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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a midwife shouldn't say to a woman in the middle of labour...

60 replies

Roseflower · 28/11/2011 22:45

..."So you'll be going on a crash diet once the baby is out then?"

Said while Im lying naked, in pain and feeling completly degraded in front of room full of people as it without this comment?

I gave birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago, and aside from actually meeting my dd I feel really sad this comment from the midwife is my overiding memory of dd2 birth.

Now, I fully admit I did pile on a lot of weight in this pregnancy and yes, I do need to lose it, but really- does this need to mentioned in the middle of labour? When Im in pain and feeling very vunreable and literally exposed?

And aren't crash diets really bad news anyway?

Am AIBU to feel upset at this comment?

If it's true I need to lose weight then should accept she is only pointing out the obvious?

I was really hoping for a postive birth experience this time round and I feel quite upset the midwife needed to say this tbh

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2011 23:01

Utterly dreadful and she sounds like she has some issues with weight. Did you complain?

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 28/11/2011 23:03

good god she sounds FOUL!
bloody nhs, I'd complain- why should women have to put up with that totally unhelpful BS whilst trying to do something that jolly fucking difficult?!

congratulations on your new arrival, I'm glad you had your ma and dh there to support you

(must take own advice and send my complaint in instead of sitting on it)

Original poster

Roseflower · 28/11/2011 23:03

I didn't complain but my mum has suggested I should.

Im not sure it's worth the hassle, but then again if she goes around saying this to other women...

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2011 23:04

perfumed you read my mind!

And, you can have exemplary care from people who all say the right thing, I did. Everyone was lovely and I am now friends with my midwife (lives in my area so know her separately to the birth IYSWIM).

Popbiscuit · 28/11/2011 23:06

That's awful, Rose. I can imagine she might have been parroting something she'd heard other (silly) mums say? Don't take it to heart.

Was it the middle of the night? The on-call obstetrician for my third baby made a silly remark about being "woken up and dragged out of bed" and told me to stop screaming because I would "frighten the other labouring mothers". Sometimes people say idiotic things when sleep deprived

Original poster

Roseflower · 28/11/2011 23:12

Well it was quite late (I can't remember the time but I imagine 2-3am?) so I guess lack of sleep could have contributed to her saying it...

OP posts:

aurynne · 28/11/2011 23:16

And here I was thinking midwives would be characterized by their tact, empathy and understanding, especially during a time in which a woman is extremely vulnerable and in pain.

I am retraining as a midwife starting next year. Reading MN will definitely help me focus in all the things I should NOT be doing/saying to the women in my care.

Roseflower, I am sure your beautiful DD will be very happy to inherit your loveliness and sympathy, and to avoid ending up a skinny bitch as your midwife seems to be. Congratulations!

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 28/11/2011 23:19

You should complain. It will give you 'closure'.

I complained 9 months after my daughter was born because I couldn't get over the way it had went, its really helped to know they took me seriously.

My postnatal midwife told me off in a really condescending manner for feeding more often than 3 hourly and said I would make my baby ill by doing so. She was a breastfed early onset jaundice baby! I was so confused and upset! Same midwife also refused to get me drink because I didn't ask nicely! (I said 'excuse me, could you do me a favour and get me a drink when you have a minute?' 'Cause I was breastfeeding at the time and had been on drips due to pph and dehydration.)

tethersend · 28/11/2011 23:22

Complain about this, no question.

Very unprofessional of her.

tethersend · 28/11/2011 23:23

For all she knew, you could be recovering from an eating disorder and her comments were potentially harmful.

Original poster

Roseflower · 28/11/2011 23:25

Will it really acheive much to complain though? They would probably take one look at me at say she was right to comment on my weight.

OP posts:

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 28/11/2011 23:27

They might say she said what she said about people's backs because of health and safety but not the rest. I bet I'm bigger than you but I'd still complain. Like I say it really helped me.

Knackeredmother · 28/11/2011 23:29

Leftmymistletoe: did anything come of your complaint?
Op: I am sorry this has marred your birth experience, I think health professionals can sometimes say things without thinking. Like others have said, some are just in the wrong job.

perfumedlife · 28/11/2011 23:31

I do think you should complain op. The comments I had are the things that stand out for me in an otherwise good labour. If it hadn't been for them, it would have been an excellent birth. These things let the midwives and the mothers down, they're so uncalled for. It's not really difficult to make pleasant chit chat, they surely know it's not a time for getting so personal, and if they don't,, they need training.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 28/11/2011 23:33

I met with the head of midwifery who, to be fair, was angry on my behalf.

The midwife was admonished and sent on retraining.

What I've mentioned wasn't the half of it tbh, it massively affected my breastfeeding, bonding with dd, everything. (They kept taking dd away so I could 'rest' even when I said I wanted her close to me)

Original poster

Roseflower · 28/11/2011 23:34

I am considering complaining after reading everyones advice

Yes, I need to lose weight but there was no point to her commenting when she did- what could I possibly do about my weight there and then? Though technically I suppose I did lose at least 9lbs 8 only a few hours later when gorgeous dd2 arrived :)

I did have many lovely HCP during this pregnancy, my consultant was especially lovely and am very grateful for the gracious and caring treatment I received by other members of staff.

I suppose Im annoyed at myself too; for not standing up for myself with her comments after I promised myself I would be stronger this time.

OP posts:

FontSnob · 28/11/2011 23:37

How very dare she. Cowbag! (her not you)

lovethislife · 28/11/2011 23:39

Good on you leftmymistletoeatthedoor pleased to hear that you complained.

OP sounds just so awful don't beat yourself up about not being able to complain. If you have the energy then I'd send in a complaint.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 28/11/2011 23:43

YANBU
Very rude of her.
Shocking.

Original poster

Roseflower · 29/11/2011 00:00

leftme so sorry to hear about your experiences too. I hope you and dd are doing ok now?

Thank you everyone for your support and thoughts

OP posts:

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 29/11/2011 00:11

But why were you naked?!

perfumedlife · 29/11/2011 00:26

Maybe op was more comfortable naked, maybe she had been sick down her nightie, maybe lots of reasons. Why does that matter? I hardly think a flimsly bit of cotton is going to make much odds to her modesty in labour when her nether regions are on full show.

I was naked in the birthing pool after a while as the top half was wet and making me shiver, seemed easier without it. When I ended up in labour suite having an epiduaral, the blood from that shot up and soaked my second nightie and I changed again. I wouldn't have noticed if the England squad had marched through the room at that point, much less whether I was wearing clothing.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 29/11/2011 00:29

I'm joking, Perfumed.

There's a very funny thread about women birthing naked further down the page.

posterofagirl · 29/11/2011 00:43

In labour my dreadful doctor repeatedly made negative comments about my weight ( I put on 6 stone in the last trimester) they were all true but I was rather busy at the time so not really able to start a diet and exercise regime!

When she kindly explained that it wasn't a big baby (DD turned out to be 9.2 so pretty big) it was mostly me, I very nearly told her I wasn't trying to push my fat out of my fanjo so it didn't really matter!

I still hate her.

Original poster

Roseflower · 29/11/2011 00:47

Sounds like our midwife and doctor had the same training poster

OP posts:

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