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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be getting pissed off at people telling me why I shouldn't find out the sex?

66 replies

nightowlmostly · 25/11/2011 08:22

The thing is, people ask, 'are you going to find out the sex?' and I say yes, and then they start going on about all the reasons why we shouldn't.

I realise that it isn't the end of the world or anything, but AIBU to think that we've made the decision that is right for us as a couple, and people should respect that and mind their own bloody business? It seems that they think it will be more exciting for them for it to be a surprise or something.

For us, the reasons we have decided to find out, (if they can tell us, obviously), are that it would be easier to plan a nursery, even though we don't plan to go mad pink or blue, it will help us with choosing a name, and my DH is really excited about finding out. I want him to feel as involved and attached to the bump as possible, so I feel that being able to refer to it as 'he' or 'she' rather than 'it' will help with that.

Fair enough, other people make different decisions and I understand why they may choose to keep it as a surprise, but why do they feel they have the right to tell me what I should be doing? Like I said, I know it's not that big a deal and that there is probably a lot more if this sort of thing to come, but I am getting pissed off and am likely to snap at the next person that does it!

Sorry, it got long, needed to vent!

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 25/11/2011 08:24

YANBU

We found out the sex both times and I felt like other people made wierd judgements about it. It was just nice to know, that's all.

Ignore comments from others about it. They do not matter.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/11/2011 08:25

YANBU.. and in future, if you're asked the question, change the subject. It falls into the category of 'very personal' and 'mind your own business'. :)

PontyMython · 25/11/2011 08:28

YANBU. We chose to find out mainly for practical reasons, but I think it helped me get to know the babies before they even arrived IYSWIM - they had a gender and they had their name too.

I know a few people who have been desperate for a particular sex, and have chosen not to find out... They spent the whole pregnancy convinced it was one, and the disappointment was pretty clear when the baby was born.

Either way it's none of their business really!

2wwmadness · 25/11/2011 08:29

Yanbu! We find out in 3 weeks. And everyone's got an opinion on it. So only dh and I are going to know. Our little secret. And everyone else can jog on! Xxx

Kayano · 25/11/2011 08:31

Yanbu!!!

I HATED that! I wanted to know dammit! There is only
So much neutral shit I can take lol

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 08:31

YANBU. I had my DD abroad where the policy is sexing of the baby is just not done.
I had an anomaly scan at 28 week (goodness knows why, TOP is not allowed there) and managed to work out that she didn't have any dangly bits.
Your baby, your choice.

KittyFane · 25/11/2011 08:31

Find out for yourselves and don't tell others especially those who have criticised you. You can do what you like OP.

savoycabbage · 25/11/2011 08:31

YANBU, people can get on their high horses about it! Like it's not a surprise when you find out at your scan anyway!

My mother said that you have to move with the times, the technology is there and it's wonderful that we have it and are able to use it.

Say "No, we want to have a 70's experience".

nightowlmostly · 25/11/2011 08:34

I know it shouldn't really bother me, and I don't really mind people discussing what they would choose, as they are just making polite baby conversation really!

The thing I object to is them telling me what I should do. It's only a week to go anyway, then they'll stop, and start having things to say about whatever it turns out to be! From reading MN I have discovered that there is no end to the 'advice' people seem intent on dishing out uninvited, so I suppose I'd better just get used to it...

OP posts:
happenstance · 25/11/2011 08:35

YANBU! We didn't find out mostly because i don't really mind but i did with DC1 and people just said oh but its like getting a Christmas present in july and then having it wrapped back up for you, Erm WTAF.

This time the question seems to be Do you know what it is yet?, which i find equally annoying.

Just remember its not fool proof, felt a bit sorry but had to laugh at the lady on my ward with DC1 who had Balloons with It's a boy and blue everything with her and a very Healthy little Girl :)

VFVF · 25/11/2011 08:40

It's so weird because we have had the opposite reaction!

People say 'have you found out the sex?' and we say no (in a very neutral non smug way), and quite a few have got a bit funny about it and said things like 'Why don't you want to know?' or 'I couldn't see my child infront of me and not find out!'

As if we don't care as much IYSWIM Confused

As it turns out I'm fairly sure I got a good eyeful of fanjo on the scan but I'm not saying anything as I accept I may well be wrong!

We need to swap friends OP Grin

Likesshinythings · 25/11/2011 08:41

My response to those that asked why I didn't want to wait and get a surprise when the baby arrived was "I think the whole event is going to be pretty bloody surprising". I was not wrong!

WifiNappies · 25/11/2011 08:42

Agree with VFVF. You're damned if you do and all that.

We didn't find out and got massively judged for it.

People love to judge - so do what makes YOU happy!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/11/2011 08:46

"From reading MN I have discovered that there is no end to the 'advice' people seem intent on dishing out uninvited"

Exactly. Develop a vague side if asked direct questions and never, ever, EVER admit you're 'not sure' about something to do with your baby to anyone other than your very closest, trusted friend or your doctor. The massed ranks of interfering busybodies love nothing more than a hesitant mother that they can bombard with old wives' tales and you'll never get rid of them.

angelpuss · 25/11/2011 08:50

YANBU

We found out, but 2 people in work didn't want me to tell them and couldn't understand why I wanted to find out. It was very difficult to talk to them without refering to DS as him. It kind of gave the game away though on my last day when I was walking out with gift bags saying "It's a Boy"!! :o

carabos · 25/11/2011 08:52

Now, see, I just don't get this. There's no element of "surprise", whether you find out the gender before the birth or not - it's either a boy or a girl, there's no other option. It's nothing more than a matter of time - i.e. do you want to know the gender of your baby now or later. You can't change it, can't send it back and it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. I don't get why people make any sort of issue about it at all.

FetchezLaVache · 25/11/2011 08:55

YANBU.

We didn't want to know the sex beforehand and LOADS of people, on discovering this, launched into a monologue about how they were so pleased we weren't finding out, it's so much nicer when it's a surprise, etc. I thought it was bloody weird that they had such strong opinions on what other people chose to do!

WifiNappies · 25/11/2011 09:00

CogitoErgo if I could 'like' your post a la Facebook then I would. So so true and I've had a rapid learning curve on that one, damn my self deprecating nature!

Calabria · 25/11/2011 09:24

YANBU - I have recently ended a friendship because the other party was always telling me what I should do/eat/buy/wear/say. So glad I didn't know her when I was pregnant!

BrilliantDisguise · 25/11/2011 09:34

Welcome to parenthood!
Everything you do from now on willbe judged and foundwanting...

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/11/2011 09:58

YANBU. I didn't want to find out the sex beforehand with any of mine - but that was my choice and right for me. Your choice is right for you, and I wouldn't dream of trying to persuade you otherwise. In such a conversation, I might tell someone why I'd made a different decision, but I'd respect their right to be wrong have a different opinion. WinkGrin

knockkneedandknackered · 25/11/2011 10:05

i wanted to know with mine it make it more real too and like you say you can start having fun planning the names.

notso · 25/11/2011 10:22

YANBU as long as you are not one of those annoying "we know but we're not telling" smug types.
I couldn't find out with two of mine it wasn't hospital policy, chose not to with the third and this time, who knows the scans in to weeks and I still can't decide if I want to or not.

Everyone find out in the end though so I don't see what the fuss is about either way!

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 25/11/2011 10:23

I find "I don't care what you think" is an effective shutter-upper Grin

Blatherskite · 25/11/2011 10:23

YANBU. Dh and I wanted to know both times so we found out. Our baby = our choice.

It cut arguments about names by at least 50% Wink

PIL told us we weren't allowed to tell them as they wanted a surprise!

But then, they even told us we needed to have a 3rd baby (we only ever wanted 2) because FIL had decided he liked the name Daisy (we don't) and he wanted a Granddaughter with that name Hmm

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