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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is XH regarding Christmas/birthday presents?

57 replies

mumof4sons · 22/11/2011 21:01

I have just been told by my younger 2 DSs (14 & 11) that their father has said that any presents he giveS them for Christmas, birthdays etc must stay at his house. This means should any of them get new computer/xbox games, ipods, skateboards, cloths etc should stay at his house. They only see him every other weekend. DSs think that this is unreasonable. Example - DS11 was given skateboard that stays at his dad's house - dad lives down dirt road, has gravel drive and only grass - where is he supposed to use it?

I've said that gifts are gifts and that they can take them to which ever home they want to. I mean their Aunties give them gifts and don't expect them to keep them only at her house. DS age 13 says he'd rather not receive anything from his dad if there are conditions on the giving. What do you think?

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 22/11/2011 21:04

I think your Ex should listen to his sons.

They have 2 homes and need to manage their belonging between them. The gifts are for them, so it should be up to them t decide what to do with them.

SquidgyBiscuits · 22/11/2011 21:05

I think your son sounds a wise young lad. A gift should not be conditional, and certainly should be given to be enjoyed.

Your ex is being an arse, and spiteful to boot.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/11/2011 21:05

YANBU if you give anyone a present it shouldn't come with strings attached. Besides, the skateboard for example is now your DS's possession so he should be able to take it wherever he likes (within reason obviously). Am always flummoxed by attitudes like that of your ex.

Pandygirl · 22/11/2011 21:07

No YA definitely NBU, we get exactly the same (but the other way round) from DPs ex. Any presents bought by her still belong to her (this is how she explained it to the boys), and therefore has to stay at her house.
We buy the boys presents that can be transported between homes specifically so they can get more use out if them (laptops, DS3, PSP, etc).
However I wouldn't encourage DS to be ungrateful for any gift, it just isn't gracious.

Pandemoniaa · 22/11/2011 21:08

I recall ex-h attempting this trick when the dcs were small. I thought it unreasonable then and think it unreasonable now. Presents should come without baggage. Although in fairness, I can see why a parent would like to make sure their children come with stuff to play with. But that's not the same as insisting things can only live in one house, regardless of practicality.

Kayano · 22/11/2011 21:08

My friends exw did this so we all chipping in to get them better stuff for his house for Christmas.

It's bloody daft

Although if everything always seems to end up at only one house ie yours or the exw, such as clothes and toys that can be frustrating too iyswim? You buy them something to never see it again or see them enjoy it

LovingChristmas · 22/11/2011 21:08

Hmmmm, I can see both perspectives, so Dad buys some nice gifts which may end up at yours and then when at Dad's they say "I have nothing to play on/with" Dad quite rightly annoyed by this as all the things he purchased ended up not at his. That said, it's quite easy to resolve, so my DSS carries his Ipod touch (although was a joint present) to both houses in pockets. Clothes we try and keep a mix, so if he takes some home, we just grab the next pair from his mums, so he always got some at ours, even if not the ones we purchased. Games/DVD's, they go where he wants but if we know we're having a quiet weekend etc, I drop his mum a text saying when we grab DSS can we grab x as well. Simples.

Has something happened to make Dad this way or has he always been like it? I'm just wondering why he would do that now?

Can understand your DS point as it feels he has to have restrictions, hopefully with a bit of forward planning it can be resolved.

DamselInDisarray · 22/11/2011 21:09

They aren't presents if they still belong to her. A best they're loans.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 22/11/2011 21:09

I think it's sad that your ex is trying to control the boys through possessions. It's a mark of what strong people they are that he's failing.

joanofarchitrave · 22/11/2011 21:09

I guess with something valuable like that the question might be about whose insurance they are on? Do you and your ex both have a similar level of cover/out of house cover/accidental breakage cover etc?

I'd agree with you about the skateboard, though perhaps there is a place nearby where he could use it?

Presents are the receiver's to do what they like with, agreed, but surely many of us do make a few conditions about presents to children (times they can be used etc). I have to say I would try to talk to him about this, with the assumption that it's an insurance issue, before telling the children something else.

Purpleroses · 22/11/2011 21:11

I don't think your DSs ABU, but I'd leave it to them and their dad to sort out. It's unlikely to help if you get involved.

If he wants to give them things that stay at his house, maybe they could suggest things that would actually be useful there (eg not a skateboard if there's nowhere suitable to use it)?

It does kind of depend how portable the things are too - and what your handover arrangemetns are - ie if they can reasonable move with your DSs between houses, then why shouldn't they?

DamselInDisarray · 22/11/2011 21:12

I can imagine my parents having done this to me when I was a teenager (except that my dad didn't care enough to have room for me at his girlfriend's). They used me as a weapon to get at each other in all manner of frankly unacceptable ways. It did long-term damage and I will never forgive either of them.

It looks like your ex wants his sons to end up feeling the same way about him.

FannyBazaar · 22/11/2011 21:13

If my ex buys our DS some huge plasticky noisy battery operated toy, I bloody well hope it stays at his place! Ex doesn't keep any toys at his place of DS's so I always try to send him with something but hard if he is going straight from school. I guess it depends on the toys and what works.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 22/11/2011 21:16

My ex in-laws used to do this, and I just told DS that they weren't buying the things for him, they were buying them to make a point and be spiteful to me. If he wanted to use/play with the things at their house then fine, but to think of them as "nanna's things" and not his own things. DS turns 21 next week and hasn't spoken to, or been to see his nanna for months. He remembers.

Graciescotland · 22/11/2011 21:18

I can kind of understand it, my sister had a running battle with ex over clothes/ toys/ lunchboxes/ school shoes disappearing into the black hole that was his place. Depends on the history.

nursenic · 22/11/2011 21:19

My ex said this too. My son didn't dare question it but as he got older, he asked for gifts that he either wore, vouchers or money which if he waited a while, ex forgot about.

He did mention it to his paternal relatives and for a while they sent his gifts to my house. Pissed off ex no end.

Maryz · 22/11/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atwaroverscrabble · 22/11/2011 21:19

My ex used to Be like this but then when ds was about 9 or 10 he told his dad that as they were his he could take them where he wanted to and i backed him up. He ha an xbox which is transported across plus ipod touch, tablet and whatever else he wants to take/bring....

olibeansmummy · 22/11/2011 21:22

I agree that this is unfair at their age as they are old enough to look after their own things, but we used to keep ds's things at our house so that he'd have something to play with here and because once it had gone home we never saw it again, or if we did it would invariably be broken . This year though he's getting an I pod touch which will go home as it's small, he won't get the use out of it here and he is better able to look after it himself.

Sandalwood · 22/11/2011 21:33

I wonder if he's got something in particular in mind for xmas.

ballstoit · 22/11/2011 21:39

On the face of it, YANBU. But I think this is strange timing for the rules to change unless something has prompted it?

For example, when I was with ex-H, DSS's would get clothes for christmas, return to their Mums in them and we'd never see them again. They'd come back to us in clothes 2 sizes too small. There are only so many times you buy stuff that fits and let them take it home if they never return in it.

DSS had a DS for Christmas a few years ago, his little brother at his Mum's deliberately broke it. Mum and Stepdad made no offer to contribute towards a new one for him which meant that due to their child's behaviour, either ex-H and I were out of pocket or DSS no longer had a DS to play with.

If you can't see any reason for ex to have decided this, then hopefully you could have a chat with him about it. Although as you have already tried to undermine your ex's decision, I guess you don't really care what he thinks anyway.

Original poster

mumof4sons · 22/11/2011 21:50

Thank you for all the responses. My boys are 18, 16, 14 and 11, so we are not really talking about toys more those necessities that teenage boys need (xbox, lastest game, DS). I view their things/gifts are theirs to do with what they will. To take where they want to take them.

I do agree that this is a battle that they will have to fight themselves and will not get involved. I think they are of an age to be able to fight their own corners.

The one thing that seems to be allowed back are the tatty souvenirs that he brings them back from his holidays. His precious GF would not dare allow tat (plastic pyramid, plastic cobra, talking camel) in her showcase of a home. She barely allows the boys in it.

OP posts:

starsintheireyes · 22/11/2011 21:58

Lol, cant beleive Iv come across a second thread applicable to me within minutes! same situation here, the presents exp and ow give to the kids(1,5,7) stay at their house-although hes said they can bring them to mine if they want-she protested. not only their presents though- bday and xmas presents from exp mum,dad,sister also staying at theirs!? theyre only there a few times a month! Im trying to not let it bother me, but Im sure Ill feel differently if the kids start getting upset about it. Its all very strange/controlling and reminds me of my upbringing where i was given gifts by my mum, but then shed take them away and never give them back

cinnamongreyhound · 22/11/2011 22:00

We keep dss's presents from us, my or dh's family at our house. Agree with others about them not coming back and second the clothes being replaced by ones too small. In our situation dh's ex has a lot more money than us and dss has EVERYTHING a child could possibly want as his mums so doesn't need to take any of our gifts back there. Dh collects him from and drops him back to school so not practical to transfer things. If he asked we probably wouldn't say no but just don't offer. It does seem strange to suddenly impose this rule and also agree that it is good for children to have something to play with while they are at their dads. Agree that perhaps you should leave it to your ds's to negotiate with their dad but perhaps it might be worth asking why he feels the need. Most people's responses will be related to their own experiences of unreasonable ex's imo, whether it be mums or dads.

blackeyedsusan · 22/11/2011 22:38

hmm. I think that children should have some stuff that stays at dad's house when the children are young. other things should travel between the 2 houses, and some things should stay at mums house. however, the children in question are not really children and as such should have some choice over what they do with things.

it also depends on the parents in question. if things only ever travel one way then keeping stuff from disappearing permanently is reasonable, especially having read so many threads on here.

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