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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding money he owes me?

97 replies

ihatecbeebies · 27/11/2011 12:08

I was very certain that I was being reasonable but as DP is so adamant that I'm not I've started to doubt myself.

When DP was looking for a job (we didn't live together at this point) I helped him out a lot financially, I didnt have a lot of money but had a bit more than him so I helped him out and gave him a lot of money over a period of about 5 months. We agreed that once he was working he'd give me it back at £100 a month until he'd paid it all back, which worked out well for me as he gets paid a week before me so I get that money in my 'skint week'.

He gave me £100 last month and I was obviously expecting it this month too as we'd agreed and as I had to get a winter jacket and some new warmer clothes for DS I was quite skint and relying on it. He was paid yesterday and when I asked for it he was shocked and said that I shouldn't be expecting it this month as he'd taken 3 sick days (not actually sick just had another job interview and wanted to prepare) and hadn't been paid for it so had lost £130.

He says I'm being unreasonable for expecting the money when he'd been underpaid, but I didn't know that would happen and was relying on it, I've only got 1 more student loan payment before Christmas and am now going to be £100 down.

Am I being unreasonable and should I not complain about being £100 down as he was underpaid or should he stick to what he agreed and give me the money he agreed to?

OP posts:

hopenglory · 27/11/2011 13:42

oh how sweet of him - he wants to use your money to buy you presents, never mind that he's leaving you short. Tosser!

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 27/11/2011 13:43

Seriously Lassylass what is your problem???

Really?

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 13:49

femdrone?

Is this like that quote - about how people "accuse" others of being a feminist when they express opinions that differentiate them from a doormat?

I am agog that it is feminist bile to suggest that a man meet his obligation to repay a debt

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 13:50

The banks and mortgage companies are all run by feminists, dontchaknow, that's why they are so keen on debt repayment

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 14:09

soooo he's not going to repay money that he owes her and which she needs in order to purchase essentials, because he is going to use the money she loaned him and which he was supposed to pay back, to buy a present for her instead because he isn't going to buy a gift AND pay her back in the same month, so she can go without the essential thing for her child that she needed to buy but she'll get a present. And she's supposed to be happy with that and any suggestion that he's taking the piss is feminist bullshit.

okay then.

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 27/11/2011 14:19

Nasty mean Femdrones (snigger) making all the poor mens pay back the money they own.

Bad Woman, Bad Woman, very naughty.

TBH it doesn't matter what the op wants to spend her money on it's her money.
She can bloody burn it if that?s what she wants.

It's her money, that she earned and had every right to expect it as per their agreement.

I think it's insulting to men to assume that they don't have an obligation to stick to their agreements.

The question is, will OP spend the 100 on herself or her DS? OP made a big thing of the awful deprivation her DS is going through (though she skips over the fact that she blew her own salary + 100 this month already). I'll bet that nice new coat looks awfully tempting still...
WTF, actually I?m starting to wonder if Lassylass is actually the OP boyfriend?

Maybe OP is finding it a bit hard as she loaned her 'D'P money earlier in the year??? Just wondering.

kelly2000 · 27/11/2011 14:25

He owes you the money, and is now refusing to pay you unless he feels he has the spare cash. He is being an unreasonable entitled twat. Get the money back, then leave him. The attiotude will spread to other aspects of you relationship (how could you possibly expect him to do his share of housework, he had football that week!!! etc).

Lassy,
He is a grown man, if he wanted the money he shoudl have gone to his bank manager instead of getting from his partner and then acting as if he was doing her a favour in returning it. It is none os his business whether she wanted the money to use as wallpaper or to pay for the hetaing bill, it is her money not his and he agreed to pay it back, the poor ickle didums that he is.

MigratingCoconuts · 27/11/2011 14:34

can't he buy the birthday present on credit card and pay it off from next month's wage packet by carefully budgeting throughout January like the rest of us bloody well do

Withdrawing your present is simply spiteful, which is shocking given that you lent him money to help him out in the first place

MigratingCoconuts · 27/11/2011 14:35

lassy, stop sucking on lemons and lighten up

MrsHoarder · 27/11/2011 14:48

lassy: she is an adult who has drawn up a reasonable budget based on known income. He's just wisked away part of that without warning, which is unreasonable behaviour.

You don't know the OP's financial situation, something else could have needed that extra £100 last month (car problems, new uniform, anything) and some people do live paycheque to paycheque. I don't, but even then I haven't had a new coat for 3 years. OTH children grow and need new clothes more often.

flaminnorah · 27/11/2011 15:06

I find it a bit odd that you're keeping finances separate after you've moved in together tbh. I was in a similar position to your DP when I moved in with my DH, I had to borrow a large sum from him which I was paying back monthly. But when we moved in together, it triggered various changes to my student finance and tax credits as all these systems regard the household as a joint unit, so it was clear that DH was expected to support us (me and DS from previous relationship).

DH has effectively written off the rest of the loan because it made no sense to him to be passing money between us in the household and he sees it as part of the role he took on when he married me (I know you're not married OP, but the tax credits/student finance systems treat cohabitees no differently from married couples).

FabbyChic · 27/11/2011 15:08

The OP has not said she lives with him has she?

Original poster

ihatecbeebies · 27/11/2011 15:12

Thanks for all the replies, I've just came back and noticed that a few have been deleted though, maybe it's best if I don't ask what they said!

Ladylass, I haven't bought a coat this year, I've been using a coat I've had for a couple of years, not as I'm so hard done by or anything though just it doesn't need replacing and I like it it has also got big deep pockets for filling with rubbish

Someone asked his age earlier sorry I've just noticed that, he'll be 28 in January, he was off from the tuesday to the thursday and his interview was a Wednesday so I think it was also partially an excuse to have a break. I've been with him for 3 years but have been friends with him for 7 years, we get on great normally, he's really kind and lovely in every other way, just not with money.

I dont think I said how hard done by my DS was though? He DID need new winter clothes as he took a stretch and I blew my money last month on some much needed furniture (a bed for DS as his broke) but thought I'd be ok as I'd worked out that I'd get this £100 this week. I was more annoyed at dp's attitude and that he'd told me at the last minute when I asked for the money rather than last month or a couple of weeks ago and I could have budgeted accordingly.

OP posts:

Original poster

ihatecbeebies · 27/11/2011 15:13

And he'll take 10 months to pay off the money.

OP posts:

ShellyBoobs · 27/11/2011 15:19

ihatecbeebies I wouldn't waste your breath words justifying yourself to a poster who's being deliberately inflammatory.

The question: AIBU to expect the money to be paid back as per the agreement?

MN verdict: (other than Lassylass who would probably argue that black is white) YANBU.

No need to justify length of time since DS (or you for that matter) has had a new coat, or what else you might have spent YOUR money on last month.

HattiFattner · 27/11/2011 15:23

clearly if he cannot afford to buy you a birthday present, you cannot afford to buy him a christmas present. Sound fair?

tallwivglasses · 27/11/2011 15:29

10 months? Charge him interest. Tight fucker.

lassylass · 27/11/2011 15:36

He'll pay it back OP, but Christmas is a classic excuse for skipping a month. Annoying I know but one of those things you put up with in a relationship. You arent a bank manager, and he isnt a red flag waving abuser of women as some of the more energetic posters demand you think.

Whats with all the deletes? Whoever had been banging the report button has ruined a perfectly good sunday morning AIBU thread.

kelly2000 · 27/11/2011 15:47

No you do not put up woth being owed money in a relationship. He is not beign charged interest, he is just being asked to pay it back, and he is refusing to pay it back unless she feels he can spare the money. That is not what happens in a good relationship, I pity anyone who feels hois behaviour is normal for a relationship. If he had anythign about him he would be des[erate to pay her back, not treating he rlike a cash machine.

OP, finish with him, he sounds like a child. Taking three days off work to prepare for an interview, when one of the days was after the interview is pathetic, no wonder he found it difficult to get a good job with that attitude. Then refusing to pay back the money unless he feels like it, if he feels like a holiday then you will not get paid as far as he is concerened. There are plenty of people in the world, why go out with an idiot.

pixiestix · 27/11/2011 15:47

Someone's a bit trigger happy at MN Towers today! That convo was interesting, not offensive imo.

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 16:17

How long was the interview? Half an hour? Out of 3 days...

Basically he took 3 days off and he wants you to pay for it

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 16:20

If you want to be with him then you need to think about how your finances are going to be structured going forward as clearly he is very tightfisted.

Think about how it is going to work with family holidays and things. Do you earn less than him but will have to pay for you and DS? How are you going to feel when this stuff happens again? How do you feel now about what has happened here - you will get the £100 but not get anything for your birthday - if he actually doesn't even buy you a card / do something cheap but thoughtful how are you going to feel?

Earlybird · 27/11/2011 16:21

I'm intrigued by another angle of this:

you helped him financially for 5 months when he wasn't working. He has (presumably) been working only a few months since he just started repaying you last month.

Why is he looking for another job already, and why does he need 3 days to prepare for the interview?

He doesn't sound a very reliable employee or partner, imo. And, if he's not careful with his behaviour/attitude, he might lose the current job (presume he is still in probationary period?), and seriously damage his relationship with you.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/11/2011 16:22

Ah, the traditional sport of competitive reporting.

I hope I never make the mistake of lending money to Lassylass; she/he seems to have a rather cavalier view on repayment. (Now complain about that, I dare you. I've never been deleted before. Make my day.)

Re the cocklodger boyfriend, I didn't notice anybody else saying "abuse", but I think a few said words to the effect of "mean bugger", which seems like a fair enough verdict and is frankly a bad basis for a long term relationship. Maybe it is indicative of financial abuse in the making, who knows, but for now it's enough that it denotes selfishness and a careless attitude to (a) money and (b) other people's needs, not to mention a shocking lack of morality.

SardineQueen · 27/11/2011 16:27

Oh I just noticed that there are a load of posts deleted on here!

How peculiar

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