to ask how in hell SAHM who ALSO work P/T evenings/weekends cope?

[TangerinePuppet]

IABU and I need some advice on how to cope better with things.

I'm a SAHM to a delightful but VERY whingey and whiney 21mo DD. She exhausts me.

I do 90% of the housework AND

...I work 24+ hours Fri-Sun in the evenings/at night in a physically and emotionally demanding job. I pay 50% of our mortgage, council tax and utilities, so am under constant financial pressure.

I AM FUCKED :(

Is anyone else in this position?

I'm constantly stressed and can't remember a time when I didn't have some sort of virus or other. I'm moaning I know, but I genuinely feel so ill all the time.

Most of the other mums I have met since having DD have husbands who earn good salaries, so they don't have to work. I envy them so, so much. Their toddlers are so much quieter and well behaved than DD too...so unfair :(

Please help me see a way of managing.

How do lone parents manage to get childcare in the evenings?

I have a 6 and 4 year old and a nine month old (its like tiredness top trumps ) I work 23 hours over Fri -Mon and most Tuesdays I am well and truly fecked. I usually work 19 hours, have upped to 23 due to Christmas and strange as it might sound the extra 4 hours a week really finishes me off.

Would it make a huge difference if you dropped a couple of hours/a shift? My husband works shifts so he's either here a lot or not about a lot. Go to bed really early ie no later than 8.30pm at least once a week, you will see a difference.

OK I've worked a 50 hour week and shared the housework with my DH and have recently had a break where I have been a SAHM for a month or so.

If it is any consolation I am still totally knackered.

I think at that age kids are really tiring.

It probably does not help but I think I know how you feel. You are not alone.

If you can let the house go a bit do. I'd love a tidy house, but all I manage is a clean one.

Every so often I insist my DH takes a day off - we keep our child in nursery and we completely blitz the house from top to toe. That way he shares my pain and we do 16 hours work between us which sets us up for ages.

I feel for you. At home with a toddler is absolutely exhausting, I remember it well! But like many others have said, they grow fast and this phase will be over before you know it. In the meantime, you said the most sensible thing up there, maybe some of this (the 90/10 housework split, the 50/50 finances split) needs a bit of a re-think, hopefully in a nice collaborative supportive way with your DP.

Congrats on 20 years together (did I do the maths correctly?!)

You need to address this with your partner. it is highly unfair if you are contributing 50% financially to the household but earn £5-6k less than you're partner. It's especially unfair if you do 90% of the housework and the lion's share of the childcare.

You said you are doing 90% of housework, all (or most) of the childcare and are paying 50% of the bills. What is your partner doing and why on earth are you letting him get away with it?

You need to sit down together work out who does what in terms of childcare and household chores, and who has leisure time and attempt to divide up more fairly.

Plus I agree, if you are doing more that 50% of childcare why on earth have you agreed to pay 50% of mortgage.

Firstly some 2 year olds are just whingey ( dd1 certainly was)! and prob has nothing to do with work.

I have spent the past 3 years working weekends, it has been hard especially doing the double shifts but it would not have worked without my DH helping out, he has even learnt to become a decent cook over the years!

If the weight of houework / finances can be lifted from you slightly you may find somedays you are happy to go out to work, I know somedays I am happy to escape the madness!

What kind of job are you in and are the hours flexible, thinking long term is it somthing that you could eventually fit into school hours. Mine have been and it has been worth doing all these weekends to be able to get that.

Try being a lone parent!I'm a single mum to 4 and I also work part time in the evening..my mum and my exes mum, and ex have the kids so I can work. Its sheer hard work.

Sheep, if your ex is having the kids you're not a lone parent and it's not a competition, the OP is having a hard time and asking for help. I'm sure your life is hard, that doesn't give you the right to dismiss others.

Can't imagine how many of you keeping your head above water with that combination of paid work and work at home. You are not SAHMs and cannot compare yourselves with them. I'm sure you must be exhausted - I work 22.5hrs over 3 days and I do probably 70 - 80% of the work around the house but I am managing that. I'm very lucky with my childcare arrangements plus dd is a happy but very active baby. I enjoy work and the challenge it gives me but I also know I'm appreciated at home. I really think you need to speak to your partner about him being more helpful at home.

I would;

limit the time you spend on housework a day;
get dh to do more
talk to dh about money to work out something fairer - the current arrangements seem unfair given that he earns more and you do the childcare
put your dd in nursery/with a childminder for one day a week and make sure you do things that are for you on that day

If money is tight, the only real solution is for DP to do a LOT more houeswork. You work nearly full time, you look after the DC most of the time, you CANNOt do so much of the housework. Presumably he has time in the evenings after DD goes to bed. Explain how you feel, and be firm. You know yourself this arrangement is not working, and to everyone else it is clear why. Good luck.

Sympathy, not advice here. Have 9mo dd and have been sahm by day, and working freelance at home evenings and weekends for the last 3 months.
Have just decided to take the financial hit and stop until she's old enough to go to nursery a couple of mornings a week.

I worked evenings and a saturday until from when DD1 was 18 months til 2.5 (had DD2 then) I loved the evnings (only 4.5 hours) hated the sat. When DD was 10 months, I worked every weekend from 7.30 til 5. Hated it.

Why do you py half the bills, do you ern same as DH?

no advice to add but lots of sympathy from me. I work 25 hours a week in the daytime as my dc are at school and also a 2nd job 8 hours a week from home. I work school hours so I literally drop dc at school, work 5 hours then pick them up so I get no break and then get home and have to make dinner, do washing up etc etc and the only way it is possible is to let standards slip and only do things you have to do. so my washing up is done, washing, ocassional hoover, ironing done on a Sunday (well that's the plan but doesn't always happen)

I am only doing the 2nd job for the money and I hope to be able to stop it at some point not too far off, within a year maybe. We'll see. I am shattered a lot of the time.

Sounds tough! A few practical things that might help - do you get tax credits? If you are both low-paid it sounds as though you might well qualify for some. Also might be worth finding out how those would be affected if you got some paid childcare, as that is factored in so you might find the "effective" cost of the childcare was less than you thought.

Also it will sound a long way off at this stage, but don't forget once DD is 3 she will qualify for the free nursery sessions, so you could get a bit of a break/chance to catch up while she goes to nursery.

Plus what the others said about sorting out money, housework etc with your DP!

I work 30 hours a week, evenings Monday to Friday 5-11pm. Have done so for the last 6 years, have 2 DCs - DS who is 6 and DD who is 2.5 I also have to work the occasional weekend, getting time off in lieu.

DH works 40 hours a week during the day, we pass each other in the doorway when he arrives home at 4pm, when I leave to go to the office. I am the main earner.

I do the majority of the household jobs, since I am home. DD still has a nap during the day and thats the time I do the ironing, preparing meals etc. Housework generally gets done when DD having quiet time, or watching a DVD. DH is very good and will do anything I ask him to do, which is helpful.

It is hard going sometimes, especially when one/both DC are poorly. On average I get 6 hours sleep a night, that is if DD does not wake up and want cuddles in the night. But at the same time, I get the best of both worlds, being a fulltime(ish) mum and being able to keep my career, so I don't think I would change anything. The kids are used to me going to work and are happy with that, which is important.

He need to be doing much much more. Can he have a job each day - hovering one day, cleaning the bathroom/kitchen another day, changing beds, ironing, clothes washing, also cooking a few meals a week.

Maybe the best measure is how much time each week do you have off to relax or follow own interests? You sound like you don't have any relaxing/hobby time due to childcare, work and looking after the house. What does he do in an evening? When do the kids go to bed and how many hours does he relax/follow interests? You should have equal time relaxing.

What else would you call it then? Just because he has the kids for 3 hours a week at his and my eldest two go to their dads for 1 night a week? What am I then? I am alone emotionally and also financially as i make all the decisions. That's what I class as being a lone parent as well. I am parenting on my own financially and emotionally.

Does this mean I'm not welcome on the lone parent board then as my ex's have contact and I can go to work in those contact times. Genuine question btw.
I didn't intend to diss anyone, sorry for that. I shall go now.

I'm not very house proud and hoovering mopping and dusting can all wait until we're having visitors
If your DP is like me and you like it tidier with minimum nagging you may have to be a bit creative.
Off load child care, cooking, shopping, meal planning, emptying bins putting bed clothes back on beds, absolutely anything that it's really difficult for him to say I'll do it later.
If all else fails dumping hoovers and laundry baskets where DH is liable to trip over them helps

Had two children 2.5 and 7, worked out of the house 40 hours a week, single parent, went out socialising once a week, also worked in a bar 3 nights a week.

Spotless house, dinner always on the table at 6.

It is not hard, you just have to be organised and very much so, to the point or regimental. Never go to bed until the house is tidy and clean barring the hoovering, hoover on Sundays, do washing during hte week, use a tumble drier, iron everything on sunday afternoons.

Good for you Fabbychic that you do not find it hard. So many people do find the balance very hard.

I must say I can't think of anything worse that ironing on a weekend - I have not ironed for years!

You must have some support - as who looked after your children and to have the money to go out once a week.

Once my DH and I pay our nursery fees and mortgage there is not much left at all, certainly could not go out once a week as the baby sitting alone would be too much.

Faby I'm exhausted just reading that!

Look at your day and go over what you're doing. You say you are whizzing round..well doing what? I do not whizz anywhere much. Washing? Well that just goes in the machine in the morning then needs taking out and hanging 2 hours ish later. So that's maybe 15 mins work. I do not iron. Dh folds and puts it all away in the evening once it's dry.

Cleaning? Quick wipe over things once a week with damp cloth, max an hour for whole house. Hoovering? Once a week, maybe half hour. Bins? Dh does it. Food shop? I do big shop on line, dh gets top up bits on his way home. Washing up? I load dishwasher through the day, switch on as I leave for work, dh empties it later.

You see? I don't whizz. I mostly sit about, I see friends, go shopping for pleasure etc, I don't get stressed about the house.

cjbartlett my friend has her mum sleep over 6 nights- she moved to be down the road when she split with the ex so that this arrangement became possible- s i guess people do what they need to do to make it work as best as poss.......but i think lone parents have it tough.