Finding "family life" a drag. Am I Unreasonable or just plain Odd?

[fedupandfifty]

This is a bit of a moan, but I don't understand why I find "family life" such a drag. I gave up "proper" work when DD was born because I thought it was the right thing to do (for her, not for me!). I work and try to have a social life, and I am not a single parent, and she is now nearly 10, but my life STILL seems to revolve completely around her, and it's beginning to drag me down. I have no other family, few friends in the same boat (I'n ancient) and although DH is great with her when it suits, it's always me who is in for her when she gets home from school, makes sure she gets there, makes sure her friends are made welcome, tries to keep in with other parents, is there for her and her mates in the holidays etc. My DP is self-employed and I am also the main breadwinner at the moment, so trying to keep everyone on peanuts. She's a lovely kid and I love her to bits, but sometimes I want to forget all about her! Is this selfish? Odd? Unreasonable?

Hi dreamin. Yes, I'm having counselling to try to come to terms with the problems in my relationship. It's helped. I think these problems ARE impacting on my general happiness, and rubbing off in other areas of my life. My relstionship is pretty much over, by the way - with very little action in the boudoir for about 3 years or so - and I feel like crap, hence perhaps my angst about other things.

Oh wow, that is crap, I'm sorry.

In that case, I don't think you need to 'accept things as they are and get on with it.' I think you need to either sort your relationship or leave.

As you can see, being miserable all the time is not just affecting you, it could seriously damage your relationship with your daughter. Perhaps you are trying to be perfect on the outside to cover the fact you feel so unhappy on the inside. Eventually your DD will pick up on this though and it will be hard for her not to take that personally.

Hello again dreamin'. Yes, I've considered leaving, but it's not an option at the moment, due mainly to financial concerns. And yes, I find putting on a front difficult sometimes, and it's impacting on my behaviour.

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard.

Can you put together a plan to leave, at some specified time? It might reduce the angst to know you're working toward that date, it's only a little longer, etc.

Northernwreck - thank goodness, I thought it was just me reaching for the sick bag.

I am glad marriedinwhite is so happy (jealous lying emoticon) but could she try to find a way of expressing it which doesn't involve phrases such as the essence of her mutual being?

What IS the essence of one's mutual being anyway? Even with a fabulous essence, great swathes of family life involve tedious repetition of boring tasks and no one should be made to feel inferior ornodd for getting ground down by that at times. But I agree, if it is stopping you having a happy life for most of the time, try and get some help from some source.

Your later post changes things a little and now I feel my post was too harsh. You say it's "family life" grinding you down but in fact you feel trapped in a bad relationship which is bound to make anyone feel less than enthusiastic. You seem very hard on yourself - as though, in spite of what you're going through you still need to present yourself to the world as being on top of things. You don't. It's ok to have tough times. Are there people besides your counsellor that you can talk to in real life?

YANBU and I am laughing my arse off at some of the posts on here. Being a mother isn't about losing your whole identity and bloody hell is it a hard slog.

"Essence of our mutual being".

I was ME for a long time before I had children and got married. I am still ME now, even with the extra responsibilities and I find them a hell of a lot easier to take after a night alone in a hotel with a large glass of wine, a good book and my phone switched off.

I can really sypathise as the main breadwinner and mother to two small ones, some days I just want to switch off and walk out. However, since I can't, and you can't eitgher, you have to find ways of enjoying being you again.

OP you just need to find a way to get yourself out of the grind. Its not easy to do, start small - join a local exercise class or other club locally and leave your DP and DD to it for an evening or two.

barf - you've hit the nail right on the head. Yes, I've some good friends I've been able to confide in, and they've been great. And yes, I've started to do things again now, manily due to DD becoming far more independent. I've joined a gym, joined a choir, taken up a musical instrument, and feel much better already and altogether more "me".

cailin - no, I don't think you were being harsh, but I do not meddle in her life. She is far more independent than most of her peers. Today, for example, I've hardly seen her as she is out somewhere with her mates. You were right, though, about me currying favour with other parents - I do - mainly because if it weren't for this, I would not be part of the established clique and neither would DD. Maybe it's just our neighbourhood, but kids just don't mix spontaneously here, as they are not generally allowed out unsupervised. Being much older than most of the parents, I do not tend to mix much socially with them.

Hey I joined a choir too there's something about singing that is quite liberating I find.

Sounds like giving up work wasn't good for you OR her. As a result you feel resentful. Op- get a job!

Sorry op- I didn't see you have a job. I know how you feel. All your spare time goes to your family. You need me time.

Having to put up a front is horrible, I've had to do it myself in the past and it sucks. But I totally get that sometimes it's the only way you get by.

YANBU by the way, I love my kids with every little teeny tiny bit of my heart, but I still found myself dreaming of being in my own little (cold) flat, doing what the hell I liked, when the hell I felt like it and being as irresponsible as I wanted. I wouldn't really want to go back but sometimes I just get a bit peeved with general STUFF.