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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting pissed off at people telling me why I shouldn't find out the sex?

66 replies

nightowlmostly · 25/11/2011 08:22

The thing is, people ask, 'are you going to find out the sex?' and I say yes, and then they start going on about all the reasons why we shouldn't.

I realise that it isn't the end of the world or anything, but AIBU to think that we've made the decision that is right for us as a couple, and people should respect that and mind their own bloody business? It seems that they think it will be more exciting for them for it to be a surprise or something.

For us, the reasons we have decided to find out, (if they can tell us, obviously), are that it would be easier to plan a nursery, even though we don't plan to go mad pink or blue, it will help us with choosing a name, and my DH is really excited about finding out. I want him to feel as involved and attached to the bump as possible, so I feel that being able to refer to it as 'he' or 'she' rather than 'it' will help with that.

Fair enough, other people make different decisions and I understand why they may choose to keep it as a surprise, but why do they feel they have the right to tell me what I should be doing? Like I said, I know it's not that big a deal and that there is probably a lot more if this sort of thing to come, but I am getting pissed off and am likely to snap at the next person that does it!

Sorry, it got long, needed to vent!

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 25/11/2011 10:37

It wouldn't matter either way.

If you said you were waiting to find out at the birth someone would tell you why you should find out at the scan.

We didn't find out, we bought neutral basics and enjoyed the "if it's a girl..." and "if we have a boy..." conversations.

And we did get a lot of "But you should find out because..." from everyone.

I don't think they meant any harm though, so I would smile and nod along and then just say "but we want to wait for the surprise."

Plus, if we had found out earlier, we would have had all the "You are going to call him/her the Traditional Horrible Family Name aren't you?" conversations with DH's family, so you aren't safe from the "you should do's" either way.

Katiepoes · 25/11/2011 10:49

It's all part of the 'everyone has the right to comment on all aspects of your pregnancy' rule. It's a rule designed to be ALWAYS on the ooposite side of what the actual pregnant woman wants or thinks. So by definition you aer always unreasonable, the rule says so.

We knew but pretended we didn't. I had to bit back a feck off more than once though - my baby wriggled a lot while I as pregnant and my mum was 100% certain she was a boy because 'boys move more'.

Andrewofgg · 25/11/2011 11:10

Mind your own business is a complete sentence. There are various words you can add after own.

Rhiana1979 · 25/11/2011 11:24

I'm due in 2 days and we've been told all the way through the pregnancy that we should have found out. We decided very early on we were going to save finding out until the birth.

The amount of "how can you not find out" "you need to know in order to bond" "I hate neutral colours" "how do you know what colour to do the nursery"

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't

NinkyNonker · 25/11/2011 11:26

We found out, but didn't tell anyone we were going to, or what the result was as was no-ones business. We prob won't find out this time round.

valiumredhead · 25/11/2011 11:32

First baby OP? Bit of a shocker to discover that everyone and their dog has an opinion on what you should do now you are a parent.

Hang on in there, it does get worse ahem... better!

SarahBumBarer · 25/11/2011 11:48

YANBU - I was astonished when I was pg with DC1 a the questions I was asked. It made me feel that I had been really rude and disinterested with other people's prgenancies because I was always sensitive to what they might want to keep to themselves and tried not to pry. I actually quite enjoyed it but now that I am pg with DC2 I have just had the first really negative reaction to a name choice and I wanted to say "sod off you miserable, boring, ugly Dave". All I ever say to name choices are "ah that's nice" unless I really really like them in which case I say why too.

People!

Andrewofgg · 25/11/2011 11:55

Rhiana1979 Good luck in either event!

HipHopOpotomus · 25/11/2011 11:58

... yet here you are justifying to MN why you want to find out the sex!! Grin Why do you feel the need to do that? You don't have to you know. Your body, your baby, your life, your decision.

I had pretty much the same reaction from lots of people when I told then I WASN'T going to find out the sex of my 2. People just project their own stuff onto you. Learning to let it wash over you is a good plan & will help in the future.

TooImmature2BDumbledore · 25/11/2011 12:03

YANBU - Dad won't let me tell him what the sex is, for the second pregnancy running. It drives me mad! It's not going to change between now and March and in fact, because I had an amnio, it is definite with no room for error (unless they matched up my name with a different set of results). I have told Granny just to wind him up. Grin

blackeyedsusan · 25/11/2011 12:06

yanbu. they are being rude. tell them they are being rude.

EssexGurl · 25/11/2011 12:28

YANBU. We did with both babies - but did not tell anyone what we were having. DS knew he was having a sister but would tell people a different sex each time anyway, so no-one really knew. Anyway, I was convinced DD was a boy. Absolutely convinced and had picked out a name and everything. When we had the scan I almost told them I didn't need to know as it was a boy. When they told me it was a girl I was gobsmacked. It honestly took me a good few months to get my head around. Then when I was 39 weeks pregnant I burst into tears in the supermarket as a woman in front of me had two boys and I would never have that. Stupid I know. But that was how I felt. DD is now 2 and I couldn't imagine not having her. But I think it might have been different if she had appeared and I hadn't known. You do what is right for you and your family.

VikingLady · 25/11/2011 13:03

YANBU.

We spent ages trying to decide whether to find out and tell everyone, find out and tell no-one, or not find out. We're both very anti-pink/girly stuff and was concerned that people would start buying hideous presents that are difficult to get rid of (don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I am NOT having anything that sparkles and says "princess" on it or implies they will want to grow up to be a lapdancer).

In the end they couldn't tell. He/she/it kept its legs together and kept twisting away from the sonographer... Eventually it went and hid those bits behind my pelvis. One thing is for sure. We have a shy/mischievous baby...

Andrewofgg · 25/11/2011 13:37

We had a lot of fun keeping two lots of inquisitive relations ignorant that we knew and what we knew.

hiddenhome · 25/11/2011 13:49

I think I read somewhere that knowing the sex can help with bonding after birth. It sort of enhances it and can also help you to come to terms with having a baby that's perhaps not the sex that you'd have chosen ifysiwm.

I chose to find out with ds2 and I'm really glad that I did, as if it had been a girl ds1 would have needed a bit of preparing as he had his heart set on a brother Smile

moominliz · 25/11/2011 13:52

I could never understand why people asked that question and then when I told them that yes we were finding out the sex they seemed disappointed in us, why ask the question in the first place then!

We were told by a midwife that finding out the sex when its born rather than before is the only real surprise you ever get in life! I could only assume she'd led quite a sheltered life as both DP & I have been surprised before!

valiumredhead · 25/11/2011 13:53

I didn't want to know the sex as I knew 2 people who had been told the opposite of what they were actually having!

rogersmellyonthetelly · 25/11/2011 13:55

I would listen to all the reasons why not, then say "here is a good reason why. I WANT TO, and that's the only reason that matters "

Katiepoes · 25/11/2011 13:56

I am shallow. We found out becasue I wanted to know just to know. No noble bonding or preparimg reasons for us I'm afraid.

OP soon this will stop. To be replaced by 'will you choose a creche or a minder' 'will you cook your own/use jars' 'will you use cloth/disposable nappies' 'will you use a soft sling/bbaby bjorn...that's up to week 4.....

There is no right answer. Accept now that you are always always wrong and you are directly responsible for rearing a future delinquent unless you agree with you Mum/FIL/neighbour/randomer in Tesco and trust me, the freedom will be wonderful.

hiddenhome · 25/11/2011 13:58

All the hassling tends to stop when you have your second Grin People just try it on when they know it's your first. Be confident and do what you and your dh want.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 25/11/2011 13:58

YANBU. It's so interesting how, once you're pregnant, you've suddenly got a huge number of people offering their opinions (and often pushing them onto you) about all sorts of matters. Unfortunately (if this is your first baby) you'll have to get used to the nosiness & develop a thick skin asap. :(

thejoanwilder · 25/11/2011 15:41

We were originally not going to find out. I was convinced we were having a girl, then started to freak myself out thinking 'what if it's a boy and I'm totally unprepared' (I know, I know). So then we decided to find out, but not tell anyone. Then we told everyone anyway. Yeah, so pretty much a 180.

Katiepoes, my mum asked if I would be feeding the baby myself. I said no, I'll just give her a spoon- sure she'll work it out eventually. Think I made my point ;)

KatAndKit · 25/11/2011 15:45

YANBU I hope to find out at my scan on Monday and my mother thinks this is the worst thing a pregnant woman can possibly do. Back in "her day" she would never have dreamt of finding out the sex.

I did point out that they didn't do routine ultrasound back in the 70s so it wasn't really a decision she had to make.

I want to know because it will help me think of the baby as a real person and bond with it by being able to choose a name and use he or she and buy some little clothes etc. It isn't the end of the world if I can't get to find out, but if I can, I'd like to know.

pissovski · 25/11/2011 15:46

OP just smile and nod and ignore! Grin

we found out. i don't think i got any less of a surprise at 20 weeks than i would have had after 9 months. everyone was already convince i would have a dd, to the point where i nearly was too, so when the scan showed danglies, we were definitely surprised!!

We were also so pleased that we could tell FIL it was a boy. He was hoping it would be. He was very happy to find out, but by that time was very ill. he passed away 6 weeks after we found out, never meeting ds, but i take comfort that he knew this

Rhiana1979 · 25/11/2011 17:39

Rhiana1979 Good luck in either event!

Thanks Andrew :)