To think that if MIL wants to get to know DS better then she should do so, or stop saying it?

[stopcomplainingthen]

Bit of brief background. I have 3.5yo DS with DH. MIL is definitely of the 'hands off' GP variety. Fine. Not the sort to be chatting to children or take any interest in what they're doing. Again fine.

Despite this backdrop, MIL, since I've known her, has repeatedly lamented how she'd like to her her GC more (DH also has 2 elder children). Until our DS was born, this was easy enough for her to say because DH has limited access to the children. We've offered MIL on many occasions (including before DS was born, and since) that she is free to do stuff with the children/take them out whatever if/when she wants. She has never taken up this offer (btw she is active and able-bodied and doesn't work).

But what is incredibly annoying is that increasingly, she is recognising that DS barely knows here. It has always been obvious to me that he would hardly know her. After all, to him, she's someone who he sees fairly infrequently and when he does, it's over a mealtime in either her house or our's, where the conversation is of an adult nature and tbh, fairly boring.

As I said, MIL has never taken us up on the offer of doing stuff with the children. The only 'together' time she is interested in is either inviting us all up for dinner, or coming down to our's for dinner. If this is what she wants, then fine, but why oh why does she then seem to complain that DS barely knows her .

So for example over dinner yesterday. She was talking about what she'd been doing, film she'd just seen, what did we want for xmas, etc. I mentioned DS had been to the theatre with nursery. She just said 'oh that's nice' and kept talking about adult stuff. Then I mentioned his part in the xmas play and that he was really excited about it. She said 'oh' and kept talking.

Actually in writing this, I think that maybe when she next says this I should say something - maybe that he would know her better if she spent some time getting to know him? But this is likely to cause issues with DH as he doesn't like to 'rock the boat'.

Notjustclassic - I think you're post is very perceptive, and actually that is exactly how I see MIL. And not just over this situation, but in general. It's probably quite embarrassing for her that DS doesn't know who she is, so she feels she has to comment. Almost a self-defence mechanism. But than as soon as this is said, it's back to ignoring him.

It's a bit like when you meet someone you used to know and you both say "we must meet up soon" but then actually you never do because either don't particularly want to, or that person just ends up falling quite far down your priorities in practice.

mumofthreekids - that's a perfect example of this sort of behaviour, sounds familiar. I think if DS was a girl then a good way would be to ask MIL to make a pretty dress or something

I have this scenario with my DF and his DW. Lots of flowery sentiment about how lovely to see the DC/Oh you never stay the night/visit often enough, etc. but then don't actually take any notice of the DC when we are together and just want to have adult chit chat or alternatively go on endlessly about SM's DGC whom they see constantly. After a while, I realised it was simple, they just aren't into my DC at all but obviously it isn't socially acceptable for a GP to say that. Sadly it sounds as though your MIL is the same.

I think if you'd like them to have a relationship maybe take charge and come up with specific suggestions (not that you should have to do anything, but giving her benefit of the doubt about just being rusty with kids).

Work around the fact that she probably isn't going to want to climb through the soft play ramps with him as soft play places are a bit full on if you're out of practice with kids (although you never know) and that she likes a "quick in and out" by the sound of it - so NOT elaborate plans like babysitting all evening and taking him to the zoo the following day..

At 3.5 he's probably about the sort of age when he might like some of those kids theatre shows so why not suggest she joins you for one. Find one he might like, give her a choice of times (so obvious clash with prior engagement and lots of nitice and throw down the gaultlet!

Get a cake and coffee before and then go the show, then she can bugger off afterwards . If this works these sorts of things are on periodically and it would be something Granny X does even if she doesn't sit on the floor playing his lego with him when she comes over.

The Tiger Who Came to Tea stage play was brilliant, my DS1 isn't great at theatres but it was perfect for him around that age.

...should have read "notice" and "gauntlet", of course.

Can I please join this club?

My MIL is just like this and it makes me a mix of emotions - sad, angry, confused etc.

She bought a beautiful Mamas & Papas cot and a fancy 3-wheeler buggy when we had DS, who is the first grandchild. However, he is now 2 years old and the furthest she has wheeled him is once around her block, and that was after we'd asked her to. The cot has been slept in a handful of times.

DS can't point out DH's family members in a photo, yet can point out my family members who he sees often. MIL won't make any effort to come up to visit us despite having a car, being in good health and not working. FIL frequently passes our house when out a hobby club, but has only twice called in in 5 years.

DS loves seeing them as when they are together they are good at playing and have toys etc. But he sees them a benevolent strangers in that if it wasn't for DH and I constantly inviting them places or suggesting we meet up they just wouldn't bother.

I'd love them to see DS (and us) because they want to, not because they have been asked to and feel they should do. IYSWIM?

I had this with my MIL, pictures up everywhere but no interest in the (only) grandkids

then she died, and my kids hardly noticed, in fact the youngest hardly registered the fact she has gone

its sad, but its the GP's loss

It sounds like a few of you have my MIL too! My MIL takes the same attitude towards GC as she does towards DH..which is to say, none at all, as she's not interested. I won't be able to not say anything when BIL's children come along and the only conversation we will get out of her will be about perfect smug bastard BIL's perfect children!

goodness it seems there's quite a few of them around!

TheLastChocolate - yes I know what you mean. Why should it be such an effort!

SmethwickeBelle - tbh I can't really be bothered going to such efforts (although thanks for the suggestions. If it is something I was eager for, then they are very good suggestions). On a personal level my feeling is that if she can't be bothered (which she can't), then it's her loss. I work almost full time and so my time with DS is limited in any case, so I'm not going to waste it going to extreme lengths to enable her to forge a relationship she's clearly not that interested in.

And on another point, I'm quite sensitive to the fact that young children are so perceptive to picking up how adults are with them. In my view, DS would probably fairly easily pick up on the fact that she's not that interested. This being the case, it's possibly almost best for him to avoid too much exposure to that, rather than forcing something and him picking up apathetic/disinterested vibes.

It's her that was complaining of the lack of relationship, not me. Like I say, her loss. But I do find it a ridiculous situation for her to be lamenting that but then doing nothing. That's why I think Notjustclassic had it spot on.

I'm one of those people who, if there's something I don't like, then I do something about it. I'm therefore quite impatient with people who complain about stuff then do nothing!

Sounds like mine too... I am about to have her first GC and up until three weeks ago she has never asked how I am, called or taken any interest at all, which is totally fine if thats how she felt .... however she is now pulling out the poor me card and saying she feels left out and not part of it and my OH is saying how he feels sorry for her !!!....
Was tempted to say well if she wants to do the labour part for me then she can feel free!!... how I am supposed to make her not feel left out when I am 150 miles away and about to go into labour any day now I have no idea! You just can't please some MIL's!!!

I`m in too.
My mil has not once picked up the phone to call us the whole time I have been with my husband. We have two beautiful boys 3 & half & ten months. They visit us maybe 2-3 times a year, they live 40 miles away, we dont have a car, but have travelled up on numerous occasions to visit them transpennine rail travel is not quick or cheap.
The inlaws visit the golden sister and precious first grandchild pretty much every month/6 weeks, they have to drive past our town to get to them 250 miles away.
When they do visit mil sits on sofa moaning about how the kids dont really know her...? She doesnt want to go to the park, for a walk, just sit there like a spare part grumbeling. She also gets upset when DS calls her Grandma & not Gran. Not my fault he sees his Grandma (my mum) evey week, and this is what is more natural for him to say.
It probably wouldnt bother me so much if she didnt express this directly to the kids, "you dont know who i am do you?" Whats a 3 year old supposed to say to that. hopefully one day DS will say, "yes i do, your dads miserable mum, thankfully we dont see very often" - (wishful thinking!)

last time she was here moaning (over 6 montha ago- I told her if she really was concerned about getting to know the kids then she needs to get of her retired arse into her nice little run around & make arrangements to come & see us, ie pick up the phone. not happened yet, not expecting a call anytime soon.

Im grateful really that husbands sister (shes lovely btw, & hates how her mum treats the family differntly) & family live so far away & first grandchild is much older than ours, that way hopefully our kids wont pick up on the differnce.

Anyhow, we move to spain next year so visits will be even less frequent Yay!...Mil doesnt travel well etc etc moan moan moan.

Dont want to high jack thread, but i read recently that narrsasistic people dont really get on with happy, jolly, full of life people, probably why she stays away ;)

feel for you op, but be warned, she probably wont change :(

I wouldn't care if MIL wasn't into kids, it's the blatant favouritism towards the other GC that is so hurtful. I've even considered moving away because of it. Both GC live in the same small town, and the thought that DD might be aware she is less favoured as she grows up really upsets me.

My mum had some of the same problems with her mil when we were small, although she never moaned about not knowing us, she obviously wasn't bothered. She did look after most of my cousins and visited them. The only times she visited us was if my aunt bought her round.

I can honestly say it never bothered me. I hardly knew her although our dad took us to visit her for an hour on Sundays. We were very close to my mums parents so didn't feel like we were missing out, she was a stranger realy

misshonk, thats awful

Isn't it though? Other members of the family have noticed it, so I know we're not making it up.

misshonkover - what you said about the blatant favouritism rings so true.

My kids (15 and 12) noticed a few years ago that SIL's kids were the favoured ones and there were questions about why they saw them more often, why they got more expensive presents (and dont start me on the holidays abroad and trips to the theatre!!). I couldnt really give them a proper answer because I dont understand it myself. That sounds horribly materialistic, but when we have not had a family holiday for 4 years and SIL and her kids get taken abroad for a fortnight every summer, it's quite noticeable!

The situation actually started even before DD1 was born - when we told them I was expecting, she said "well I hope you're not expecting us to babysit"! Then SIL's PFB (a girl) arrived, and that was it as far as DD1 was concerned, and then DD2's arrival was greeted with "oh another girl". SIL then had a son, you would think the Messiah had come down from heaven - and nothing has changed since.

Now they just shrug and appear to accept it - but it's pretty clear they're not that bothered about their grandparents. In my view its really PIL's loss, they had every opportunity with ours, but they chose not to take it up.

boschy SNAP! That's exactly what my MIL said on being told of impending baby ... She looks after SIL's kids all the time though so she'd probably had enough childminding ( kind and forbearing emoticon )

feckless yes, we were quite expecting "congratulations" or "how lovely, when's it due" to be the first response! silly us.

misshonkover - i`m starting to feel that way now. just dont care if they dont care. Its a shame really.

My mil woulds never offer to babysit, dont think we`d let here anyway.

When we announced first pregnancy we were met with the responce " trust you to do things the wrong way round, will you be getting married? And anyway you always said you never wanted kids!" hurtful & untrue (not the married bit )

thelaminator if that wasnt so hurtful it would almost be funny! Kind of like those Harry Enfield sketches where he brings his boyfriend home and Dad comes out with the most terrible remarks.

What planet are these people on? Quite beyond me.

stop you could be me writing this! Except it is with both mil + fil, they live about 45 mins away (when we decided pre-child to move in together dh moved to me i wasn't going to live in that shithole and so yes we made the choice to live a little further away)

They visited us once when we moved in together, then I got updiffed and they came twice when I was pregnant (we went to them atleast twice a month) then I had ds and since then they have been less than 10 times - he's 2.3 y/o.

Everytime we see them they say "oh we barely know him" "oh he doesn't know us" "aww he's much closer to your m+d" errrr yes of course he doesn't know you, no you don't know him and yes he is closer to my parents because they make the effort to see him! Mil doesn't even work anymore yet still doesn't bother to visit, I'm off every Wednesday and have told her she is more than welcome to come out with me + ds or just come for a visit, she has not once taken me up on this offer - I text her atleast once a week with a pic of ds and she has never text me back.

Last time she visited (an hour) she asked if I'd let ds stay over for the night - It feels like there is no inbetween! I told her he would have to spend more time with her before he stayed over, she seemed to get a bit huffy but even dh agreed it was running before walking!

I am at a loss with them now, they play the "we barely see him because it so far away" card and yet they have seen their cousin 5 times this year and she lives in Scotland! (About 4 hours away) I take him ther as often as possible but even that is getting to be difficult as they are barely in even when we've had it arranged for ages, or they're just on their way out ... I'm beginning to develop a complex!

Its a very difficult situation - my mother (although it sounds awful) says her marriage is only still going now because her mil died before she had kids! I'm just glad I have my parents full support, they spend as much time as possible with ds (to the point where I'm quite often shooing them out the door)!

Who knows what to do for the best though? Not me! although I do know that ds will NOT be sleeping over at theirs anytime soon, maybe when he's 30

boschy - i know! we always prepare ourselves for the worst at visits, but there is always, always something she says that makes us go .

she hasnt got much ammo against me (yet) its my husband i feel for the most :(

My guess is that she's really impatient for your DC to be older so she feels more comfortable with them. Some people just aren't wild about small children. My grandmother had very little to say to any of us until my late teens, at which point I was old enough to have an 'adult' conversation with her and discovered what an amazing person she was. She became a friend and mentor, and a huge positive influence for me.

I'd say be patient and bite your lip, as it may just come good with time.

Well it hasn't come with time for DSSs aged 16 and 11. And actually she even 'forgot' her own son's (DH's) birthday 2 years in a row