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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex wont properly parent our children!

67 replies

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:00

I have too many issues with him to go over but in short he has been shit, pays nothing, has a bonkers lifestyle. I have gone through great pains to maintain a relationship for him and his children even though at times he has genuinely done things that would make others say fuck him. Why? Because despite it all, they love him. Last weekend he came to pick up the children (half a day late). They stayed with him overnight. In which time, they did NOTHING just stayed home playing on (separate rooms) computer games. He dropped them off and said they had been up since 3.30 am in the morning. There is a sort of reason for this. His wifes children go to bed at 4 - 5 pm due to some sleep issue and one of them is autistic. Apparently my 13 year old had decided to get up after they had gone to bed on the Sat night at 10 pm, he had then fallen asleep downstairs. At 3.30 when they got up this thus woke him up. He went upstairs and then woke his sister up, at which point they both decided to just get up (naughty of them but sort of understandable considering the rest of them were up). So I questioned why he hadnt just told my children who normally go to bed at normal times, to just go to bed, and he said 'are you trying to tell me that if they told you they couldnt sleep that you would FORCE them to bed?' Im like, erm, hell yeah because 3.30 is nightime! Of course it makes no odds to him because hes up anyway with his odd little family, but then my children come home HANGING and hardly able to function the next school day. Just what else do I do. I dont want to say you cant see them anymore but Ive told him before this is unacceptable and he implies that Im wrong and controlling, but in actual fact i think he is just being a lazy parent. Admittedly, and possibly unreasonably it does get on my tits that they have this odd sleep thing going on but my children are only there every 4 weeks so i think he should make sure they get normal sleep?!

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 24/11/2011 00:07

To be honest, if he only has them every 4 weeks or so I can't see what real damage it'll do your children.

From what you say (in rather fewer paragraphs than is easy to digest) your son is the one who started wandering around at silly o'clock in the morning and deliberately woke his sister up. So shouldn't they take some responsibility (especially someone of 13) for getting enough sleep themselves?

Personally, I'd consider whether this a battle worth having. Or possibly if there's a battle in the first place.

cantspel · 24/11/2011 00:08

Yabu for refering to his autistic child as his his odd little family.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:10

I agree your son needs telling off for getting up while everyone was in bed and then waking his sister too.

But to be honest, I'm not sure your ex is really in the wrong here...though I accept it's not ideal.

If this happens every 4 weeks and on a Saturday night, why does it affect school?

squeakytoy · 24/11/2011 00:11

A bit of change to a sleep pattern is really not a big deal.

They are not toddlers.

YABU.

dancingmustard · 24/11/2011 00:14

The odd late night isn't too bad as long as there is no school the day after specially if the children are teens.
But YABU calling his family odd when one of the children is autistic.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/11/2011 00:16

A 13-year-old is old enough to decide for himself whether he wants to be in bed or not, and old enough to understand that he should be quiet if he is awake while others are asleep. If varied sleep patterns are all you have to worry about when DC see their dad then you need to get over yourself a bit.

I can appreciate that you are annoyed with him if he pays no maintenance (have you been to court over this? If not, why not?) but the fact that his lifestyle is different to yours does not make him a bad parent.

DownbytheRiverside · 24/11/2011 00:19

Your son is 13? Time for him to take responsibility for himself and his actions. Why didn't he just go to bed when he woke up at 3.30am?
Your ex's new family may seem unusual to you, but they obviously suit him well and he's comfortable with the demands of living with a child with additional needs, which few men would take on if the child wasn't theirs.
So he sounds like a good person to me. But then, I would say that.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:21

I did not call them an odd family because one child is autistic, how dare you. Read back what I said and tell me I said that. I explained why they woke up at that time for background information. There are other reasons why they are odd! I have put up with a lot of shit from this guy, and so have my children. My son was the FIRST to be told off believe me, i said how dare you do that, you would never do that if you were home. But this has happened before wherby the Dad thought it was reasonable to get up this time. Its not! Imagine if it was his little kids and mine woke them at 10 pm and they then had to remain awake. My son shouldnt have got up and gone downstairs, but there is noone there to stop him. And Im confused because if it happens on a Saturday night and they are then awake for all that time and my children are struggling on a Monday, then it obviously is an issue, as I have said!

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Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:27

Actually this does annoy me about AIBU. IS that people always say, your 13 year old should know better. Well yes he should but for a sec think about when you were 13, and didnt you do things you shouldnt have, even though you knew better. Of course you did. And your parent bollocked you for it. He just isnt. Hes just letting it happen. And why does it maske him good when he will only see them every 4 weeks for a day and is then frankly crap about it. To be honest, if he was mucking about with them and having fun and staying up all night I wouldnt mind so much because at least he'd be doing something with them and having quality time, but he doesnt, he just ignores them!

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WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:27

But your kids had already had some sleep so if they were no longer tired and wanted to get up at 3.30am...that's only 3hrs off of 6.30am which is a fairly normal time.

Therefore, how does missing say 3 hours sleep on a Saturday night make so much difference once every 4 weeks to their school day on Mondays?

Pandemoniaa · 24/11/2011 00:30

Oh ffs. What's all this "how dare you" crap? You are the one who brought the autistic child and the "oddness" of your ex's family into the debate. What other assumptions are people supposed to make?

Also, from what you say, your children chose to stay up half the night at an age when they are perfectly capable of being responsible for staying in bed and getting the sleep that they must know they need. If they are struggling on Monday then it is their fault.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:30

downbytheriverside...he tried to go bed but not for long, and because he was wriggling he woke up his younger sister...and because there are 4 people downstairs starting their new day they felt like they wanted to as well (apart from they then just played on laptops, no actual interaction).
If hed been told firmly enough he would have done..but he wasnt so he took full advantage of it..like only a 13 year old would.

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DownbytheRiverside · 24/11/2011 00:31

Perhaps your children enjoy the relaxed and undemanding nature of the weekend they have once a month with their father. Slobbing around playing computer games, my two would enjoy that. Especially in their pjs.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:34

errm, worraliberty, since when do 13 year olds that have gone to sleep at 10.30 get up at 6.30...do you have older children? it means they had 5hr sleep...tops which is a lot less than usual. Pandemonia. Can you not see why I was trying to explain there was a reason they got up at 3.30? I did this so that people didnt jump on it unfairly the other way and say, why the hell do her kids get up at that time. The reason I gave that info was so I wouldnt be accused of adding on info afterwards.

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Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:35

why do you think they have a demanding weekend with me downbytheriverside?

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DownbytheRiverside · 24/11/2011 00:36

Did I say that? I don't think I did.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:37

A lot of 13yr olds love computer games!

I think you need to separate how you parent and how he parents

You may not allow your children too much time on the computer but he does...and they're of an age where they can tell him if they're not happy with it I'm sure.

I think you need to remember that the man you chose to have children with, now has a completely 'different' sort of life...and one that's not particularly 'normal' to most people.

Cut him some slack, he's doing his best with the alternative routine his Step Children have

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:38

it was implied. And my children come home and have been bored out of their brains. And have yiou seen a child that has played on computer games for 36 hours....horrible little buggers they turn in into. Aliens in fact.

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Pandemoniaa · 24/11/2011 00:39

I've had 13 year old children. At least one of them managed, very successfully, to sleep for as little as possible over the weekend. He'd have thought 5 hours was plenty on a Saturday night. Since he has now reached the age of very nearly 29, it has done him little harm. So yes, I know about older children.

I also know about irritating ex-husbands. But my experience taught me to pick my battles with care and not get diverted by things that really didn't matter.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:39

errm, worraliberty, since when do 13 year olds that have gone to sleep at 10.30 get up at 6.30...do you have older children?

Since whenever...I mean all children are different are they not. Why would some 13yr olds not manage perfectly well on 8hrs sleep?

And to answer your other question, my sons are almost 20yrs, almost 13yrs and just turned 9yrs.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:42

I think youre wrong worrliberty to say they are able to tell him what they feel. When they have said before how they feel, I have after a long time of listening to them upset about their shit weekend and encouraging them to talk to him themselves and they havent felt able, I have said something for them, and then the bastard has refused to get them for 4 months..so no, I think they rpobably dont feel that 'free' to talk to him. Children dont like to upset their Dad you know, spesh if they only see him once every 4 weeks (his choice, he only lives 1 hour away).

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Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:44

it wasnt was it, it was 5 h, and my daughter is younger. She didnt cope. Just because yours did, doesnt mean mine do.

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DownbytheRiverside · 24/11/2011 00:44

Mine are 17 and almost 21.
And like computer games.
And have weird sleep patterns, but somehow manage to be both highly intelligent and respectful to others about different lifestyle choices.
Perhaps you should post in Relationships OP, you will probably get a lot more support from people who will understand your POV.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:45

Do you think he would see them more often if you lightened up a bit?

I do agree with the poster who said you learn to pick your battles.

Really, teenage kids missing out on a few hours Saturday night sleep because they want to go downstairs and join the rest of the family, is not a 'battle' worth fighting imo.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:47

Pandemonia. It may ultimately do them no harm age 29, but just because they managed, doesnt make it right. If i can manage to look after them for the rest of the month then you can surely see why i would feel pissed off when they come back in a state.

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