Finding "family life" a drag. Am I Unreasonable or just plain Odd?

[fedupandfifty]

This is a bit of a moan, but I don't understand why I find "family life" such a drag. I gave up "proper" work when DD was born because I thought it was the right thing to do (for her, not for me!). I work and try to have a social life, and I am not a single parent, and she is now nearly 10, but my life STILL seems to revolve completely around her, and it's beginning to drag me down. I have no other family, few friends in the same boat (I'n ancient) and although DH is great with her when it suits, it's always me who is in for her when she gets home from school, makes sure she gets there, makes sure her friends are made welcome, tries to keep in with other parents, is there for her and her mates in the holidays etc. My DP is self-employed and I am also the main breadwinner at the moment, so trying to keep everyone on peanuts. She's a lovely kid and I love her to bits, but sometimes I want to forget all about her! Is this selfish? Odd? Unreasonable?

me, I mean.

Sorry OP-I see you have a job already! (Still book a holiday though..)

Do you do anything just for you?

OP when you were contemplating parenthood 10 years ago, what scenario would you have envisaged for 10 years down the line? Would it be possible to make some adjustments so your life is more reflective of that scenario?

FWIW I appreciate its easier said than done - I'm also the sole main breadwinner with a DP developing his self-employment so I know it can be tough.

Thanks all. I feel better already.

I just seem to come across more than my fair share of Smuggs - perfect children, fulfilling jobs, lots of "family fun" (whatever that is) and husbands who adore them. I know it's not like that really! Glad I'm not the only one to feel ground down though.

Oh they're probably going home and necking valium. Don't worry about it

Glad you feel better. Do try and see if you can share the drudge around or cut some of it out if you can though

Maybe some are happy, 'smug' (hideous term) or whatever, the majority of my friends for example. I think pretending that it is impossible is just as wrong as pretending you don't feel the way you do to be honest.

The school run in itself, same time, twice a day, day in/day out for weeks on end in enough to drive me loopy. I just don't like being tied to other people's schedules/expectations.

As opposed to how great it is to be single and go to work? 40 hours a week at work, 15 hours a week on public transport going to work. That's 65 hours of my life that does not belong to me. 56 hours a week sleeping. That is 136 hours a week of my life that I cannot do anything for myself and there are only 168 hours in a week. I have 32 hours a week to myself which is not even a day and a half.

Good Jesus do you think not being a parent, being single and working is any easier. Enjoy your 10 year old!

"my life STILL seems to revolve completely around her"

Well this is the problem isn't it. You do have both a job and a social life, from your post, but you feel like your life is spent running around after her. She's 10 though, I'm surprised you feel like this. Does she go to her friends' houses much? She's goes to school by herself. Does she ever do things with her DH that don't involve you? Why do you feel so tied down? Is your social life enough? What do you have that makes you feel like "you" - for me it's books and hobbies rather than going to the pub - how about you?

I also think you need to make peace with not being the 'perfect' parent and fulfilling your own needs a bit. I have got over being 'selfish' as I need to work for my sanity as well as money, and if that means others take them to classes, go to the odd nativity and they go to after-school club, so be it. I don't think being a martyr is good for anyone, not even your child, as the resentment does seep through a bit (if you loved that life, it would be different).

I don't know about 'smugs', I think it is only natural to put a positive face on for the world, isn't it?

I might fall into your smug category, but as Ninky said, I am just happy.

Are things awry in your relationship as well?

I get you. I also think it may be because you have only the one. You almost have the freedom but not quite if you see what I mean. Whilst it's much easier in terms of babysitting and doing the things you want, you never quite get there because you always have your child in the back of your mind. I found when I had a couple of children it wasn't an issue because frankly there wasn't much of an option.

YANBU to be feeling this way. YABU to not do anything about it, to let DP off the hook or to let resentment/general fedupness interfere with your family life.

1. Can you get a job that's more fulfilling (I get the impression your current one isn't) even if it involves more hours, DP and DD doing more for themselves or together?
2. Get DP to pull his weight with DD more and around the house more.
3. Find something which you do, without them, on a regular basis that is just for you. It doesn't have to cost a lot - it could be an hour in a second hand bookshop once a month, a meditation class, going for a walk and taking your camera. Something which is small, and selfish and self-affirming.
4. Encourage DD to be more independent (she'll be going to sec school next year so it'll be good practice) whether that is walking herself to school, calling a friend and making the arrangement herself. Doing her ballet/gym/whatever class by herself while you read a book in the car. You don't have to abandon her completely, just cut back a little on the involvement.
5. Find something new to do as a family which takes you out of the rut. Maybe a monthly Saturday going on a long walk, or a visit to a museum... it doesn't matter what, so long as it isn't a faff to organise and you all do it together.

Since the beginning of time, Dh and I have had the arrangement that every Wednesday, although occasionally this switches to a Tuesday or Thursday I go out and he is responsible for DCs. That means collecting from school, dinner, bed, cleaning up and preparing for the next day. Doesn't have to be anything expensive go and get a coffee, read your book or just window shop. Maybe meet a friend but try and avoid talking about DD, do something where you're not DDs mother but just you. Maybe you could ask Dh to take her to school one morning a week as well or arrange this with another parent.

Also as smug as this sounds have you streamlined your life? I used to hate going to the supermarket every bloody week for a good hour, now i do it all online in about 15 mins. Are there things your doing for DD she can do herself, maybe she can do some housework in exchange for chores. Definitely look at the job situation, see what can be done, maybe going back to proper work would be better for you, afterall DD will be at seniors next year I assume.

Final thing in our house nobody is allowed downstairs before 8:30am on a saturday and 9:00 on a Sunday. DH and I take it in turns to have a lie-in, my day is Sunday. Sometimes we also say DC cant come in our room until we say on certain mornings. Your DD is old enough to get breakfast and entertain herself so make sure you get some peace and quiet.

YANBU - To be honest with you I feel the same, how you managed it for 10 years is beyond me.

I lived with my parents while I was pregnant, but when DS was born we moved in with DP's parents (MIL and FIL to me), because it's closer to his work.

I can't stand it here. And he just doesn't bloody get it. All my life has become is looking after the baby while he gets to swan about, doing whatever he feels like which is either Mineraft or his XBOX. The nearest shop to us is a 45-minute walk uphill, the nearest towns are 25 minute drives, there's a limited bus service, I have no friends in the area and he is refusing to take me to the baby and toddler group because it interferes with his job.

Don't get me wrong, he helps. But it's mostly just me in the house with Mumsnet as my only link to the outside world. And he doesn't understand just how isolated I feel. I used to be so independant but now I'm stuck in east-Jesus-nowhere with no way of escape.

Sorry... I didn't mean for it to be so ranty :(

Oh they're probably going home and necking valium

I can assure you no one is necking me!

I'm also drawing comparisons with my own childhood which seemed so much more low-maintenance than is the case these days - my own mother, despite being an excellent mother in many ways - wouldn't have dreamed of getting involved in my education, wouldn't have watched on the sidelines while I played football or ferried me about to various activities

I agree wholeheartedly, and its seems to ratchet up every decade or so as the quest for PFB breeding raises the bar. In theory all the free tim,e that labour saving devices gave us was to be for leisure, in practice its used for competitive parenting.

Fedup I can see why you are Fedup.
I don't think you are doing yourself any favours if your life revolves around your daughter all the time.

In our house there is DH, me and two DS's.
Everyones needs and wants are considered and acted upon. We all have time to do the things we want either with each other ( pictures, biking, hill walking) or seperatly or with friends
I think everyone needs downtime to do things they enjoy ( and it needn't cost money) I had a quiet Sunday and spent most of it in the middle room with my book!

another to say

where is DP in all of this?
yes, YABU!
and sounds you need to really do something for YOU, you will never stop being a MUm but think you need somethings thats just for you , dare I say it.....a hobby!!!!

It can be hard as family life is very routine based as it has to be otherwise not much gets achieved. I certainly miss spontaneity

I think thats is very perceptive, if you are a person who really likes order and predictability, the routine of family life is great. If you are a spontaneous person it can be soul destroying I suspect.

YABU

You sound like a martyr. You gave up your job "for your DD," you meddle in her life and try to curry favour with her friends' parents, you let your husband get away with doing the minimum possible, you try to be perfect and hate it. Pointless.

There is nothing more annoying than a mother who grudgingly does things for you then expects huge recognition for it. Your DD will soon pick up on how much you dislike your false role. Give the poor girl a break, back off and make your own life now.

My mother used to hate the mothering stuff but pretended to like it like you do. I wish she'd just have been normal with me. God what a pain she was.

1. Take a holiday, even if just for a few days somewhere local. You need a break!

1. Get your DP to do more.

1. Try to think of things you want to do, that your DD can join in, rather than just what she wants to do. At 10 she can go to museums, shopping, ice skating, loads of stuff. She's also old enough to occupy herself for a long stretch if you just want to chill out and read.

You're not doing your DD any favours by revolving family life around her. If you ever feel guilty about not doing something with her, remember that if she had siblings you wouldn't be able to devote so much time to her -- and yet children with siblings turn out perfectly fine!

Thanks all. Some very intersting points!! Yes - I have become a martyr. Yes, I try to be perfect (why, I don't know). Yes, I have a crap relationship. Yes, I am resentful of DP. Yes - I hate the competitive parents who hang about the school yard scoring points off each other and knocking the teachers.

Yes - I need to get over myself, accept things for what they are and get on with it.

I am taking my unhappiness out on my child and that's not on.

Now, where did I put that valium??

Would you be willing to get counseling?

Both for yourself, to try to work out what's driving your perfection complex, and to try to improve your relationship.

The best thing you could do for your daughter and for yourself is to improve your relationship and your own happiness. That's what will have the greatest impact on her, not how much time you spend taking her to activities.

Counseling can help you break the sort of mental habits you've built up over time, it's really great if you give it a try.