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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how in hell SAHM who ALSO work P/T evenings/weekends cope?

71 replies

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:06

IABU and I need some advice on how to cope better with things.

I'm a SAHM to a delightful but VERY whingey and whiney 21mo DD. She exhausts me.

I do 90% of the housework AND

...I work 24+ hours Fri-Sun in the evenings/at night in a physically and emotionally demanding job. I pay 50% of our mortgage, council tax and utilities, so am under constant financial pressure.

I AM FUCKED :(

Is anyone else in this position?

I'm constantly stressed and can't remember a time when I didn't have some sort of virus or other. I'm moaning I know, but I genuinely feel so ill all the time.

Most of the other mums I have met since having DD have husbands who earn good salaries, so they don't have to work. I envy them so, so much. Their toddlers are so much quieter and well behaved than DD too...so unfair :(

Please help me see a way of managing.

OP posts:

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/11/2011 21:11

Get a cleaner for a few hours a week to break the back of the housework.

Book DD into a nursery on a Monday so you get your breath back after your weekend.

northernwreck · 23/11/2011 21:12

Yes. Why the hell are you doing 90% of the housework????(Assuming you have a partner)

Also, is there any way you could get a daytime p/t job and put DD in nursery? I used to look after my ds all day, all week, and work on my degree in the evenings, and it burnt me out, so I get how you feel.

VFVF · 23/11/2011 21:12

I don't understand? 24 hours a week is quite a lot. Infact I wouldn't class that as SAHM. In which case...

Why do you do 90% of the housework? I don't go out to work AT ALL and I don't do anywhere near 90% of the housework.

I think you know what the issue is here...

northernwreck · 23/11/2011 21:13

And you are not a SAHM!!

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:13

Thanks Enjoy. Unfortunately both DP and I earn very low salaries and I doubt we could stretch to that.

OP posts:

mickeyjohn · 23/11/2011 21:14

Are you me?!?!!?!

I am the same...I work 25-30 hours a week and have a 3 and a 5 year old...i have been doing this since my DD2 was born (so they were a tiny baby and a 20 month old..also VERY whingey child but she is much nicer now!) I work 7 mornings a week and some evenings...i am perma tired too! I also do 90% of the chores and all the house admin etc and feel I never give more than about 30% to anything as I am always tired! I feel forever that I am either working/sleeping/doing chores/feeling grumpy....We have a big mortgage and need both incomes to manage it and not be too skint at the end of the month and as I am self-employed I feel a pressure to work as hard as I can to bring more money in, but it's v hard.

Sorry I am no help for you whatsoever but wanted you to know that you're not alone!! It's got easier now my eldest is in school and DD2 in preschool 3 days a week.....it prob seems a long way off for you but it'll ome round quicker than you think and then you actually get some some to yourself which is FAB! Look after yourself, remind yourself that it's just a phase in your life that'll be over soon. Take care!

butterflyexperience · 23/11/2011 21:14

Get Dh to do more housework

BaronessBomburst · 23/11/2011 21:15

I cannot offer a solution, but can commiserate. I too am a SAHM with a totally nutty 21 month old DS, who doesn't sleep at night, doesn't nap in the day, and is currently beating a teletubby with a xylophone stick despite it being gone 10pm. I do all the housework, although I only work 2 evenings a week, so not quite as bad as you.

I'm trying to work out how and when I can mop the floor. Water and DS will not be a good combination and I'm too knackered now to do anything!

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:15

I dunno. I do feel like a SAHM AND a WOHM and it's killing me.

DP is actually very good at making an effort with housework, but has fairly low standards and is happy for things to be much messier and dirtier than I. He often tells me to 'leave it', but the place would be an utter dump if I did!

OP posts:

RoaminGloamin · 23/11/2011 21:16

You are so me a few years ago!
I had 3 under 3 and worked every night (well 6 out of 7) until 1am and then up during night with youngest and then woken up from 6am onwards.
I was constantly exhausted, felt under stress and never felt as if firing on all cylinders. Never had any offers of help from anyone and put a lot of pressure on myself to keep house very clean etc and cook perfect healthy dinners.

If I could I'd lie on the sofa to catch even a few minutes' sleep.
Like you I had to work for financial reasons which also added to worries.

All I can offer is that eventually this stage will pass, your DD will grow older and be less physically demanding. Make sure you eat properly and don't do quick fixes of high sugar foods.

If I was in same position I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself to keep house just so and would take DC out in all weathers to spend good fun time with them and get them tired too.
If anyone offering to take DD out for a time or to help out with anything, accept it.

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:17

Great to know I'm not alone mickeyjohn

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 23/11/2011 21:17

Have you only just started this job?

If so I think you'll get used to it.

I work a 70 hour plus week and do 100% of the housework (lone parent). My children are both school age as of September so it's so much easier now. I can remember being permanently exhausted when they were babies/toddlers and it felt like the time would never end. But it does. She'll get older and easier.

In the meantime, I think it's important to have some time or an activity that is yours alone and nothing to do with your child - for me it's amateur dramatics and the gym. The children often have to come with me but at least I know it's 'my' hobby and I'm not just just playing glorified taxi driver for their every whim all the time.

TattyDevine · 23/11/2011 21:17

You might have to lower your standards a bit if you are genuinely fecked and he's already putting in an effort.

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:19

I've been in this job for a few years. Definitely not used to it yet

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 23/11/2011 21:19

I work 23 hours over 4 evenings a week. I have one at school and one toddler. I don't do anywhere near 90% of the housework, we share things equally. In fact he probably does more than I do. I'd be far more stressed if I worked 24 hours in the daytime, plus I'd have childcare to pay.

cjbartlett · 23/11/2011 21:20

I think at weekends when you're not working you need to go to bed even if you dont sleep
So when your toddler naps lie down, read a book, have a bath
On date when you work don't go here there & everywhere
Do shopping housework etc in the week
Make life easier for you
Its cold and miserable out there cuddle up on sofa with cbeebies on and snooze
Do what you have to do to get by, who cares if the house gets a bit dusty

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:22

Hmmm. OK so DP does need to do more then. It would be nice to think that if DD did decide to have a nap in the afternoon Icould sit and have a snooze//MN (lurker mostly!). Instead I find myself whizzing around doing laundry/washing up/tidying etc.

OP posts:

helpmabob · 23/11/2011 21:23

I have no advice just sympathy. I was working evenings and weekends last year and doing fulltime childcare and it nearly finished me. I don't do it now but obviously that means a financial hit. So all I can offer is hugs and yeslet the house go a bit

northernwreck · 23/11/2011 21:28

I think you need to kick your husband up the arse frankly.
You need time off! I dont care if some people work 90 hours a week and do all the cleaning whilst baking cakes and organising days out-it's not good for you!

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:30

Hehe, cheers northernwreck.

Just needed to share my woes. In RL I know no-one in my position and feel very isolated by it.

I'm not married tp DP unfortunately, but that's a whole other thread

OP posts:

letmehelp · 23/11/2011 21:37

You are absolutely not a SAHM. You must stop refering to yourself as one and letting your DP see you as one. You need help, simple really if it can't be your DP, then is paid help a possibility?

I worked 26 hours per week until quite recently and although I was still definitely the home "manager" DH did (eventually) get used to doing as he was told asked! I found it helped to make certain self contained jobs "his". e.g laundry was his responsibility, it needed to be done, couldn't be left and what was required was clearly defined. i.e. washing machine loaded/emptied/dried, ironing done and put away etc. Although he wouldn't admit it, it he actually became quite proud of his efficiency.

He also did the food shopping (from my list - control freak or what?) at a set time each week on his way home from work and DSs' bathtime has always been his job.

When they're very small it is possible to make a game of chores with DD. Perhaps takes a bit longer, but if it keeps her occupied and stops the whining better all round - you might even both have some fun, which I know can be in short supply when lifes's like this e.g give her a feather duster to do the skirtings while you do the rest (you can tickle each other while you go) get her to "help" push the hoover. They're very good at matching socks!

Also perhaps have a look at your standards, would somewhere between yours and DP's be less stressful?

cherrysodalover · 23/11/2011 21:40

Poor you- it is horrid to feel exhausted all the time and there is always someone who will have it easier.
Whenever I feel tired I try to look at the mums I know who have more on their plates-so one friend waitresses 6 nights a week from 5pm till 1 am- she has to be up with her daughter at 6 am as she is a lone parent.
There are others in similar boats to you but you have every right to have a good whinge and feel sorry for yourself once in a while.Compare down not up and it may make you feel less bad if you know what I mean...but when you are knackered and run down it is hard to look for the positives I think.
Stop doing 90 and start doing 50 percent and try and find bits in the day when you can rest and relax-it will get easier.

letmehelp · 23/11/2011 21:40

I've just noticed about you paying 50% of the mortgage and bills - that's not right if you're doing more than 50% of the childcare, thereby dramatically reducing your earning capacity.

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:41

Thanks letmehelp. Appropriate nickname :)

DP has very recently taken over all bathing duties after I told him HWBU to expect me to do it every evening. He's really enjoying it :)

OP posts:

Original poster

TangerinePuppet · 23/11/2011 21:46

Hmmmm. DP earns a tiny salary (I knew he'd never be a big earner when I met him) and I've always felt a duty to contribute financially, although I do earn probably 5-6K less than DP

We'd been together 18 years before DD, who was a happy surprise. I've been used to paying my way....

...this needs a rethink doesn't it?

OP posts:

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