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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex wont properly parent our children!

67 replies

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:00

I have too many issues with him to go over but in short he has been shit, pays nothing, has a bonkers lifestyle. I have gone through great pains to maintain a relationship for him and his children even though at times he has genuinely done things that would make others say fuck him. Why? Because despite it all, they love him. Last weekend he came to pick up the children (half a day late). They stayed with him overnight. In which time, they did NOTHING just stayed home playing on (separate rooms) computer games. He dropped them off and said they had been up since 3.30 am in the morning. There is a sort of reason for this. His wifes children go to bed at 4 - 5 pm due to some sleep issue and one of them is autistic. Apparently my 13 year old had decided to get up after they had gone to bed on the Sat night at 10 pm, he had then fallen asleep downstairs. At 3.30 when they got up this thus woke him up. He went upstairs and then woke his sister up, at which point they both decided to just get up (naughty of them but sort of understandable considering the rest of them were up). So I questioned why he hadnt just told my children who normally go to bed at normal times, to just go to bed, and he said 'are you trying to tell me that if they told you they couldnt sleep that you would FORCE them to bed?' Im like, erm, hell yeah because 3.30 is nightime! Of course it makes no odds to him because hes up anyway with his odd little family, but then my children come home HANGING and hardly able to function the next school day. Just what else do I do. I dont want to say you cant see them anymore but Ive told him before this is unacceptable and he implies that Im wrong and controlling, but in actual fact i think he is just being a lazy parent. Admittedly, and possibly unreasonably it does get on my tits that they have this odd sleep thing going on but my children are only there every 4 weeks so i think he should make sure they get normal sleep?!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 00:47

You asked me "since when do 13 year olds that have gone to sleep at 10.30 get up at 6.30"

And that is 8hrs sleep is it not?

squeakytoy · 24/11/2011 00:48

Of course it makes no odds to him because hes up anyway with his odd little family, but then my children come home HANGING and hardly able to function the next school day

Pretty much undeniable really isnt it, because that IS exactly what you said.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 00:51

. No worraliberty, and I think you are being very judgemental, its always very easy to pick on the person asking for help isnt it, against the guy who is crap with his own children. 3.30 in the morning to get up and stay awake is normal..really? If I lightened up a bit I dont think he would have bothered with his children at all, as I said before, at one point he abandoned them for 4 months, and it was only through me fighting it that he eventually came and saw them.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 24/11/2011 00:55

I have had weird sleep patterns for most of my life. Even as a teenager. And that was long before the internet was even created!

Your children are not toddlers.. they were not dragged from their beds. If they were tired, they could have made their own choice to go and sleep.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 01:00

i think youre naiive squeakytoy. I also think that if you were in my position youd understand, but you are judging from your own experience. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for their Dad to say to them, 'go back to bed' as it was not their natural sleep routine, but he didnt because he didnt care what it would mean later on, or how they would feel the next day at school, as he bears none of that responsibility.

OP posts:

dancingmustard · 24/11/2011 01:01

Did they have 8 hours sleep?

SouthStar · 24/11/2011 01:04

Have you brought it up with their dad?

SouthStar · 24/11/2011 01:05

Sorry just reread your post. Maybe you should explain to him that you think 3.30 is not a good time for them to be up and they will milk it if they can so you need him to be abit more firm with him. Judging by the past you have had with him it must be no surprise to you that he wasnt going to do things exactly how you do.

squeakytoy · 24/11/2011 01:11

Did he drop them off on Sunday, after a very late Saturday night? Or on Monday when they had to go straight to school? Your post is not clear about that.

squeakytoy · 24/11/2011 01:14

And, I have just read your OP again, and it was the saturday night/sunday morning where they were up at 3.30am..

Really cant see the problem here. They can have an early night Sunday and be fine for school on the Monday surely.

Pandemoniaa · 24/11/2011 01:19

I wasn't suggesting that my 29 year old son's current sleep patterns are at all relevant. But at 13 he needed very little sleep at the weekend and it doesn't seem to have done him any harm. Let alone educationally.

So while I can see that you have issues with your ex, I wouldn't make too much of this one. It does young people no harm at all to have to learn that different households have different routines. Especially if they only visit once every 4 weeks.

cory · 24/11/2011 07:56

I think 13 is the ideal age not to know better but to learn to take the consequences of when you didn't know better. And if that means getting detention at school because he is not concentrating, or whatever, I would suggest with all respect that that is your son's problem.

GypsyMoth · 24/11/2011 08:10

My 13 year old has to be up at 5 at army camp!!

He is still alive
He still functions in school

ditzymitzy2 · 24/11/2011 08:29

the dad sounds like he cant do right for doing wrong. its your fault he didnt see them for four months or whatever because you are the one constantly criticising how he chooses to parent

and yes a 13 year old is well old enough to know he isnt supposed to go downstairs in the middle of the night and fall asleep on the sofa

Snapespeare · 24/11/2011 09:24

'its your fault he didnt see them for four months or whatever because you are the one constantly criticising how he chooses to parent'

yes. it's always the mothers fault when fathers don't see their kids...

OP, I think the other issues with your XP are clouding your response to this one isolated incidence of a very early morning. You can't control what happens at your XPs house with regard to your children and unless they are in some form of physical danger, you shouldn't want to. Let them play video games or whatever. Let your XP parent as he sees fit. it's a day a month, if that. If it reoccurs and is affecting ability to get up on a monday morning then, fair enough, a quiet, concilatory word with XP would have been an idea....

My DS1 is 13. If he sits up late playing video games and feels 'too tired' for school, he's sent off anyway, grumpy and learns from the experience, or if he doesn't, I stick an auto-shut down on the laptop. You can't do that when your kids are in your Xs house and yes, you need to pick up the slack, which is why a quiet concilatory word, rather than an accusatory attack on his parenting is probably a better tactic.

coraltoes · 24/11/2011 09:44

What the fuck is going on?!

It is NOT NORMAL for kids of any age to start their day at 3.30am... I know if I get up at that time I am a wreck come early afternoon. I am not a child. How in gods name people think the 13 yr old is totally to blame baffles me.

Yes he knows better but he relies on his dad to set the boundaries, and if they are not reinforced he will get up at 3.30am for what feels like a bit of an adventure. For all those who think it isn't that big a deal on sleep. Set your alarms to half three tomorrow and let me know how you get on!

I appreciate the OP is getting a but narky but she has a valid point. If anyone else's kids woke up at that time the parent would send them back to bed. It is as simple as that.

I'd love to know what sleep problems the others have to require a 4pm bedtime though...

coraltoes · 24/11/2011 09:45

And how the hell do we know whose fault it is that he doesn't see his kids?!! Who are we to blame either the mother or the father? Come on why do we have to turn on a poster like this? And is it really helpful that the first reply to her issue to point out her lack of paragraphs?!

Ffs this site really flares my nostrils sometimes.

difficulttimes · 24/11/2011 09:50

Its not really a big deal just tell him if he's awake, to keep himself occupied quietly. he is 13 after all.

YABU for bringing up an autistic child in the same context as 'odd' and don't how dare you' shit with me you brought this on yourself.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 09:51

For all those who think it isn't that big a deal on sleep. Set your alarms to half three tomorrow and let me know how you get on!

I can tell you exactly how I'd get on. I'd be tired for the rest of Sunday, have an early night and be bright as a button on Monday morning.

No-one is saying it's 'normal' for the OP's children...but they are not staying overnight in a household with a 'normal' routine.

If the rest of the family are up and getting on with their 'day' at 3.30am, it's not that unusual for the other two kids to want to join them.

And once every 4wks isn't exactly going to kill them.

coraltoes · 24/11/2011 09:55

Agree, it wouldn't knacker me for the Monday but I'd be sick as a dog Worra for sunday and it is unfair to let kids get in that state when they rely on you for well being.

I agree it won't kill them but it hardly does them any good does it?!

Bugsy2 · 24/11/2011 09:56

aaaaargh, if this may only happen once every 4 weeks - just let it ride. Yes, it sounds nuts - but once a month - so what.
I've been separated for over 8 years & divorced for 6. You really do have to pick your battles & this is definitely not one worth fighting.

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 10:02

coral you're right, it doesn't do them any good...but again I think it's more about picking battles. Perhaps the OP's ex disagrees with a few of the things she allows the kids to do too.

On the other hand, my brother used to get up at 5am every day and do a paper round and that's only an hour and a half later.

Moominsarescary · 24/11/2011 10:32

If my dad was up with other children but wanted to send me back to bed I would have thought it realy unfair at 13, maybe that's how your ex sees it. He only has them once a month and probably doesn't want it to look like he favours the other kids by letting them get up but making his stay in bed

Your son should not be waking his sister up

ChaoticAngel · 24/11/2011 10:56

ditzymitzy2 "its your fault he didnt see them for four months or whatever because you are the one constantly criticising how he chooses to parent"

What a twatty thing to say and untrue. Any decent parent who wants to see their kids would not let criticism from an ex put them off seeing them. Are you the ex, the wife or just a complete bitch?

OP I can see how this annoys you but I think you're going to have to let it go. It is only once every 4 weeks, just send them to bed early on the Sunday night.

Original poster

aaaarghh · 24/11/2011 11:18

Its not an isolated incident, it happens all the time, their Dad knows I am unhappy about it. I feel a little bit like people think i am uptight but in real life, i dont know one person who thinks it is acceptable to allow your children to be woken up at 3.30am (unless you were going on holiday or something). The fact that he has them once every 4 weeks is his choice, I wish he would have them more but hes not interested. Im VERY confused why Im accused of it being my fault that their Dad didnt have them for 4 months. You are wrong and insulting about this. Its really awful to be spoken about badly like this. So according to most mumsnetters, here is the breakdown....
Ex pays nothing for his children, lets them down consistently about picking them up, when he does have them he does nothing with them, basically ignores them and allows them to get away with anything, lets them get up at stupid times...but he is some how a hero? I would have thought that only looking after your children one day a month would make you want to actually get your ass off the sofa and do something with them.
OP... works her arse off to pay for her children, is always there for them, does nice things with them, and ensures they get enough sleep to function and do well in school, and I am to blame for my children not seeing their Dad and narky. Right. Ok. I think this worlds gone mad.
This is the last time I will address this issue difficulttimes I mentioned one of the children being autistic to explain to people why they got up at 3.30am.
Yes I said they were odd, but it wasnt in context of being autistic, it was because I KNOW them, and they are odd, nothing to do with one of them having autism, if you read it that way, I suggest you have a problem.
worraliberty my son gets a lot of homework. Because he didnt do any at his Dads house he then had to spend hours doing at when he got home on the Sunday so couldnt have an early night, so yes he was tired, but my daughter was more tired and she HAD gone to bed early, come Monday morning she was bumbling around like a drunk. This could have easily been avoided. I know it wont kill them, but it is so frustrating to have to deal with the consequences. Im so grateful to coraltoes for understanding.
And for all the people saying a 13 year old should know better. They wre the exact words i used to him, I have already said that he was naughty about it, but this is where parents do have to step in, otherwise it would be carnage. You all put a lot of responsibility on a 13 years shoulders, and took it off a 35 year old grown up mans!

OP posts:

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