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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is XH regarding Christmas/birthday presents?

57 replies

mumof4sons · 22/11/2011 21:01

I have just been told by my younger 2 DSs (14 & 11) that their father has said that any presents he giveS them for Christmas, birthdays etc must stay at his house. This means should any of them get new computer/xbox games, ipods, skateboards, cloths etc should stay at his house. They only see him every other weekend. DSs think that this is unreasonable. Example - DS11 was given skateboard that stays at his dad's house - dad lives down dirt road, has gravel drive and only grass - where is he supposed to use it?

I've said that gifts are gifts and that they can take them to which ever home they want to. I mean their Aunties give them gifts and don't expect them to keep them only at her house. DS age 13 says he'd rather not receive anything from his dad if there are conditions on the giving. What do you think?

OP posts:
LineRunnerSaturnalia · 22/11/2011 22:54

If my ExH wants to have an X-Box at his house, then he should buy and own an X-Box, or a football, or a game of Scrabble, FFS.

Just like I do.

Gifts given to another person belong to another person.

Children's clothes is just a red herring here.

Maryz · 22/11/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoxyRoxy · 22/11/2011 23:19

XH still does this. He lives 1000+ miles away. DS visits once a year, maybe twice. He also doesn't send DS birthday or Christmas cards.

So he goes to the trouble of buying DS a present when he visits and then makes him leave it there because "it won't fit in the suitcase".

In what world is it ok to buy someone a gift and then say "but you can only use it in my house"?

Yanbu.

cat64 · 22/11/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 22/11/2011 23:25

My DSis's XP used to stipulate that presents he bought couldn't go back to DSis's house (even though stuff used to disappear at his house, not vice versa). He stopped a couple of years ago when he bought my nieces Nintendo DSs, even he isn't enough of a knobber to take those off the kids when they go back to my sister's house. I think it changed when he moved out of his mum's house (she's a witch and kicked off most about things going out of the house), and also because the kids want smaller, more portable presents now (MP3 players, phones etc).

I think with clothes, IPods etc they should be able to take them where they want, but maybe bigger presents like Xboxes should stay with the parent who bought them, for logistics more than anything else.

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 22/11/2011 23:27

Maryz, all ExH has to say is, 'I've bought an X-Box. You can use it when you're here!' The kids would be just as happy. Saying it's a gift and then not actually letting them properly own it is just storing up trouble. As per above.

EleanorRathbone · 22/11/2011 23:29

Your ex is being an arse.

But you already know that. Sounds like you're handling it well, keeping out of it and allowing your DS's to find out for themselves that their father is an eejit.

His relationship problems, not your's.

EleanorRathbone · 22/11/2011 23:31

Oh i agree that it makes sense for certain things to be available all the time at one house and somehting like an x box, wii, stereo etc., isn't the sort of thing that should be constantly carted around.

But at their age, the DS's are old enough to decide where the x box should be. It's their call, not their parent's.

DamselInDisarray · 22/11/2011 23:39

My ex is buying DS1 and Xbox this Christmas, so that he can put it in his room in this house. DH already has an Xbox (as does exP), but DS1 wants his own, in his own room. He'll mostly use it to chat with his dad while he plays games.

Ex-P has always given DS gifts on the assumption that he'll take them home. He takes the portable ones (handheld consoles, iPods) with him when he goes up there for the school holidays, but everything else generally stays here. ExP is not a wanker though, and just wants DS to be happy. He buys him far more than I would or could.

1Catherine1 · 22/11/2011 23:41

I had an aunt's Ex-H who did this. Seemed very unreasonable unless you knew the other side of it. Aunt was a bit of a bitch. She used to send the kids to their father's in their oldest clothes and looking very uncared for. He would frequently buy them new clothes but then every time they visited it was the same old thing. So enough was enough, he implemented the rule of two separate houses and 2 separate lots of stuff. Was a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do given the circumstances.

Anything like that going on here? If not then your exH is being very unreasonable and should grow up.

DamselInDisarray · 22/11/2011 23:41

An Xbox would probably break very quickly if you transported it between houses regularly. They are not the most reliable pieces of technology I've come across. Definitely don't transport one with a disc in. That really screws up the tempramental disc drive.

Maryz · 22/11/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Breezy1985 · 22/11/2011 23:58

My ex is like that, though he rarely buys them anything and they hardly ever go! I let my dc take whatever they want within reason, but i can guarentee it will be never seen again, apart from their DS's which they are allowed to bring him Hmm

He promised them both an xbox last xmas which they still haven't got Angry

boschy · 23/11/2011 11:27

A friend of mine's ex does this. She is skint, he is rich. So he buys them things like bikes and computers etc and insists they stay at his house. But he only has the kids 3 or 4 times a year, so stuff is unused/grown out of etc.

I think it is just so MEAN; and the kids know why he does it now and are less and less keen to see him.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 23/11/2011 11:37

YOUR ex IS A TWAT! That's what I think

StaceymAloneForver · 23/11/2011 11:45

tbh my kids keep their presents at respective houses, mainly because i begrudge paying lots of money for stuff they then leave there for 2 weeks without using.

if the kids asked to take something specific i let them take it but i do ask for it back

fluffystabby · 23/11/2011 12:39

I have on-going issues with getting stuff back from my ex.

It irritates the fuck out of me that I buy nice clothes, or an item for the girls, they take it to his house and I never see it again.

(I lost it last night and quoted the theft act at him Blush)

I tried to have the view that what belonged to the girls was theirs and they could take it back and forward, but tbh that's not working in my situation and I'm leaning towards the "I bought it leave it here" school of thought.

EleanorRathbone · 23/11/2011 16:19

I think it depends on age doesn't it.

At 4, there's a case for having 2 lots of stuff and I do understand why some people stop co-operating in the face of non-co-operation from their opposite numbers.

At 14, children are old enough to take responsibility for their own possessions, clothes etc. If they leave their favourite trousers at the other house and can't pick it up for 2 weeks, that's their look-out. At that age, their parents really shouldn't be deciding where they keep their Wii/ X Box/ Computer. I would say from about puberty, you let them make the choice. FGS, the family courts allow children to decide which parents they live with in some circumstances, it's just mad to say they're less qualified to decide where they keep their X box.

fluffystabby · 23/11/2011 16:50

But, Eleanor, not to disagree with you but in my case my ex refuses to allow the children to bring stuff back. To the extent of stopping them taking bags of stuff out of his house.

So, in that situation, it would not work

EleanorRathbone · 23/11/2011 17:31

No, agreed, it can only work if both parents are reasonable.

flyingspaghettimonster · 23/11/2011 19:24

I don't think it is unreasonable of the Father at all. I would be really sad if I bought my kids a computer game they desperately wanted, then they took it home and finished it. It is important for the kids to have a good reason to visit their other parent especially as they approach the teen years and are reluctant to go... Clothes seems a bit petty, but expensive gifts I think should stay at the house they belong in, unless a portable gift that can travel easily.

fluffystabby · 23/11/2011 19:31

flyingspagettimonster - clothes may seem petty until you're in the situation where your child literally only has school shoes to put on their feet or no decent clothes because they are all at the other parent's house

flyingspaghettimonster · 23/11/2011 20:22

My kids do only have one pair of shoes each... why have more than one pair of shoes? At $60 a pair in Dtriderites, it's extravagant to have more...

whackamole · 23/11/2011 20:39

We keep my DSS presents from us here, otherwise we would never get them back and he wouldn't have anything to do or wear here. He is an only child with his mum but has 3 siblings with us, and we simply do not have the money (or the time considering we only see him fortnightly) to re-stock on clothes or whatever because things should be shared.

Occasionally he will bring his DS or something with him on our weekend, but it always goes back home with him. It is not reciprocated.

BUT, I don't think YABU with ref to the skateboard.

EleanorRathbone · 23/11/2011 20:39

Sorry but if you need to bribe your kids to come and see you with an expensive piece of equipment, then you're doing something wrong as regards parenting.

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