To think that if MIL wants to get to know DS better then she should do so, or stop saying it?

[stopcomplainingthen]

Bit of brief background. I have 3.5yo DS with DH. MIL is definitely of the 'hands off' GP variety. Fine. Not the sort to be chatting to children or take any interest in what they're doing. Again fine.

Despite this backdrop, MIL, since I've known her, has repeatedly lamented how she'd like to her her GC more (DH also has 2 elder children). Until our DS was born, this was easy enough for her to say because DH has limited access to the children. We've offered MIL on many occasions (including before DS was born, and since) that she is free to do stuff with the children/take them out whatever if/when she wants. She has never taken up this offer (btw she is active and able-bodied and doesn't work).

But what is incredibly annoying is that increasingly, she is recognising that DS barely knows here. It has always been obvious to me that he would hardly know her. After all, to him, she's someone who he sees fairly infrequently and when he does, it's over a mealtime in either her house or our's, where the conversation is of an adult nature and tbh, fairly boring.

As I said, MIL has never taken us up on the offer of doing stuff with the children. The only 'together' time she is interested in is either inviting us all up for dinner, or coming down to our's for dinner. If this is what she wants, then fine, but why oh why does she then seem to complain that DS barely knows her .

So for example over dinner yesterday. She was talking about what she'd been doing, film she'd just seen, what did we want for xmas, etc. I mentioned DS had been to the theatre with nursery. She just said 'oh that's nice' and kept talking about adult stuff. Then I mentioned his part in the xmas play and that he was really excited about it. She said 'oh' and kept talking.

Actually in writing this, I think that maybe when she next says this I should say something - maybe that he would know her better if she spent some time getting to know him? But this is likely to cause issues with DH as he doesn't like to 'rock the boat'.

If you confront her or challenge her this is likely to go off big time.

That's fine if you can stomach it and have dh's support but it doesn't sound like you can/do.

I'm inclined to say, it's her problem, her shit. She's unlikely to change, given that you have tried to find ways to bring her closer to ds but she's not taken you up on these opportunities.

I'd rise above it, tune out when she makes these irritating - and rather mystifying - remarks and celebrate all those in d's life who do know and appreciate him.

ds's life not d's!

Have you actually said to her "would you like to come to see him in his xmas play?"

I know you say you have offered for her to do things, but have you actually been more specific? Maybe she is hinting, and you just need to be more direct.

I had this with MIL, continually whining about how exhausted she was looking after the first born grandchild all hours. In fact, the only time she wasn't complaining about her exhaustion was when she was boring us rigid about the fabulousness of said first born grandchild.

DD is, unfortunately, second born grandchild, and it's been incredibly hurtful to see her so sidelined.

Like your MIL, there were constant hints and asides about DD 'not knowing her'. In the end it all came to a head and I pointed out how in good conscience could we ask her to babysit when she was constantly going on about being exhausted.

Things have improved, but I'd agree with Proudnscary in that your MIL is unlikely to change.

My ILs claim to adore my children - but the DC are largely ignored and don't see their grandparents for several weeks/months at a time. A stark contrast to their other grandchild who they see every weekend, take on holidays, pay for clubs and activities, give pocket money, hold parties at their house for and boast of their every success to anyone who will listen. We live the same distance from them as the favoured GC, so it's not that they are closer or anything. I have the same problem as you OP - DP won't mention it because he doesn't want to rock the boat either, and I don't want to fall out with them over it.

YANBU at all - it's quite hurtful when someone shows no interest in a child they claim to love. People can say how important their family is, but if they don't follow it up with actions, it means nothing.

Proudnscary - yes I know you're right. She'll not change even if I say anything and yes, it probably would just cause tension. I just find it so hard to bite my lip!

MissHonk - sounds similar!

I think what has come to a head is that, with the first 2, it was easy to claim to want to see them more. But now there's no situation of restricted contact, it has made it much more obvious that all her talk was just that, talk.

squeakytoy - well on that particular example no, because the tickets are restricted to 2 per child, so both DH and I are going. Interestingly, before my mum knew this, she actually wanted to travel 3 hours to see it! And PIL (he and MIL are divorced) last night asked if he could go (again before knowing of the ticket restriction). But as a more general point, yes we have tried making a specific request. What has ended up happening though is that it has somehow turned from being an offer, into her somehow doing us some sort of favour (along the lines of much umming and aahing, and "I'll try my best", etc etc etc, clearly making it very obvious that she couldn't really be bothered and thought it would be doing us some sort of favour).

picnic you've hit the nail on the head: "People can say how important their family is, but if they don't follow it up with actions, it means nothing"

I think what you can do is this...just carry on regardless.
There is absolutely nothing else that you can do without it causing bad feeling that could potentially last for years and years and could mean that your relationship may never every recover. This has significant far reaching effects on lots of people.

I am in this situation, i secretly chunner under my breath but i dont say anything out loud and come on here to be flamed for selfishly expecting too much as my children are my responsibility and no one elses...a whole other thread...and there are loads of them.

It IS upsetting, it IS frustrating and it is a let down when they say one thing and do another, but thats how it is.

Actually, i have asked DH to ask his mum if she would have our DS on Wednesday because school is shut, we are both working and we are stuck..to my utter surprise she said "yes, no problem"!!
I could have died a thousand deaths, but it was worth the try! So one small step to ds knowing his granny better I feel so chuffed that i will buy her a nice cake for ds to take with him for them to enjoy with a cuppa, so nice outcome all round!

She sounds very non-child-friendly in a very unintentional kind of way. Is it possible she just doesn't know how to get to know DS? What sort of activities kids like and so forth?

It sounds as if some of you have my MIL! no advice, things have not improved with the years.

oflip - yes I know that kind of threads you mean! That's good on this Weds though

Popcorn - in her own mind, she is an adoring GM. I know what you mean - it's pretty odd though for someone who had 2 boys of her own! I can understand when aunts & uncles find it a little more difficult. Saying that though - when I ask DH what sort of trips out etc he had as a child with his mother, all he can think of is going round the shops with her looking at clothes.

What would happen if you were proactive and asked MIL to take your DS out to the park or something - just for 20 mins, say, while you were preparing dinner?

If it were my MIL she'd say she wasn't free as she was looking after the other grandchild.

Scarlett - I haven't tried that one. My initial thoughts are:

1. DS would refuse to go as to him she is effectively a visitor who comes to our house now and again and he doesn't know her

1. If DS did want to go, I can see her umming and aahing and making a song and dance about yes she'd do that to help me out blah blah blah.

However I'm not knocking it as an idea. I actually think it's a very good idea, and it would be very interesting to see how it panned out. I will try this next time the opportunity comes up.

stopcomplaining, we have the same MIL.

I agree with scarlett - perhaps you need to suggest actual activities that could be done together. Imho it doesn't sound like she's mean or uninterested, just frustrated and at a loss as to how to actually go about getting to know DS.

In a way, I think it's easier when you're the parent, as you spend all day every day with the kids and they do your activities iykwim; it's perhaps more difficult when you have to make a concerted effort but aren't sure how.

lol MissHonker, poor you!

The thing is Popcorn, as I mentioned above - when I have made specific ideas for activities, she has turned it into a case of her somehow doing me a favour.

She doesn't know what DS likes doing because she simply doesn't listen when I tell her. A typical conversation will go something like:

Me: "DS has just learned to write his own name. DS, who is very proud of himself, starts to do so by way of illustration.....

MIL: "Do you like my new dress? I got it in Kew........."

Later,:

Me: "DS has just started doing gymnastics........"

MIL: "We're going to Edinburgh next weekend....."

In our case that would go

Me: "DD has just started bum shuffling"

MIL: "Other grandchild is so cute the way she does X..."

Fuck, this is bringing it all back.

Sorry, stopcomplaining, I keep ranting on your thread. Do feel for you.

don't worry about that MissHonker, rant away! Does your DP acknowledge that his mother does this?

It seems like she's maybe just a vague kind of person - one day I'd like to get to know GS better - but not really thinking/knowing how this could be achieved.

I'd try, the next time she expresses these feelings of wanting to be close without any definate plans to do so that you help nudge her in that direction. i.e. Well that would be fantastic, what kind of thing would you like to do with him? or make some suggestion about something she could do that you think he would be comfortable with.

I mean maybe spending a lot of alone time together would be a bit much at first, but what if she took him through to the kitchen to do some baking, or played a board/card game or jigsaw that he likes, or reads him a story? Either whilst you are in the room or whilst you get other things done.

She maybe just isn't comfortable around kids of his age, and imagines doing things with him when he's older. You know he needs to build a relationship with her first before trips to the zoo etc.

My sister invited me to come with her and her new baby to a group at the library, and I was thrilled that she wanted my company/was happy to have me hold her baby and sing nursery rhymes with him. Do you think she might appreciate going to a mother & toddler thing with you both?

My favourite memories of my grandad were of playing draughs, dominios and cards with him though I was a bit older. He also encouraged me to draw. My gran dragged me out shopping with her, pulling me along whilst she looked at clothes and food. I don't need say who I enjoyed spending more time with.

misshonkover I would think you are my SIL, but you cant be because SHE is the one with the Perfect Children!!

"She maybe just isn't comfortable around kids of his age, and imagines doing things with him when he's older" - well DSS1 is 16 and it still hasn't happened lol . Well actually I lie, she has taken him clothes shopping on 2 occasions in the last 8 years.

That said, the next time she says something, maybe like you say, I should reply "what would you like to do with DS to get to know him better?" or like the poster above, ask her if she'd like to take him to the park. It will be an interesting experiment if nothing else.

Yes, be more assertive, you won't feel as wound up and it might actually pay off

OP, I have this with my MIL. To give an example, last time she and FIL visited my DH suggested she could read the kids a bedtime story. She said 'no not now, I'm busy doing this'. Her self-imposed task was to untangle a parachute toy that DS1 had been playing with - a job which was in no way essential, would take a few mins and could be done at any point that evening after the children were asleep. So she was basically saying 'I don't want to read to them'. Which is fine, except she keeps saying that they don't know her! Arghh!!

However, I must admit that she is happy to help around the kitchen, and is always offering to wash up etc. I find it weird that she would rather be doing tedious jobs that she can do any day at home rather than playing with her GCs who she only sees every couple of months, but I have learnt to play to her strengths and accept any help I can get! Maybe you could think of things your MIL would enjoy or feels she is good at, that would also give you a break?