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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting irritated by the way DP gets everything bought for him?

59 replies

FairytaleofYork · 25/11/2011 08:09

Been together for around 15 months and so still live separetely. We both earn similar wages.

What has become really apparant is that DP's dad is very "soft" in the terms of if DP hints that he needs something, his dad will get his wallet out and asks how much it costs. DP used to make out to me that he felt really guilty when this happened but didn't want to say no in fear of upsetting his dad.

I've now realised this is bullshit, he does it on purpose.

So it's really starting to piss me off that whilst I'm saving for things and working hard for them, DP says he's doing the same when in reality he's simply hinting about stuff to his dad.

One example of this was when we were both saving for a newer car. I spent 6 months scrimping and saving, DP supposedly doing the same and then he turns up at my house one day in a newer car having not saved a penny for it, his dad bought him it. DP then shows off about how much better it is than mine and that I really need to upgrade before mine falls apart (well yeah, easy when you scrounge off your parents isn't it!).

Then I let it slip that I was saving for a new TV. Guess what - 2 weeks later he announces that that his dad has just bought him a 40" Sony HD tv and oh look - it's so much better than yours isn't it?

The latest thing is that we were both saving for a new mobile phone. I was deliberating between just buying a cheapish £100 phone or getting something a bit cooler better. Guess who swanned into my house yesterday with a brand new spanking phone? daddy thought he needed one.

Would this annoy anyone else?? it actually makes me lose respect for him.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/11/2011 08:11

Ooh competitive one upmanship is always such a turn on in a relationship. NOT!

ErnesttheBavarian · 25/11/2011 08:15

Ask his dad to buy you a new car for Christmas.

TheFidgetySheep · 25/11/2011 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 25/11/2011 08:15

Ewww, you are sleeping with this freeloader?

yummybunny · 25/11/2011 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Callisto · 25/11/2011 08:17

Well I think yabu to want to spend £100 on a phone, but apart from that he sounds like a nightmared yanbu to be pissed off. The getting stuff from his dad wouldn't bother me particularly, but the oneupmanship would seriously piss me off.

KWL51 · 25/11/2011 08:17

How old is he? I'm guessing about 18 from your posts any older than that and I'd drop him like a hot brick! Oneupmanship with friends is bad enough and would def be a deal breaker with a man.

slavetofilofax · 25/11/2011 08:18

It would annoy me that he felt the need to show off, instead of sharing his good fortune with you and suggesting that he could sell his phone to put towards your new one.

I think his attitude is the problem, not that his Dad gives him stuff. If my Mum could afford it, she would buy me stuff too, because that's what parents do. If you stay together, you might benefit from his Dad's generosity too. Jealousy is not a nice thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/11/2011 08:18

The sponging would annoy me. In fact, I used to be married to a man from a very privileged background and the clue about how the relationship progressed is in the phrase 'used to be'. :) He was crap with money because his whole life he expected things to just drop into his lap. And when the family business failed, the money ran out and Dad couldn't fork out for new cars or whatever any more, he was quite furious at the injustice of it all!! I'd keep this particular 'DP' as a 'BF'... he sounds rather childish to be so dependent.

yummybunny · 25/11/2011 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FairytaleofYork · 25/11/2011 08:21

He's 38. He's now saying he wants to go on holiday (because I'm going on holiday) but he can't be arsed save that much so he's going to hint about it around his dad.

And to be fair, I wouldn't want to benefit of his dad. I WOULD genuinly feel guilty.

OP posts:
Kayano · 25/11/2011 08:22

Me and DH both work hard but I am a lot more spoilt from my parents than he is Blush

Sometimes it's not always their fault or hinting on. My mother DOES get offended if I say no although I do try. I take her out for meals and try to treat her to things too but everyone's relationship with their parents etc is different.

I had to actually sit her down and ask her to stop buying things for me and the baby and I was saving for the things myself and she had bought more than enough. I then got home to find money slipped in my bag 'for a carseat' Confused
I have yet to speak to her about this. I have however managed to get her bank details for a different matter and said I will trf the money back

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/11/2011 08:22

38? He sounds like Bertie Wooster....

PontyMython · 25/11/2011 08:24

He sounds lurvely Hmm

I don't think I could fancy - let alone love - somebody so blatantly spoilt.

StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 08:25

Have you met his dad?

If not, try and arrange a dinner, and then casually drop into conversation how much of a manchild you think "D"P is, and how they're contributing to it.

And make "D"P pay. If he hints to his dad, block it. "No, this is our treat to your parents, and we are going 50% each on it".

catsmother · 25/11/2011 08:25

This would annoy me too. Actually, the oneupmanship is just childishly pathetic and boasts of "better than yours" makes him sound about 12. I'd take great pleasure in knowing that I really had worked hard and saved sensibly for something I wanted and got it without any help.

However, him being a "daddy's boy" would worry me far more in the long term if I was considering/hoping this relationship would become serious. How would it feel if, when you were living together, he was still getting subbed/spoilt by daddy. It'd create quite a bit of imbalance between us and I'd be concerned that if he's been so used to getting what he wants on demand, he wouldn't be able to step up to the mark when it really mattered and commit himself to spending sensibly and/or saving responsibly - both of which would obviously impact on your financial security. Even if daddy continued to lavish gifts/money on him and you once you were a more established couple, I'd feel very uncomfortable about accepting such regular generosity in case it came with strings attached ... not to mention that adults should be standing on their own two feet except in cases of genuine emergency.

KittyFane · 25/11/2011 08:28

Nooooo! He's 38?!
I thought he was maybe 18 and give the lad a break BUT 38 no that's not an appealing trait!
Hmm Hmm

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 25/11/2011 08:28

Bertie Wooster had an independent income and didn't get anything bought for him!

SwedishKaz · 25/11/2011 08:28

You need to really think about what you want in the future. People do not change, and he will keep doing this. Are there children involved? If so, please remember that they look at us and mimic what we do. Do you want them to be always be the one man up too?
I don't think it's your partner's fault. It's his parents who have spoilt him and made him this way, but just remember that he won't change.

catnet · 25/11/2011 08:29

I expect loads of mnetters get freebies gifts from their own parents. not much difference is there? it it were your dad giving you stuff would you moan?

and perhaps his dad likes giving?

Besom · 25/11/2011 08:34

My dad is like this if I let him, it's his way of showing affection. But me and my db realised quite early on that if he gives us money or buys things he then thinks he's got a right to interfere in our lives. There is a balance to be struck but me and db have to actively refuse him quite a lot.

But it sounds as if your dp has not given this any consideration and I thought you were going to say he was young! So yanbu.

wordfactory · 25/11/2011 08:36

OP why are with this man-child?

Theala · 25/11/2011 08:38

38 has just given me a fit of the giggles. What a fucking loser. (Him, not you.)

OneHandFlapping · 25/11/2011 08:38

I find something faintly domineering about his need to always have bigger, better, and newer than you. It's a subtle put down. I'd wonder what other areas of your life together these attitudes might spill over into.

ViviPru · 25/11/2011 08:40

What wordfactory said.

"he turns up at my house one day in a newer car having not saved a penny for it, his dad bought him it. DP then shows off about how much better it is than mine and that I really need to upgrade before mine falls apart"

This relationship sounds odd at best. In fact you sound like two 17 year old mates.

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