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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you think about young Christian marriages?

305 replies

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 28/11/2011 18:25

So over the last few years I've known a lot of young Christian couples who've got married at about 21-23 years old. The classic situation is Christian boy and girl meet at the CU at uni and then get married when they graduate. Obviously part of this is the belief that couples shouldn't have sex before they are married but I think another factor is that they have prayed through and considered their decision to get married and trust that if it is the right decision they should just go ahead and get married. There seems often to be a critical and confused response to this idea of getting married from non-Christians so I was interested to see the mumsnet response. I suspose the idea of waiting for sex and getting married young is something that a lot of couples did in the past and many of us have grandparents or perhaps parents who married young and have had very long (and in most cases) marriages.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 28/11/2011 19:59

Yes I see what you mean but it's an unanswerable question and frankly rather salacious (spelling?) Grin

AKissIsNotAContract · 28/11/2011 20:00

Jamie: some are happy to do everything bar vaginal sex. I had a friend at uni who used to do anal but still considered herself a virgin!

LillianGish · 28/11/2011 20:01

"Happiness only comes with lots of work, counselling and compromise" - I'd say compromise is at the heart or most good marriages. Not so sure about the counselling -I've always been quite happy without it. Are you American?

Serenitysutton · 28/11/2011 20:02

It's like arranged marraiges though- pretty low divorce rate (i imagine, don't actually know stats) as I get older I reckon my parents would've chosen a pretty great husband for me, the idea seems nowhere near as restrictive and controlling. You make them work.

racingheart · 28/11/2011 20:03

I don't think 21-23 is that early to get married. By that age if you really love and like someone then you are as likely to have a successful marriage as someone who meets the one (still single) at 30.

As to holding back on sex... Hmm... There are pros and cons. Shagging around isn't non-stop fun. It can be miserable and confidence-knocking and physically dangerous as well as knee tremblingly gorgeous. The best sex is definitely mixed with love, so being faithful to only one person your whole life doesn't exclude you from having the time of your life with them.

My misgiving about withholding sex until marriage is anecdotal but I know more than one couple for whom this was true: some religiously devout young people who won't shag pre-marriage are trying to persuade themselves against gay feelings. That can lead to real misery for both. Not a problem exclusive to Christian virgins, but it's one that might be less prevalent if there were a more relaxed attitude.

Teaandcakeplease · 28/11/2011 20:04

Yes you're being unreasonable to ask imo Grin I suspect this thread will kick off with those anti Christian and those who are heavy Evangelicals etc soon Smile

JamieComeHome · 28/11/2011 20:04

yes, sorry. Believe me when I say, I don't want details ....

ShellingPeas · 28/11/2011 20:08

I grew up in an extremely religious household (baptist). Pre-marital sex was frowned upon (not mentioned actually). My sister got married at 19, a virgin, divorced 10 years later. I married at 30 plus, not a virgin, having had many happy, happy years testing the waters, including a long-term live in partner. I'm still married 15 years later.

Is it to do with religion? Dunno. Is it to do with maturity and choices? Probably.

Serenitysutton · 28/11/2011 20:08

I don't personally see the point in waiting to shag If you're getting married anyway though- and I'll hope they don't expect too much bless 'em. But hard work and dedcation can overcome sexual problems they may have through inexperiance etc (and I wasn't a virgin but haven't had sex with anyone but m
DH since 19- it is meaningless that I wasn't a virgin because I can barley remember/ imagine sex with anyone else after all this time)

JamieComeHome · 28/11/2011 20:08

but ... the irony of anal sex being (allegedly) allowable is rather staggering

jcscot · 28/11/2011 20:17

I was young when I married (compared to most of my friends) at 26. We're devout Catholics and did not go against or "fudge" the no-sex rule. We've been married for almost 12 years and consider ourselves to be very happy. We were both 22 when we met and we got engaged after five months.

Someone compared this issue to the Army in that both groups marry and have children young and have high divorce rates. In that case, should I be worried as we're both Catholics who married young and my husband is in the army? Grin

Serenitysutton · 28/11/2011 20:20

Army has high divorce rates but Catholics are low! Puts you on a even kneel I reckon

jcscot · 28/11/2011 20:22

The good evens out the bad, eh? Wink

Teaandcakeplease · 28/11/2011 20:24

I grew up in a C of E Anglican church - nobody I knew did anal sex instead of sex until marriage Hmm Nor anyone I know getting married from church now does it either. And my friends and I were/ are all a fairly open and honest lot. It's not the norm in circles I've moved in and neither is divorce. In fact I'm the only one divorced in my very large group of friends who go to church. As my ExH had an affair. I actually feel like the odd one out tbh.

jandymaccomesback · 28/11/2011 20:30

DH and I were 20 and 21 when we got married.We were (and are)Christians and have been married nearly 38 years.All our friends who got married at similar ages at that time are still married. Does this prove anything? Maybe that shared values are important. Maybe that if you are committed to a faith you are more likely to stick at it. There isn't really any way of knowing.

Seona1973 · 28/11/2011 20:30

me and dh got together at Uni when we were 19 and are still together at age 38. Didnt get married until we were 26 so there was plenty of pre-marital sex!

Teaandcakeplease · 28/11/2011 20:34

Is the original poster new to mn? Has she been back again?

LillianGish · 28/11/2011 20:34

"Does this prove anything? Maybe that shared values are important." - couldn't agree more. Much more important than sex probably (see my previous post) - which arguably you could enjoy with any number of people whether they share your values or not.

CheerfulYank · 28/11/2011 20:41

I think it depends on the sort of person you and your spouse are rather than what religious beliefs you share. (Or lack of.)

My parents have been together since they were 16 and though it pains me to think of it, let alone type, are each other's only sexual partners. They wanted to marry at 17 and my GPs (all four of them, I think :)) wouldn't hear of it. My mother got pregnant with my brother at 18 and then they couldn't have been marched up the aisle faster. They're 51 now and still delighted with each other. :) They're religious in that they believe in God, but are not church-goers.

I was married at 24, three years after DH and I started dating. Some people thought that was really young, I just thought it was normal. Confused I've had sex with other people (before him obviously), he is devoutly religious and hasn't. It's just how things worked out. It was the right time for us for a lot of reasons.

BartletForAmerica · 28/11/2011 20:49

Marriages where people haven't cohabited already last longer than those of those who have cohabited.

We are both Christians, although didn't marry until our late 20s and late 30s respectively, and were both virgins on our wedding night. My close friends at church (not that we chat about it really, but the close ones I do know well enough to know this) were all virgins when they married. There has been one divorce amongst my friends, so that's one marriage out of (guessing) 20 or 30 that's failed since we graduated.

The thing that binds me and DH is our shared love of God, of Jesus and the Bible and we want to follow that teaching in our lives, marriage, family, work, everything.

twolittlemonkeys · 28/11/2011 20:50

DH and I were 29 and 20 respectively when we married almost 10 years ago. We had only been dating for just under a year. I don't for a minute regret marrying so young. I think if you come from a similar religious background, know that you share the same system of morals/values etc and both understand the serious commitment required to make a marriage work then you're in with a good chance of being able to go the distance. We both try to be Christlike in the way we treat others and in our actions - if both parties do this, it will increase the chance of success. We did pray about our decision, and both felt it was right.

No pre-marital sex actually meant that we didn't base our relationship on physical attraction or libidos, which can fluctuate and alter based on moods, hormones, child-induced sleep deprivation or any number of other factors. It was based on whether we were compatible in other ways.

Recently, I was thinking about the pros and cons of settling down with somebody whilst you are young and realised that the older you get, the more set in your ways and independent you become so the transition from being single to being in a long term relationship can be harder, if you are not used to compromising, putting someone else first etc. In this respect, I think it's actually quite a good idea to marry young, as long as you choose wisely and you are both committed to making it work.

I only know one couple out of all my Church-based acquaintances of a similar age to me, who divorced. The rest of them are happily married. Sure, everyone has little niggles, but they are genuinely happy in their relationships. Having come from a family background littered with divorces (my mum has married and divorced 3 times for example), I am very grateful to have married someone who shares my beliefs and I think that is what makes a huge difference in my relationship, as opposed to all the unhappy relationships within my family. Sorry for the long post Blush

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/11/2011 20:55

Hmm. Not sure what the OP is asking really.

Technically, DH fits the description. He's Christian, no sex before marriage, married at 23. OTOH I am, though Christian, very happy about sex before marriage and married at 25. We seem happy enough but (as DH knows), I think it is strange and pointless to wait until you're married to have sex.

NewsClippings · 28/11/2011 21:01

Not necessarily any worse than old atheist marriages.

CoteDAzur · 28/11/2011 21:03

I have nothing against marriage in your early 20s, but getting married to your boyfriend just because you are horny but think some deity forbids sex before marriage sounds monumentally stupid to me.

Firawla · 28/11/2011 21:04

I don't really think 21-23 is that young to get married, is it?? I don't really know any practising Christians but what you have described is very common with Muslims, and it works out fine for many people!
Me and dh got married age 18 (me) and 19 (him) during 1st yr university, no sex before marriage. now coming up to 7 yrs later, we are happily married still and got 3 dc, its working out well I would say, and many of my friends are married at the same age, no sex before marriage is the norm, alot of people hardly even talk to their husband before marriage, definitely nothing like 'no sex before marriage but really we will just do anal and claim to be a virgin' as that makes no sense whatsoever! Confused
I know people who have got married after meeting their husband once or twice, and a week after meeting them, which I think ties into the point which you said about they just trust in God and go for it..
Personally I don't see whats so great about hanging around til you are 30+, unless you didn't find someone good/suitable, if you found someone then why wait??

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