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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my boyfriend here when I come home from my night out?

89 replies

BobbingWool · 26/11/2011 14:44

We don't live together but he does sometimes stay here on weekends (and alternatively I sometimes stay at his house other weekends). Anyway he gets a bit funny about me going out with friends on weekends as its the only time we get to see each other (not true, we often see each other during the week for coffee etc too). So the past few times I've gone out he's asked if he can stay at my house so that he's here when I get home. No skin off my nose, if he wants to sit in an empty house all night until 2am then whatever!
Anyway I'm going out tonight and he keeps texting asking if he can come and stay here the night. I can't really explain my reasons for this but I just don't want him to. I want to go out with the girls and come home to my house, have the bed to myself, suffer my hangover in peace etc - I just don't want him around tonight. He doesn't understand as "what harm am I doing just sat in your house while you're out?" etc but AIBU to say I just don't want him here tonight?? especially as there is no specific reason for it, I just "don't".

AIBU? if not, how do I word it so it doesn't sound quite as blunt as "I just don't want you here"?

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 26/11/2011 14:47

Wanting to sit in an empty house while you're out is most odd.

Is he not off out with his own friends?

Has he boiler issues and finding his own home chilly?

You need to ask why he feels the need to sit in wait for you.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 14:47

YANBU. Why can't he just stay at his and see you tomorrow?

Say "No, but shall we meet for brunch?"

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/11/2011 14:49

Have you posted before?

discobeaver · 26/11/2011 14:49

Bit of a stalker alert. He wants to make sure you don't bring anyone else home. Tell him no, you don't have to give a reason, just say he can't stay.

Original poster
BobbingWool · 26/11/2011 14:50

He gets invited out with guys from work all the time but will never go, he prefers to just sit around waiting for me. It does my head in! One of his friends is on my friend list so I know they're going out tonight, why can't he go with them?

See another thing is when he does stay here he insists on waking me up at 6am asking if I want a coffee etc when I want to do is sleep the drink off.

OP posts:
SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 26/11/2011 14:51

If you don't want him at yours while you're not there (personally I think it's damn weird he would want to be there when you're out) then tell him you wont be there. End of. It's your home, you don't have to tell him the reason why.

It sounds like he wants to check up on you- what time you get back, if any comes with you- is he insecure? Hell, maybe he simply wants to rifle through your stuff while you're not around?

Vicky2011 · 26/11/2011 14:59

He clearly doesn't trust you. Definitely needs calling on it. As a pp said, if he misses you at the weekend why not meet for Sunday brunch and then spend the afternoon together?? The flags are of the red variety I'm afraid.

dreamingbohemian · 26/11/2011 15:00

YANBU

And think about binning him. Multiple texts begging to stay at your house while you're out + waking you at 6 am = controlling, insecure weirdo.

He would rather sit around waiting for you than go out with friends? No, no, no.

(and if you are the poster who keeps posting about this, please, really, get some therapy and figure out why you can't leave this guy)

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 15:02

Yes, my radar is twitching...

Sounds unattractively needy at best.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 26/11/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Themumsnot · 26/11/2011 15:03

Have you posted about this sort of thing before, OP? Because this is sounding strangely familiar. If not, then my advice to you is the same as what everyone told the other poster. Just. Say. No.
If he has a problem with that, then he is a controlling/needy freak that you need to kick to the kerb pronto. Because things can only get worse.

Original poster
BobbingWool · 26/11/2011 15:04

Ive just text him saying "i think it's a bit pointless you sat here on your own all night while I'm out so I'll see you either monday or tuesday"

I'll let you know his response.

OP posts:
Catsdontcare · 26/11/2011 15:05

Oh lord you need to stamp this out now or he'll just get worse

although this is a familiar post so if this is an ongoing issue why arent you tackling it?

FetchezLaVache · 26/11/2011 15:06

It is very familiar, but I think in that case it was a boyfriend who insisted on picking his GF up from her nights out. This sounds similarly like checking up, though. Be very interested to see what his response is!

MahatmaGloves · 26/11/2011 15:06

Yes, I've read this before too. Same responses- he is still a needy drip/controlling would be-abuser. Tell him no, have a hissy fit if need be, or better still, dump him. He sounds really boring too.

Millie1 · 26/11/2011 15:09

Gosh, I remember a similar thread a few weeks back too .... are you the same OP. If so, please dump him, if not, have a hunt for the original thread. These types of men sound very controlling - shiver!

MahatmaGloves · 26/11/2011 15:10

I've just seen your text- it isn't pointless to HIM, is it? You have to be more direct, and make it about you: "I don't want you to wait for me in my house- I'd prefer to sleep the drink off on my own and not feel like I've got a curfew, which is how knowing you are waiting for me is going to make me feel". If he ch

Sandalwood · 26/11/2011 15:11

It's worth you looking up that other thread OP. Where the boyfriend wanted to pick her up/stay at hers etc when she went out with friends.
I think it'll look familiar to you and could be of some help to you.

MahatmaGloves · 26/11/2011 15:11

...chooses to get stroppy, then just have the bloody row: he needs to be put straight on this whiny clinginess. Very unattractive.

Catsdontcare · 26/11/2011 15:25

Unfortunately he'll just respond to your text along the lines of "Oh I'm happy being at yours on my own, it's nice to wake up together blah, blah, blah" and then you are back to square one.

If you don't want him there then tell him.

clairefromsteps · 26/11/2011 15:27

Sounds like either:

a) he has trust issues and is seeking to control you

or

b) he misses you so much that he would rather sit in an empty house than go out with his mates.

Neither option bode well, I'm afraid. I watched a friend of mine go through this exact situation. First he severed all contact with his mates and then gradually worked on her until she'd lost contact with all of hers. When we told her that her new boyfriend was creepy and controlling voiced our concerns, she stopped talking to us. For seven years. Don't make the same mistake she did. If you think the relationship is worth pursuing then talk to him and get him to see he has to back off a bit. If not, then leg it.

pictish · 26/11/2011 15:31

Stick to your guns OP. Your home is YOUR space and you must remain in sole control of it. If you say yes this time, he'll want to be there every time. Then you'll never get peace when you want it.

His wanting to be at yours while you are out is odd and needy and clingy and bleuch!

ComradeJing · 26/11/2011 15:43

Creepy OP. Very, very creepy.

I would say get rid if he can't respect even such a basic boundary.

hopenglory · 26/11/2011 15:48

"No, not tonight". You don't need to give him an explanation - and if this doesn't stop him then you have something to worry about

FetchezLaVache · 26/11/2011 15:52

Does he have keys to your house?

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