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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finding "family life" a drag. Am I Unreasonable or just plain Odd?

62 replies

fedupandfifty · 27/11/2011 14:15

This is a bit of a moan, but I don't understand why I find "family life" such a drag. I gave up "proper" work when DD was born because I thought it was the right thing to do (for her, not for me!). I work and try to have a social life, and I am not a single parent, and she is now nearly 10, but my life STILL seems to revolve completely around her, and it's beginning to drag me down. I have no other family, few friends in the same boat (I'n ancient) and although DH is great with her when it suits, it's always me who is in for her when she gets home from school, makes sure she gets there, makes sure her friends are made welcome, tries to keep in with other parents, is there for her and her mates in the holidays etc. My DP is self-employed and I am also the main breadwinner at the moment, so trying to keep everyone on peanuts. She's a lovely kid and I love her to bits, but sometimes I want to forget all about her! Is this selfish? Odd? Unreasonable?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/11/2011 14:21

Erm sorry but yes it is a bit selfish and unreasonable. Kids are only young once, and at 10 you should be able to enjoy each others company, before the angst of teenage years kick in, and be able to go out doing things that are fun together, not see her as a millstone round your neck.

eurochick · 27/11/2011 14:26

It sounds like you have lost your own identity. Do you have hobbies? Does your husband pull his weight with childcare and housework? You need to have some free time each.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 27/11/2011 14:27

It's called being her mother. It's never quite what we thought we signed up for when they put the tiny newborn in our arms, but it's what we get. Only 8 years to go and you can have some life back... hang in there "this too shall pass" and all that shit.
I sit here sometimes and plan a route round Europe on the bus Grin - you can catch a bus in London that goes to Moscow! or Greece! and one day, I will be on it.

marriedinwhite · 27/11/2011 14:28

Agree with Squeakytoy. My DH, DS and DD are my life, my priority, my comfort, and the essence of my and our mutual being. I also work full time. I hope your post is more about feeling irked because at the moment you are the main breadwinner and things are tough.

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 14:42

Sounds to me like you need to look at why you are doing all of the slog stuff with DD and DH is only chipping in when he feels like it. The responsibility is all yours - organising DD, earning the money, managing the budget etc

Talk to your DH and tell him how you feel, see if you can distribute the tasks more evenly so that you get a chance to relax while someone else takes responsibility Smile

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 14:43

Oh and I don't think you're selfish at all BTW I think you have a lot on your plate and would like to "get away from it all". I have two small children and feel like that a lot!

rycooler · 27/11/2011 14:48

I think you're depressed about your age more than anything - your user name and calling yourself 'ancient' are obvious signs.
50 is quite old to have a child at primary school but that's what you've got so just get on with it.

IwanttobeShirleyValentine · 27/11/2011 14:52

No you are not unreasonable or selfish to feel this way. Its a sign that all the "slog" is being left to you when really it should be shared. Get your DH to share more!

When I get down about feeling like my life is always one great big compromise I think about how quickly the past 10 years have actually flown by and then it hits home that actually the kids are only kids for such a short while and I regain some entusiasm again.

10 years from now she probably wont be living at home at all and you will look back at this phase fondly! I know it can be hard but just try and enjoy her whislt she is still young and needs you.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 27/11/2011 14:53

It sounds like your DDs social life is FAR too much effort. Why do you have to "keep in" with other parents? 10 year olds cchoose their own friends....nothing to do with who is friendly with who in terms of parents.

Original poster
fedupandfifty · 27/11/2011 15:13

Thanks all. for your commments. I think my post was more of a comment on what parenting is all about than anything else. I'm also drawing comparisons with my own childhood which seemed so much more low-maintenance than is the case these days - my own mother, despite being an excellent mother in many ways - wouldn't have dreamed of getting involved in my education, wouldn't have watched on the sidelines while I played football or ferried me about to various activities. That's not a criticism - it's simply the way things were then, and times seemed to have changed a lot. I do all of these things, and more, but I find it quite joyless most of the time and seem to be doing it out of a sense of duty rather than pleasure. And I've only got one child!!

Any others feel like this?

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 27/11/2011 15:19

Ok, so why not stop doing them? Or at least cut back a bit. Can't your DP take her to some activities, and you don't have to watch all the time. I think at some point, especially if you are the main breadwinner, you have to make time for you.

I don't think it's remotely selfish not to love doing these things all the time. Or ferry her to an activity, don't go in but sit in the car, eat a Magnum and read the newspaper which I do every Saturday when the girls go to ballet

wafflingworrier · 27/11/2011 15:36

i would recommend sharing lifts to activities with other parents whose children also do them so that you have a bit more space, or alternatively find activities for your child that are walking distance from where you live-a walk outside feels tons better than fighting in traffic.
my friend also has a "ten lifts a month" policy, her son gets to pick when the lifts will be and any other times he has to take busses etc. your child is maybe too young to take transport on her own but i started getting the bus in yr 7 so aged 11 on my own and it was great for me to have the independence.
so no you are not being selfish at all, try rearranging things slightly and getting a bit of time to just sit and have a cup of tea in peace and quiet. or take up running, great stress releif and only takes ten mins if you are as unfit as me :)

EricNorthmansMistress · 27/11/2011 15:37

Sounds like your DP needs to be a bit more active and give you a break once on a while.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/11/2011 15:46

Well no wonder you are fed up, if you are doing most of the childcare and general organising of your DD's life AND you are the main breadwinner AND (reading between the lines) generally keeping your whole family show on the road.

Surely if your DP business isn't bringing in much money then it is time to reassess? Could he earn more by getting a different job and then he might also have more spare time?

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/11/2011 15:54

I would try and have DD's friends over quite a bit and then, hopefully, DD will be invited over to their houses sometimes so you will have some time for yourself. That's what my SIL did and it's worked well for her. It did take her some time to ge that sort of thing set up.

What about doing some part-time work so that your not "DD's mother", but "fedupandfifty" (hopefully feeling not so fed up soon).

If DD has activities at the weekend, then I think it's down to your DH to take her to them, at least sometimes.

I do hope you get something sorted soon as you are sounding quite down. Please don't wish your DD's life away, though, it goes all too quickly

itsalladirtylie · 27/11/2011 16:14

Fedup, I dont think you're being selfish at all, motherhood isnt necessarily fulfilling, women are not inherently self sacrificing!
I found it all quite a drag too!

maybenow · 27/11/2011 16:20

why are you the main childcarer and the main breadwinner?

is your DH/P (you've used both so not sure whether your married or not) her father? it sounds like you've got all the responsibility in your family - no wonder you're ground down Sad

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 27/11/2011 16:21

Maybe you need a holiday? It can be a bit joyless...or perhaps a new activity for yourself? I have a hobby that keeps me sane...do you have any?

DumSpiroSpero · 27/11/2011 16:23

I just have the one DD aged 7, and work, and I do understand where you're coming from. It's not DD that's the drudge, it's all the routine and organisation that goes round being a grown-up/wife/mother/employee/child of ageing parents.

The school run in itself, same time, twice a day, day in/day out for weeks on end in enough to drive me loopy. I just don't like being tied to other people's schedules/expectations. Unfortunately it's what I've signed up for though...only another 11 years to go Grin!

I do try and schedule in some spontaneity every now and then Hmm

WhatAboutMeMeMe · 27/11/2011 16:39

quite odd frankly

Proudnscary · 27/11/2011 16:44

YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER - only joshing. Look it's pretty normal what you're feeling, you're just being searingly honest.

I hope you don't feel like this all or even most of the time though...?

If you do, I suggest you seriously consider getting a, ahem, 'proper' job as you put it. Something you love, are passionate about and gives you a sense of pride and satisfaction.

Or counselling. Or both.

ninah · 27/11/2011 16:47

yeah family life is dull. Most sorts of life have big bits of dull but family life joins them up.

callmemrs · 27/11/2011 16:55

I don't think its odd to have times of feeling like this. But I think the issue is , in your own words, that your life is revolving around your dd.

Obviously for all parents, their children are central and come first. But you don't need to lose your identity because of that.

You say you stopped 'proper work' because you felt it was best for your dd (not you). That martyr approach never leads to fulfilment. Neither is it necessarily true that its 'better' for her in any case. You can read all sorts of studies about whether having working parents or non working parents is detrimental for children and you'll never find anything conclusive! You need to shape your life so that YOU are fulfilled and that gives your dd the best chance of growing up well adjusted. You dont need to be home for her every day straight after school. You could organise childcare and develop your work life. There are a million opportunities for how you can get 'you' back.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel these feelings, but I think your post goes a long way to explaining why you do, and you need to address that before it has a negative impact on your child

northernwreck · 27/11/2011 17:16

Nah YANBU.
Get a job, stick DD in after school club a few days a week (or if she is responsible give her a key), get DH off his arse, and organise a few outings of your own.
Hell, book a holiday(without the family natch).
There are no gold stars for being in with the other parents/ferrying to every sleepover/attending every netball match.

I actually think that as they get older kids appreciate being left alone a bit, not fussed over, and maybe this feeling is natures way of saying "enough already!"

northernwreck · 27/11/2011 17:18

"Agree with Squeakytoy. My DH, DS and DD are my life, my priority, my comfort, and the essence of my and our mutual being. I also work full time. I hope your post is more about feeling irked because at the moment you are the main breadwinner and things are tough."

Sorry, but that just reads so smug it actually made be barf.