to ask how in hell SAHM who ALSO work P/T evenings/weekends cope?

[TangerinePuppet]

IABU and I need some advice on how to cope better with things.

I'm a SAHM to a delightful but VERY whingey and whiney 21mo DD. She exhausts me.

I do 90% of the housework AND

...I work 24+ hours Fri-Sun in the evenings/at night in a physically and emotionally demanding job. I pay 50% of our mortgage, council tax and utilities, so am under constant financial pressure.

I AM FUCKED :(

Is anyone else in this position?

I'm constantly stressed and can't remember a time when I didn't have some sort of virus or other. I'm moaning I know, but I genuinely feel so ill all the time.

Most of the other mums I have met since having DD have husbands who earn good salaries, so they don't have to work. I envy them so, so much. Their toddlers are so much quieter and well behaved than DD too...so unfair :(

Please help me see a way of managing.

Thanks for all your helpful replies - some great advice and, more importantly for me, some perspective and a feeling that maybe I'm not the only one in this situation after all!!

Will definitely have a chat with DP.

I'm an entertainer by night and self employed, so reducing hours isn't really possible. It's the most intense and exhausting job I've ever had and I spent many years in sales.

Fabby - we are all very different. Some cope briliantly where others falter. I for one am wankered!

Strange as it sounds I think it can be more draining having a partner who doesn't pull his weight than having none at all. At least when you're on your own you're queen of the castle and you know that once you tidy something it's likely to stay tidy unless one of the kids goes at it. There's nothing more soul destroying than making the bedroom pristine only to come home the next day to find DP's clothes on the bed, the duvet on the floor, things knocked off the bedside table etc. It makes you want to give up.

Tangerine I think you're doing far far too much. You are NOT a SAHM. In fact it looks to me like you have the most tiring aspects of being a SAHM and a WOHM - you have the full whingey day with DD then you're off to work at night when she's going to bed. How you manage that I don't know. I stay at home with my 10 month old DS and all I'm fit for in the evening is something to eat (cooked by DH) and acres of telly. I don't get why you're making a 50% contribution - do you and your DP not share money?

Tangerine it is hard but I reccomend to all those Mums wh work AND do a lot of housework to seriously cut back on the fussing over the ironing and non essential jobs.

In my opinion too many women have a misguided sense of "duty" when it comes to housework. I work around 30 hours per week from home which at fist blurred the lines for my DH...he thought "Oh she doesn't even have to leave the house...she can't be as tired as me"

I now do very little in the week ...yes the house is a mess at times....we both tidy the kitchen and sitting room in the evening together....ironing is done as and when....so not a lot gets ironed....I certainl don't iron Dhs things..unless he's in a rush and he wold also return that favour.

We have a catch up at weekends....couple of hours is all it takes with 2 of us!

If you live together and have a child I think finances should pooled.

So you shouldn't be paying 50-50 if you earn less.

Since you're not married to DP, don't you need to pay half the mortgage to be entitled to 50% of the house of you split up?

If so, I'd think twice about reducing your financial contribution to the mortgage at least.

I just think SAHM's cope cos they need the money, simple as that

hope you get sorted op

BTW, whats an entertainer by night?

Ooh, I wasn't going to ask ssd!

Overtiredmum: please read your post over, the bit where you say you do the cleaning because you are home in the day...isn't your dp home in the evening? You should be splitting it evenly imo. Then you would be notovertiredmum!

Work out how much free time you each have in the week. Make it equal.

OP I sympathise, and I agree let the house go a bit, it doesn't have to be 'perfect'.

I work 37 hours a week, plus spend 15 hours a week commuting to and from work. DD goes to a childminder during the day, I am the main breadwinner so to speak, DH's job does not pay well so the financial pressure is mostly on me (I pay mortgage, childcare, insurances, tv licence, internet/tv and fees for DD's dance and swimming classes), food shopping, electricity and council tax is paid by DH.

I was doing most of the household chores, until i had a bit of a stressed meltdown and refused to do a thing for nearly a week. DH then started pulling his weight more. Maybe a strike is needed?

Firstly, with that amount of hours you're not SAHM, and household chores should be shared evenly. Unless your income is the same as your husband's you shouldn't put in 50% but pro-rate it according to earnings.

Before striking, however I recommend talking about it

I nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown working from home after my DD was born and came to realise that those mothers who work and have young kids have one thing in common - help!

Having no family nearby or money for childcare means it's very stressful. The only way to cope is to either get help if you can (even if it's just getting your DH to help out more) or maintain much lower standards of housework and just accept that you can't do everything, at least until your LO is off to school.

HTH

odd views about lone parents on this thread. My dcs spend every other weekend with their dad. Does that make me a lone parent?

I agree with the point that not having an unhelpful adult around is easier; my house is run much more efficiently by me as a, err, lone parent than it ever was when exdp and I were together.

Right, my advice as a pt worker but sahm , house manager extraordinaire etc etc...

1. Don't bother whizzing during the day, dc's will just make it messy again, do it in the evening once she is in bed with dp to help he will soon raise his standards and you will soon see what actually needs doing and what doesn't

2.make toy tidying a game with dd

1. have a carpet picnic/non cook supper/ soup from the freezer night that is easy and not messy and either of you can do

4.don't iron unless totally necessary - for a copule of years no one will care

1. Don't stress about a messy house
2. Remember dd is at an age when she picks up on your emotions still, if you are stressed she may be playing up for the sake of it.
3. If the washing piles up - take it to the laundrette once a week/month/etc. (I wish we had a laundrette nearby - just means you get it all done in one big go.) Take a mag/ colouring for dd and toys and have a coffee!

Good luck!

You aren't a SAHM, you're a WOHM. You may be working part time but you still shouldn't be doing 90% of the housework. Split things more evenly.

I work mornings,20 hrs a week. Dp works about 50hrs. Dd,4, was full time school since this September. Ive always done all the housework, wouldn't feel fair to ask dp as he works seven days a week most weeks, I get weekends off. I pay the mortgage and he pays the rest of the bills, about three times what I pay out. Dp would help if I asked but I feel its my job as Im at home more(dont flame me-it works well for us and doesnt bother me! ) I dont live in a super tidy house but its clean. The Countess speaks sense-this is how we work it!

I am sort of halfway there. I am a sahm to 4 children (7.5.2 and 1) and pregnant with dc5.
I also do part time work in a business that dh and i run and lately due to dh being a bit crap at organizing this has been increasing (after decreaseing in the last year from full time).
I dont have to go outside the hosue btu i do have to sit at a computer for a certain number of hours evenings and weekends.

I would say routine s really what keeps in going. I have routines for each time of day, strict bedtimes and i use a google calendar for meal plans, and to plan out the days including what times i need to do things in hour long slots. As the children get older the stuff seems to be getting more and more so the calendar and the day plan is really important to me.

if you have salaried employment, you're not a sahm
so no need to describe self as housewife/sahm as your not.why dont you define self as a worker?

Lots of great advice from the others, OP. I used to work 4 or 5 evenings a week when my eldest DD was little, in quite a physical job probably quite similar to what you do. I used to use time she was at preschool during the day as rest time, and then DH and I used to split the housework between us.

I think ultimately your problem is that your DH doesn't pull his weight and is expecting you to do the bulk of the childcare and housework as well as paying an equal amount towards bills as he does.

No advice really, just chipping in to say hats off to you - I tried to work evenings and weekends after I had dd, thinking I had a 'really family friendly' job which allowed me to do those hours. But I quickly discovered I was far too knackered to do anything on an evening beyond lie in the bath or collapse on the sofa, so I pretty much gave up. I've recently taken on a nanny one day a week which allows me to have one day working, and I really enjoy it. It's a pleasure instead of a chore. BUT it isn't really economic - I make enough money to pay the nanny and that's it. Sorry not much help beyond a bit of sympathy - being a full time Mum AND working is exhausting - your dp needs to understand this.