....to wonder how the hell SAhM's coped 30/40/50 years ago.....?

[mustbeanonymous]

...Just wondering really....have spent the day with my dear grandmother who was telling me how things were for her 50/60 years ago bringing up two children. Dear grandfather at work 60/70 hours a week, semi caring role for her own mother who was ill, no playgroups/other structured acticities and a second child who cried and screamed continuously for 3 years, then has severe separation anxiety for 3 years after this. She said she would read in the papers about mothers who had killed their children and think 'I understand why' and that some days she was theoreticalyy not too far away from that herself..........

Biut really, I 'escape' to my part time job and stilll really struggle with the unrelenting demands of my two age 1 and 5, I love them so so much but its the most difficult job I have ever had........

How the hell did people cope back then, pre all of this structure and acticitiy and monitoring and antidepressants????

I think that part of the reason that my Mum coped was because she was 10 years younger having her children. I'm definitely feeling my age.

She also had a great support group of other SAHMs in the same road. There just isn't the critical mass of SAHMs now to help out each other, or to keep a look out so that the DCs can play outside. Not that it's the fault of the WOHMs nowadays, of course, it's just the way that society runs now.

After the birth, I think that the biggest factor was the longer stay in hospital. I would have killed to be able to stay in the postnatal ward (really!) and get breastfeeding properly sorted out, and not have to stress about any of the household things or whether visitors were going to stop by. My Mum also was given sleeping pills (!) so that she could rest at night while her babies were in the nursery.

On the other hand, when I think of her washing all the terry nappies in a twin tub, and waiting on her Mum - hand, foot and finger - when her Mum came to "help" a week after the birth. Well, then I do wonder how on Earth she coped.

What an interesting thread. I was born in 1963 and my mother widowed when i was 6. I had sweets at Christmas only and was clothed from jumble sales. We were often cold and i know mum went hungry to feed me. I remember few happy times really - i was teased because "you havent got a daddy". Times have changed for so many of us. Thank goodness.

Wellll ... this is period of my childhood. Admittedly we were poor and in a small village, but:

• everything revolved around the family; too much really. No mixing or meeting with many other people at all. For my mum's generation, 'friends' were what you had as a kid. As an adult you were only supposed to have your family. I think she has been terrifically lonely.
• I'm convinced Mum had pnd but no help for it. You didn't admit to such things then
• mum had virtually no ante natal check ups or postnatal care at all. She remembers once having to walk the 3 miles to the doctors with the pram when I was unwell
• no baby groups or nurseries. I never left mum's side till I went to school at 5, having no idea how to socialise with other kids and spent most of my time crying in playground
• no poncey stuff like central heating, fitted carpets or automatic washing machines. All housework took her hours
• Saturday shopping meant going from one shop to the other to see which food was cheapest and where. Took up a whole bleedin' morning
• no mains sewage or flush toilets in our houses till 1970 - so in 1969 we could put a man on the moon but not provide basic sanitation in many rural areas

MrsTittleMouse - I think whether a weeks stay in hospital is good after giving birth, depends on the hospital. My mum gave birth to me at 19 and hated being in the hospital. She said the nurses all treated her like a silly little girl. They took me away to sleep separately to give the mums a rest, when she desperately wanted to be with me. When the Dr came round they were all told beforehand to sit up nicely in bed, the nurses would smooth the sheets and blankets diown and make the ward look nice. My dad could only visit for two and a half hours a day. She was desperate to get out!

I think whatever period of time you're in a SAHM will always get bored, fed up, depressed and feel a bit worthless. It goes with the job. It's just how you deal with it that makes the difference. There is always someone having a shittier time than me. That's what gets me though. Oh, and alcohol.

I dont know why anyone would wat to stay in the hospital I am hoping I dont even stay the night this time as I am currently pregnant. Its an awful, horrible experience being stuck in the hospital.

I was born in 1963. My Dad wouldn't let my Mum go back out to work until my younger sister was 5 and had started school, so that was 1973 by the time things got a bit easier for us. When I was young, we had no TV, only the radio. Radio Caroline being the station of choice for my Mum. We did have central heating as the winter I was born was a nasty one. My younger sister was the only one of us to go to playgroup/nursery at all.

We had a funny sort of second hand washing machine for a few years - it was a top loader. Then we got given a twin tub and it was my job to take the washing out of the machine and do the spin drying.

Disposable nappies only came on the market when my sister was born - they were on a roll and you tore a length off. Until then, it was "terry towelling".

They had to fiddle my Dad's expenses as he just didn't earn enough money to pay the bills and feed us all. We didn't have fitted carpet in any of the rooms. We wore second hand clothes, only got 10p pocket money when we were older (I still remember only getting 10p in 1974 - "spend half and save half"). We did get a black and white TV eventually and only got a colour TV in 1980 something.

We could play out in the evenings until we went to secondary school, then it all stopped. During the holidays we went off for hours and hours on our bikes.

I think that my Mum either had depression or PND but just had to deal with it as my Dad was seriously ill until a heart by-pass when I was 14.

I dont think the wimps of today could hack what the strong women of days gone by had to contend with.

They go to pieces if the breadmaker bakes it too crusty!! No they definitely dont make them like they used to unfortunately,

I think whatever period of time you're in a SAHM will always get bored, fed up, depressed and feel a bit worthless.

I disagree - in times gone, women didnt have that luxury, they just had to get on with it and step up.

I was born in 1950 - the youngest of 3. I guess my mum was lucky - she had a 'daily' and a washing machine. Washing machines weren't automatic though - she still had to haul them our, put them through the mangle (and into a sink of 'dolly blue' and then through the Mangle again. Washing lines dodn't have steel cores then - so they broke and dirtied the washing frequently. My Mum was a SAHM, as was every MC Mum of the time, but as we grew older I could tell that she was bored out of her mind - she was very bright! She had worked before she had children as an osteopath.

My Dad grew all our own veggies, did the DIY and decorating - but that was it! He NEVER ever cooked a meal or did a load of washing or bathed us. We played out from morning to night, only coming in for meals. Our favourite playground was the grounds of the local Mental Hospital!!!!!

Manners were much better then - most men wore hats and raised them if they passed a woman on the street. We didn't have central heating and I remember ice on the inside of the windows.

We had seaside holidays in the West Country in static caravans - great for we children, but not much of a holiday for my poor Mum was it? She still had to do all she did at home, but in a more confined space. No one ate out on a regular basis in those days.

I had my eldest in 1979 - and was bought a big Silver Cross pram by my MIL. It, too, had a seat for the toddler! All 4 of mine slept outside in it during the day, regardless of the weather!!!

milk fever for Magneto - yes, it looks like it was mastitis

I was born in 1962 and my mother did not have to go out to work as they could afford to live very well on my father's income. She grew vegetables, kept dogs, had all day free when my sister and I were at school, and she had my Granny available to look after us when she and my dad went on trips to the USA for weeks at a time. My sister and I were free to roam completely unsupervised, around the countryside on our bicycles from the age of about 6 throughout weekends and holidays while my parents got on with their own lives. Housing was cheap enough for them to be able to afford a detached country cottage.

My DS was born in the 90's. He is severely disabled. Whereas in the 50's, parents of disabled children were told to put them into large hospitals and forget they ever existed, now our children are expected to stay at home but with totally inadequate support. Both DH and I work part time - not enough suitable childcare - and we have scraped enough together for an interest-only mortgage on a tiny house, that is not suitable for DS's needs and that we will never truly own. DS needs 24 hour supervision and does not sleep. My other children have had to be chaperoned until the age of about 10 or 11. We never go on holiday without the children and we can only afford the cheapest holidays which my disabled son cannot access.

I do however, have a washing machine and not a twin tub like my mother!

I was born in 1977. My mum had a washing machine and she went to coffee mornings and I went to playgroup, then nursery school. I would not say she was isolated at all.

Thing that do shock me about her situation are that we had no central heating til I was 8. In the winter it was not uncommon to wake up with the water frozen in the pipes and the toilet bowl with solid ice in it. I am a teacher and if a child I taught was living like that, I would be filling in cause fir concern forms! (I suspect having no central heating us why older generations are obsessed with wrapping babies up warm at all times) We had a car and my mum could drive, but only my dad ever used the car. My mum days it never occurred to her at the time that she was 'allowed' to drive it. She went shopping daily til I was seven or eight, with a big silver cross pram and put the shopping in with whichever baby was in there at the time. There was a screw on seat for a toddler.

My nan (now passed on) was ordered advised not to breastfeed and had her boobs strapped down after birth to prevent milk from coming in. She was ordered to have a strict routine and was too scared to pick up her crying babies unless the HCPs 'found out'.

My mum and my nan used to leave babies out in their prams at the bottom if the garden with the back door shut for hours every day.

My nan insisted that PND didn't exisit in her day because they all 'accepted what it was to be a mother' Hormones didn't come into it in her view. God knows what happened to women who did suffer.

My Granny was a working full-time lone parent, and wore lots of hats!

valium / gin

only read op

My nan had two babies one year apart and worked three jobs to support the family as my grandad became very seriously I'll shortly after second baby (my dad) was born. The children were looked after by neighbour and a good friend. They went picking fruit in the summer for extra money and took the children along, they also walked the five miles to town for coal in the winter, which they pushed back in the babies pram. This was the early sixties. The house did not have central heating until 2008! My nan said they were glad to do it (the walk to get coal) because they knew they could boil up the water and get the nappies washed. Twin tub washer was in use until 2006. My grandparents never owned a car, video recorder, and they rented their television from radio rentals!

Lequeen - but not everyone had these things. My mum was diagnosed with cancer in 1970 and my dsis and I moved to the relative comfort of my GPs council house. The family consisted of my GPs, my mum and dad, my dsis and I, and my 2 younger aunties, so 4 adults, 2 teenagers, 2 children. They installed a phone - a luxury but sitll on a party line, so that the hospital could get in touch. There was NO heating upstairs, hot water was heated by the fire in the front room. I think we had a twin tub, but I can clearly remember my nan boiling terry nappies in the pressure cooker.. Lino and rugs.

Well apart from my mum dying, I remember a happy childhood. We never starved or went without. We played out a lot. Xmas pressies tended to be hand made dollhouses or cribs with knitted doll's clothes - and loads of selection boxes and tat from my numerous aunts.

It must have been BLOODY hard on my GMs part though. And I know my youngest aunt feels sad that her teenage years were blighted by the loss of her sister, and being expected to take a lot of responsibilty at a young age.

I agree with thingy- people are just far more self obsessed and entitled now. Take the double buggy thing- unfortunatly many parents are too unfit to push a heavy silver cross. We've become richer and weaker. My nan didn't expect much; I get the impression people didn't. A good marriage and healthy kids were about the extent of their expectations.
My mum was a sahm 1980-1990 and went back to work because she was bored of it. She wanted to stay at home wity her babies, she did, then got a job when she'd had enough. People didn't seem to agonise as much.

I actually think that it's natural to worry about something; so in the absence of problems we just MAKE something a problem. I think thas why you notice often children on sink estates from poor families have a lot more freedom to roam; their parents have a lot of serious worries, try can't add in a worry about an imaginary peodophile.

Hmmm, thoughts...

Some have said that people didn't moan so much, but then this is alongside terribly sad stories of mothers being sent to mental institutes for milk fever and killing their toddlers. I have a greataunt who killed her baby in the 60's so it did still go on then...

I do think it is harder to let kids play out. I have read a lot of stories of children being backed over by their parents in their own front yard, I am terrified of my toddler being around cars. I feel I should occupy him all day and feel awful guilt say, today, when I had work to finish and let him just sit on the floor and get on and play while I ignored him and did my jobs.

My grandmother had the living daylights beaten out of her and there was no where to go, no way out.

I don't think it was harder then or is easier now, I think it depends on circumstances. Some people have reported live in housekeepers etc. Some had an idyllic life. Some had the most miserable existence imaginable. Expect it is the same now.

I think domestic appliances have made housework much easier, but you have to weigh that against the lack of family/community that so many experience now. I think mothers can be more isolated. Living with my GPs I saw LOTS of my cousins growing up - my aunties were always round. Though we don't see so much of each other these days, we have a strong bond forged in childhood. When one of my aunts died last year, we were suddenly all in the same place at the same time again - and it was lovely (despite the sad circumstances). My dd sees her cousins about twice a year. "Family" will mean different thing to her than it did for me.

And MN seems to have a constant stream of complaints about (non-abusive) family members. "They want to visit/they don't want to visit/they do this/they do that/they look after dc (for free) but don't do it MY way" etc etc It seems so difficult!

Also paedophiles are not imaginary and people always knew about them.

In my mother's community, there was a shopkeeper that was known to be "fond" of children and all the children were warned never to go with him into his kitchen. My uncle remembers that he would offer you toys/sweets to go there and that there were a lot of local members of the community who would prevent children from entering the shop alone or would disrupt his grooming essentially.

It was wrong that nothing was done about this man because my uncle knows a boy who disregarded the warnings and lived to tell the tale.. but at least people had some idea and this kept some kids safe.

My mother teaches in a small rural school in the southwest of Ireland and the local police have told her there are at least 30 known paedophiles within a 20 mile radius. They are not imaginary just because people in general didn't realise the scale of the problem.

Paedophiles have always existed and are certainly not imaginary, but I DO think we overthink the risk a lot these days - at least in terms of strangers abductng your child. It is sad to think that the stats say that a child is more in danger of harm in his own home from his own (extended) family than from strangers. Yet we see "paedos" on every corner.