preferring two weeks, especially when she is older. I'd not fancy a long haul flight for a short period of time unless I had to, and I am much younger than she is!

I think you need to just focus on the positives and what you CAN do, rather than on the problems. You seem to be very much saying what could go wrong; you need to turn it around so that you all have a chance of it going well.

Your DS will be 14 months old, a toddler. He will be napping less and will be becoming steadier on his feet, able to do far more. He'll be going longer between feeds and be able to enjoy playing much more.

How about coming up with some nice activities they can do together - simple baking, finger painting, water play (shady spot just outside with a bowl and some containers to pour water out of), reading some books, some stickers, etc.

Try and devise a little schedule for each day. List what activities you have already to do - play group, etc. And then see what else you can fill in.

Does our MIL enjoy reading? Maybe encourage her to bring some books so she can relax too.

Your DS is very likely going to love having his grandmother's undivided attention for those two weeks, I suspect it will be lovely for him.

But I am afraid that if you live abroad then surely you have to accept that family and friends will come and visit you and need to stay for a longer period of time.