To not want my boyfriend here when I come home from my night out?

[BobbingWool]

We don't live together but he does sometimes stay here on weekends (and alternatively I sometimes stay at his house other weekends). Anyway he gets a bit funny about me going out with friends on weekends as its the only time we get to see each other (not true, we often see each other during the week for coffee etc too). So the past few times I've gone out he's asked if he can stay at my house so that he's here when I get home. No skin off my nose, if he wants to sit in an empty house all night until 2am then whatever!
Anyway I'm going out tonight and he keeps texting asking if he can come and stay here the night. I can't really explain my reasons for this but I just don't want him to. I want to go out with the girls and come home to my house, have the bed to myself, suffer my hangover in peace etc - I just don't want him around tonight. He doesn't understand as "what harm am I doing just sat in your house while you're out?" etc but AIBU to say I just don't want him here tonight?? especially as there is no specific reason for it, I just "don't".

AIBU? if not, how do I word it so it doesn't sound quite as blunt as "I just don't want you here"?

So it's not unreasonable of me to just want the night to myself for no particular reason is it?

I mean - if he was going on a night out, I couldn't even imagine saying "Oh can I come and sit in your house while you're out?" It's just plain weird isn't it.

No he doesn't have keys thankfully.

Yes, it's weird. How long have you been seeing him?

About a year. See he doesn't want us to move in together because he wants his space?? wtf. Yet he likes to sit here all night while I go out. He can't have the best of both worlds - having his own space but refusing to let me have mine.

I would be winding down the relationship. He sounds jealous, paranoid, needy and insecure. Consider it a lucky escape and get rid.

Yes it's weird!

It's a case of him needing to be a big feature in your day, even when he has not been scheduled in....iyswim?

You are off out with your mates...and he can't bear not being the priority, so he tries to nudge his way in there anyway. It's a great big 'ME! ME! MEEEEE!'

As for waking you up and asking if you want a coffee at 6am? Jog on pal...jog on!

Has he responded to your text yet?

Has he replied?
Can't imagine someone in my house without me there - I'd be paranoid they would go through all my drawers and stuff!

Yes, it is weird, but it's one of those where he can so easily turn it around to say "You must have something to hide, you must be planning to bring someone home", which is what makes it so controlling. It's a form of gaslighting I suppose, he gradually gets you to put up with a load of behaviour that you're instinctively uncomfortable with but can't necessarily explain why.

Ah but he clearly thinks he CAN have his own space but deny you yours, doesn't he?

No response yet but he leaves work at 4pm so I'm expecting it anytime soon.

Fetchez, that's exactly what he will say! "well it's wierd how you're so dead against me being here when you come home, how suspicious".

Oh ok, he's just replied saying "if that's what you want that's ok, please text me in morning so I know you got home safe and I'll see you Monday or Tuesday xx"

That is VERY out of character for him!! How strange.

Well, turn it back round and say if he doesn't trust you to be faithful to him, there's no future in it and he'd better jog the fuck on!

Sorry OP, your bf sounds like a nutjob.

Oh well, that's a good response! However it doesn't mean that it's all done and dusted and he's no longer needy or inclined towards controlling.

I'm starting to think he's realising I'm going off the relationship and he's making sure he doesn't give me any "excuses" to call time on it. I think this because he did something else way out of character last week too when I told him I'd be going out with friends at the weekend he was all like "oh yes you should! you need to get out and enjoy yourself" which is very, very out of character.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad to be honest. Oh well, time to go and get ready! x

Then your response must be 'Ok then, you think what you want, but I'm still going to say no to you staying here. I've got nothing to prove, and the answer remains no. Like it or lump it."

Or you know....words to that effect.

Maybe he's been pointed in the direction of this thread!

Oh sorry - cross posted. That's good then. Have a good night OP!

You need to mark this down as a RED FLAG love. too many of these, and you know what to do.

if there is any sulking, interrogation, or repercussions/consequences of your night out and him not being there to police you when you get back? BIN HIM.

Even asking for a text in the morning is STILL keeping his hand in. You don't have to text him anything! You are not 14 and he is not your father!! You were going out and doing your own thing quite fine before he came along.

He's making it look like he cares...and he does, but only about himself.

It's so insidious isn't it? On the surface of it, he's the concerned boyfriend, so it looks like you are overreacting if you complain about it. However, you know he's just making sure that you don't have a social life without having to consider him first. He has worked out that he is being too pushy and obvious by requesting he stay the night, so he has toned it down to you having to text him when you get in so he still features in the proceedings so he can make sure you're alright.

Be wary OP. Trust your instinct.

Someone posted about this recently. If it wasn't op then there are certainly some needy men out there.

"Just assume no news is good news- I'll be having a lie-in tomorrow"

mahatmagloves - quite!

Yes text that.

"Won't text in the AM as will be sleeping it off, see you Mon or Tue x"

This is the third time I've read almost exactly the same OP. If you didn't post previously, do a search and read the responses to that - the last time was only about 2 or 3 months ago.